To her damnation, if there be a hell
Greater than whore and woman; a good Catholic
May make the doubt.
3 AVOC. His grief hath made him frantic.
1 AVOC. Remove him hence.
2 AVOC. Look to the woman.
[Celia swoons]
CORV. Rare!
Prettily feigned, again!
4 AVOC. Stand from about her.
1 AVOC. Give her the air.
3 AVOC. [To Mosca] What can you say?
MOS. My wound,
May it please your wisdoms, speaks for me, received
In aid of my good patron, when he missed
His sought-for father, when that well-taught dame
Had her cue given her, to cry out, A rape!
BON. O most laid impudence! Fathers—
3 AVOC. Sir, be silent;
You had your hearing free, so must they theirs.
2 AVOC. I do begin to doubt the imposture here.
4 AVOC. This woman has too many moods.
VOLT. Grave fathers,
She is a creature of a most professed
And prostituted lewdness.
CORV. Most impetuous,
Unsatisfied, grave fathers!
VOLT. May her feignings
Not take your wisdoms: but this day she baited
A stranger, a grave knight, with her loose eyes,
And more lascivious kisses. This man saw them
Together on the water, in a gondola.
MOS. Here is the lady herself, that saw them too;
Without; who then had in the open streets
Pursued them, but for saving her knight’s honor.
1 AVOC. Produce that lady.
2 AVOC. Let her come.
Exit Mosca
4 AVOC. These things,
They strike with wonder.
3 AVOC. I am turned a stone.
Enter Mosca with Lady Would-be
MOS. Be resolute, madam.
LADY P. Ay, this same is she.
[Pointing to Celia]
Out, thou chameleon harlot! now thine eyes
Vie tears with the hyæna. Darest thou look
Upon my wrongèd face?—I cry your pardons,
I fear I have forgettingly transgressed
Against the dignity of the court—
2 AVOC. NO, madam.
LADY P. And been exorbitant—
2 AVOC. You have not, lady.
4 AVOC. These proofs are strong.
LADY P. Surely, I had no purpose
To scandalise your honors, or my sex’s.
3 AVOC. We do believe it.
LADY P. Surely, you may believe it.
2 AVOC. Madam, we do.
LADY P. Indeed you may; my breeding
Is not so coarse—
4 AVOC. We know it.
LADY P. To offend
With pertinacy—
3 AVOC. Lady—
LADY P. Such a presence!
No surely.
1 AVOC. We well think it.
LADY P. You may think it.
1 AVOC. Let her o’ercome. What witnesses have you
To make good your report?
BON. Our consciences.
CEL. And heaven, that never fails the innocent.
4 AVOC. These are no testimonies.
BON. Not in your courts,
Where multitude, and clamor overcomes.
1 AVOC. Nay, then you do wax insolent.
Re-enter Officers, bearing Volpone on a couch
VOLT. Here, here,
The testimony comes, that will convince,
And put to utter dumbness their bold tongues:
See here, grave fathers, here’s the ravisher,
The rider on men’s wives, the great impostor,
The grand voluptuary! Do you not think
These limbs should affect venery? or these eyes
Covet a concubine? pray you mark these hands;
Are they not fit to stroke a lady’s breasts?—
Perhaps he doth dissemble!
BON. So he does.
VOLT. Would you have him tortured?
BON. I would have him proved.
VOLT. Best try him then with goads, or burning irons;
Put him to the strappado: I have heard
The rack hath cured the gout; ’faith, give it him,
And help him of a malady; be courteous.
I’ll undertake, before these honored fathers,
He shall have yet as many left diseases,
As she has known adulterers, or thou strumpets.—
O my most equal hearers, if these deeds,
Acts of this bold and most exorbitant strain,
May pass with sufferance, what one citizen
But owes the forfeit of his life, yea, fame,
To him that dares traduce him? which of you
Are safe, my honored fathers? I would ask,
With leave of your grave fatherhoods, if their plot
Have any face or color like to truth?
Or if, unto the dullest nostril here,
It smell not rank, and most abhorred slander?
I crave your care of this good gentleman,
Whose life is much endangered by their fable;
And as for them, I will conclude with this,
That vicious persons, when they’re hot and fleshed
In impious acts, their constancy abounds:
Damned deeds are done with greatest confidence.
1 AVOC. Take them to custody, and sever them.
2 AVOC. ’Tis pity two such prodigies should live.
1 AVOC. Let the old gentleman be returned with care.
Exeunt Officers with Volpone
I’m sorry your credulity hath wronged him.
4 AVOC. These are two creatures!
3 AVOC. I’ve an earthquake in me.
2 AVOC. Their shame, even in their cradles, fled their faces.
4 AVOC. [To Voltore] You have done a worthy service to the state, sir,
In their discovery.
1 AVOC. You shall hear, ere night,
What punishment the court decrees upon them.
Exeunt Avocatori, Notario, and Officers with Bonario and Celia
VOLT. We thank your fatherhoods.—How like you it?
MOS. Rare.
I’d have your tongue, sir, tipped with gold for this;
I’d have you be the heir to the whole city;
The earth I’d have want men, ere you want living:
They’re bound to erect your statue in St. Mark’s.
Signior Corvino, I would have you go
And show yourself, that you have conquered.
CORV. Yes.
MOS. It was much better that you should profess
Yourself a cuckold thus, than that the other
Should have been proved.
CORV. Nay, I considered that:
Now it is her fault.
MOS. Then it had been yours.
CORV. True; I do doubt this advocate still.
MOS. I’faith
You need not, I dare ease you of that care.
CORV. I trust thee, Mosca.
Exit
MOS. As your own soul, sir.
CORB. Mosca!
MOS. Now for your business, sir.
CORB. How! have you business?
MOS. Yes, yours, sir.
CORB. O, none else?
MOS. None else, not I.
CORB. Be careful, then.
MOS. Rest you with both your eyes, sir.
CORB. Dispatch it.
MOS. Instantly.
CORB. And look that all,
Whatever, be put in, jewels, plate, moneys,
Household stuff, bedding, curtains.
MOS. Curtain-rings, sir:
Only the advocate’s fee must be deducted.
CORB. I’ll pay him now; you’ll be too prodigal.
MOS. Sir, I must tender it.
CORB. Two sequins is well.
MOS. No, six, sir.
CORB. ’Tis too much.
MOS. He talked a great while;
You must consider that, sir.
CORB. Well, there’s three—
MOS. I’ll give it him.
CORB. Do so, and there’s for thee.
Exit
MOS. Bountiful bones! What horrid strange offence
Did he commit ’gainst nature, in his youth,
Worthy this age? [Aside]—You see, sir, [to Voltore] how I work
Unto your ends: take you no notice.
VOLT. NO,
I’ll leave you.
Exit
MOS. All is yours, the devil and all:
Good advocate!—Madam, I’ll bring you home.
LADY P. No, I’ll go see your patron.
MOS. That you shall not:
I’ll tell you why. My purpose is to urge
My patron to reform his will; and for
The zeal you have shown to-day, whereas before
You were but third or fourth, you shall be now
Put in the first: which would appear as begged,
If you were present. Therefore—
LADY P. You shall sway me.
Exeunt
ACT V, SCENE I
Enter Volpone
VOLP. Well, I am here, and all this brunt is past.
I ne’er was in dislike with my disguise
’Till this fled moment: here ’twas good, in private;
But in your public,—cave129 whilst I breathe.
’Fore God, my left leg ’gan to have the cramp,
And I apprehended straight some power had struck me
With a dead palsy: Well! I must be merry,
And shake it off. A many of these fears
Would put me into some villainous disease,
Should they come thick upon me: I’ll prevent ’em.
Give me a bowl of lusty wine, to fright
This humor from my heart. [Drinks]—Hum, hum, hum!
’Tis almost gone already; I shall conquer.
Any device, now, of rare ingenious knavery,
That would possess me with a violent laughter,
Would make me up again. [Drinks again]—So, so, so, so!
This heat is life; ’tis blood by this time:—Mosca!
Enter Mosca
MOS. How now, sir? does the day look clear again?
Are we recovered, and wrought out of error,
Into our way, to see our path before us?
Is our trade free once more?
VOLP. Exquisite Mosca!
MOS. Was it not carried learnedly?
VOLP. And stoutly:
Good wits are greatest in extremities.
MOS. It were a folly beyond thought, to trust
Any grand act unto a cowardly spirit:
You are not taken with it enough, methinks.
VOLP. O, more than if I had enjoyed the wench:
The pleasure of all woman-kind’s not like it.
MOS. Why now you speak, sir. We must here be fixed;
Here we must rest; this is our masterpiece;
We cannot think to go beyond this.
VOLP. True,
Thou hast played thy prize, my precious Mosca.
MOS. Nay, sir,
To gull the court—
VOLP. And quite divert the torrent
Upon the innocent.
MOS. Yes, and to make
So rare a music out of discords—
VOLP. Right.
That yet to me’s the strangest, how thou hast borne it!
That these, being so divided ’mongst themselves,
Should not scent somewhat, or in me or thee,
Or doubt their own side.
MOS. True, they will not see’t.
Too much light blinds them, I think. Each of them
Is so possessed and stuffed with his own hopes,
That any thing unto the contrary,
Never so true, or never so apparent,
Never so palpable, they will resist it—
VOLP. Like a temptation of the devil.
MOS. Right, sir.
Merchants may talk of trade, and your great signiors
Of land that yields well; but if Italy
Have any glebe more fruitful than these fellows,
I am deceived. Did not your advocate rare?
VOLP. O—My most honored fathers, my grave fathers,
Under correction of your fatherhoods,
What face of truth is here? If these strange deeds
May pass, most honored fathers—I had much ado
To forbear laughing.
MOS. It seemed to me, you sweat, sir.
VOLP. In troth, I did a little.
MOS. But confess, sir,
Were you not daunted?
VOLP. In good faith, I was
A little in a mist, but not dejected;
Never, but still my self.
MOS. I think it, sir.
Now, so truth help me, I must needs say this, sir,
And out of conscience for your advocate,
He has taken pains, in faith, sir, and deserved,
In my poor judgment, I speak it under favor,
Not to contrary you, sir, very richly—
Well—to be cozened.
VOLP. Troth, and I think so too,
By that I heard him, in the latter end.
MOS. O, but before, sir: had you heard him first
Draw it to certain heads, then aggravate,
Then use his vehement figures130—I looked still
When he would shift a shirt:131 and, doing this
Out of pure love, no hope of gain—
VOLP. ’Tis right.
I cannot answer him, Mosca, as I would,
Not yet; but for thy sake, at thy entreaty,
I will begin, even now—to vex them all,
This very instant.
MOS. Good sir.
VOLP. Call the dwarf
And eunuch forth.
MOS. Castrone, Nano!
Enter Castrone and Nano
NANO. Here.
VOLP. Shall we have a jig132 now?
MOS. What you please, sir.
VOLP. Go.
Straight give out about the streets, you two,
That I am dead; do it with constancy,
Sadly, do you hear? impute it to the grief
Of this late slander.
Exeunt Castrone and Nano
MOS. What do you mean, sir?
VOLP. O,
I shall have instantly my Vulture, Crow,
Raven, come flying hither, on the news,
To peck for carrion, my she-wolf, and all,
Greedy, and full of expectation—
MOS. And then to have it ravished from their mouths!
VOLP. ’Tis true. I will have thee put on a gown,
And take upon thee, as thou wert mine heir:
Show them a will: Open that chest, and reach
Forth one of those that has the blanks; I’ll straight
Put in thy name.
MOS. It will be rare, sir.
[Gives him a paper]
VOLP. Ay,
When they ev’n gape, and find themselves deluded—
MOS. Yes.
VOLP. And thou use them scurvily!
Dispatch, get on thy gown.
MOS. [Putting on a gown] But what, sir, if they ask
After the body?
VOLP. Say, it was corrupted.
MOS. I’ll say, it stunk, sir; and was fain to have it
Coffined up instantly, and sent away.
VOLP. Any thing; what thou wilt. Hold, here’s my will.
Get thee a cap, a count-book, pen and ink,
Papers afore thee; sit as thou wert taking
An inventory of parcels: I’ll get up
Behind the curtain, on a stool, and hearken;
Sometime peep over, see how they do look,
With what degrees their blood doth le
ave their faces,
O, ’twill afford me a rare meal of laughter!
MOS. Your advocate will turn stark dull upon it.
VOLP. It will take off his oratory’s edge.
MOS. But your clarissimo, old round-back, he
Will crump you133 like a hog-louse,134 with the touch.
VOLP. And what Corvino?
MOS. O, sir, look for him,
To-morrow morning, with a rope and dagger,
To visit all the streets; he must run mad.
My lady too, that came into the court,
To bear false witness for your worship—
VOLP. Yes,
And kissed me ’fore the fathers, when my face
Flowed all with oils.
MOS. And sweat, sir. Why, your gold
Is such another med’cine, it dries up
All those offensive savors: it transforms
The most deformèd, and restores them lovely,
As ’twere the strange poetical girdle.135 Jove
Could not invent t’ himself a shroud more subtle
To pass Acrisius’ guards.136 It is the thing
Makes all the world her grace, her youth, her beauty.
VOLP. I think she loves me.
MOS. Who? the lady, sir?
She’s jealous of you.
VOLP. Dost thou say so?
[Knocking within]
MOS. Hark,
There’s some already.
VOLP. Look.
MOS. It is the Vulture;
He has the quickest scent.
VOLP. I’ll to my place,
Thou to thy posture.
[Goes behind the curtain]
MOS. I am set.
VOLP. But, Mosca,
Play the artificer137 now, torture them rarely.
Enter Voltore
VOLT. How now, my Mosca?
MOS. [Writing] Turkey carpets, nine—
VOLT. Taking an inventory! that is well.
MOS. Two suits of bedding, tissue—
VOLT. Where’s the will?
Let me read that the while.
Enter Servants, with Corbaccio in a chair
CORB. So, set me down,
And get you home.
Exeunt Servants
VOLT. Is he come now, to trouble us!
MOS. Of cloth of gold, two more—
CORB. Is it done, Mosca?
MOS. Of several velvets eight—
VOLT. I like his care.
CORB. Dost thou not hear?
Enter Corvino
CORB. Ha! is the hour come, Mosca?
VOLP. [Peeping over the curtain] Ay, now they muster.
CORV. What does the advocate here,
Or this Corbaccio?
CORB. What do these here?
Enter Lady Politick Would-be
LADY P. Mosca!
Is his thread spun?
MOS. Eight chests of linen—
VOLP. O,
My fine dame Would-be, too!
CORV. Mosca, the will,
That I may show it these, and rid them hence.
MOS. Six chests of diaper,138 four of damask.—There.
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