Oswald Bastable and Others

by E. Nesbit

  BILLY THE KING

  'Now, William,' said Billy King's great-uncle, 'you are old enough toearn your own living, so I shall find you a nice situation in an office,and you will not return to school.'

  The blood of Billy King ran cold in his veins. He looked out over thebrown wire blinds into Claremont Square, Pentonville, which was wherehis uncle lived, and the tears came into his eyes; for, though his unclethought he was old enough to earn his own living, he was still youngenough to hate the idea of having to earn it in an office, where hewould never do anything, or make anything, or see anything, but only addup dull figures from year's end to year's end.

  'I don't care,' said Billy to himself. 'I'll run away and get asituation on my own--something interesting. I wonder if I could learnhow to be a pirate captain or a highwayman?'

  And next morning Billy got up very early, before anyone was about, andran away.

  He ran till he was out of breath and then he walked, and he walked tillhe was out of patience, and then he ran again, and between walking andrunning he came at last plump up to the door of a shop. And over theshop there were big painted letters saying, 'Registry office for allsorts of persons out of employment.'

  'I'm out of employment, anyway,' said he. The window of the shop had biggreen-baize-shutter sort of things in them, with white cards fastenedon to them with drawing-pins, and on the cards were written the kind ofpersons out of employment the registry office had got places for. And inthe very first one he read there was his own name--King!

  'I've come to the right shop,' said Billy, and he read the card through.'Good general King wanted. Must be used to the business.'

  'That's not me, I'm afraid,' thought Billy, 'because whatever a generalKing's business is I can't be used to it till I've tried it.'

  The next was: 'Good steady King wanted. Must be quick, willing, and upto his work.'

  'I'm willing enough,' said Billy, 'and I'm quick enough--at any rate,at fives or footer--but I don't know what a steady King's work is.' Sohe looked at another card.

  'Wanted, respectable King to take entire charge of Parliament, and toassist in Cabinet Councils and Reform of the Army, to open Bazaars andSchools of Art, and make himself generally useful.'

  Billy shook his head.

  'I think that must be a very hard place,' said he.

  The next was: 'Competent Queen wanted; economical and good manager.'

  'Whatever else I am I'm not a Queen,' said Billy, and he was justturning sadly away, when he saw a little card stuck away in theright-hand top corner of the baize field.

  'Hard-working King wanted; no objection to one who has not been outbefore.'

  'I can but try,' said Billy, and he opened the door of the registryoffice and walked in.

  Inside there were several desks. At the first desk a lion with a penbehind its ear was dictating to a unicorn, who was writing in a seriesof Blue-books with his horn. Billy noticed that the horn had beensharpened to a nice point, like a lead pencil when the drawing-masterdoes it for you as a favour.

  'I think you want a King?' said Billy timidly.

  'No, we don't,' said the lion, and it turned on him so quickly thatBilly was sorry he had spoken. 'The situation is filled, young man, andwe're thoroughly suited.'

  Billy was turning away, much dispirited, when the unicorn said: 'Trysome of the others.'

  So he went on to the next desk, where a frog sat sadly. But it onlywanted Presidents; and at the next desk an eagle told him that onlyEmperors were wanted, and those very seldom. It was not till he got tothe very end of the long room that Billy found a desk where a fat pig inspectacles sat reading a cookery-book.

  'Do you want a King?' said Billy. 'I've not been out before.'

  'Then you're the King for us,' said the pig, shutting the cookery-bookwith a bang. 'Hard-working, I suppose, as the notice says?'

  'I think I should be,' said Billy, adding, honestly, 'especially if Iliked the work.'

  The pig gave him a square of silver parchment and said, 'That's theaddress.'

  On the parchment was written:

  'Kingdom of Plurimiregia. Billy King, Respectable Monarch. Not been outbefore.'

  'You'd better go by post,' said the pig. 'The five o'clock post willdo.'

  'But why--but how--where is it?' asked Billy.

  'I don't know where it is,' said the pig, 'but the Post-Office knowseverything. As to how--why, you just tie a label round your neck andpost yourself in the nearest letter-box. As to why, that's a sillyquestion, really, your Majesty. Don't you know the Post-Office alwaystakes charge of the Royal males?'

  Billy was just putting the address carefully away in what would havebeen his watch-pocket if he had had any relation in the world except agreat-uncle, when the swing door opened gently and a little girl camein. She looked at the lion and unicorn and the other busy beasts behindtheir desks, and she did not seem to like the look of them. She lookedup the long room and she saw Billy, and she came straight up to him andsaid:

  'Please I want a situation as Queen. It says in the window previousexperience not required.'

  She was a very shabby little girl, with a clean, round, rosy face, andshe looked as little like a Queen with previous experience as anybodycould possibly have done.

  'I'm not the registry office, my good kid,' said Billy.

  And the pig said, 'Try the next desk.'

  Behind the next desk sat a lizard, but it was so large it was more likean alligator, only with a less unpleasant expression about the mouth.

  'Speak to him,' said the pig, as the lizard leaned forward on his frontpaws like a draper's assistant when he says, 'What's the next article?'

  'I don't like to,' said the little girl.

  'Nonsense, you little duffer!' said Billy kindly; 'he won't eat you.'

  'Are you sure?' said the little girl very earnestly.

  Then Billy said, 'Look here, I'm a King, and so I've got a situation.Are you a Queen?'

  'My name's Eliza Macqueen,' said the little girl. 'I suppose that's nearenough.'

  'Well, then,' said Billy to the lizard, 'will she do?'

  'Perfectly, I should say,' replied the lizard, with a smile that did notbecome him very well. 'Here is the address.' He gave it to her; it read:

  'Kingdom of Allexanassa. Queen, not been out before; willing, obliging,and anxious to learn.'

  'Your kingdoms,' he added, 'are next door to each other.'

  'So we shall see each other often,' said Billy. 'Cheer up! We mighttravel together, perhaps.'

  'No,' said the pig; 'Queens go by railway. A Queen has to begin to getused to her train as soon as she can. Now, run along, do. My friend herewill see her off.'

  'You're sure they won't eat me?' said Eliza--and Billy was certain theywouldn't, though he didn't know why. So he said, 'Good-bye. I hopeyou'll get on in your new place,' and off he went to buy a penny luggagelabel at the expensive stationer's three doors down the street on theright-hand side. And when he had addressed the label and tied it roundhis neck, he posted himself honourably at the General Post-Office. Therest of the letters in the box made a fairly comfortable bed, and Billyfell asleep. When he awoke he was being delivered by the early morningpostman at the Houses of Parliament in the capital of Plurimiregia, andthe Houses of Parliament were just being opened for the day. The air ofPlurimiregia was clear and blue, very different from the air ofClaremont Square, Pentonville. The hills and woods round the town lookedsoft and green, from the hill in the middle of the town where theParliament Houses stood. The town itself was small and very pretty, likeone of the towns in old illuminated books, and it had a great wall allround it, and orange trees growing on the wall. Billy wondered whetherit was forbidden to pick the oranges.

  When Parliament was opened by the footman whose business it was, Billysaid:

  'Please, I've come about the place----'

  'The King's or the cook's?' asked the footman.

  Billy was rather angry.

  'Now, do I look like a cook?' he said.
/>
  'The question is, do you look like a King?' said the footman.

  'If I get the place you will be sorry for this,' said Billy.

  'If you get the place you won't keep it long' said the footman. 'It'snot worth while being disagreeable; there's not time to do it properlyin. Come along in.'

  Billy went along in, and the footman led him into the presence of thePrime Minister, who was sitting with straws in his hair, wringing hishands.

  '"Come by post, your Lordship," said the footman.'--Page255.]

  'Come by post, your lordship,' the footman said--'from London.'

  The Prime Minister left off wringing his hands, and held one of them outto Billy. 'You will suit!' he said. 'I'll engage you in a minute. Butjust pull the straws out of my hair first, will you? I only put them inbecause we hadn't been able to find a suitable King, and I find strawsso useful in helping my brain to act in a crisis. Of course, once you'reengaged for the situation, no one will ask you to do anything useful.'

  Billy pulled the straws out, and the Prime Minister said:

  'Are they all out? Thanks. Well, now you're engaged--six months ontrial. You needn't do anything you don't want to. Now, your Majesty,breakfast is served at nine. Let me conduct you to the Royalapartments.'

  In ten minutes Billy had come out of a silver bath filled with scentedwater, and was putting on the grandest clothes he had ever seen in hislife. Everything was of thick, soft, pussy silk, and his boots had goldheels with gold spurs on them.

  For the first time in his life it was with personal pleasure, and notfrom a sense of duty, that he brushed his hair and satisfied himselfthat none of his nails were in mourning. Then he went to breakfast,which was so fine that none but a French cook could have either cookedor described it. He was a little hungry--he had had nothing to eat sincethe bread and cheese at supper in Claremont Square the night beforelast.

  After breakfast he rode out on a white pony, a thing he might have livedin Claremont Square for ever without doing. And he found he rode verywell. After the ride he went on the sea in a boat, and was surprised anddelighted to find that he knew how to sail as well as how to steer. Inthe afternoon he was taken to a circus; and in the evening the wholeCourt played blind-man's buff. A most enchanting day!

  Next morning the breakfast was boiled underdone eggs and burnt herrings.The King was too polite to make remarks about his food, but he did feela little disappointed.

  The Prime Minister was late for breakfast and came in looking hot andflurried, and a garland of straw was entwined in the Prime Ministerialhair.

  'Excuse my hair, sire,' he said. 'The cook left last night, but a newone comes at noon to-day. Meantime, I have done my best.'

  '"Excuse my hair, Sire," he said.'--Page 256.]

  Billy said it was all right, and he had had an excellent breakfast. Thesecond day passed as happily as the first; the cook seemed to havearrived, for the breakfast was made up for by the lunch. And Billy hadthe pleasure of shooting at a target at two thousand yards with theLee-Metford rifle which had arrived by the same post as himself, andhitting the bull's-eye every time.

  This is really a rare thing--even when you are a King. But Billy beganto think it curious that he should never have found out before howclever he was, and when he took down a volume of Virgil and found thathe could read it as easily as though it had been the 'Child's FirstReading-Book,' he was really astonished. So Billy said to the PrimeMinister:

  'How is it I know so many things without learning them?'

  'It's the rule here, sire,' said the Prime Minister. 'Kings are allowedto know everything without learning it.'

  Now, the next morning Billy woke very early, and got up and went outinto the garden, and, turning a corner suddenly, he came upon a littleperson in a large white cap, with a large white apron on, in which shewas gathering sweet pot-herbs, thyme, and basil, and mint, and savory,and sage, and marjoram. She stood up and dropped a curtsy.

  'Halloa!' said Billy the King; 'who are you?'

  'I'm the new cook,' said the person in the apron.

  Her big flapping cap hid her face, but Billy knew her voice.

  'Why,' said he, turning her face up with his hands under her chin,'you're Eliza!'

  And sure enough it was Eliza, but her round face looked very muchcleverer and prettier than it had done when he saw it last.

  'Hush!' she said. 'Yes, I am. I got the place as Queen of Allexanassa,but it was all horribly grand, and such long trains, and the crown isawfully heavy. And yesterday morning I woke very early, and I thoughtI'd just put on my old frock--mother made it for me the very last thingbefore she was taken ill.'

  'Don't cry,' said Billy the King gently.

  'And I went out, and there was a man with a boat, and he didn't know Iwas the Queen, and I got him to take me for a row on the sea, and hetold me some things.'

  'What sort of things?'

  'Why, about us, Billy. I suppose you're the same as I am now, and knoweverything without learning it. What's Allexanassa Greek for?'

  'Why, something like the Country of Changing Queens, isn't it?'

  'And what does Plurimiregia mean?'

  'That must mean the land of many Kings. Why?'

  'Because that's what it is. They're always changing their Kings andQueens here, for a most horrid and frightening reason, Billy. They getthem from a registry office a long way off so that they shouldn't know.Billy, there's a dreadful dragon, and he comes once a month to be fed.And they feed him with Kings and Queens! That's why we know everythingwithout learning. Because there's no time to learn in. And the dragonhas two heads, Billy--a pig's head and a lizard's head--and the pig'shead is to eat _you_ with and the lizard's head will eat _me_!'

  'So they brought us here for that,' said Billy--'mean, cruel, cowardlybrutes!'

  'Mother always said you could never tell what a situation was like untilyou tried it,' said Eliza. 'But what are we to do? The dragon comesto-morrow. When I heard that I asked where your kingdom was, and theboatman showed me, and I made him land me here. So Allexanassa hasn'tgot a Queen now, but Plurimiregia has got us both.'

  Billy rumpled his hair with his hands.

  'Oh, my cats alive!' he said, 'we must do something; but I'll tell youwhat it is, Eliza. You're no end of a brick to come and tell me. Youmight have got off all by yourself, and left me to the pig's head.'

  'No, I mightn't,' said Eliza sharply. 'I know everything that people canlearn, the same as you, and that includes right and wrong. So you see I_mightn't_.'

  'That's true! I wonder whether our being clever would help us? Let'stake a boat and steer straight out, and take our chance. I can sail andsteer beautifully.'

  'So can I,' said Eliza disdainfully; 'but, you see, it's too late forthat. Twenty-four hours before the beast comes the sea-water runs away,and great waves of thick treacle come sweeping round the kingdoms. Noboat can live in such a sea.'

  'Well, but how does the dragon get here? Is he on the island?'

  'No,' said Eliza, squeezing up handfuls of herbs in her agitation tillthe scent quite overpowered the scent of the honeysuckle. 'No; he comesout of the sea. But he is very hot inside, and he melts the treacle sothat it gets quite thin, like when it runs out of a treacle-pudding, andso he can swim in it, and he comes along to the quay, and is fed--with_Us_.'

  Billy shuddered.

  'I wish we were back in Claremont Square,' said he.

  'So do I, I'm sure,' said Eliza. 'Though I don't know where it is, noryet want to know.'

  'Hush!' said Billy suddenly. 'I hear a rustling. It's the PrimeMinister, and I can hear he's got straws in his hair again, most likelybecause you're disappeared, and he thinks he will have to cook thebreakfast. Meet me beside the lighthouse at four this afternoon. Hide inthis summer-house and don't come out till the coast's clear.'

  He ran out and took the Prime Minister's arm.

  'What is the straw for now?'

  'Merely a bad habit,' said the Prime Minister wearily.

  Then Billy su
ddenly saw, and he said:

  'You're a beastly mean, cowardly sneak, and you feel it; that's what thestraws are about!'

  'Your Majesty!' said the Prime Minister feebly.

  'Yes,' said Billy firmly; 'you know you are. Now, I know all the laws ofPlurimiregia, and I'm going to abdicate this morning, and the next inrank has to be King if he can't engage a fresh one. You're next in rankto me, so by the time the dragon comes you'll be the King. I'll attendyour Coronation.'

  The Prime Minister gasped, 'How did you find out?' and turned the colourof unripe peaches.

  'That's tellings,' said Billy. 'If you hadn't all been such sneaks, Iexpect heaps of your Kings had sense enough to have got rid of thedragon for you. Only I suppose you've never told them in time. Now, lookhere. I don't want you to do anything except keep your mouth shut, andlet there be a boat, and no boatman, on the beach under the lighthouseat four o'clock.'

  'But the sea's all treacle.'

  '"Speak to the dragon as soon as it arrives."' Page 263.]

  'I said on the beach, not on the sea, my good straw merchant. And what Isay you've jolly well got to do. You must be there--and no one else.If you tell a soul I'll abdicate, and where will you be then?'

  'I don't know,' said the wretched Prime Minister, stooping to gathersome more straws from the strawberry bed.

  'But I do,' said Billy. 'Now for breakfast.'

  Before four o'clock that afternoon the Prime Minister's head was aperfect bird's-nest of straws. But he met Billy at the appointed place,and there was a boat--and also Eliza. Billy carried his Lee-Metford.

  A wind blew from the shore, and the straws in the Prime Minister's hairrustled like a barley-field in August.

  'Now,' said Billy the King, 'my Royal Majesty commands you to speak tothe dragon as soon as it arrives, and to say that your King hasabdicated----'

  'But he hasn't,' said the Prime Minister in tears.

  'But he _does now_--so you won't be telling a lie. I abdicate. But Igive you my word of honour I'll turn King again as soon as I've tried mylittle plan. I shall be quite in time to meet my fate--and the dragon.Say "The King has abdicated. You'd better just look in at Allexanassaand get the Queen, and when you call again I'll have a nice fat Kingall ready for you."'

  The straws trembled, and Eliza sobbed.

  Billy went on; and he had never felt so truly regal as now, when he waspreparing to risk his life in order to save his subjects from themonthly temptation to be mean and cowardly and sneakish. I think myselfit was good of Billy. He might just have abdicated and let things slide.Some boys would have.

  The sea of greeny-black treacle heaved and swelled sulkily against thebeach. The Prime Minister said:

  'Very well; I'll do it. But I'd sooner die than see my King false to hisword.'

  'You won't have to choose between the two,' said Billy, very pale, butdetermined. 'Your King's not a hound, like--like some-people.'

  And then, far away on the very edge of the green treacly sea, they saw asquirming and a squelching and clouds of steam, and all sorts ofexciting and unpleasant things happening very suddenly and all together.

  The Prime Minister covered his head with dry seaweed and said:

  'That's Him.'

  'That's _He_,' corrected Eliza the Queen and Billy the King in onebreath.

  But the Prime Minister was long past any proper pride in his grammar.

  And then, cutting its way through the thick, sticky waves of the treaclesea, came the hot dragon, melting a way for himself as he came. And hegot nearer and nearer and bigger and bigger, and at last he came closeto the beach, snouting and snorting, and opened two great mouths in anexpecting, hungry sort of way; and when he found he was not being fedthe expression of the mouths changed to an angry and surprised question.And one mouth was a pig's mouth and one was a lizard's.

  Billy the King borrowed a pin from Eliza the Queen to stick into thePrime Minister, who was by this time nearly buried in the seaweed whichhe had been trying to arrange in his hair.

  'Speak up, silly!' said His Majesty.

  The Prime Minister spoke up.

  'Please, sir,' he said to the two-headed dragon, 'our King hasabdicated, so we've nothing for you just now, but if you could just runover to Allexanassa and pick up their Queen, we'll have a nice fat Kingready for you if you'll call on your way home.'

  The Prime Minister shuddered as he spoke. He happened to be very fat.

  The dragon did not say a word. He nodded with both his heads and gruntedwith both his mouths, and turned his one tail and swam away along thetrack of thin, warm treacle which he had made in swimming across thesea.

  Quick as thought, Billy the King signed to the Prime Minister and toEliza, and they launched the boat. Billy sprang on board and pushed off,and it was not till the boat was a dozen yards from shore that he turnedto wave a farewell to Eliza and the Prime Minister. The latter wasindeed still on the beach, searching hopefully among the drifts andweeds for more straws, to mark his sense of the constitutional crisis,but Eliza had disappeared.

  'Oh dear, oh dear,' said Billy the King; 'surely that brute of a PrimeMinister can't have killed her right off, so as to have her ready forthe dragon when he comes back. Oh, my dear little Eliza!'

  'I'm here,' said a thick voice.

  And, sure enough, there was Eliza, holding on to the gunwale of theboat and swimming heavily in the warm treacle. Nearly choked with it,too, for she had been under more than once.

  Billy hastened to haul her aboard, and, though she was quite brown andvery, very sticky, the moment she was safe in the boat he threw his armsround her and said:

  'Dear, darling Eliza, you're the dearest, bravest girl in the world. Ifwe ever get out of this you'll marry me, won't you? There's no one inthe world like you. Say you will.'

  'Of course I will,' said Eliza, still spluttering through the treacle.'There's no one in the world like you, either.'

  'Right! Then, if that's so, you steer and I'll sail, and we'll get thebetter of the beast yet,' said Billy.

  And he set the sail, and Eliza steered as well as she could in hertreacly state.

  About the middle of the channel they caught up with the dragon. Billytook up his Lee-Metford and fired its eight bullets straight into thedragon's side. You have no idea how the fire spurted out through thebullet-holes. But the wind from shore had caught the sails, and the boatwas now going very much faster than the dragon, who found thebullet-holes annoying, and had slowed up to see what was the matter.

  'Good-bye, you dear, brave Eliza,' said Billy the King. '_You're_ allright, anyhow.'

  And, holding his reloaded Lee-Metford rifle high over his head, heplunged into the treacly sea and swam back towards the dragon. It isvery difficult to shoot straight when you are swimming, especially innearly boiling treacle, but His Majesty King Billy managed to do it. Hesent his eight bullets straight into the dragon's heads, and the hugemonster writhed and wriggled and squirmed and squawked, all over the seafrom end to end, till at last it floated lifeless on the surface of theclear, warm treacle, and stretched its wicked paws out, and shut itswicked eyes, all four of them, and died. The lizard's eyes shut last.

  Then Billy began to swim for dear life towards the shore ofPlurimiregia, and the treacle was so hot that if he hadn't been a Kinghe would have been boiled. But now that the dreadful dragon was cold indeath there was nothing to keep the treacle sea thin and warm, and itbegan to thicken so fast that swimming was very difficult indeed. If youdon't understand this, you need only ask the attendants at your nearestswimming-baths to fill the baths with treacle instead of water, and youwill very soon comprehend how it was that Billy reached the shore of hiskingdom quite exhausted and almost speechless.

  The Prime Minister was there. He had fetched a whole truss of straw whenhe thought Billy's plan had failed, and that the dragon would eat him asthe next in rank, and he wanted to do the thing thoroughly; and when hewarmly embraced the treacly King, Billy became so covered with strawsthat he hardly knew himself. He
pulled himself together, however, enoughto withdraw his resignation, and then looked out over the sea. Inmid-channel lay the dead dragon, and far in the distance he could seethe white sails of the boat nearing the shores of Allexanassa.

  'And what are we to do now?' asked the Prime Minister.

  'Have a bath,' said the King. 'The dragon's dead, and I'll fetch Elizain the morning. They won't hurt her over there now the dragon's killed.'

  '_They_ won't hurt her,' said the Prime Minister. 'It's the treacle.Allexanassa is an island. The dragon brought the treacle up by hisenchantments, and now there is no one to take it away again. You'llnever get a boat to live in a sea like that--never.'

  'Won't I?' said Billy. 'I'm cleverer than you.'

  But, all the same, he didn't quite see his way to sailing a boat in thatsea, and with a sad and aching heart he went back to the palace to thesilver bath. The treacle and straws took hours to wash off, and afterthat he was so tired that he did not want any supper, which was just aswell, because there was no one to cook it. Tired as he was, Billy sleptvery badly. He woke up again and again to wonder what had become of hisbrave little friend, and to wish that he could have done something toprevent her being carried away in that boat; but, think as he might, hefailed to see that he could have done any differently. And his heartsank, for, in spite of his bold words to the Prime Minister, he had nomore idea than you have how to cross the sea of thick treacle that laybetween his kingdom and Allexanassa. He invented steamships with red-hotscrews and paddle-wheels all through his dreams, and when he got up inthe morning he looked out of his window on the dark sea and longed for agood, gray, foamy, salt, tumbling sea like we have at home inEngland, no matter how high the waves and the winds might be. But thewind had fallen, and the dark brown sea looked strangely calm.

  'The two skated into each other's arms.'--Page 271.]

  Hastily snatching a dozen peaches out of the palace garden by way ofbreakfast, Billy the King hurried to the beach by the lighthouse. Noheaving of the treacle sea broke the smooth line of it against thebeach. Billy looked--looked again, swallowed the last peach, stone andall, and tore back to the town.

  He rushed into the chief ironmonger's and bought a pair of skates and agimlet. In less time than I can write it he had scurried back to thebeach, bored holes in his gold heels, fastened on the skates, and wasskating away over the brown sea towards Allexanassa. For the treacle,heated to boiling-point by the passing of the dragon, had now growncold, and, of course, it was now _toffee_! Far off, Eliza had had thesame idea as soon as she saw the toffee, and, of course, as Queen ofAllexanassa, she could skate beautifully. So the two skated into eachother's arms somewhere near the middle of the channel between the twoislands.

  They stood telling each other how happy they were for a few moments, orit may have been a few hours; and when they turned to go back toPlurimiregia they found that the toffee-ice of the treacle sea was blackwith crowds of skaters--for the Allexanassians and the Plurimiregianshad found out the wonderful truth, and were hurrying across to payvisits to their friends and relations in the opposite islands. Near theshore the toffee was hidden by troops of children, who had borrowed thefamily hammers and were chipping into the solid toffee and eating theflakes of it as they splintered off.

  People were pointing out to each other the spot where the dragon hadsunk, and when they perceived Billy the King and Eliza the Queen theysent up a shout that you could have heard miles out at sea--if there hadbeen any sea--which, of course, there wasn't. The Prime Minister hadlost no time in issuing a proclamation setting forth Billy's splendidconduct in ridding the country of the dragon, and all the populace werein a frenzy of gratitude and loyalty.

  Billy turned on a little tap inside his head by some means which Icannot describe to you, and a bright flood of cleverness poured throughhis brain.

  'After all,' he said to Eliza, 'they were going to give us to thedragon to save their own lives. It's bad, I know. But I don't knowthat's it's worse than people who let other people die of lead-poisoningbecause they want a particular glaze on their dinner-plates, or letpeople die of phosphorus-poisoning so that they may get matches at sixboxes a penny. We're as well off here as in England.'

  'Yes,' said Eliza.

  So they agreed to stay and go on being King and Queen, on condition thatthe Prime Minister consented to give up straws altogether, even inmoments of crisis.

  'I will, your Majesties,' he said, adding, with a polite bow, 'I shallnot need a single straw under your Majesty's able kingship.'

  And all the people cheered like mad.

  Eliza and Billy were married in due course. The kingdoms are nowextremely happy. Both are governed by Billy, who is a very good Kingbecause he knows so much. Eliza got him to change the law about Queensknowing everything, because she wanted her husband to be cleverer thanshe was. But Billy didn't want to make laws to turn his Eliza stupid, sohe just changed the law--only a little bit--so that the King knowseverything a man ought to know, and the Queen knows everything thatought to be known by a woman. So that's all right.

  Exploring expeditions were fitted out to find the edge of the toffee. Itwas found to stand up in cliffs two hundred feet high, overhanging thereal, live, salt-watery sea. The King had ships built at once to sail onthe real sea and carry merchandise to other lands. And so Allexanassaand Plurimiregia grew richer and richer every day. The merchandise, ofcourse, is toffee, and half the men in the kingdoms work in the greattoffee-mines. All the toffee you buy in shops comes from there. And thereason why some of the cheaper kinds you buy are so gritty is, I needhardly say, because the toffee-miners will not remember, before they godown into the mines, to wipe their muddy boots on the doormats providedby Billy the King, with the Royal Arms in seven colours on the middle ofeach mat.