Much Ado About Nothing (Arden Shakespeare: Third Series)

by William Shakespeare

  Don Pedro. I will but teach them to sing and restore them to the owner.

  Benedick. If their singing answer your saying, by my faith you say honestly.

  Don Pedro. The Lady Beatrice hath a quarrel to you. The gentleman that danced with her told her she is much wronged by you.

  Benedick. O, she misused me past the endurance of a block! An oak but with one green leaf on it would have answered her; my very visor began to assume life and scold with her. She told me, not thinking I had been myself, that I was the Prince's jester, that I was duller than a great thaw; huddling jest upon jest with such impossible conveyancedeg upon me that I stood like a man at a mark,deg with a whole army shooting at me. She speaks poniards, and every word stabs. If her breath were as terrible as her termiriations,deg there were no living near her; she would infect to the North Star. I would not marry her though she were endowed with all that Adam had left him before he transgressed. She would have made Hercules have turned spit, yea, and have cleft his club to make the fire too. Come, talk not of her. You shall find her the infernal Atedeg in good apparel. I would to God some scholar would conjure her,deg for certainly, while she is here, a man may live as quiet in hell as in a sanctuary; and people sin upon purpose, because they would go thither; so indeed all disquiet, horror, and perturbation follows her.

  213 in a warren i.e., in a lonely place

  243 impossible conveyance incredible dexterity

  244 mark target

  Enter Claudio and Beatrice.

  Don Pedro. Look, here she comes.

  Benedick. Will your Grace command me any service to the world's end? I will go on the slightest errand now to the Antipodes that you can devise to send me'on; I will fetch you a toothpicker now from the furthest inch of Asia; bring you the length of Prester John'sdeg foot; fetch you a hair off the great Cham'sdeg beard; do you any embassage to the Pygmies--rather than hold three words' conference with this harpy. You have no employment for me?

  Don Pedro. None, but to desire your good company.

  Benedick. O God, sir, here's a dish I love not! I cannot endure my Lady Tongue. Exit.

  Don Pedro. Come, lady, come; you have lost the heart of Signior Benedick.

  Beatrice. Indeed, my lord, he lent it me awhile, and I gave him usedeg for it, a double heart for his single one. Marry, once before he won it of me with false dice; therefore your Grace may well say I have lost it.

  247 terminations words

  253 Ate goddess of discord

  255conjure her i.e., exorcise the devil out of her

  265-66 Prester John legendary Christian king in remote Asia

  266Cham Khan

  276use interest

  Don Pedro. You have put him down, lady; you have put him down.

  Beatrice. So I would not he should do me, my lord, lest I should prove the mother of fools.deg I have brought Count Claudio, whom you sent me to seek.

  Don Pedro. Why, how now, Count? Wherefore are you sad?

  Claudio. Not sad, my lord.

  Don Pedro. How then? Sick?

  Claudio. Neither, my lord.

  Beatrice. The Count is neither sad, nor sick, nor merry, nor well; but civil Count, civildeg as an orange, and something of that jealous complexion.deg

  Don Pedro. I' faith, lady, I think your blazondeg to be true; though I'll be sworn, if he be so, his conceitdeg is false. Here, Claudio, I have wooed in thy name, and fair Hero is won. I have broke with her father, and his good will obtained. Name the day of marriage, and God give thee joy!

  Leonato. Count, take of me my daughter, and with her my fortunes. His Grace hath made the match, and all grace say amen to it!

  Beatrice. Speak, Count, 'tis your cue.

  Claudio. Silence is the perfectest herald of joy. I were but little happy if I could say how much. Lady, as you are mine, I am yours. I give away myself for you and dote upon the exchange.

  Beatrice. Speak, cousin; or (if you cannot) stop his mouth with a kiss and let not him speak neither.

  283 fools babies

  291 civil polite (with a pun on orange of Seville)

  292 complexion (1) disposition (2) color (i.e., yellowish for jealousy)

  293 blazon description

  294 conceit idea, concept

  Don Pedro. In faith, lady, you have a merry heart.

  Beatrice. Yea, my lord; I thank it, poor fool, it keeps on the windydeg side of care. My cousin tells him in his ear that he is in her heart.

  Claudio. And so she doth, cousin.

  Beatrice. Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes every one to the world but I, and I am sunburnt.deg I may sit in a comer and cry "Heigh-ho for a husband!"

  Don Pedro. Lady Beatrice, I will get you one.

  Beatrice. I would rather have one of your father's getting.deg Hath your Grace ne'er a brother like you? Your father got excellent husbands, if a maid could come by them.

  Don Pedro. Will you have me, lady?

  Beatrice. No, my lord, unless I might have another for working days; your Grace is too costly to wear every day. But I beseech your Grace pardon me. 325 I was born to speak all mirth and no matter.

  Don Pedro. Your silence most offends me, and to be merry best becomes you, for out o' question you were born in a merry hour.

  Beatrice. No, sure, my lord, my mother cried; but then there was a star danced, and under that was I born. Cousins, God give you joy!

  Leonato. Niece, will you look to those things I told you of?

  Beatrice. I cry you mercy,deg uncle. By your Grace's pardon.

  Exit Beatrice.

  Don Pedro. By my troth, a pleasant-spirited lady.

  311 windy windward, safe

  314-15 Good Lord... sunburnt i.e., everyone gets a husband but me, and I am ugly (sunburnt=tanned, and therefore ugly in the sixteenth century)

  319 getting begetting

  335 cry you mercy beg your pardon

  Leonato. There's little of the melancholy element in her, my lord. She is never sad but when she sleeps, and not everdeg sad then; for I have heard my daughter say she hath often dreamt of unhappiness and waked herself with laughing.

  Don Pedro. She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband.

  Leonato. O, by no means! She mocks all her wooers out of suit.

  Don Pedro. She were an excellent wife for Benedick.

  Leonato. O Lord, my lord! If they were but a week married, they would talk themselves mad.

  Don Pedro. County Claudio, when mean you to go to church?

  Claudio. Tomorrow, my lord. Time goes on crutches till Love have all his rites.

  Leonato. Not till Monday, my dear son, which is hence a just sevennight; and a time too brief too, to have all things answer my mind.

  Don Pedro. Come, you shake the head at so long a breathing; but I warrant thee, Claudio, the time shall not go dully by us. I will in the interim un- 360 dertake one of Hercules' labors, which is, to bring Signior Benedick and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain of affection th' one with th' other. I would fain have it a match, and I doubt not but to fashion it if you three will but minister such assistance as I shall give you direction.

  Leonato. My lord, I am for you, though it cost me ten nights' watchings.deg

  Claudio. And I, my lord.

  Don Pedro. And you too, gentle Hero?

  340 ever always

  366-67 ten nights' watchings ten nights awake

  Hero. I will do any modest office, my lord, to help my 370 cousin to a good husband.

  Don Pedro. And Benedick is not the unhopefullest husband that I know. Thus far can I praise him: he is of a noble strain, of approveddeg valor and confirmed honesty. I will teach you how to humor your cousin, that she shall fall in love with Benedick; and I [to Leonato and Claudio], with your two helps, will so practice ondeg Benedick that, in despite of his quick wit and his queasy stomach, he shall fall in love with Beatrice. If we can do this, Cupid is no longer an archer; his glory shall be ours, for we are the only love-gods. Go in with me, and I will tell you my drift. />
  Exit [with the others].

  [Scene 2. Leonato's house.]

  Enter [Don] John and Borachio.

  Don John. It is so. The Count Claudio shall marry the daughter of Leonato.

  Borachio. Yea, my lord; but I can cross it.

  Don John. Any bar, any cross, any impediment will be medicinable to me. I am sick in displeasure to him, and whatsoever comes athwart his affection ranges evenlydeg with mine. How canst thou cross this marriage?

  Borachio. Not honestly, my lord; but so covertly that no dishonesty shall appear in me.

  Don John. Show me briefly how.

  374 approved tested

  378 practice on deceive

  2.2.7 ranges evenly goes in a straight line (i.e., suits me exactly)

  Borachio. I think I told your lordship, a year since, how much I am in the favor of Margaret, the waiting gentlewoman to Hero.

  Don John. I remember.

  Borachio. I can, at any unseasonable instant of the night, appoint her to look out at her lady's chamber window.

  Don John. What life is in that to be the death of this marriage?

  Borachio. The poison of that lies in you to temper. Go you to the Prince your brother; spare not to tell him that he hath wronged his honor in marrying the renowned Claudio (whose estimation do you mightily hold up) to a contaminated stale,deg such a one as Hero.

  Don John. What proof shall I make of that?

  Borachio. Proof enough to misuse the Prince, to vex

  Claudio, to undo Hero, and kill Leonato. Look you for any other issue?

  Don John. Only to despite them I will endeavor anything.

  Borachio. Go then; find me a meet hourdeg to draw Don Pedro and the Count Claudio alone;.tell them that you know that Hero loves me; intenddeg a kind of zeal both to the Prince and Claudio (as in love of your brother's honor, who hath made this match, and his friend's reputation, who is thus like to be cozeneddeg with the semblance of a maid) that you have discovered thus. They will scarcely believe this without trial. Offer them instances;deg which shall bear no less likelihood than to see me at her chamber window, hear me call Margaret Hero, hear Margaret term me Claudio; and bring them to see this the very night before the intended wedding. For in the meantime I will so fashion the matter that Hero shall be absent; and there shall appear such seeming truth of Hero's disloyalty that jealousydeg shall be called assurance and all the preparation overthrown.

  25 stale prostitute

  33 meet hour suitable time

  35 intend pretend

  39 cozened cheated

  41 instances proofs

  Don John. Grow this to what adverse issue it can, I will put it in practice. Be cunning in the working this, and thy fee is a thousand ducats.

  Borachio. Be you constant in the accusation, and my cunning shall not shame me.

  Don John. I will presently go learn their day of marriage.

  Exit [with Borachio].

  [Scene 3. Leonato's garden.]

  Enter Benedick alone.

  Benedick. Boy!

  [Enter Boy.]

  Boy. Signior?

  Benedick. In my chamber window lies a book. Bring it hither to me in the orchard.deg

  Boy. I am here already, sir.

  Benedick. I know that, but I would have thee hence and here again. (Exit [Boy].) I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates his behaviors to love, will, after he hath laughed at such shallow follies in others, become the argumentdeg of his own scorn by falling in love; and such a man is Claudio. I have known when there was no music with him but the drum and the fife; and now had he rather hear the tabor and the pipe.deg I have known when he would have walked ten mile afoot to see a good armor; and now will he lie ten nights awake carving the fashiondeg of a new doublet. He was wont to speak plain and to the purpose, like an honest man and a soldier; and now is he turned orthography;deg his words are a very fantastical banquet--just so many strange dishes. May I be so converted and see with these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not. I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster; but I'll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster of me he shall never make me such a fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well. But till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace. Rich she shall be, that's certain; wise, or I'll none; virtuous, or I'll never cheapendeg her; fair, or I'll never look on her; mild, or come not near me; noble, or not I for an angel;deg of good discourse,deg an excellent musician, and her hair shall be of what color it please God. Ha, the Prince and Monsieur Love! [Retiring] I will hide me in the arbor.

  48--49 jealousy mistrust

  2.3.4 orchard garden

  11 argument subject matter

  Enter Prince [Don Pedro], Leonato, Claudio,

  [to the sound of] music.

  Don Pedro. Come, shall we hear this music?

  Claudio. Yea, my good lord. How still the evening is, As hushed on purpose to grace harmony!

  Don Pedro. See you where Benedick hath hid himself?

  15 tabor and the pipe music of an unmartial sort

  17 carving the fashion considering the design

  20 orthography i.e., into a pedant (?)

  31 cheapen bargain for

  32-33 noble ... angel (puns: both words are Elizabethan coins)

  33 discourse conversation

  Claudio. O, very well, my lord. The music ended, We'll fit the kid fox with a pennyworth.deg

  Enter Balthasar with music.

  Don Pedro. Come, Balthasar, we'll hear that song again.

  Balthasar. O, good my lord, tax not so bad a voice To slander music any more than once.

  Don Pedro. It is the witness still of excellency To put a strange face on his own perfection. I pray thee sing, and let me woo no more.

  Balthasar. Because you talk of wooing, I will sing, Since many a wooer doth commence his suit To her he thinks not worthy, yet he woos, Yet will he swear he loves.

  Don Pedro. Nay, pray thee come; Or if thou wilt hold longer argument, Do it in notes.

  Balthasar. Note this before my notes: There's not a note of mine that's worth the noting.

  Don Pedro. Why, these are very crotchetsdeg that he speaks! Note notes, forsooth, and nothing!deg [Music.]

  Benedick. [Aside] Now divine air! Now is his soul ravished! Is it not strange that sheep's guts should hale souls out of men's bodies? Well, a horn for my money, when all's done. [Balthasar sings.]

  The Song

  Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,

  Men were deceivers ever,

  42 We'll ... pennyworth i.e., we'll give Benedick a little something (perhaps kid fox means "young fox," perhaps "known fox")

  56 crotchets (I) whims (2) musical notes

  57 nothing (pronounced "noting," hence a pun)

  One foot in sea, and one on shore,

  To one thing constant never.

  Then sigh not so,

  But let them go,

  And be you blithe and bonny,

  Converting all your sounds of woe

  Into hey nonny, nonny.

  Sing no more ditties, sing no moe,

  Of dumpsdeg so dull and heavy;

  The fraud of men was ever so,

  Since summer first was leavy.

  Then sigh not so, &c.

  Don Pedro. By my troth, a good song.

  Balthasar. And an ill singer, my lord.

  Don Pedro. Ha, no, no, faith! Thou sing'st well enough for a shift.deg

  Benedick. [Aside] And he had been a dog that should have howled thus, they would have hanged him; and I pray God his bad voice bode no mischief. I had as livedeg have heard the night raven, come what plague could have come after it.

  Don Pedro. Yea, marry. Dost thou hear, Balthasar? I pray thee get us some excellent music; for tomorrow night we would have it at the Lady Hero's chamber window.

  Balthasar. The best I can, my lord.

  Don Pedro. D
o so. Farewell.

  Exit Balthasar [with Musicians].

  Come hither, Leonato. What was it you told me of today? That. your niece Beatrice was in love with Signior Benedick?

  Claudio. O, ay! [In a low voice to Don Pedro] Stalk on, stalk on; the fowl sits. [In full voice] I did never think that lady would have loved any man.

  72 dumps sad songs

  79 shift makeshift

  83 live lief

  Leonato. No, nor I neither; but most wonderful that she should so dote on Signior Benedick, whom she hath in all outward behaviors seemed ever to abhor.

  Benedick. [Aside] Is't possible? Sits the wind in that comer?

  Leonato. By my troth, my lord, I cannot tell what to think of it, but that she loves him with an enraged affection, it is past the infinite of thought.

  Don Pedro. May be she doth but counterfeit.

  Claudio. Faith, like enough.

  Leonato. O God, counterfeit? There was never counterfeit of passion came so near the life of passion as she discoversdeg it.

  Don Pedro. Why, what effects of passion shows she?

  Claudio. [In a low voice] Bait the hook well! This fish will bite.

  Leonato. What effects, my lord? She will sit you, you heard my daughter tell you how.

  Claudio. She did indeed.

  Don Pedro. How, how, I pray you? You amaze me! I would have thought her spirit had been invincible against all assaults of affection.

  Leonato. I would have sworn it had, my lord--especially against Benedick.

  Benedick. [Aside] I should think this a gulldeg but that the white-bearded fellow speaks it. Knavery cannot, sure, hide himself in such reverence.

  Claudio. [In a low voice] He hath ta'en th' infection; holddeg it up.

  109 discovers reveals, betrays

  121 gull trick

  125 hold keep

  Don Pedro. Hath she made her affection known to Benedick?

  Leonato. No, and swears she never will. That's her torment.

  Claudio. 'Tis true indeed. So your daughter says. "Shall I," says she, "that have so oft encount'red him with scorn, write to him that I love him?"

  Leonato. This says she now when she is beginning to write to him; for she'll be up twenty times a night, and there will she sit in her smock till she have writ a sheet of paper. My daughter tells us all.

  Claudio. Now you talk of a sheet of paper, I remember a pretty jest your daughter told us of.

  Leonato. O, when she had writ it, and was reading it over, she found "Benedick" and "Beatrice" between the sheet?