The Smallest Crack

by Roberta Kagan

  Eli knew his father well enough to realize the old man’s mind was set. His father had chosen this girl, and chances were good that she was probably going to be his bride. The only way out of marrying her was to run away. But Eli had no trade, no way of earning a living. Since he was a child he was being trained to follow his father and become a rebbe. Where would he go? What could he do? He spent all of his days studying the Torah, and now he was completely dependent upon his father for everything. Best not to argue, he thought, nodding his head. Most of the time he admired his papa, but there were times that, although he wished he didn’t, he resented him.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Eli washed his face and hands and put on clean clothes, but there was no disguising his black eye or bruised cheek. He knew that the girl’s family would notice his payot was gone. Perhaps the terrible beating he suffered would save him from having to marry. Sometimes things happen, and you don’t understand why, he thought. But in the long run, they turn out for the best. When this girl’s father sees my bruises and missing sideburns, he will think twice about me as a husband for his daughter. Consequently, this could very well be my way out.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Gretchen sat in her bedroom thinking about the strange boy she’d met. When she saw him in the park earlier that day, and before she heard the gentle tone of his voice, his unusual way of dressing had put her off. Yet when she was walking beside him, and he looked into her eyes, she saw a depth in his gaze that was missing in the boys she knew from school and the neighborhood. Eli was so serious, so intense. His voice was soft and kind, and she had to admit, he was so darn handsome. There was no flirtation in his smile, only sincere admiration. She could tell from the way he looked at her that he found her beautiful, and to her, this revelation was mesmerizing.

  She had purchased an entire bag of potatoes and carrots with the money she’d received from Eli. It was now stored in the cellar beneath her apartment. Gretchen felt good to know she had the extra vegetables available in case they ran short.

  But to her surprise, the reward money was not the only benefit. She also met Eli. He was such a gentleman to offer to walk her home, so she wouldn’t have to walk alone in the dark. How could she not find him charming? Of course, she did. However, as they first began to walk side by side, she was a little frightened. She realized that in spite of her father’s thoughts she had absorbed some of the propaganda that stated Jews were dangerous to Christians. Yet as she walked beside him and they began to talk, she relaxed. Then as they continued to walk, Gretchen found him interesting and their conversation thought provoking.

  By the time she got home, she was not afraid of him at all. She no longer believed any of the propaganda she’d heard about Jews. Instinctively, she knew all of it was nothing but lies. The boys she grew up with were not half as deep or intellectual. They only wanted to talk about Hitler, and how they hoped he would be appointed chancellor of Germany. Once he was, they would rant and rave that Hitler was going to restore Germany to her rightful place in the world. They lived on a practical plane of existence. They were concerned with the end of unemployment and the glory of the Nazi Party. There was no talk of God.

  Most of them made sexual passes at her, hoping she would give them a sign that she was interested and willing. But not Eli; he was philosophical. He had not made any sexual passes during their walk, and he seemed so willing to listen with interest to her views on everything.

  However, she ventured to guess that her father would not approve of her getting to know Eli Kaetzel better. If her father knew she was planning a meeting with Eli, he would discourage her because he was always careful when it came to her. It wasn’t that he had a dislike for Jews, but he would say that with all this Jew hatred on the rise, why get involved? She could hear him say that anyone who befriended a Jew was setting himself up for a lot of unnecessary trouble.

  Knowing her father well, Gretchen decided she would not say anything about Eli. However, she was counting the days until she saw Eli again. She could hardly wait.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Rebecca and her parents arrived at the home of Rebbe Kaetzel at exactly seven o’clock. Chenya Kaetzel, Eli’s mother, welcomed them into her home. Although it cost the Kaetzels what seemed like a small fortune to buy the food and spices that Chenya needed, she dipped into the family’s savings and prepared as nice a dinner as possible. Because her husband was the rebbe, she was able to buy a small chicken. It wasn’t as meaty as she would have liked, but it made a nice impression anyway.

  “Come in, and welcome to our home,” Chenya said to her son’s potential in-laws. “We are so pleased that you could come tonight.”

  Mr. Kesselman smiled and nodded. Rebecca’s mother, Deborah, smiled and said, “Thank you for inviting us. I brought you a vinegar-and-raisin strudel.”

  “Oh, you didn’t have to bring anything. But thank you so much,” Chenya said, taking the strudel and realizing it had probably cost the Kesselman family a pretty penny to buy all the sugar needed to prepare this lovely dessert. “Please, sit down. The rebbe and our son will be here shortly.”

  The Kesselman family sat in a row on the plush sofa in the Kaetzel’s living room. Eli walked into the room. “This is our son, Eli,” the rebbe said with a smile.

  “A pleasure to meet you, Eli,” Rebecca’s father answered.

  “My pleasure, sir,” Eli responded. Then he sat down on a chair by the window.

  Mrs. Kesselman tried not to stare, but she stole several glances at the boy, Eli, her daughter’s potential groom. She couldn’t help but notice how handsome he was. Unlike most young boys who spent all day in the yeshiva, this boy’s skin was not pasty white. He had a bit of a golden hue to his coloring as if he spent a nice amount of time outside. She wondered how and when he found time for such a thing. After all, he was supposed to spend his days engrossed in the studies of the Jewish text.

  Still, no matter how he got his slightly tanned skin, his coloring was attractive, and she hoped that her daughter would be pleased. His hair was thick and black with a deep wave, and his eyes were dark and deep but not cruel. They were soft, kind, and intelligent, but also inviting. And he was tall, taller than most of the men in their neighborhood. She would have pegged him at six feet at least, perhaps a little taller. His build was solid and not too skinny. Of all the potential husbands her husband had presented to Rebecca, this was the first one that might have a chance of winning her daughter’s approval.

  The rebbe studied Rebecca for a moment. Her long, wheat-blonde hair was pulled away from her face and clipped back with a small hair ornament that had a single pearl. She wore a modest, brown dress that covered her from her collarbone to below her knees. Even though it was a warm night, her sleeves covered her arms down to her delicate wrists. Rebecca’s eyes were cast down, but when Eli welcomed her and her parents to their home, she smiled warmly. Eli saw her quickly glance up at her father. He nodded back at her with his approval.

  “My daughter Rebecca. She’s a good girl,” Rebecca’s father said.

  Chenya Kaetzel got up and began to bring the dishes out to the table.

  “May I please help you?” Rebecca asked.

  “I would like that,” Eli’s mother said.

  “I would like to help too,” Rebecca’s mother chimed in.

  The three women went into the kitchen and began bringing the dinner to the table. Without saying a word, Rebecca obeyed as her future mother-in-law instructed her which platters and serving pieces to use. She followed her mother and Mrs. Kaetzel in and out of the kitchen as they carried platters of food to the table.

  When Mrs. Kaetzel was occupied, Rebecca’s mother whispered in her daughter’s ear, “He’s handsome.”

  “Yes, I suppose he is,” Rebecca said.

  “Do you like him?”

  Rebecca shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know him, Mama.” She had spent her entire life being obedient, never speaking her mind. So now that her mother was asking for her opinion o
n the most important decision of her life, Rebecca found herself at a loss for words. All she could say was, “If Papa likes him, I will learn to like him too.”

  But inside, her heart was breaking. Not because she didn’t want to marry this strange but handsome boy, with a bruised eye and no side curls, but because once she was married, she could no longer live at home with her parents and sister. She would see them, of course, but not nearly as often.

  She would no longer be a child; it would be time to fulfill her role in life as a wife and mother. The idea was terrifying. In her father’s house, she always had someone to ask for help, but she had no idea if that would be true once she moved into her husband’s home.

  They all sat at the table. The men talked of the Torah, and the mothers spoke about babies and how to stretch their budgets. Rebecca did not speak at all. She kept her head down and was careful not to overeat lest she looked like a glutton.

  Eli began to speak, and Rebecca quickly glanced up at her father to see what he thought. It was easy for her to read her beloved father’s face. Her Tate was listening intently. She could see that he was impressed with Eli’s knowledge.

  He is well studied, Rebecca thought. And he is handsome. What more could I possibly ask? There is a calm about him, so I don’t think he will have a temper. But who knows? He could. I really know nothing about him.

  Her stomach turned, and she suddenly felt nauseated. She put her fork down. Rebecca couldn’t eat another bite. Oh Hashem, if only I could stay a child in my father’s house forever. Marriage!

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  The evening felt as if it would never end. But finally, Rebecca and her parents were on their way home. As they walked the familiar streets of their small neighborhood, Rebecca’s father asked, “Nu? So, do you like him?”

  “I don’t know him, Tate. Do you like him?”

  “Very much. His father is a rebbe. What a learned man! This boy Eli certainly comes from a good family. He’s bright, and he’s articulate. What a speaker! Didn’t you think so?”

  Rebecca nodded.

  “What’s wrong?” her father asked.

  “Nothing, Tate . . . nothing.”

  “You’re afraid, my little girl?”

  “Yes, Tate. I am very afraid. Marriage is frightening.”

  “I know. And if it were up to me, you would stay at home with your mama and me forever. But it’s not right. You shouldn’t be an old maid. You should have a house full of laughter and children. You should have a good husband to care for you. Your mama and I would have had more children if we could have. We would have had a dozen. But that was not meant to be for us. We were fortunate that Hashem blessed us with you and your sister. But for you, I hope you have a house full of babies. And I hope that they are all just like you. What a good-natured child you have always been. Such a blessing for our mama and me! You never argued and never gave us any tsuris. No aggravation at all, like some other people’s children. You are such a pretty girl. I swelled with pride when I saw the rebbe look at you. My girl is so delicate and mild mannered. Such a good, modest child. That’s why I want to be sure you like this Eli Kaetzel before I agree to the match. I want you to be happy.”

  Rebecca swallowed. Her head was swimming, and she felt dizzy. She could see in her father’s shining eyes that he wanted her to say yes. So, as she had done her entire life, Rebecca smiled and did exactly what was expected of her.

  “Yes, Tate. Make the match. I will marry him.”

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Eli could not deny that Rebecca was a beauty: a diamond of a girl as his mother liked to say. She was tall and slender with ample hips and bosom. Her eyes were gold like the sun on a summer day, and her hair was an unusually pale, soft beige, like the hair of an angel. He’d never seen a Jewish girl with hair that shade before. She had a long, straight nose, high, prominent cheekbones, and a delicate chin with full, rose-colored lips.

  At dinner the next day, Rebbe Kaetzel was insistent that the match go forward, but Eli protested. He tried to convince his father that he wasn’t ready. But his father liked Rebecca, explaining that she was perfect not only because she was modest and lovely, but also because she came from a line of Kohanes. No matter what Eli said, his father wasn’t taking no for an answer.

  Eli could see his destiny being written. Unable to change his father’s mind, Eli began to resent Rebecca. He knew it was not her fault. She was as much a pawn as he was in their parents’ matchmaking game. But still, the very idea that he had no say in his future infuriated Eli and made him want to push Rebecca away.

  The days passed. Eli’s parents talked about the match constantly. They were excited about planning the wedding, but all Eli could think of was Gretchen. He dreamed of her at night, and he thought of her hair with its red undertones the color of a wildfire. Eli knew his thoughts and feelings for Gretchen were wrong. He knew that Gretchen’s outspoken audacity would repulse all of his male friends. They would be appalled if they knew he was on the brink of getting married, but his heart and mind were not with his modest and beautiful Jewish fiancée. No. The fire of Gretchen, a beautiful woman whom he couldn’t erase from his mine consumed his thoughts. A charming, perhaps a little dangerous, but also terribly exciting girl. Eli realized that his strong feelings for Gretchen would put a damper on his marriage to Rebecca. The union could never be what a good marriage should be.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Gretchen was full of questions for her father when he returned from teaching at the university that night. She prepared him a minimal meal and sat beside him while he ate.

  “Papa, do you remember telling me about the Kabbalah? The Jewish Kabbalah?”

  “I don’t remember telling you about it, but what would you like to know?”

  “Well, I heard that it’s not the only Jewish study book. There is also the Torah and Talmud. Do you know anything about these books?”

  “A little. But what I do know, Gretchen, is that the country is not looking kindly upon Jews right now. I personally don’t think it’s right how Germany is treating the Jews. But with the hatred of Jews on the rise, I would rather you didn’t explore an interest in Judaism. Your safety is my utmost concern. I would die if anything happened to you. What makes you so interested in it anyway?”

  “Maybe because of the growing hatred of Jewish people that has consumed Germany. Everywhere you go you hear people say all kinds of things, like the Jews have all the money, and the Jews are the reason we lost the war. It seems that everything bad is being blamed on them. And I guess I would like to know more about the Jews, so I can make up my own mind.”

  “Ahhh. Well...?” He scratched his scruffy chin. His hair was thick, and although he shaved every morning, by afternoon there was enough growth to give his chin a dark shadow.

  “I can’t be too critical of you because you are certainly my daughter.” He let out a loud laugh. “A purely intellectual pursuit? I understand that. I’ve had plenty of purely intellectual interests in my time. And I don’t blame you for wanting to know things. But it’s too dangerous. The last thing you want is to draw attention to yourself.”

  “Papa!” she persisted “You always said that it was a good thing to be intellectually curious. Since I was a child you taught me to study things that interested me and to learn and explore. All I want to do is to know more about the Jews. What is so wrong with that?"

  “Gretchen”—he sighed, frustrated—“I know it’s all very interesting. But we live in dangerous times. Now, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s wonderful that you have an inquisitive nature. But for God's sake, this is not something you want to pursue right now. There is nothing you can do to stop what is happening to the Jews. You are only one person, and besides that, you are all I have in the world. Please Gretchen, forget about all this.”

  Gretchen saw the pleading in his eyes. He was clearly worried, and nothing she said or did would convince him to discuss anything having to do with Jews. She hated to see him upset, so she decided
to change the subject.

  “You want some more soup, Papa?” Gretchen asked.

  “Did you eat?” He looked at her.

  "Of course, I did.”

  “I don’t think you did, Gretchen. You’re so skinny. I know you try to give me the largest portions. But you are a growing girl, and you have to eat.”

  “I know, Papa. I do eat.”

  “Not enough. Come on now; have a bowl of soup with me.” He tore the heel of bread she’d given him in half. “And eat this too.”

  “Oh, Papa. You are a man. You need to eat more than I do,” Gretchen said, but she took the bread. The truth was, she was hungry. Her monthly periods did not come regularly. She went to the doctor to find out why. The doctor said it was because she was very physically active but also not eating enough.

  Gretchen filled the ladle and poured the soup into her father’s bowl, making sure to give him the potato. She got a bowl down and poured some for herself.

  “What do you think about this Adolf Hitler?” he asked her. “The fellow who wants to be our chancellor?”

  “He says he is going to save Germany,” she said. “Maybe if he is appointed, we can finally get rid of unemployment. That’s what everyone says.”

  “Perhaps. More steady employment would be nice. But I think this Hitler fellow could be dangerous too.”

  Gretchen didn’t pay much attention to politics. She knew there were plenty of conflicts between the different parties, and sometimes there were fights in the streets. But none of it seemed very important to her. She didn’t care who was chancellor. All she knew was that she was always hungry, and there was never enough food.