The Smallest Crack

by Roberta Kagan

  Sometimes she would have a little extra money available to her, but when she went to the stores, they were out of goods. The bottom line was that everything was very expensive and sometimes scarce. Perhaps she might afford an extra egg. But what good was a single egg? It was considered a treasure, but it couldn’t satisfy two people, especially if those two people were a full-grown man and a very physically active teenage girl.

  Gretchen was an active girl. She tried to sit still, but she loved to run and play ball. Her father warned her that running around burned calories—calories she could not replace fast enough with food. That was why her periods were not regular.

  When she looked in the mirror, she felt sick at how painfully skinny and underdeveloped she was. Her period started very late: she was sixteen the first time. She had begun to wonder if it was ever going to come. Gretchen was afraid it would be difficult for her to conceive a child when the time was right. She tried not to think about it. However, when people talked about Hitler getting rid of unemployment and hyperinflation, she was all for his becoming chancellor.

  Everyone knew he was a raging Jew hater. But what difference could that make? In the long run, all that mattered to her was that she and her father would be able to acquire more food.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  On the Monday that Eli was to meet Gretchen at the abandoned warehouse, he woke up nervous and excited. He knew that by defying his father’s wishes, he was committing a sin. “Honor thy father and thy mother” was one of the Ten Commandments. He shivered when he thought about it but forced it out of his mind. The sun cast a bright yellow glow over the earth. The trees were blossoming. Eli was filled with anticipation. All day, as he sat in the yeshiva, he thought about Gretchen, the girl with the sprinkle of freckles beneath her bright, inquisitive, blue eyes. He couldn’t concentrate on his studies. At break time, Yousef came up to him to share his bread and butter.

  “Here, eat,” Yousef said, handing him a chunk of challah. “My mother made this last night. She bought some extra flour from the money she got from selling my grandmother’s carved picture frame.”

  Eli took the bread, grateful to his friend. “I forgot to bring any food today.”

  “You forgot? Nu? What’s the matter with you? You’ve been looking distracted all day.”

  “Eh? I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s that my father is insisting that I marry this girl he chose.”

  “He found you a match?” Yousef asked, his mouth stuffed with bread.

  “Yes, he did.”

  “NU? Who is it?”

  “Her name is Rebecca Kesselman. Her father is a Kohane. My father likes that, of course.”

  “What? You don’t like her?”

  “I don’t know her, Yousef. I met her, but she hardly said a word.”

  “Of course. They never speak. Did you expect her to?”

  “No, of course not. But still, I don’t know . . .”

  “Is she ugly? Fat?”

  “Neither. In fact, she’s quite beautiful.”

  “You should be happy. I met my future bride. I wouldn’t say she’s beautiful, but she is pleasant looking. My parents like her because she’s from a good family, so we will marry.”

  “And you are happy with this?”

  “I will be happy, Eli, because I want to be happy. My parents say that I will learn to love her.”

  “Sometimes our traditions are hard to swallow,” Eli said.

  Yousef nodded. “You know it’s hard for the girls too. When I met my future wife, I could see how nervous she was. Her hands were trembling. I felt sorry for her. I want to make her happy if I can.”

  “You’re a good man, Yousef. A good person,” Eli said.

  “I’ll meet you after class to walk home.”

  “I can’t today. I have to go into town to pick up something for my father,” Eli lied. Another sin. Now I’ve lied to Yousef. What am I doing?

  But before he could give it any more thought, the boys were called back to class. After school ended, Eli walked as quickly as he could, checking to make sure no one he knew was behind him, especially not Yousef. He didn’t want to have to justify his lie. But to his relief, no one was following him. Eli was alone. Once he turned the corner to the warehouse he knew that Yousef would not be anywhere near.

  It was a bright sunny afternoon. As he approached, his eyes quickly scanned the area. He didn’t see Gretchen anywhere. She has more sense than you, Eli told himself. Of course she didn’t come. You are a Jew; she is a shiksa. She knows better, and so should you.

  He tried desperately to rationalize his feelings, but he was overcome with disappointment. He’d waited almost a whole week for that afternoon and thought of little else. And now, he realized their meeting was not important to Gretchen at all. If it were, she would be waiting for him. What if she realized just how dangerous it was for her to associate with a Hasidic Jew? What if she’d decided he wasn’t worth the risk?

  He began to feel a wave of panic settling into the pit of his belly. I have to go to her house. I have no other choice. I don’t want her to think that I didn’t show up for our meeting. What if I’ve hurt her feelings? He stood up and began walking toward Gretchen’s apartment with his head bent when he heard her call his name.

  “Eli!”

  He turned quickly. For a single second, a twinge of fear shot through him. He wondered what he would do if someone from his neighborhood saw him. But at the same time, Eli was elated. Gretchen had come to meet him. What a mess I am, he thought.

  He called back, “Hello.”

  She ran toward him, as graceful as a fawn. He smiled. He knew that he should have left before she arrived. He should have run away when he had the chance. If Hashem was testing him, he was ashamed to admit that he was failing miserably. Even with all of his studying, his attraction to this young shiksa was proving more powerful than his faith.

  The secret meeting with Gretchen was like a strange and irresistible waltz with danger. In his protected world, few men would dare to flirt with such things. In his world, men didn’t dance with women. Women danced with women, and men danced with men. Men and women didn’t sit together in synagogue when they went to pray. They were separated. Great care was taken to prevent a man’s temptation to sin. Even though he feared his desire to sin was stronger than his power to control it, he never felt as elated as he did when he saw Gretchen walking toward him.

  “Hello,” she said, a little breathless. “I came here earlier when school let out, and you weren’t here, so I left. I thought you might have had second thoughts about meeting me. But then I thought about it, and I just wasn’t willing to believe that. So I decided to find out what time your Jewish school let out for the day.”

  “How did you ever do that?”

  She laughed. “I guess I have to admit I was spying on you! I went over to your school building, and I peered in the window. I saw the classrooms were still full, so I knew you hadn’t been released yet.”

  “Smart girl!” He laughed. “Bold too!”

  “You don’t like it?”

  “Like what?”

  “That I am smart and bold.”

  “Actually, I do. I like it too much.”

  “What’s happened to you?” she said, reaching up and touching his face. “You’re all bruised. You’ve been hurt. And your side curls are gone,” she said.

  He nodded

  “You were beaten up?”

  “Yes.”

  The look of concern in her eyes touched his soul. He wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her. He wanted to tell her she was the most wonderful, kind, and compassionate being in the world. But he knew he must not. Instead he must tell her everything before things went any further. He didn’t want to tell her. He didn’t want it to be true. “I suppose I must tell you that I have some news. My father has arranged a marriage for me.”

  “You are getting married?”

  “Yes,” he said, hanging his head.

  “Oh.” She
crossed her arms in front of her chest. “I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.” Gretchen felt like she was dying inside. She tried to stay composed. She didn’t want to cry, but the tears were welling up in the backs of her eyes.

  “It’s not like that. I wouldn’t call her a girlfriend. I’ve only met her once. But because my father wills it, she is my betrothed. She and I have never been alone together. We have never had a private conversation like the way you and I are talking now.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Let me explain it to you,” he said, and he began. He explained that he would not be alone with his future wife until they were married. He explained that all he knew about Rebecca was her name and that her father was a Kohane.

  “I suppose we shouldn’t meet here again,” Gretchen said.

  “I guess not.” He felt his heart sink as he said it, but he knew it was for the best.

  “Well, if we aren’t ever going to meet again, then . . .” She looked into his eyes. He thought she was going to get up and leave. He wished there were something he could say or do to change his fate, but he knew it was impossible. Gretchen stood up and turned to go. Eli felt as if the door to a bright and happy life was closing on him, and he was going to be left forever in darkness. But then she turned and walked back toward him. Leaning down, she gently kissed his lips.

  A multitude of conflicting emotions washed over him, drowning his sense of right and wrong. He stood up, tall and handsome and pulled her into his arms, kissing her hard and passionately. She sighed. He held her for a moment then released her.

  Then he turned and left the warehouse.

  Gretchen stood alone watching him as he walked away.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  This is for the best, Eli told himself over and over as he walked home. I have done the right thing by separating myself from Gretchen. No good could ever come from it. He always did what was expected of him, but this time, his heart could not accept his choice. He turned his thoughts to his future bride. Rebecca was a lovely girl. Her mother made a point of telling his family that her daughter was obedient and an excellent cook. All the while, Rebecca sat like a statue with her head down, never looking up and never saying a word. Of course, that was what was expected of her, and she followed protocol perfectly. This was what he was supposed to want in a bride; it just didn’t fulfill him.

  So, Papa, I will do as you wish. I will marry the lovely and perfect Rebecca Kesselman. She will never question any decision I make. I will rule as the man of the house, just as it should be. My wife will know her place. She will keep our house kosher and, of course, keep the Sabbath. Together, we will give you many beautiful grandchildren. And you will be happy, Papa. I will be the son who makes you proud. The son you can brag about to all of your friends. Our children will be the shining product of a rebbe's son and a Kohane’s daughter. And you will have such nachas, such joy.

  But me? Oh, Papa, if you only knew the truth in my heart. I wish I didn’t feel so strongly about Gretchen, but I do. I know I will always remember Gretchen as the spirited girl, with the sprinkle of freckles and eyes the color of a blue jay’s wing, for the rest of my life.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Rebecca had just returned from the mikvah, the ritual bath house for Jewish women, where she had her ritual bath. Tonight, she and Eli would be married. As required, she had bathed and been made ready for her wedding night. Her nails were cut and her hair washed. It was embarrassing to stand naked in front of the old women at the mikvah, but she knew she had better get used to it. Once she was married, she was required to bathe after every menstrual period before physically reconnecting with her husband. According to Jewish law, a bleeding woman was considered unclean. Her husband was not even permitted to touch her hand until the blood stopped, and she had to bathe at the mikvah, before being declared clean enough to lie with her husband once again.

  Slowly and methodically, Rebecca filled her small suitcase with all of her possessions. She didn’t own very much, so there wasn’t much to pack. Her heart was heavy, knowing that after tonight she would never live in her childhood home again. She would live in the rebbe's house with his son. From this day forward, she would no longer be the carefree young girl she’d always been; she would be the wife of Eli Kaetzel.

  She tried hard to rationalize. My father has been kind in his choice of husband. At least Eli is a handsome boy. I just wish I could turn back time and be a child again. She ran her fingers through her lovely pale hair. She always thought it was her prettiest feature. But for a married Jewish woman, there was no room for such vanity. Her wedding ceremony would be the last time she would be permitted to show her hair to anyone outside of her family.

  After she was married, she would not leave her house without her head covered. Even worse, tomorrow morning her mother would come to her new home and shave her head to make sure that no hair escaped her head scarf. If Eli were kind, she would be allowed to grow her hair back, probably not as long as it was now, but at least not shaved. However, if he were very strict, she would be required to shave her head each month. And, of course, she would be obedient. Rebecca was always obedient.

  When her father asked if she were happy about her upcoming marriage, instead of telling him the truth that she didn’t want to marry, she said, “Yes, Tate. I am happy.” Rebecca knew it was what her father wanted to hear. He nodded and smiled at her, and before she knew it, it was her wedding day. Rebecca felt her shoulders slump in defeat. What could she do except go forward with the plan her parents had put into motion? She could only pray to Hashem that her new husband would be gentle and kind, and that, somehow, she would find a way to be happy.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  The wedding was lovely. It was held in the shul that the rebbe had attended since he was a child. It was the same shul his father had attended and his father before him. Because both sets of parents had many friends in the community, many guests came to see the couple joined. The men sat on one side, the women on the other, and the music began. The audience uttered a collective gasp as the bride entered the hall. Eli waited in front of the rabbi as his new bride-to-be walked toward him accompanied by her father. She circled him seven times, as was tradition and then stopped at his side for the rabbi to begin the ceremony.

  What a beautiful couple they made! Eli Kaetzel, tall and well built, with his dark, wavy hair and deep, mysterious eyes, provided a stunning contrast to his striking wife, Rebecca Kesselman, with her soft, curvy figure, pale hair, and bright yellow-green eyes the color of a cat’s. The vows were spoken, the rings exchanged, and then the couple shared a glass of wine. Once the glass was empty, the rabbi wrapped the glass carefully in a cloth and put it down in front of Eli’s foot. The room was silent as Eli raised his foot. He stomped on the glass, and the breaking sound elicited a hearty “Mazel tov” from the guests. The marriage was now sealed.

  Rebecca trembled at the sound of the breaking glass. At that very instant, her life changed forever. But what she didn’t yet know was how it would change.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  The young couple was escorted to a private room where they were allowed to speak alone together for the first time. Eli closed the door softly, but Rebecca heard the click of the door magnified in her ears. She felt her heart beating hard and fast in her chest. She was so nervous that she had been unable to eat anything that day, and now she was dizzy and nauseated. She knew so little about this handsome, young man whose ring she now wore on the first finger of her right hand. Quickly, she glanced at the gold band. This man is my husband, she thought, feeling a little overwhelmed as if she might faint.

  “Hello,” he said, sitting down beside her and folding his hands in his lap.

  She looked at him for a second and gave him a quick and nervous smile. She mustered up a “Hello.” He has nice hands, she thought. His fingers are long and thin. His nails are clean. Of course, his hands are clean and smooth. He doesn’t do any manual labor. He is the son of a rebbe; he st
udies all day.

  “You look very lovely tonight,” Eli said.

  “Thank you.”

  “We are married.” It was an awkward statement from him. But after all, what could she expect? He must be very nervous too, she realized.

  She nodded, not finding any appropriate words to say.

  “The ceremony was very nice,” he added.

  “Yes,” she choked out.

  Relief came when the door to the room opened, and the couple was invited back to the reception to celebrate their marriage with their guests.

  Esther was the first to greet Rebecca when she entered the woman’s side of the shul. “You’re married,” she said almost as if she couldn’t believe it. “Mazel tov is in order, I suppose.”

  “Thank you,” Rebecca said.

  “I want you to be happy, my friend,” Esther said.

  “I know that. I am trying, Esther. But I am scared. It’s strange. We have spent our whole entire lives being raised for the day when we would be married and have children of our own. Yet when it happens, well, at least for me, I feel as if my life is over instead of beginning.”

  “I know. I feel the same way about marriage. In fact, I wanted to tell you my father has made a match for me. I am dreading it so much. I met him. He’s very fat, and his nose is red, like my father’s. I am afraid he drinks too much. And when I glimpse his eyes, he looks angry.”

  “He might be nice. You don’t know him yet.”

  “I know; you’re right. My father says I have no choice.”

  “Oh Esther, I hope it all works out for you.”