Global Warming Fun 5: It’s a Dry Heat

by Gary J. Davies

  ****

  Early the next morning there was still some uncertainty about which route the travelers would use to go north. Tog took Snake, Doll, and Ed for a short bike-ride and walk to view Interstate 5, which for nearly a century had been the main route connecting Northern and Southern California. The huge highway was four lanes wide in each direction at this point, and aside from a few potholes appeared to in incredibly good shape - far better than any of the other roads that Ed had seen since arriving in California. Surprisingly, it was totally deserted.

  "This stretch is in unusually good shape for over three miles in each direction," explained Tog. "The desert has preserved much of the Interstate in almost pristine condition. We don't get flooding as bad here as they do towards the mountains except for in a few low places, but there the damage is great. Some of the good stretches like this one get some local traffic, but where sizable bridges got washed out we haven't bothered to keep the Interstate open."

  "You guys keep mentioning floods," said Ed, "but the biggest problem in the State has been droughts. I'm confused."

  "Understandable," said Doll. "Before California built its system of dams and reservoirs and aqueducts and so forth the Valley flats used to flood from the Spring snow-melts in the mountains. With the water system in place much surface water was sent to Valley farms and to LA. Now that system is largely destroyed and water isn't pumped to LA anymore. Also there is less vegetation in the Valley to hold water. Even inland nowadays we get hurricane remnants sometimes. In the Valley there is less net water but what water there is tends to cause floods and flood damage. In a nutshell most of California pretty much alternates between drought and flood. It actually always was that way, but now it's more pronounced."

  "Droughts that lead to floods; that's a nifty irony!" Ed remarked.

  They walked to a point nearby to where the remains of the California Aqueduct also stretched to the north and south. Up close the aqueduct structure was huge and impressive, even in its current dilapidated state. They walked through a road-wide broken-out wall section of the thick concrete structure.

  "Dynamite is used to create openings for vehicle traffic and water run-off," explained Snake. "It might seem like a shame to do that but these aqueducts will never again be used as aqueducts. The North has permanently cut us off from their water. They were happy to give us the dynamite needed to do the job of blasting openings in aqueducts."

  Inside, the aqueduct floor formed a fifty-foot wide roadway on which several motorcycles towing trailers were hauling supplies from the North. There were occasional imperfections but those were relatively minor. Assuming it extended for many miles, his was by far the best roadway that Ed had seen since coming to California.

  "It turns out that the aqueducts are easier to maintain as roadways than the roads are," said Doll. "They are very nearly level and built to last using concrete; not the softer and less durable asphalt that was once used for most roads."

  "But I don't understand how they ever worked," said Ed. "For water to move up the Valley and over the mountains to LA wouldn't the water need to somewhere run up hill? What am I missing?"

  "Pumping stations," said Snake. "The aqueduct is in sections, each gently sloped downhill and south along Valley contours. There are several huge pumping stations that used to pump water uphill through pipes between aqueduct sections to almost two-thousand feet above sea level to get out of the Valley through the Tehachapi Mountains and eventually to LA. So the system has pipes and tunnels in addition to open aqueducts. Of course those pumping stations used to use tremendous amounts of electric power that we don't have any more."

  "It seems like a damned shame to lose all that infrastructure," said Ed.

  "I've seen enough," said Snake. "We'll use the aqueduct instead of Interstate 5. Scar will probably easily find us there and could easily ambush or trap us but apparently for unknown reasons he wants us to get to the North safely. We'll bank mostly on that."

  The travelers were soon on their way north in the aqueduct. The slope was gently upward but not enough to appreciably slow them. Every hour or so the aqueduct essentially ended at an abandoned pumping station and they had to travel down a section of improvised roadway to get to the next aqueduct section. They encountered hundreds of traders hauling goods south and food north using small cycle-pulled trailers. They also encountered dozens of Storms patrolling the route but no Scar bikers. Why that was so still weighed heavily on Snake and Doll, who chattered about it many times during the trip without coming up with a plausible explanation. Ed meanwhile pondered about the jants. What the hell where they up to with their human allies and zombies? Did these California jants have world-wide jant approval or where they rogues?

  Mostly the trip was boring. Usually there wasn't much to see except the high inside walls of the aqueduct. Mary bore the long trip stoically while listening to mostly Brahms and Tchaikovsky. Ed didn't like it that she listened mostly to the Brahms fourth symphony and the Tchaikovsky sixth symphony, which dwelled too much on the theme of tragic death. He much preferred the more optimistically cheerful earlier works of Mary's two favorite composers, especially Tchaikovsky's highly emotional Fifth Symphony, and in particular its hauntingly beautiful second movement.

  The opposing traffic became heavier, until it became a constant stream of cycles towing trailers heavily laden with crates full of trade goods. As impressive as that volume of goods was, Ed realized it was a mere trickle compared to what could be achieved by more efficient means of transportation such as full-sized trucks or trains.

  At last they exited the Aqueduct a final time near Modesto, where after a short ride they entered a huge open area packed with hundreds of cycles, trucks, and interacting people. Ed was intrigued to again see actual full-sized trucks: the first they had encountered since arriving in California. Trade goods were being mostly hand-carried by burly men between dozens of big trucks and hundreds of small cycle-towed trailers. This was the place where most of the goods traded between the Confederacy and the North changed hands. There were thousands of small crates of fruits and vegetables headed north and crates of mostly non-food items headed south.

  A conspicuously large building that stood a hundred yards distant was surrounded by dozens of CHiPs, easily distinguishable in their solid-tan uniforms. A neat row of a dozen identical CHiP motorcycles, a half-dozen patrol cars, and several big black limousines were parked in front of the building. Half a dozen cycle-sized drones circulated slowly overhead, presumably keeping an eye on things for the CHiPs. Ed had seen many drones in New York and was not surprised to also see them here in modern Northern California.

  Ed also noticed several big warehouses around the periphery of the open area that were hubs of trading activity. The several bars/restaurants located conveniently nearby them were also conspicuously mobbed with truckers, bikers, and traders. Ed was getting hungry and hoped that they were headed for one of those.

  Instead however, Snake and Crew made their way slowly through the crowds of traders to an inconspicuously small building that stood alone in the midst of the seeming chaos. There a dozen ornate chrome-plated Harley-Davidsons stood idle while their apparent owners stood waiting to greet the arriving travelers. Snake, Doll and the other four Storms of the traveling Crew parked and dismounted their bikes and exchanged warm hags and slaps on the backs with their Storm comrades.

  "Welcome back to the Trade Zone, Brother Snake," said their leader, a huge hairy Storm captain judging by his patches. "We are happy to see you alive and well!"

  "It has been too long, Bear," replied Snake warmly, as he exchanged a hearty greeting hug with the big Storm. "Let's go into the Storm Trade Hut where we can talk."

  After quick introductions Snake, Doll, Ed, Mary and Wheels, and Bear went inside the Storm Trade Hut while the other Crew members stayed outside with the bikes and buddies. Inside and away from the bikes, trucks, and traders, it was comfortably quiet. After restrooms, sandwiches, beverages, and the usual compleme
ntary searches for med-ticks and electronic bugs, Bear sat down with the visitors in a surprisingly large conference room.

  "All heck has been breaking loose here since your two famous visitors from New York arrived in the Confederacy," Bear began.

  "And I suppose that my cover is blown?" asked Snake.

  "Totally," said Bear. "The CHiPs know exactly who you and Doll really are and who Ed and Mary Rumsfeld are."

  "Kinda figured that would happen," said Doll.

  "I think that you are all safe here in the Trade Zone but who the hell knows what they will do with you if you continue into the North?" said Bear. "Our spies don't have a clear reading on what the hell is going on, but over the last year or so there has been a lot of political instability in Sacramento and elsewhere here in the State. I advise that you turn around now. I can spare maybe two dozen Storms to safely escort you south all the way to Bakersfield."

  "The Federal Government backs our safety here in the North," Ed noted.

  "With respect you're a very long way from Washington, New York, and your Mohawk Reservation, Chief," said Bear.

  "We will continue with our vacation trip," said Mary, "and we hope that Snake and Doll will come with us."

  "Absolutely," agreed Ed.

  "Of course we will go on with you," said Snake. "I gave you my word on it. Are you still on good terms with Slocomb, Bear? What does he say?"

  "My State counterpart here in the Trade Zone is as overwhelmed and apprehensive as I am," said Bear. "Since yesterday he has been hosting State VIPs anxiously waiting here to greet you. I'm told that the Governor himself is among them. I'm supposed to immediately take you to the State Trade Hut to meet with them if and when you show up here. The CHiPs will have already reported your arrival here. You were spotted by their spy drones when you were still over a hundred miles away."

  "Send word to them that the meeting will be here and ASAP," said Snake.

  "They probably won't like that," said Bear.

  "Tough," said Snake. "Even if they have overwhelming forces and everything else this Trade Zone is still officially part of the Confederacy. I'm simply reminding them of that."

  Bear smiled and stepped out of the room for a short time and soon returned. "They agree and will be here within minutes," he announced, as he handed out modern fist-sized satellite visicoms to the travelers. "Hyper-encrypted, of course," he noted. "And unlike in the South, satellite navigation signals are available. And this is Ken Hooper, your Storm guide to the North and your key link to our absurdly inadequate little Northern California spy network." Bear stepped aside so that a small thin man could squeeze through the doorway past Bear's immense bulk. Ken was a past middle-aged man close to Ed's height and build that wore an all-gray business suit; with clean shaven face and sharp hawkish features.

  "Ken, you old son-of-a-bitch!" exclaimed Snake, as he hugged the smaller man. "I thought you were retired!"

  "Retirement is boring as hell, that's what I soon found out," said Ken.

  Snake introduced Ken to the others as an old compatriot of his that spent many decades spying in the North for the Storm Confederacy.

  "The State figured out what I was decades ago and mostly didn't even care," lamented Ken. "They even hired me on as a State consultant. When a buddy of mine working in the State Capital told me about this crazy mission of yours I had to get in on it."

  "It's more of a cluster than a mission, Ken," said Snake. "In a nutshell what's going on from your perspective?"

  "That's what everyone wants to know," said Ken. "Word is out that President Roth and even Jerry Green himself spoke with Governor Flanders several times over the last month about the Rumsfelds coming here. But some say that Flanders still doesn't know what's happening. There are rumors in the national news about an aircraft high-jacking and the disappearance of the Rumsfelds but nobody has put together a coherent story."

  "National news!" exclaimed Ed. "So much for privacy!"

  "A monumental cluster," said Snake.

  "Mostly we're vacationing," said Mary, "and mostly it's nobody's business but our own."

  "Nobody in their right mind goes to Southern California for a vacation," said Ken.

  "That's true for sure," admitted Ed.

  "In any case we're here," said Mary. "I suppose we should work out itinerary details and get started."

  "There's some VIP State folks headed here now that will want in on that," said Bear.

  On cue there was a knock at the conference room door and two middle-aged men in business suits were admitted, followed by an attractive past middle-age woman also dressed for an office environment. To Ed her most obvious feature was her telepathic ability.

  "Hello, Ken!" she said to Ken Hooper with a big smile. "JERRY GREEN SAYS HELLO AND HIPPOPOTAMUS," she also immediately and confidentially told Ed telepathically.

  Despite her knowledge of one of the passwords Jerry had given him, Ed didn't immediately give the counter-sign. "I'VE ALWAYS LIKED HIPPOS, DESPITE THEIR TENDENCY TO ATTACK AND KILL MORE PEOPLE THAN LIONS OR CROCODILES," Ed answered. "I HOPE THERE ARE ENOUGH HIPPOS BEING RAISED IN ZOOS TO PRESERVE THE SPECIES."

  "I'm Allen Slocomb, State Envoy in charge of trade relations with the Stormtrooper Confederacy," said the first man, as he shook hands with each of the travelers, "and these are of course Governor Paul Flanders, and Lieutenant Governor Mira Craig." He gestured towards the other man and the Craig woman and then stepped back and out of their way.

  "Snake Williams the War Brother, and the infamous China Doll his Warrior Princess," said Flanders, as Snake and Doll stood to shake hands with him. "When Green informed me that it would be you accompanying the Rumsfelds I was totally flabbergasted. What, may I ask, are your intensions here?"

  "Mostly curiosity, Governor," said Snake, "to be indulged as I escort the vacationing Rumsfelds. Though there is also the pending matter of Los Angeles. I assume that Green has spoken to you about that business also."

  "We've already drafted treaty paperwork and sent it to your brother to review and ratify," said Flanders. "Good luck with the Mexicans though. I don't expect they will give up on Los Angeles so easily."

  "We'll work things out with them as peacefully as possible," said Snake. "Before long you will be calling me the Peace Brother."

  "That would be a welcome change," said the Governor, as he shifted his attention to Ed and Mary. "Your Stone-Coats precede you, Rumsfeld. They are working miracles in our State and quickly winning over supporters including me. Between the expanded Federal Space Program and the Stone-Coats the public is already starting to feel more confident of a positive future. It's a damned miracle! Your itinerary as relayed by President Roth and the mysterious Jerry Green puzzle us though. It suggests that after a rather brief stop in Silicon Valley and San Francisco you'll head further north to see trees and then somehow from there travel home."

  "Our primary reason for being in California is to vacation," said Ed. "But we promised to stop by and check on Jerry's Space Program while we were out here."

  "With no planned stop in Sacramento?" Flanders asked. "Surely a person of your political stature can understand our disappointment."

  "Political stature?" Ed managed. "I'm a Co-Chief of a tiny Mohawk Tribe."

  "You're far too modest," said the Governor. "Your Tribe has been instrumental in establishing both Stone-Coat and jant relationships with humans world-wide. Like it or not you are an international super-star. Yet you planned to sneak in and out of California without even contacting State authorities?"

  "HIS RE-ELECTION IS NEXT MONTH," Mara quietly informed Ed. "THE TIMING OF YOUR VISIT SEEMS TO TIE IN WITH THE ELECTION. HIS STRONGEST OPPONENT IS NAMED LORNA RIPPA, A JANT ADVOCATE."

  "No slight to you or your wonderful state was intended, Governor," said Ed. "We simply lack the time to do everything here that maybe ideally we'd like to do. Mary and I have resisted becoming public figures, and we aren't interested at all in becoming celebrities or involving ourselves in politic
s."

  "We are quiet, behind the scenes people," added Mary. "We came here mostly to see your wonderful trees and coastline."

  "You are definitely world-wide mega-celebrities," countered Flanders, "even if by mostly staying on your Mohawk Reservation you didn't realize it. But over the last few days there have been stories in the national and world news that you were missing, kidnapped, or killed in savage Southern California, which has been irresponsibly abandoned by State and Federal governments. In sum my state and I are getting devastatingly bad press. Now you've been discovered alive and well, no thanks to me, and as wonderful as that may be, I'll still look like a bumbling fool."

  "There now, it isn't so bad as all that," said Ken Hooper. "The story just needs a touch of spin and you'll all be heroes. The airplane bringing them to LA developed engine problems and had to put down in the desert, where the kindly Williams Brothers befriended the Rumsfelds and brought them safely to the State, along with good tidings of hope for besieged Los Angeles that the city will soon be under State-approved protection by the Confederacy. The Brothers in cooperation with the State will free Los Angeles from the nasty drug-mob controlled Mexicans."

  "OK, that all sounds good," said Mara. "You haven't lost your touch, Ken. Good to see you back in action."

  "The ever helpful Rumsfelds helped the Brothers apply their Stone-Coats to better the lives of the needy people of the Confederacy and devise a path towards peace in Los Angeles," said Doll, continuing the narrative. "Then as skillfully planned by the ever vigilant and resourceful Governor our visiting heroes headed north to review the Space Program and Stone-Coat progress and to ensure lasting peace between the State and the Confederacy as well as increased prosperity and safety for all Californians."

  "And of course they had a warm heart-felt meeting with their friend the Governor along the way," added Mara.

  "Wow, we really are heroes!" remarked Ed. "Even I'd like to meet me! Will I have to kiss any babies?"

  "Maybe," said Mary. "And while they were in the neighborhood the visitors decided to see the big trees and the coastline in support of the wonderful conservation plans of the State and Federal governments."

  "And then they lived happily ever after," concluded Ed. "I think I feel a happy-tear coming on!"

  "Work out the details and make it so, Mara; and get some good video and stills," said the Governor, as he stood to leave. "I've got to get back on the campaign trail. Say! Before I leave why don't I warmly greet all of you outside as you arrive here?"

  "Great idea; we'll get some great video and stills!" said Mara, with a smile.

  "Even though we arrived half an hour ago!" noted Ed. "So you're leaving now after we just met you but instead we'll make it look like we're arriving as planned and we're all really good buddies."

  "Exactly!" said Mara.

  "I think I'm getting the hang of this now!" said Ed.

  They went outside and went through the motions of arriving and greeting each other warmly while a woman with a professional looking camera system recorded everything. Ed and Mary said a few words about how wonderful it was to be in the great state of California and visiting their good friend Governor Flanders. Snake said that he and Flanders were guaranteeing greater peace and prosperity for all of California. "Thanks to the vision and initiative of Governor Flanders," Snake even added.

  After a little editing footage was released to the public news outlets. Holographic images of the safe arrival of Ed, Mary, and Snake in Northern California and the warm greeting given by Governor Flanders was soon State, national, and world news.

  "We're still not going to Sacramento," Ed told Mara, after the Governor was gone and they returned to the Storm Trade Hut conference room to discuss the itinerary.

  "HIPPOPOTAMUS," she answered telepathically.

  "RUMPELSTILTSKIN," Ed at long-last replied with the password countersign. "HOW LONG HAVE YOU WORKED FOR JERRY GREEN?"

  "OVER TWENTY-FIVE YEARS," Mara replied. "THROUGH THREE CALIFORNIA GOVERNORS."

  "NIFTY, BUT WE STILL AREN'T GOING TO SACRAMENTO."

  "We're next supposed to go to someplace called Moffat Field and to Stanford University," Ed said aloud. "Then we want to see a little of San Francisco before we head further north to see the redwoods and the Pacific."

  "The Feds want you to first visit Stanford. Stanford has an ongoing colloquium with the Stone-Coats and they want you to visit and provide some remarks." said Mara.

  "Remarks?" Ed said, startled. "Remarks about what?"

  "About the significance of the human collaboration with Stone-Coats," said Mara. "You and your mother have dealt with them far longer than most people have."

  Mother? It took a moment for Ed to realize that she meant Mary. Jerry Green had of course identified Mary to be his mother!

  "No problem," said Mary, smiling. "My son and I will be glad to discuss Stone-Coats with Stanford intellectuals. Sounds like great fun."

  "And the Governor wants to hold a discussion with Brother Williams and publically make a show of improving State relations with the Confederacy."

  "Our relationship is already good!" Snake protested. "You already have your damned publicity shots of Flanders greeting us! You'll have my face plastered in every media outlet in the country! Isn't that enough?"

  "You're a living legend, War Brother Snake," said Ken. "China Doll has also become notorious. You two can't escape publicity any more than Ed can. Flanders wants to be seen as being on top of the situation."

  "Swell!" the Brother conceded. "But I'm traveling on my cycle, not inside some damned State limo."

  "Same here," added Doll.

  "Ditto," said Ed. "We've gotten used to traveling in Mack and value his companionship."

  Mara shrugged. "I can work with that until we get to your next stop. Ken and I get the limo for now. But we prefer that Snake and Doll be the only Stormtroopers coming along. We can't very well have a whole Storm crew cycling though our streets."

  "We had already decided that," said Snake. "My men will wait for me here. You, Ken, myself and Doll will escort the Rumsfelds from here on out."

  "Snake and Doll better get back here safe or there will be hell to pay," added Bear to the Lieutenant Governor.

  "Understood," said Mara, though everyone knew that his was a mostly empty threat. "Everyone, this is Lieutenant Fred Custer, leader of the CHiPs that will be escorting us throughout your visit with us."

  A burley middle-aged CHiP without a hint of telepathic ability stepped out from the ranks of police that had arrived earlier with the Governor. "It will be my pleasure," he said, as he shook hands with the visitors and then with Bear and Slocomb. He eyed Snake and Doll wearily, taking their measure.

  "I don't think that we've met before," said Bear, as he sized up the CHiP patrolman.

  "I've led some patrols along the South Coast, but mostly I've worked in the North," said Custer.

  "HE HAS BEEN PROTECTING THE GOVERNOR AND I MOST RECENTLY," Mara added for Ed's benefit. "HE'S A GOOD MAN, THOUGH HE'S TOTALLY NON-POLITICAL."

  A CHiP trooper handed Custer a small satchel from which he retrieved small cell-phones that he passed out to the visitors. "These are CHiP units preset to call me and my men directly," he explained. "Hit the yellow button and you'll get me. Hit the red button and we'll all come running to whoever hit the button."

  "A panic button!" said Ed. "Sounds good to me."

  "Is there a button that sends you all away?" asked Snake.

  "Afraid not," Custer said with a smile.

  "Sounds swell," said Ed. "I'm sure we'll all get along nicely! Now let's get this vacation moving please!"

  Custer assumed the lead road captain position in the convoy, followed by Snake and Doll, then Mack and the limo. The ancient ornate Harleys of the Stormtroopers contrasted greatly with the smaller, newer, quieter, more compact cycles of the CHiPs.

  Bear and Slocomb happily waved goodbye to the entourage when they left the Trade Center, obviously relieved that their V
IP visitors were all gone at last and things were back to a normal level of chaos.

  ****