“A missive came for you,” the footman told Benjamin.
Benjamin got up to take it, and while the two talked, Emilia stood up and went to one of the windows. How was it possible that every single thing she did to get Benjamin to think unfavorably about her didn’t work? Was it possible he knew her scheme and was doing this on purpose?
She studied him as he read the missive. No. It couldn’t be. She was the type to be deceptive, but he wasn’t. He accepted everything people told him, and he assumed the way people portrayed themselves was the way they really were. How was it possible that someone could live in London and be so naïve?
She rubbed her forehead and groaned. She could see now that she should have just come out and told him that she didn’t want to marry him as soon as her father told her about the marriage they had arranged. It would have been painful, but it would have been quick. And, now that she understood how Benjamin was, she realized he would have accepted it. He might have been hurt. He might have been disappointed. But unlike her parents, he wouldn’t have forced her to go through with the wedding.
Tell him you don’t want to be with him now. Tell him you want to be in another townhouse.
She winced. No, she couldn’t.
Why not? You already established that he’ll do whatever you want. You don’t have to tell him you don’t love him. Just say you want your own townhouse. You demanded new furniture and expensive rings. You can demand a townhouse from him, too. Maybe you don’t even have to demand it. Maybe you could sweetly ask.
She winced again. For some reason, that didn’t seem like a good way to go about it. Even if she sweetly asked, it wouldn’t be his idea. She’d probably hurt him.
What do you care if he’s hurt or not? You think the fact that he’s married to a lady who can’t even stand to look at him is nice?
She snuck another peek at him. He wasn’t that awful to look at. She wouldn’t say she couldn’t stand to look at him.
But you don’t like the way he laughs.
His laughter really wasn’t all that bad. Once a person got used to it, the occasional snort was easy to ignore.
You don’t like the way he dresses.
Not everyone was perfect when it came to selecting clothes. Besides, Lord Cadwalader wore more ostentatious outfits.
He wore clothes to match your wedding gown!
Which was actually kind of sweet now that she thought on it. He was only doing it to show that he was happy to be marrying her. He didn’t realize it made him look silly.
He agrees with everyone about everything. He doesn’t ever argue with anyone.
Probably because he’s afraid if he says what he thinks, others won’t like him.
That’s because they all take one look at him and want to run the other way. There’s nothing appealing about him upon first glance.
And most people would never take the time to find out what else there was to him.
Because we’re too wrapped up in ourselves to care.
Her face warmed from a mixture of embarrassment and shame.
“Your parents sent a missive,” Benjamin said as he came over to her. “They invited us to attend a dinner party at their townhouse at our earliest convenience. When would you like to go?”
Grateful for the distraction, she said, “Tell them we’ll go tomorrow evening.”
She would have asked him if tomorrow was fine with him, but she already knew it would be. He had agreed with her about everything else. Why not this, too?
With a nod, he hurried to the desk to pen the response. She turned her attention back to the window. The air was brisk, but it didn’t look like it’d be too terrible for a walk. She wouldn’t mind a simple distraction, something to take her attention off of her swirling thoughts.
When he gave the parchment to the footman, she approached him. “I want to take a stroll.”
“Is there anywhere you want to walk to?” he asked.
“No. I just want to walk for a while and come home.”
And, more importantly, she wanted to forget about everything for a while. Without waiting for him to respond, she went upstairs to get her coat and hat.
Chapter Nine
The next evening, Emilia and Benjamin arrived at her parents’ townhouse. As soon as they entered the drawing room, her mother hurried over to hug her.
“You look splendid, my dear,” Emilia’s mother whispered. “Marriage appears to be good for you.”
It did? How could her mother take one look at her and make such an announcement when she knew full well that Emilia had protested the marriage?
Had, Emilia? That’s past tense.
Emilia forced the observation aside.
“We’re glad you two came tonight,” her father said, giving her and Benjamin a smile so wide that it was easy to see how much he loved seeing them together. “You two make a handsome couple. Don’t you agree, dear?” he asked her mother.
Her mother offered an enthusiastic nod.
Emilia glanced up at Benjamin and supposed they might look all right together, but she didn’t know if she’d go so far as to go on and on about it like her parents were doing.
“We should play a game before dinner,” her mother said, breaking the silence that had fallen between them.
“That’s a good idea!” Her father turned his attention to Benjamin. “I have cards. What game would you like to play?”
Benjamin shrugged. “I’ll play anything. You should decide.”
“I want you to choose. This is the first time we’ll all be playing as a family,” her father said. “It’s a special occasion. I’d like this game to be your favorite.”
Emilia could see that Benjamin hesitated to answer since he had a fear of making the wrong decision, so she prompted, “No one will mind if you pick the card game you want to play.”
Benjamin glanced at her parents as if he wasn’t sure she was telling him the truth.
Frustrated, she asked, “Why don’t you believe me?”
He blinked in surprise and turned his gaze back to her. “I never said I don’t believe you.”
“You didn’t have to. The fact that you hesitated and looked at my parents told me you didn’t believe me,” she replied.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t intend for you to think that.”
She knew he didn’t, which was why she couldn’t bring herself to get angry with him. “Benjamin, how many times do I have to tell you that it’s perfectly fine if you give your opinion about something? Maybe you don’t want to do it around certain people because they won’t accept it, but when you’re with us, you have nothing to worry about.”
“Emilia’s right,” her father added. “We want to know your opinion. It doesn’t just have to be about cards. It can be anything.”
Benjamin nodded. “In that case, I would like to play Whist.”
“Whist it is,” her father said.
“An excellent choice,” her mother added.
“It is.” Emilia figured she might as well chime in since Benjamin seemed to need the encouragement.
Benjamin visibly relaxed. Her parents led them to the card table, and they began playing. Emilia had forgotten how much she enjoyed playing cards with her parents. Since the marriage had been arranged, there hadn’t been any time to sit and play cards. Her parents had spent all their waking hours preparing for her gown and working with Benjamin to make the wedding perfect.
Emilia supposed, looking back on everything, the wedding had been a pleasant affair. Not that she would have chosen to marry Benjamin again, but the gown and room had been pretty. Having her friends and relatives around had been nice as well. If a lady had to get married, she might as well have the kind of wedding Emilia did.
They ended up playing three games before the butler told them dinner was ready. She hadn’t expected time to pass so fast. It seemed as if she’d just sat down to start the first game. Lilly would have teased her that she should be careful not to enjoy herself too much whil
e in Benjamin’s company. “You might end up thinking it’s not so bad to be married to him after all,” Lilly would whisper in her ear.
What nonsense. Emilia enjoyed playing cards, and she liked spending time with her parents. Why shouldn’t she get pleasure out of being here this evening?
“It’s not only the cards or being with your parents that is giving you so much enjoyment,” Lilly would tease.
Emilia pushed the thought aside. Lilly wasn’t here. While it was true Lilly would find a way to playfully tease her since she wasn’t running out of the room to hide from Benjamin, Emilia didn’t have to think of her friend at a time like this.
“Would you mind if I escort my daughter to dinner this evening?” her father asked Benjamin, breaking her out of her thoughts.
“No, I don’t mind,” Benjamin replied.
Her father gestured for Benjamin and her mother to leave the drawing room first. He waited until they were in the hall before he patted her hand and gave her a smile. “It’s nice to see that you’re happy with him. I thought you might be once you got to know him.”
She was ready to protest that she was happy with the evening, not that she was married to Benjamin, but she might as well let him think what he wanted. Keeping silent, she let him lead her out of the room.
***
Emilia’s hands shook as she slipped her gloves on the next evening. This was ridiculous. She shouldn’t be nervous about going to a ball.
But you’re not going with your mother. You’re going with Benjamin. Others will see you with him. And they’ll either pity you or laugh at you.
She forced down the wave of apprehension that threatened to rise to the surface. She should have told Benjamin she was unable to go to the ball when he asked her if she wanted to go. She didn’t know what had convinced her to agree to it. All she remembered was that he’d looked so excited about going that she’d wanted to do it just to make him happy.
She let out an exasperated sigh. What was wrong with her? She was supposed to be a contrary wife. If she did things he wanted, he was going to want her to stay in this townhouse forever.
She covered her face with her hands and took a moment to compose herself. She was losing her wits. As of late, she’d felt like she was being pulled in different directions.
The plan seemed like an easy thing on her wedding day. She’d actually sat down to write out a list of ways to be an unappealing wife the night before the wedding, and she’d taken the time to study it before her parents hauled her off to get married. Of course, she’d burned the list so no one would find it. All she’d needed was for one of the servants to show it to her parents. Her parents would blame her for the marriage not working out the way they’d hoped. It was imperative they know it was Benjamin’s idea that she reside in another townhouse.
If only she had hidden the list in her reticule or under the bed when she came here. Then she would remember the other things she’d put on it. Surely, she hadn’t exhausted the ideas she’d painstakingly come up with. She couldn’t have. She had filled the entire parchment out.
Her head ached. She rubbed her temples and took a few deep breaths. She didn’t understand it. Why was this turning out to be such a difficult task?
Well, he doesn’t protest anything you say or do. That doesn’t help matters at all.
It was because he had an unwavering devotion to her.
And what wife wouldn’t want that in a husband? You know he’ll be faithful to you. Even if you went to a ball wearing a potato sack and didn’t bother decorating your hair, he would proudly have you on his arm. You could be barren or only have daughters, and it wouldn’t bother him one bit. With so many husbands only valuing what their wives can give them, isn’t that nice?
She groaned. Slipping her coat on, she marched for the door of her bedchamber. She couldn’t take this constant war raging inside her head. She needed a rest.
At least for one night.
Lilly and Kitty would be at the ball. She’d get to see them. Also, it would be nice to dance. She loved to dance. Dancing always made her feel better, no matter what was going on in her life. She left her bedchamber and headed down the hall.
Benjamin was waiting for her in the drawing room. He didn’t notice her as she approached the doorway. Instead, he was fidgeting in the chair, probably in an attempt to remain seated even though he was anxious to go to the ball.
He had taken great effort in his appearance. She hadn’t seen the clothes he was currently wearing before, but she had to admit they actually complemented him. He didn’t seem so incredibly skinny in them. Also, his hair, though a bit on the disheveled side, was much better than it’d been on their wedding day. There was no helping that large nose of his. That couldn’t be changed. But it didn’t bother her so much tonight. Well, it hadn’t bothered her for some time now. It should, shouldn’t it? She couldn’t recall a time she’d ever found a gentleman with a large nose attractive. But for some reason, it seemed…tolerable…on him.
Her head hurt. If she was smart, she’d tell him she had a headache and go back to her bedchamber.
He turned his head in her direction, and, with a wide smile, he got to his feet and hurried over to her. “Every gentleman at the ball is going to envy me this evening. You’re going to be the most beautiful lady there.” He pressed his hand over his heart. “It is my great fortune to be your husband.” He paused. “I don’t just want to go to the ball because of how attractive you are. I’m happy with everything there is about you. You are the better part of me.”
Now, she really couldn’t go back to her bedchamber. She’d break his heart if she didn’t go out with him this evening. She’d never seen anyone more excited about attending a ball. Even when Lilly had a new gown she wanted to show off, she hadn’t been more excited than this.
The footman announced that the carriage was ready, saving her from having to reply.
“Oh, right, my coat.” Benjamin went over to the chair he had draped his coat on.
As he put it on, she took a deep breath. She could do this. She could make a public appearance with him. It wasn’t going to kill her if people pitied or snickered at her. She would live to see another day.
Benjamin returned. “Going to a ball is so much better now that we’re married. I hated going there by myself.”
Well, she couldn’t blame him for that. Though she had to have a chaperone, she much preferred it when she could also go there with Lilly or Kitty. “I think most people don’t like going somewhere alone.”
“Most may not, but I know gentlemen who are comfortable going somewhere alone. Sometimes I wish I could be more like that.”
“I think we all wish we could be more like that. There are a few ladies who don’t seem to mind being alone, either. They just need chaperones because the rules of society demand it. If they could go to a ball alone, they would.”
“Really? Do you know any of them?”
“Kitty is like that. She’d rather show up to a ball alone and just listen to people talk and watch them dance. But since she’s not married, she has to be with her brother. On occasion, my mother and Lilly’s mother have been her chaperone, but mostly, it’s him.”
And how Kitty hated it when she had to go anywhere with her brother! Given how awful her brother was, Emilia couldn’t blame her. She wondered if Kitty would have to go to the ball with her brother tonight. If nothing else, she needed to go to this ball for her friend’s sake.
Looking thoughtful, Benjamin said, “Perhaps gentlemen and ladies aren’t so different after all.”
“The only gentleman I truly know is my father,” she replied. “All the others have been acquaintances.”
“You know me.”
She blinked in surprise. While that was true, she didn’t consider him to be a normal gentleman. In fact, she didn’t really think of him as a normal person. He was much different from anyone she’d ever met.
Maybe that isn’t a bad thing. So many people in London put on a pretense o
f being something they aren’t. Isn’t it nice to know that Benjamin is exactly as he appears?
Her head ached again, and she winced. She didn’t want to think about any of this tonight. All she wanted to do was have a relaxing evening at the ball with her friends.
“Are you feeling all right?” Benjamin asked. “We can stay here if you’re not feeling well.”
Forcing the ache aside, she slipped her arm around his. “I’ll be fine. It’s been a while since I’ve been to a ball. I miss going there. I like talking to my friends and dancing. It’s a pleasant way to spend an evening.”
He patted the hand that was on his arm, and something strange pulsed through her. She couldn’t make out what it was. All she knew was that it didn’t make her uncomfortable.
“I’ll give you all the time you want to talk to your friends,” he promised. “I only ask for two dances.”
If there was one thing Benjamin could do well, it was dance. In fact, he was better than half of the gentlemen she’d danced with. And she couldn’t help but notice he wasn’t asking her if that was all right with her. He was coming out and telling her what he wanted. That was a refreshing change from how things had been up to now.
“I’ll be happy to have two dances with you,” she replied, thinking the least she could do was encourage him to speak his mind more in the future. If nothing else, it would benefit him as he dealt with other people.
Without another word, she tugged on his arm and led him out of the room.
Chapter Ten
Emilia should have brought a fan. Lord Edon’s ballroom was warmer than most, probably because there were so many people here. It seemed that everyone loved Lord Edon’s balls. Lady Cadwalader and her friends might not come here, but Emilia was sure everyone else was in attendance. Whether Lady Cadwalader believed it or not, Lord Edon was more popular than she was. People were drawn to his balls. And really, it was no wonder. Lord Edon had the best music and refreshments. He spared no expense when he entertained others.
Nobody's Fool (Marriage by Design Book 2) Page 9