Signs of Love

by Skye, Harper

  “It’s okay.”

  “Not to me.” He kissed the top of her head and let his hands wander gently down her back. Ailsa sighed, stretching her body up against him. “We only have a day or two left on this job though. And then I’m all yours.”

  Ailsa pulled away so she could look into his face. “That sounds promising.”

  “What are you going to do today?”

  “Not sure…” Ailsa yawned and rolled onto her back. “I’ve got that new book from Pete so I’ll probably play around with that.”

  “Play something for me tonight?”

  “If you’re very good…” Ailsa arched her eyebrow suggestively, and Zach’s face broke into a wide grin.

  “Baby, I’m always very good.” Rolling out of bed, Ailsa watched as Zach stretched through the muscles in his arms and shoulders, working the sleep out of his body. He pulled on a teeshirt and pair of jeans and walked out towards the kitchen. As soon as he was gone Ailsa rolled over on her back and rubbed her hands over her face. God that man was hot. Just watching him pull his teeshirt over his wide muscular shoulders was enough to make Ailsa’s breath catch. The strength of his hands from working with heavy pieces of wood made the gentle way he touched her even more sensual.

  Slowly Ailsa threw her legs over her side of the bed and shuffled to where her bag sat among a scattered pile of clothes. She folded a few shirts and straightened her piles. “Boiled eggs?” She heard Zach call from the kitchen.

  “Yes please,” she called back, pulling on a light blue shirt and her favorite jeans.

  When she walked into the large open kitchen, Zach looked up from his phone. Steam rose from a pot on the stove and the coffee pot clicked away in the background. Ailsa had taken a few steps towards the other side of the kitchen island before she realized Zach was still watching her. Looking over at him, his brown eyes caught her and she stopped. “What?”

  Zach shook his head. “Nothing.”

  Ailsa moved around the island. When she reached him, she lifted the bottom of his teeshirt and ran her fingers along the bare skin at his waist. Zach made a sound deep in the back of his throat. “You’re not making it easier to leave you today, you know.”

  “I know,” she whispered, narrowing her eyes up at him. She could feel his body twitch beneath her fingers and the longing for him rose up from the depths of her. “That’s the idea…”

  He was laughing softly inside as he bent down to kiss her.

  After he had gone to work, Ailsa found herself standing at the window with her mug of coffee. She still hadn’t told Zach about Pete’s offer at the music shop. She didn’t know how she felt about it yet. Learning to make fiddles and other stringed instruments wasn’t something she’d ever considered before. And yet…Ailsa chewed on her lip, mulling the idea over in her head. Suddenly, she realized she had been staring over at Zach’s workshop and a thought rose up in her mind. I could poke around in there for awhile, Ailsa thought. Look at Zach’s work without him being all nervous and staring at me. Look at what it means to work with wood.

  Ailsa smiled as she stepped down the back steps and walked across the backyard to unlock the workshop, remembering how nervous Zach had been to show her inside. She knew he wouldn’t mind her looking around. He hadn’t minded then. Not really, Ailsa knew. He had reminded her of the way she often felt when people watched her while she played music. In front of strangers, it was always fine. But whenever her family or friends came to watch her, she always felt nervous, as if somehow she might disappoint them.

  Ailsa stepped into the workshop and immediately the smell of wood filled her senses. She ran her fingers slowly over various pieces. First the half-finished chairs, then the long slab of wood that would eventually become a table. She found herself lost in the beautiful patterns of the grain, the swirls and curving lines that complimented the straight edges Zach had cut.

  At the back of the workshop she found the pile of small pieces Zach had called experiments. None of them looked like much in themselves, but she could see the delicacy of this work, the way Zach had tried to bend and curve thinner pieces of wood, places he had experimented with carving certain designs, places where things had gone wrong and he had put the piece of wood aside. And she found herself wondering what it was like to bend and shape such seemingly inflexible material.

  When she emerged out into the open air, Ailsa found her eyes scanning the yard, searching both in anticipation and misguided hope that she would see a bear. But of course the backyard was quiet except for the whispering of the wind through the trees. Ailsa made her way back up to the house, her mind wandering over a less solid terrain of her dreams and the face of the bear she still hadn’t seen. She needed no reminding of why she had come back to Alaska. Although Zach had filled an empty space inside of her, she still had questions and her only hope was that these dreams could give her an answer.

  The bear.

  Her dreams of the bear that stared into the very depths of her were infrequent. But they were so vivid each time that Ailsa didn’t doubt they were more than dreams. They were signs. The bear meant something. Intuition told her this was true. Just like the other times when signs had appeared to guide her. And if there was ever a time Ailsa needed some guidance, it was now.

  Ailsa let her mind wander back over the years before the accident to the time when she had felt these intuitive signs all around her. There had been the time she had been kayaking and had been humming a song about the Selkies when a seal had popped its head out of the water as if the song itself had called it. She had followed it for almost an hour as it swam along the coastline, and Ailsa had somehow known it as a sign. Myths of the Selkies, women who were half human, half seal, were well known in Scotland. But these stories of the Selkies held a deeper meaning about women trying to find a way to be themselves in a world that often didn’t understand them or wanted them to be different than they were. Somehow Ailsa had understood the message for her. Ways she could bring herself into her music and let the truths of her heart find their way out into the world.

  There was another time she had taken to the hills full of confusion about a group of school friends and she had come upon a raven. The black bird had looked at her and called out in its foreboding, gronking voice, and Ailsa had known she had to leave this group of girls that were not real friends for the raven was calling her to let the friendship die.

  Her life had always felt like that. A series of uncanny coincidences that had always led her to the right place. She had ended up in Glasgow for university because although she had already decided to go to Edinburgh, she had found herself one evening at a bar and one of the musicians had played ‘The Bonnie Banks o’ Loch Lomond’ and Ailsa had gotten such a strange sense of deja vu she hadn’t been able to shake the feeling that something wasn’t right. The next day her acceptance letter to Glasgow had arrived, and she had heard a whisper in the wind like the first strains of the song. It must have come from her own mind, but she knew that she should take the place at Glasgow instead and had always felt it had been the right decision. They had come to her unbidden, but always at the right time when she needed a sign, when she felt confusion in her soul and needed clarity.

  But ultimately, the signs had failed her. When it came to the most significant event of her life, the universe had remained utterly silent.

  And since the accident, it seemed to Ailsa that the mysterious connection she felt with the world had pulled away from her. Everything had become flat, mundane. The signs that she used to perceive all around her vanished, and though she searched the lines of her palms for the answer to why it had all come to pass and why she was still here while the others were not…she could never discern an answer.

  But then, the bear had come to her.

  Again and again it walked through her dreams, drawing out that same tingling sense of intuition. As if she should know something. As if somewhere deep down she already knew what it was trying to tell her. But Ailsa felt like she was peering through a pit
ch black room, feeling her way with just her fingers and hesitant footsteps. She didn’t understand. And she had hoped coming back to Alaska, where she had first seen the bear might give her more clues as to what this dream meant and what she was supposed to do next. But there had been no bears at Denali. And though she and Zach had seen bear scat several times in the woods on their walks, the face of her bear remained hidden from her.

  She shifted through her bags and pulled out the book she had found in Glasgow — The Story of the Bear: myths and legends. Lighting a fire in the big stone fireplace, Ailsa settled into her favorite spot on the couch to read.

  In her hurry to find answers, Ailsa had skipped the chapter on shamanism when she had first read the book. However as she settled into the couch and opened the book a line from the first chapter caught her attention. Shamanism in its very essence is an ancient practice of mind-body healing. Although, she read, the particularities of shamanist practices varied from culture to culture, there was an underlying essence that ran through practices as geographically distant as Mongolia and Peru.

  The emphasis on searching for spiritual connection within the natural world resonated in her heart, and her tea grew cold as she lost herself in her book. These were practices and traditions she could not claim. And yet it was comforting to read about other cultures who had known these truths Ailsa also felt deep inside herself — that humans are connected to a vast tapestry of life that extends to every part of the natural world, that there are mysterious processes of the universe that often remain hidden from view.

  And then she saw it. And her blood ran cold.

  When a person suffers trauma, a part of their spirit goes off. Flees for protection or is forcibly separated from the person. This part of a person’s spirit can get stuck in other worlds, making them feel sick, numb, not whole. This is a sickness of the soul, and shamans believe the path to healing requires this part of a person’s spirit to be retrieved. Only then can this person truly be well.

  “Ailsa?”

  “I’m out here…” Ailsa closed her book and managed to take a deep breath before Zach came through the hallway into the living room.

  “Hey.”

  Ailsa swallowed the knot in her throat and smiled back at him. Striding over to where she sat on the couch, Zach bent down and pressed his mouth against her temple.

  “How was your day?” He stroked the side of her face with his knuckles.

  “Good,” Ailsa nodded truthfully. She had spent several hours playing her fiddle, and even though the words from the book had shaken her, the emotions churning inside her were also mixed with hope. So far no one had been able to help her. But maybe this alternative description of what had happened to her would help. Maybe she needed to think about it in a new way.

  “How was work?” She asked, pulling a finger across his dusty cheek.

  “Always good,” Zach smiled. “Sorry I’m late though. My friend Nuniq called me just as I was finishing up this job today. He was worried about a structural issue with one of the tribal council buildings, and usually these things can wait a day, but it was the patient hostel so I went straight over.”

  “What’s a patient hostel?” Ailsa asked, standing up and following Zach into the kitchen.

  “It’s a place for patients and elderly members of their tribe to stay when they come into Fairbanks from rural areas for medical treatment.”

  “That’s what you meant that day in the woods,” Ailsa murmured aloud, “by supporting native Alaskans with your two hands.”

  He paused and turned to her. “That’s what I meant. Giving back a bit of my time and labor is pretty much the least I can do,” he nodded. “You can be assured, Ailsa, there aren’t many things more important to me than getting home to you…” He winked at her and the way he held her with his warm brown eyes and his solid presence made Ailsa relax. It seemed surprisingly easy to shove her darker thoughts aside when she was with Zach. He made her feel at home in a way she hadn’t for years.

  “I’m going to start dinner, I’m starving!” Zach said, turning back to the kitchen. The bright overhead lights shone against his face that was smudged with dust and his light brown hair hair that looked as if he’d run a hand of sawdust through it — which he probably had, Ailsa thought.

  “Let me do it,” Ailsa wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him away from the counter.

  “It’s okay,” Zach protested, taking a gulp of water. “Weather’s looking strange out there. May be a late storm coming in.” He shrugged.

  “You’re tired. I’ve just been reading all day. Let me make dinner tonight.”

  He smelled of sweat and wood and hard work. “You go take a shower,” Ailsa said, pushing him towards the bedroom.

  “What are you saying?” Zach laughed, taking a last drink of water.

  “I’m saying you stink. Go shower.” Ailsa responded, smiling wickedly at him. She would never admit to him how sexy he was after he came home from a carpentry job, the muscles of his arms and forearms standing out against his skin with fatigue, his shirt smelling like a man from the way his body had been worked.

  It had been like that for over two months now. So easy, Ailsa thought. And as she watched him walk out of the room she wondered again about the way Seb had said “anything’s possible”. Maybe I can really get better, Ailsa thought. Maybe I can really heal from the past and move on with my life.

  Was it that single thought which had caused the dream to come? Or was it simply that she had let her guard down, and it had seen its chance to devastate her in a way unparalleled?

  Chapter 25

  Ailsa blinked. There was darkness all around. She could feel the hum of the car engine even through the back seat of the car. It was soft, gentle. Lulling her to sleep. She felt so tired, but happy as well.

  “Hey Ailsa don’t fall asleep!” A voice floated into her mind, and Ailsa turned to see Caitriona smiling over at her. What was she doing here? Caitriona laughed, and Ailsa thought how nice it was to see her. It had been so long!

  But wait. Her mind jarred suddenly. She was missing something. Something was wrong. Why hadn’t she seen Caitriona in so long? Caitriona was her best friend. They had lived together since they met in halls during their first year of university. She saw Caitriona all the time.

  But no, Ailsa thought. No, I haven’t seen her in ages. She looked over at Caitriona’s face. It was hard to make out in the dark car. But it was definitely her, and seeing her friend’s face, Ailsa felt a sudden sadness as if she desperately missed her.

  Although that didn’t make sense, since she was sitting right next to her in the car.

  They had been together all day, hiking in Glen Coe and they were just on their way back to Glasgow. Ailsa couldn’t understand why there was this feeling in the pit of her stomach. Like this was all wrong. Something was all wrong.

  And then suddenly there was a flash and Ailsa remembered. She had done this before. She had been in this car, on this road in the dark, after this hiking trip, before. There would be bright lights coming at them and then…Ailsa opened her mouth to yell up to Jon when she saw something looming in the middle of the road.

  Ailsa had expected to see a car. She had expected headlights. This was the way the dream always went. But this time was different.

  In the middle of the road was an enormous bear. It stood up as the car hurdled towards it, and Ailsa caught the look of its black eyes a split second before impact. Its beautiful face looking curiously at her, its eyes full of a knowing she could not fathom.

  And then the crash. Just as before. Always the crash. And the terrible, eternal rolling of the car and the echoing screams that could have been hers. Must have been hers.

  And then there was silence again, and Ailsa began struggling to free herself from the seatbelt. Her hair was tangled in her face and something had trapped her arm. “Cait!” She screamed. “Jon!” “Fraser!”

  She knew she shouldn’t look. She knew what she would see when she looked
over at Caitriona. But just like before. Just like every time — she looked. And she saw Caitriona’s loose neck dangling at a strange angle as they hung upside down.

  “Jon!” “Fraser” she screamed again. Straining through the darkness she reached out and touched a man’s hair. And then she saw his face, and it was not Jon or Fraser.

  It was Zach.

  And he was dead.

  Ailsa screamed.

  “Ailsa!”

  She was screaming with her whole body. Screaming and sobbing. No no no! It couldn’t be him. Not him. It wasn’t. That’s not how it had happened. What the fuck was happening?!

  “Ailsa!” She could feel someone grabbing her as she rocked in her seat sobbing.

  “Ailsa. I’m here. Ailsa. Wake up.”

  Ailsa blinked and found herself clutching the blanket against her face. It felt as if her heart was going to break through her fragile chest. She was glass. She was breaking apart. And sobbing wasn’t nearly enough to let the pain out.

  “Ailsa. I’m here.” Zach’s voice broke through the fog of her dream.

  “Zach?” Her voice sounded strange. It wasn’t her voice at all. It sounded sharp and ragged like broken glass. Like something that had fallen and shattered.

  “I’m here. Love, I’m here. You’re okay.” His arms were around her, holding her against him as the sobs racked her body. She tried to speak, but she was crying too hard to make any words come out.

  There was a huge part of her that was so relieved to be released from the nightmare and find herself in his arms, to find that Zach wasn’t dead after all. To find the logic that of course he hadn’t been in that car with her so many years ago.

  But there was an old part of her that had been woken by this dream so many times over so many years, and it reared up against the comfort of him. It would take care of her. It was the only thing that could.