Signs of Love

by Skye, Harper

  “No.” She struggled out of his arms, almost falling as she got out of the bed.

  She had to keep hold of that strength. That iron strength that would keep her from shattering apart. That wall that held her up on the outside while she crumbled on the inside.

  “Ailsa, let me take care of you!” Zach was out of bed, trying to pull himself out of sleep so he could respond to this unexpected situation.

  “No. I can’t…” Ailsa was stumbling towards the bathroom door. Zach tried to reach out for her, but she pushed him off. “No, no…” She threw herself through the bathroom door and slammed it shut, pulling the lock across the door.

  “Ailsa!” Zach was almost shouting at her now. Ailsa let her body shake with sobs. She was grabbing for air, pulling each breath like a knife down her throat. It wasn’t there. She couldn’t breathe.

  Ailsa sank to her knees on the tile floor of the bathroom, the sobs pouring out of her like a flood. She looked down at her hands through the blurring of her tears. They were shaking. She was shaking so much she couldn’t even make out the life lines down the palms of her hands.

  “Ailsa, please love, let me in.” Zach’s voice pressed against her through the wooden door. She could feel the vibrations as the palm of his hand pounded a few times against the solid door. But she couldn’t answer him.

  “Ailsa you need to let me know you’re okay or I’m going to break this door down!” Zach called out to her, his voice serious. She had scared him, Ailsa knew. She could hear the adrenaline flowing as his voice strained to keep calm. But what could she do? She was terrified herself.

  “I’m okay,” she choked out. “I need to be alone.”

  “I’m going to be right out here,” Zach’s voice came through the door. He was helpless. She knew it must be hard. Others had tried to help her before. But she knew no one could help her. She had been a fool to think otherwise. No one could take away the past, or the dreams, or the feeling Ailsa held in her heart that she shouldn’t really be alive. She shouldn’t have survived the crash when all her friends had died.

  Slowly she got to her feet and shuffled carefully over to turn on the shower, trying to block out the noise. She was still crying, but it was a silent shaking cry now. A river of tears continued to fall from her eyes, and a trembling took over her whole body as if an earthquake was tearing her part.

  A shower would help. It would pull her back into her skin. Out of the dream world and into this world. She needed to get out of the dream. Out of that memory of the worst kind of dream. It was a dream that wasn’t a dream at all. It had once been real.

  And why had the dream been so different this time? Ailsa’s arms shook as she tried to lift the shirt over her head and step into the shower. The steam immediately surrounded her, and she stood for a minute drowning in it, letting the water hit the top of her head and stream down her face and down her empty body and down the drain. Maybe if she stood there long enough she would wash down the drain too. And then all of this shit would stop. All of the pain and the dreams and the terror and the guilt and the pit of sadness that went down and down and down. Maybe it would all just stop.

  The vision of the bear wavered in Ailsa’s mind. Then she remembered the look of its face as the car’s headlights shone on its dark fur. The way it had stood and looked straight at her as the car crashed into it. Ailsa didn’t understand. What did it mean? Fuck! What did any of it mean? And why did she never understand?

  Chapter 26

  Ailsa blinked and realized she was still sitting on the floor of the shower. The water was still pouring down on her. She had no idea how long she had been in there, but her fingertips were wrinkled enough for her to guess it had been a long time. Slowly she stood up. The shaking had stopped, and Ailsa reached out and turned the shower off. She was moving slowly now. Numbly. The sound of Zach shifting on the bed seemed to come from a long way off.

  She used a towel to dry herself and then pulled her shirt back over her head. Her long hair immediately soaked the back of it. But what did it matter? She could barely connect with the cold feeling of it. She could barely feel anything now.

  I’ve got to get out of here, Ailsa thought to herself. I’ve got to get some distance from this place. It hurts too damn much to be here. I was a fool to think it would ever be different.

  When she opened the bathroom door, she caught a brief glimpse of Zach sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. As soon as he heard the door open, he was up, stepping towards her. Ailsa held up her hand.

  “Don’t. I’m okay. Just…don’t.” Her voice was flat and empty. She barely had the energy to hold him off, much less explain.

  “You’re not okay,” Zach said, stepping as close as she would let him get.

  “Don’t tell me what I am!” Ailsa turned on him with unexpected fury. A sudden energy surged through her. Thank god, a voice came into Ailsa’s head. I’m going to need some energy to get out of here.

  She moved with steady determination to where her bag and scattered clothes lay in a pile on the floor. She knelt down and began shoving her clothes in.

  “What are you doing?” Zach was beside her, hand grazing her shoulder. Ailsa shrugged him off. She didn’t want to hurt him. But she had to get out of here. It was the only way. She needed to be alone. Get some space. Figure out why this fucking bear was haunting her dreams. Why the car had crashed into her bear. Why this time the whole dream had been so different.

  This was no coincidence. Her dream had killed the bear. Whatever that meant. Whatever the bear was trying to tell her, it was pretty clear she was running out of time. It wasn’t ever about Zach, Ailsa lied to herself. It was about the bear. About finding out what it’s trying to tell me. It’s about the accident and about why I’m still alive and what I’m supposed to do. I was the only one to survive. With only a scratch when all the others were killed… Why? Why? Why me? Am I supposed to do something with my life? Did I survive for a reason? If so, the only clue I have is the bear…

  “Ailsa…”

  “I’ve got to get out of here!” She said, shaking her head. She stood and strode into the hall to grab her fiddle case. Seconds later she was back, bag in one hand, fiddle in the other. Everything she needed to survive.

  “It’s not you. I’m just…” She was already shoving her feet into her boots.

  “Ailsa this is crazy. I’m not letting you leave like this.” Zach was trying to sound determined but Ailsa knew there was nothing he was really going to do to stop her.

  “You can’t help me, Zach. I’m broken. I’ve been broken for too long now.” She couldn’t even look at him. She knew if she did it would truly break her.

  “Just stop for a minute.”

  “Stop trying to fucking help me!” Ailsa yelled. “I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you. I shouldn’t even be here.” He wouldn’t understand what she meant, Ailsa knew. He wouldn’t understand she didn’t just mean here in his cabin or here in Alaska. She meant here in this life.

  Zach was behind her, the storm of his energy meeting hers. But he couldn’t help her. Others had tried. Everyone had failed. Ailsa jerked open the door.

  The cold hit her square in the face.

  And then Ailsa noticed that everything was white. The wind swirled with snow. Her truck was completely covered and the dirt track had disappeared from view. The whole world was white.

  “Ailsa there’s a snow storm,” Zach’s voice broke into her dark mind. “It started last night. You can’t drive in this…”

  He stopped short when she started to scream. It was as if something unknown and terrifying rose out of her. Like a great beast that had been living in the depths of her soul. Raw and angry she dropped her bags and stormed out into the snow. She screamed and her voice pierced the air high and raw and full of pain.

  “Fuck!” She screamed again, feeling the wind freezing her wet hair. How could she get out of here! She couldn’t. She was trapped here. With this pain. Trapped here. With all this horribl
e, intolerable, immense, crushing pain.

  Ailsa spun on her heels looking across from her truck to Zach’s. Both equally buried in snow. It was the snow. The fucking snow that looked so beautiful but was actually trapping her here.

  “Fuuuuuckkkkkk!” She picked up a handful of snow in her bare fist. The heat from her hand melted the edges as she squeezed her rage into it until it had made a ball in her palms. Rage poured through her as she threw the snowball at her truck. It made a thumping sound against the door and exploded back into a thousand snowflakes. Her hand stung from the cold of it. But it felt good. All the anger and fear and unfairness surged through her unchecked. This fucking snow, she thought. Trapping me here. Keeping me in this world of pain.

  “Fucking shiiiiiiite.” She picked up another handful and threw it at the truck. And then another. And another.

  She was crying again. Crying and screaming until her throat felt raw and her hands burned with cold and the forest echoed with her pain. She could barely breathe. The scream didn’t come from her breath. She could barely breathe. She was disappearing into the blackness.

  The silence of the white snow-filled world closed in around her, absorbing her screams in the depths of the forest. She looked down at her hands that were burning red with cold and let the snow she was holding fall onto the toe of her boot. Bending over she grabbed her knees for support. She was sobbing now so hard, her breath was coming in gasps.

  Zach had been standing at a distance, but as soon as he saw her bend over he rushed forward. In a second his arms were around her, holding her up. She felt her knees almost collapse underneath her, but he was holding her now, folding her into him. “I’ve got you.” His voice was quiet. Gentle. The way she imagined he would speak to a child or a hurt animal.

  “I can’t…” She sobbed against him. “It hurts. It hurts too much.”

  “I know.” He was picking her up now, her legs swung over his forearm, his other arm scooped her back. He carried her all the way to the couch, kicking the door shut behind him. He didn’t bother with his boots or her wet clothes. He simply sat down with her on his lap, pulling a blanket off the back of the couch to cover her. She had stopped crying, but her breath still came in unsteady bursts and shudders.

  He didn’t say anything else. He didn’t tell her she would be okay. He didn’t ask her to explain. He just sat, stroking her hair and warming her with his body, holding her frozen hands in his wide palms until the burning had stopped and they became warm.

  The morning light had come in all around them through an opening in the heavy clouds, and Ailsa’s mind drifted, lulled by the steady beat of Zach’s heart against her ear and the warm heat of his body beneath her. It felt as if all the energy had drained out of her body. And some of the terrible darkness too. Ailsa listened to the steady beat of Zach’s heart and the gentle rhythm of his breath and gradually her own breath began to slow and eventually to match his.

  Finally she stirred and took a deeper breath. Zach shifted under her in response. Ailsa moved off his lap and onto the couch next to him. “What can I get you?” Zach’s voice was gentle though his eyes were still stained with worry.

  “I was in an accident,” Ailsa said.

  “You don’t have to…” Zach began.

  “No, I need to tell you.” Ailsa sighed. She felt so weary. So fucking weary of holding this horrible thing that had happened. The horrible thing no sign had warned her would happen.

  “I was in a car accident. And everyone else died. And I didn’t. I was barely even hurt.” She took another breath. Ailsa could feel him watching her, waiting. And she was also waiting for what he would say at the end.

  “We had been hiking in the mountains in this place called Glen Coe. We got back to our car later than we’d expected and we were driving back to Glasgow. No one knows what happened. They said maybe Jon nodded off for a split second. Or…I don’t know. Basically it was a head-on collision on this lonely stretch of road. It doesn’t make any sense. But I’ll never know more than that. And they all died. But I walked away with a tiny cut on my shoulder and some bruises on my arm.”

  She could feel the tears beginning to fall from her eyes. One by one. She couldn’t believe she had any tears left. “They were my best friends. Caitriona and Jon and Fraser. We used to go hiking and camping all the time together. And then they were all dead and I was still alive. For no reason. And I don’t know why. I’ll never know why I got to walk away. I got a second chance. And they didn’t.”

  “Ailsa…” his voice was full of sadness for her. And she waited for him to tell her all the things people always told her. That it wasn’t her fault. That she was lucky to be alive. That her friends would have wanted her to move on, live her life to the fullest. As if anybody fucking knew what Cait or Jon or Fraser would have wanted her to do.

  But he didn’t say any of these things.

  He simply looked at her, seeing her in her despair. And in some strange way, Ailsa felt a deep strength in that look. A strength and solidity in this ability to witness suffering and not try to fix it or pretend that he could make it better for her. He looked at her with his warm brown eyes, and he did not look away from her tear-stained face. And he did not insult her with false comfort.

  Ailsa looked back at him sitting there, her blue eyes dark with sorrow, and it was as if they had been standing on opposite sides of a piece of glass. And Ailsa watched the glass break and fall to the ground. And then there was just the two of them. Looking at each other in this truth. And Ailsa realized she could touch him again.

  With an overwhelming wave of relief, Ailsa let her head fall into him, and she found she was clinging to him and though his arms wrapped around her, he couldn’t hold her tight enough.

  “I’m going to take you back to bed,” Zach told her, lifting her off him and helping her to stand. Ailsa nodded and let him lead her back down the hall.

  “Get a dry shirt out of my drawer,” he instructed once they had reached the bedroom. “I’m just going to grab your bag. It’s still outside in the snow.” He was gone for a moment, and Ailsa pulled a large white teeshirt from the open drawer and peeled the wet shirt off her back. His shirt was huge on her and fell down to her thighs. Carefully she crawled back into bed and pulled the covers up around her. A moment later Zach was back, thumping her bag down in the hallway and closing the front door. He crawled into bed next to her, and Ailsa snuggled gratefully into the side of his eternally warm body.

  “Did you get my fiddle?” She murmured, her head was foggy with an intense exhaustion.

  “Of course.” Zach ran a hand over her head.

  “You must think I’m insane.”

  She felt Zach shake his head. “I don’t. You know, one time I was walking through the woods up north and we came across a bear caught in a trap. It was probably one of the worst things I’ve seen…apart from today,” he added, kissing her forehead.

  “You’ve just been trapped in a terrible hurt and you’re doing what any wild creature does. Trying to run. Trying to escape. Trying to fight.” He was saying these things but his voice was soothing. His hand ran slowly up and down her back.

  That’s exactly what it feels like, Ailsa thought to herself as her mind numbed into a kind of half-sleep. Like I’m caught in a bear trap of endless pain.

  “I’m here,” he was saying to her, slowly, rhythmically. “Just sleep for a bit now. I’m here.”

  Chapter 27

  When Ailsa opened her eyes again she could see the sun pouring in through the edges of the dark window blinds. It was late morning. The weariness in her body reminded her of the storm that had ravaged through her. But she had slept. And she had not dreamed. And she felt immensely better for it.

  Gently she eased out of the crook of Zach’s arm and tiptoed to the bathroom. Her face was paler than usual and her light blue eyes were rimmed with red. Ailsa picked up her hairbrush and began pulling it through the wild tangles of her hair. This was going to take awhile. Slowly she wandered dow
n the hall to the kitchen, still pulling the teeth of the brush through the light brown waves that fell across her chest and reached towards her waist. She would make herself a cup of tea and try to collect herself. Try to figure out what was left.

  Suddenly, Ailsa saw something move outside the window. A black shape meandering through the white. Her head jerked towards the window and for a split second she couldn’t believe what she saw.

  It was a bear.

  The black bear wandered through the layer of spring snow that was already beginning to melt in the late morning sun. Her nose was to the ground, snuffling, looking for young shoots to munch. Ailsa watched in amazement as the bear wandered around the yard, oblivious to her presence. And then suddenly, as if the intensity of Ailsa’s gaze finally registered, the bear looked up towards the cabin, towards the window where Ailsa stood pressing her face almost against the pane of glass.

  Slowly, the bear rose onto its hind legs. It’s face was black, the graceful slant of its snout running down into light brown fur. Its eyes were also rimmed in light brown, giving the bear a friendly, curious expression. Ailsa could feel something move in her chest and a powerful feeling of connection and awe rose up inside her. She stood, locked in the bear’s gaze, barely breathing. The bear stood looking at her for a long drawn-out moment. And then without warning it fell back onto its forepaws and began snuffling around in the light snow again, as if completely unconcerned by her presence, as if it had returned from the world of humans to the wild that was its home.

  “Ailsa…” She heard Zach suddenly stirring in the back room. “Ailsa…” His voice rose with concern and a second later his feet were pounding down the hallway.

  “I’m here.” Ailsa called just as Zach reached the edge of the room and caught sight of her.

  “Thank god,” his hand slammed against his chest as if he had been running a much farther distance. “I thought…”

  “Come here…” Ailsa beckoned to him, reaching out her hand. He moved towards her, his hair still tousled and sticking up from sleep, his bare feet stepping across the wooden kitchen floor. He was still in the teeshirt and the loose plaid trousers he had slept in, and when he stepped against Ailsa, she could smell him warm and still full of the smell of sleep.