If There's No Tomorrow

by Jennifer L. Armentrout

  “I’ve got almost an hour between when school ends and practice begins.” Sebastian didn’t question the whole volleyball thing. And Coach was probably expecting me on Tuesday, but that wasn’t going to happen. “I have time to get you home. I want to do it,” he added, voice lower. “And why wouldn’t I? If this was the other way around, you’d insist on driving me.”

  He was right, but it would never be the other way around, because he wasn’t as stupid as me. Arguing over this was dumb, though. He lived next door. He was still, no matter what, my...my best friend. Though maybe not once he knew about the part I played in the accident.

  He did that thing that drove me crazy: biting his lower lip and then letting it go slowly. “There’s something we need to talk about.”

  “Is there?” I was staring at his mouth, thinking about how his lips had felt against mine.

  His head tilted to the side. “There are a lot of things we need to talk about.”

  Yeah.

  Things I was sure I didn’t want to delve into.

  Pulling away, I carefully leaned back in the chair. “I’m getting tired and I—”

  “Don’t do it,” he demanded softly. “Don’t shut me out.”

  My heart dropped. “I’m not shutting you out.”

  “Yes. You’re shutting Abbi and Dary out, and the only reason you haven’t completely shut me out is because I’m not letting you.”

  “You’re kind of annoying,” I admitted in a mutter.

  He dropped his feet onto the floor and placed his bottle by his chair. “I have to say something to you. You don’t have to respond. You don’t have to tell me anything. All you need to do is listen while I clear something up.”

  “I’m going to be honest right now,” I said, facing him. “I have no idea where you’re going with this.”

  A lopsided smile appeared. “You will in a few moments.”

  I waited.

  His gaze locked on mine. “When did we meet? At six? Seven?”

  “Eight,” I answered, wondering what that had to do with anything. “We moved into this house when I was eight, and you were outside, in the backyard throwing a football with your dad.”

  “Yeah, that’s right.” His lips curved up at the corner. “You were out on this balcony watching me.”

  I gaped at him. “You saw that?” We’d never talked about that. Why would we? So I never knew he saw me. It had been the next day when he came over, asking if I wanted to ride bikes with him.

  “I saw you.” He reached over, tapping his finger off my arm. “I also heard your dad telling you to get your butt back in the house and start unpacking. I think you responded by telling him unpacking boxes violated child labor laws.”

  I couldn’t fight the grin. “I might’ve said something like that.”

  “That’s when I fell in love with you.”

  Jerking slightly, I blinked once and then twice. “Wh-what?”

  His lashes swept down, shielding his eyes in the dim overhead light that was just a bare bulb going bad. “I was caught off guard when you kissed me at the lake.”

  My eyes widened. What was happening right now?

  “I didn’t regret it. I didn’t dislike it. I just never thought you were...you were into me like that.” He laughed again, but this time it was self-conscious, unsure. “Well, that’s a lie. Sometimes I wondered. I wish I hadn’t freaked out afterward. I wish I kissed you back. I wish... I wish I kissed you at the pool.” His shoulders rose and his gaze lifted. “Because I’d been wanting to do that for a while now.”

  “What?” I repeated dumbly.

  Sebastian didn’t look away. “I don’t know when it happened—when I started seeing you, really seeing you. Actually, you know what? That’s a bald-faced lie. I do know. I fell in love with you the moment I heard you say something ridiculous to your dad. I just didn’t know what that meant—what I was feeling. And it took years for me to figure out what I was feeling meant. It wasn’t until you started seeing Andre. That’s how I figured it out. I was... Damn, I was not happy. I didn’t like him. Thought you could do better. Didn’t appreciate how he was always touching you.”

  All I could do was stare at him.

  “I fooled myself for a long time. I told myself that I was being so hard on him because you’re my best friend. But it wasn’t just that. Whenever I’d see him kissing you, I wanted to lay him out cold. When I saw that he was at your house, I wanted to interrupt. Make sure you had no time alone.” He laughed once more. “Actually, I did that quite a bit.”

  Sebastian had done that. Many, many times he’d come right through the balcony door unannounced, and sometimes it had been so, so awkward. Andre used to get so mad, especially when Sebastian would plop his butt right down on the bed and not leave.

  “But when you broke up with him, it wasn’t just relief I felt. Hell no. I was happy. When I heard you and Abbi out here talking about breaking up with him, I remember thinking, ‘Now’s my chance.’”

  Everything in me stilled. Everything. “But...but you were with Skylar—”

  “It’s why I broke up with her. She was right about me caring more about my friends than her, but it wasn’t the way she thought. It was because I cared more about you,” he said. “I thought about you the way I should’ve been thinking about her.”

  My lips parted.

  “But I never believed for a second you felt the same way. I didn’t want to risk ruining our friendship.” Sebastian leaned close again, his head not very far from mine. “When you kissed me, I... Hell, I panicked. Kind of feel like a coward now. I should’ve said something to you. I can’t go back and change that, but I want you to know that I didn’t regret it. I regret not being the one to do it.”

  Sebastian took in a deep breath. “I wanted to talk to you about this that night. That’s why I said I needed to talk to you. And looking back, I should’ve told Skylar she could wait. God, I wish more than anything I’d done that, because...because I don’t think you’d have been in that car. Who knows what would’ve happened? But I like you, Lena. You know that.” There was that self-conscious laugh again. “I... Well, I really like you and I wish I had kissed you by that pool. I wish I’d told you how—” he cleared his throat “—how badly I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time. How I don’t look at you as just one of my friends.”

  Was this a dream? It had to be, because this felt like one. These were the words I’d lived for what felt like forever waiting to hear.

  “I think... I think I know how you feel, but I don’t expect you to say anything right now,” he said, his eyes finding mine again and searching intently. “I just needed you to know.”

  I stared at him, unable to fully process what he was saying.

  I mean, I got it. I did. He was telling me that he’d wanted to kiss me. Had been wanting to. That he liked me liked me. And had for a while. I was shocked, stunned into silence. I’d hit the jackpot of fantasies coming true, but now? Now? When I was so undeserving of having what I so badly wanted handed to me on a silver platter? Now, when one of my best friends was dead, and three more friends along with her, because I...I didn’t stop them?

  I shook my head. “Why...why now? Why would you—” My voice cracked. “Why would you wait until after that, after everything that happened, to tell me this?”

  “I shouldn’t have waited.”

  “But now is, like, the worst timing in the history of timing.” I lowered my feet to the floor and stood, having to put space between us. The abrupt movement caused pain to lance across my ribs. “Really bad timing, Sebastian.”

  “Or it’s the best timing,” he fired back, watching me walk around the chair. “And you know what? Waiting is too risky. There’s no bad time to tell someone you love them.”

  Sebastian loved me. Like loved me loved me? There was no way. This wasn’t happening now. Not when it should’ve happened before.

  I started backing up toward my door as he rose and followed. My back pressed against the door. I r
eached behind me but froze as he stalked around the chair.

  Stopping in front of me, he planted a hand on the space beside my head. “The only better time to have told you this was the moment I realized I felt this way,” he said, lowering his head to mine. My heart turned into a jackhammer. “I’ve had a million moments since then.”

  “I can’t even process this right now.” My voice was thick, my eyes wide as I stared up at him.

  “You don’t have to. I just needed to get it out there.” Sebastian leaned over, pressing his mouth to my temple. My heart thundered as I closed my eyes. “What does waiting do? None of us are promised a tomorrow. We learned that, didn’t we? We don’t always get a later.” He kissed my temple again, then pulled back, his eyes finding mine. “I’m done living like we do.”

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Normally I would’ve been on the phone with my friends immediately. The conversation with Sebastian was a five-alarm-fire-level emergency that I needed to hash out until I was just repeating myself over and over again, talking in circles.

  But things weren’t normal anymore.

  I wanted to call Abbi and Dary. I’d almost done it Sunday morning, but as I’d stared at my phone until my vision blurred, I couldn’t get up the nerve to do so. It didn’t feel like something I should do. I seriously doubted they wanted to hear about my boy drama, or whatever it was that had gone down with Sebastian.

  Sitting on my bed Monday night, nibbling on my fingernail like it was dinnertime, I had other things on my mind.

  I’d been cleared to return to school tomorrow. There was no fighting it, even though I knew if I told my mom I wasn’t ready, she would contact the school. But that would mean she’d call off work. There was no way she was going to leave me home alone right now, and Lori was back at Radford. That did leave my father, wherever he was, but she knew I wouldn’t be okay with that. Her boss was being amazing with all of this, but I didn’t want to put her job in jeopardy. So I would be going to school tomorrow. I would be seeing everyone. There was no more hiding.

  Sebastian would drive me tomorrow morning and, oh God, I didn’t want to think about him, because when I did, I thought about what he’d said Saturday night.

  That’s when I fell in love with you.

  My heart skipped a beat.

  I can’t think about that. I tried to push what Sebastian said aside, but that was as successful as walking down the stairs with my ankles tied together. A shiver curled down my spine. I turned to stare at the world map above my desk. Several years ago, I’d taken a blue marker and circled all the places I wanted to visit one day. Sebastian had grabbed a red marker and joined in. A lot of the places were the same. We were thirteen or fourteen when we did that.

  He’d been in love with me this whole time?

  I squeezed my eyes shut and, for a few seconds, just for a couple of heartbeats, let those words he’d spoken seep through my skin, invade my muscles and tattoo my bones. My right hand curled against the center of my chest and my stomach dipped like I was on a roller coaster. In those seconds, I envisioned what it was supposed to be—what my life was supposed to be like.

  Sebastian would tell me he loved me. We’d kiss, this time deeper and stronger than before. I’d kiss him back, and maybe we’d get caught up in the moment. Maybe things would go further, and it would be glorious and perfect. We’d go out on dates. Hold hands at school. Travel to parties together. Everyone would smile and whisper “About time” to one another. We wouldn’t be able to keep our hands off one another and—

  Reaching up, I swept my hand under my eyes, wiping away the wetness gathering on my cheeks. I scooted to the end of my bed and placed my feet on the floor. A few seconds passed and then I opened my eyes and stood. A sharp stab of pain shot out across my rib cage, snapping me back to reality. I drew in a shuddering breath.

  Guilt settled heavily in my chest.

  How could I even think about this kind of stuff? It felt so, I don’t know, self-absorbed. Wrong. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel, how I was supposed to move on from this point, but I knew I didn’t deserve something good like this.

  Not now.

  Maybe a hundred tomorrows from now.

  But not now.

  * * *

  “Are you sure you’re ready to do this today?”

  I looked up from the kitchen table, brushing the crumbs from my Pop-Tart off the tips of my fingers. I hadn’t been hungry but had forced myself to eat. The sugary breakfast coated my throat like sawdust. “Yeah.”

  Mom stood by the sink, dressed for work in a light blue blouse and black slacks. Everything about her was well manicured on the surface, but her eyes were weary. “If for whatever reason you start to feel ill or worn-out, you call me immediately. I will come and get you.”

  “I’m going to be fine.” I stood, crumpled up the paper towel and tossed it in the trash. “Don’t spend all day worrying about me.”

  “I’m your mom. It’s kind of my job to do so.”

  A faint smile formed on my lips. “But I’m going to be okay. The doctor said I was healing and he doesn’t expect there to be a problem.”

  “I know. I was there. But he also warned that up to fifty percent of people who’ve suffered a collapsed lung can have a reoccurrence.”

  “Mom.” I sighed, but before I could say anything else, there was a knock on the front door. A second later, we heard it open. Heart thumping heavily, I turned toward the entryway.

  “Hey,” Sebastian called out. “It’s me.”

  Mom smiled like the sun had just entered the house. Footsteps neared the kitchen and then Sebastian was standing in the doorway, hair damp and the worn cotton shirt clinging to his broad shoulders.

  He looked good, really nice.

  I smoothed my hands across my jeans, suddenly nervous for reasons that had nothing to do with going to school. Sebastian had come over on Sunday and hadn’t mentioned the conversation we had Saturday night, but it was there when he looked at me, in every brush of his hand or press of his leg against mine.

  “Mornin’,” he said, striding into the kitchen. “You about ready?”

  Nodding, I told myself to pull it together.

  “I want you to do me a favor,” Mom said as he walked over to where I stood somewhat petrified in front of the sink. “Keep an eye on Lena.”

  “Mom,” I groaned this time.

  She ignored me. “I don’t want her overtaxing herself. This is going to be a long day for her.”

  My eyes widened slightly as he draped his arm over my shoulders. The weight was minimal and he’d done it a million times before, but I shivered in response.

  Sebastian felt it. I knew he did, because that half grin formed as he looked down at me. “Don’t worry, Ms. Wise. My eyes will be glued to her.”

  Oh dear.

  The urge to lean into Sebastian, to press my cheek to his chest, was hard to resist, but I stepped out from him and picked up my backpack. Slinging it on my shoulder did not feel good, and I needed to remember that next time. “We better get going so we’re not late.”

  “The world is your oyster.” Sebastian grabbed the armful of books that I would need to stash in my locker.

  Mom followed us out the front door, stopping me before I went down the steps. She clasped my cheeks. “I love you,” she whispered fervently. “Today is going to be a long day.” Her eyes searched mine. “For a lot of reasons.”

  “I know.” That burning knot of hysterical tears was back.

  Slipping her hands off my cheeks, she turned and looked up at Sebastian. “I’m handing her over to you.”

  Handing me over? I made a face, but neither of them saw me.

  “I got her,” he promised, and there was a heavy meaning to those words, as if he was staking some sort of claim, accepting unspoken responsibility.

  “Thank you,” Mom said, patting his shoulder.

  I barely stopped myself from rolling my eyes as I hit the walkway. “We should get going,” I reit
erated.

  Chuckling under his breath, Sebastian came down the steps to join me. I waved goodbye to Mom and started across the driveway, through the tall hedges, toward Sebastian’s house.

  “You know,” I said, shifting the bag on my shoulder, “you don’t ‘got’ me, whatever that means.”

  Sebastian’s long-legged pace put him in front of me. “Yeah, I do.” He transferred his load to his other arm, opened the Jeep’s back door and placed the books inside. “I’ve had you for longer than I realized.”

  My lips pursed as I glared at him. “I don’t even know what to say to that.”

  “You don’t have to say anything.” His fingers slipped under the strap of my bag. I sucked in a soft breath as he lifted it off my shoulder. “You look good today.”