If There's No Tomorrow

by Jennifer L. Armentrout

  Not expecting that, I blinked and looked down at myself. I was wearing an old shirt, jeans and flip-flops that were days from coming apart. “Really?”

  “Yeah.” He placed my bag in the back and closed the door. Facing me once more, he stepped out until his feet were nearly touching mine. I craned my head back as he looked down. “No bruises.”

  I almost didn’t get what he was saying.

  “They’d faded for the most part, but there was a little bit of it that was here.” His thumb brushed along the left side of my jaw, causing my breath to hitch. His deep midnight-blue eyes flicked to mine. “It’s gone now.”

  “It is?” I managed to say.

  “Yeah.” His thumb traveled the line of my jaw. “It was just a faint bluish color, but I saw it.”

  I shuddered.

  His thumb skimmed my chin and coasted along my lower lip. His head lowered.

  “Today is going to be rough,” he rasped out, voice deeper than normal. “You’re going to tire out physically...” His thumb made another sweep. “It’s going to wear you out emotionally. The first day for me... Yeah, there are no words.”

  Everything inside me, every cell and muscle, tightened and loosened at once. It was hard to pay attention to what he was saying when he was touching me like this. Touching me in a way he never had before. In the way I’d always wanted from him.

  “Sounds...sounds like you’ve been reading up on psychology again,” I forced out, sounding breathless.

  His lips kicked up on one side. “Or I’ve been talking and listening.”

  I tilted my head to the side, brows fitting together. I started to ask what that meant, but he suddenly pressed his lips to the corner of mine. It was brief—briefer than the one kiss at the lake—but it rocked me straight to the core.

  “What are you doing?” I gasped out.

  Stepping back, his heavy hooded gaze swept over me. “Doing what I said I was going to do.”

  * * *

  A note was waiting for me the moment I walked into homeroom. I didn’t even make it to my seat before the teacher waved me over and handed me a slip. A sympathetic look was etched into her heavily lined face. “You need to go to the front office, sweetie.”

  Sweetie? Pretty sure I’d never been called that in my entire high school career, but I nodded, took my note and walked right back out of class.

  I kept my head down—when I walked in and out, when I was out in the hall, and even at my locker, where Sebastian had helped unload my books and get everything situated before kissing me again, on my cheek this time, and leaving to head to his class.

  Everyone was staring, they were whispering, and when I made the mistake of looking up as I closed my locker door, a girl who’d never spoken to me my entire life had rushed up to my side, awkwardly hugged me and spewed out this rambling paragraph about how sorry she was for me and how glad she was that I was okay. I had no idea what her name was. I was pretty sure she’d had no idea who I was before the accident.

  I’d been left standing there, utterly confused.

  Now the note crinkled in my hand as I made my way to the front of the school and pushed open the double glass doors of the main office. One of the administrative volunteers was at the front desk, an older lady who had the brightest pink lipstick I’d ever seen on a person.

  I approached the desk. “I was told to come to the office. My name is Lena Wise.”

  “Oh.” Recognition flared in the rheumy eyes. “You stay right there and I’ll let them know you’re here.”

  Them? I stepped back from the counter, tensing. What was going on? I watched her shuffle down the narrow hallway that led to all the offices. I didn’t have long to wait. A tall silver-haired man came out just a few moments later.

  “Ms. Wise?” He walked up to me, extending his hand. “I’m Dr. Perry. I’m with the team that has been brought in due to the recent events.”

  Oh.

  Oh, dammit.

  “Let’s step back and chat for a few minutes, okay?” He moved aside, waiting. Not like I had much of a choice.

  Swallowing a sigh, I trudged down the hall and followed Dr. Perry into one of the meeting rooms usually reserved for parent meetings. The kind filled with stupid motivational posters of kittens clinging to ropes, talking about teamwork.

  I dropped my bag on the floor and eased into the hard plastic chair as he walked around the desk to sit across from me. An obvious Father’s Day gift—a mug proclaiming his greatness—sat on the desk next to a closed file that had my name scribbled along the tab.

  “May I call you Lena?” he asked.

  I nodded, shoving my hands between my knees. That didn’t feel good on my arm, so I pulled my arm up and laid it on the table.

  “Perfect.” He smiled faintly. “As I said, my name is Dr. Perry. I have my own practice, but I work for the school district, brought in as needed in certain circumstances where staff may be overwhelmed by the need for counselors.” He fired off credentials at that point, and they were impressive. Undergrad at Penn State. Grad school at Brown University. A ton of certifications that were like a different language to me. Then the conversation turned to me. “How are you feeling about starting school?”

  “Okay,” I answered, crossing my ankles. “I’m...I’m ready.”

  He rested an arm on the table. “It has to be tough missing nearly two weeks and dealing with the deaths of your friends.”

  I jolted at the unexpected bluntness. He was the first to just put it out there like that. “I... It’s been...” I blinked. “It’s been tough.”

  “I can imagine. The deaths of four young, bright people who had their entire futures ahead of them is a very hard thing to grasp, to fully comprehend.” His brown eyes were sharp as he spoke. “And it’s more difficult for you. You were in the car with them. You were seriously injured, and according to your file, these injuries will affect volleyball? A lot has happened.”

  Tensing, I winced as pain shot across my ribs. I glanced at the door, debating on making a run for it.

  “We’re not going to go there today,” he said softly. “You can relax.”

  My gaze shot back to him. “Today?”

  “We’re going to meet three times a week for the next month,” he announced, picking up his Greatest Dad Ever mug. “I’m not sure if your mother mentioned that to you.”

  Mom had so failed to mention this part. Too irritated to speak, I crossed my arms over my stomach.

  “Typically our sessions will be on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Today is a little different, but we’ll get together tomorrow and get on schedule.”

  Three days a week? Oh my God. I exhaled roughly as I looked up at the ceiling. “I don’t think this is necessary.”

  He sipped his coffee. “It’s necessary and you’re not the only one that our team has been meeting with. You’re not alone in this.”

  My gaze darted to him, and I wanted to ask who else he was meeting with. Was it Sebastian? That would explain why he was so incredibly on point with some of the stuff he’d been saying.

  I didn’t ask, because I figured he couldn’t answer that.

  “No one is going to judge you for meeting with me.”

  I wasn’t so sure about that, since this was high school, after all, and everyone judged everyone for everything.

  “And this is needed, Lena. You may not feel like it, and at first it may feel like it’s doing more harm than good.” His gaze was unwavering. “You got some stuff in there you’re going to need to get out.”

  Clamping my jaw shut, I didn’t say anything.

  He studied me a moment, and I had this unnerving sensation that he saw right into me, gazing upon the stuff I didn’t want to speak out loud.

  “The guilt of living when everyone else has died is a heavy weight to carry, Lena, all on its own. Survivor’s guilt is no joke. You’re never going to truly get rid of that burden, but we can lessen it. We can make it bearable.”

  I exhaled softly. “How?”
<
br />   “I know it doesn’t sound possible now, but your life is still going to go on. You’ll have tomorrow. Next week. Next month. Next year. You will eventually move past this.”

  I didn’t see how that was possible. “I...I didn’t expect this to happen,” I whispered, briefly squeezing my eyes shut. “I know how stupid that sounds, but I never thought this would happen.”

  “It’s not stupid, because no one ever does. No one ever thinks it will be them.” When he paused, I knew right then he knew. He knew. My gaze dropped to the file in front of him, and my heart started racing. Had he spoken to the police? My mom? And when he continued, I wanted to get up and run from the room, but I was rooted to the chair.

  “I know what happened.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  “You’re not going to volleyball practice?” Dary asked.

  “Not today.” I didn’t elaborate beyond that. Coach had caught me just after lunch, when I was at my locker. He’d asked if I would be at practice, and I told him that I still tired easily and my mom wanted me home.

  That wasn’t really a lie.

  Coach then told me he expected to see me at practice next week, and I nodded. I had plenty of opportunity to tell him that I wasn’t coming back, but I pushed it off to another day.

  In other words, I chickened out.

  Sebastian walked several feet ahead in the hallway outside the gym, his backpack slung over his shoulder, mine dangling from his fingertips.

  “Not a bad view,” Dary admitted to me in a whisper.

  A tired smile tugged at my lips. There was no way I could deny that, but what I really wanted to do was crawl into bed and nap. I was drained.

  On the other side of Dary, Abbi’s fingers were flying across the screen of her phone. “He’s being a real helpful guy, isn’t he?”

  Surprised, I looked over at her. Abbi hadn’t been very talkative. Not in Chem or at lunch. Everyone else had been chatting. Like the girl in the morning, so many people had approached me throughout the day. I got so many hugs, so many well-wishes from people I barely knew. There were others who didn’t approach me. Jessica and her friends hadn’t, but I guess she wouldn’t, since she’d been dating Cody. Skylar hadn’t looked in my direction during class earlier.

  But I got the distinct impression Abbi wasn’t exactly thrilled with me, and there could be a ton of reasons for that. “Yeah, he’s been really...helpful.”

  “Is that what they’re calling it nowadays?” Dary joked. “When boys are into you, they’re helpful?”

  “That actually sounds like a nice way of putting it.” Abbi’s gaze was on Sebastian’s back. “Has something changed between you two?”

  I opened my mouth, about to tell them what Sebastian had told me, but I stopped. I was sure they didn’t want to hear it.

  Abbi’s lips pursed as we stepped out the double doors. The sky was overcast, and the scent of rain lingered in the air.

  Eyes wide, Dary glanced between us. “I was thinking maybe we could meet up for something to eat later? Like we...we used to do.”

  Like we used to with Megan.

  “I don’t know,” I said hoarsely. “I have a lot of work to catch up on.”

  Abbi’s half smile was bitter and her words sharp as we crossed into the parking lot. “Of course.”

  My gaze shot to her as my stomach dipped, and Abbi sighed. “Maybe next week you’ll be better caught up?” she asked.

  I nodded and replied with a quiet “Sure.”

  “Text you guys later.” Dary quickly kissed my cheek and then Abbi’s before darting off toward where she was parked.

  Up ahead, Sebastian looked over his shoulder at me. He was almost near his Jeep and I knew he didn’t have a ton of time, but I had to talk to Abbi. The question was bubbling up. I knew I needed to just keep my mouth shut, but I couldn’t.

  I stopped, angling my body toward Abbi’s. “Can we talk for a second?”

  Her brows rose as she slowly lifted her gaze from her phone. Her stare wasn’t hostile, but it wasn’t exactly friendly. There was a wall between us. “What’s up?”

  Drawing in a shallow breath, I asked, “Are you...mad at me?”

  Abbi lowered her phone as she tilted her head to the side. For a moment, I didn’t think she was going to answer. “Honestly?”

  My heart turned over heavily. “We’ve always been honest with one another.”

  She looked up at the fat clouds and gave a shake of her head. “Let me ask you a question.”

  “Okay.”

  “What’s going on with you and him?” She jerked her chin in Sebastian’s direction.

  “Nothing,” I answered quickly. “He’s just helping me out.”

  “Really? That’s what you’re going to say?” Her hand tightened on the strap of her bag. “Because I know he’s not just helping you out.”

  “He’s—”

  “He told Skylar that he was into you,” she interrupted, dark eyes hard.

  I blinked. “He said what?”

  “Skylar told Daniela that he admitted to liking you and that is why they broke up last spring,” she explained, shifting her weight from one foot to the next. “That he wasn’t getting back with her, because he couldn’t do that when he had feelings for you. So are you telling me that you have no idea? After all this time you’ve been obsessed with him on the down low, you don’t know he feels this way about you? That he hasn’t been up front with you?”

  “I...” I stepped back, my gaze finding Sebastian. He was tossing my bag in the back seat.

  “I cannot believe you wouldn’t tell me about that, especially since I know how you’ve felt about him. How upset you were when you kissed him and he seemed like he wasn’t interested in that,” she said, her voice cracking slightly. “I’m one of your closest friends and I’m still here. I’m still alive and you haven’t told me about this—about something that I know is important.”

  Oh my God. My entire body jerked. I had not expected the conversation to be about this. “I just didn’t want to talk about it. I mean, I did. I wanted to call you and Dary the moment Sebastian told me how he felt, but I haven’t really been able to process it. What he said came out of nowhere and I don’t even know if he really feels that way or if it’s because of...because of everything that happened,” I admitted in a rush. “And after what happened, it doesn’t feel right talking about Sebastian like nothing happened.”

  “That’s the thing, Lena. What happened didn’t just happen to you. Yeah, you were in that car, and God only knows what you saw and went through. I have no idea. You know why? Because you won’t talk to me about it. You won’t talk to Dary—”

  “I just came back to school.” I swallowed against the feeling of razors in my throat. “It’s only been—”

  “It’s been two weeks and three days since the accident. I know,” Abbi shot back, her chest rising and falling heavily. “I know exactly how many days since Megan, Cody, Phillip and Chris have died. I know exactly how many days have passed since I thought you were going to die, too.”

  I sucked in a sharp breath. “Abbi—”

  Her voice wavered as she said, “Do you realize that? That all of us thought you were also dead in that car? Or that you were going to die like Cody had in the hospital? That me and Dary and Sebastian—” she flung her arm out in his direction “—believed that? And then, when we find out you’re alive, we hear you don’t even want to see us?”

  Tears blurred my eyes. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, having no idea what else to say. “I’m sorry. My head... It’s just—”

  Abbi held up her hand. “A part of me can even look past you not wanting to talk. Can even understand your reluctance to talk about normal things. And I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be a bitch. I get that you’ve been through a lot. So have I. So have Dary and Sebastian and Keith and everyone at this damn school, but what I don’t—” She closed her hand into a fist and looked skyward, counting to five under her breath. “What I don’t understand is how y
ou got in that car, Lena. How Cody could be that drunk and you still got into that car. You weren’t drunk. I was with you right before you left and you weren’t drunk, but you still got into that car and you let Cody drive.”

  I drew back as if I’d been smacked. I didn’t know what to say at first and then the shock gave way to anger—red, burning-hot