J R

by William Gaddis

  —No but I believe . . .

  —Don’t blame you believe anything I hear myself about paper the way they’re stripping those power company rights of way and mining claims right down through Virginia I told you to get Skinner out here with those figures the Boss wants on paper consumption rising triple the rate of the GNP for Mister Bast’s talk to the security analyst boys, has us bring in a top drawer speech writer on it and then reads them these statements over the phone must be where this Business Week interview came from, Triangle Products acquired for an undisclosed price rumor places substantially below book value refers to him as shrewd downstate interests when it was Beamish here who got the nut down to four million five put Piscator’s nose a little out of joint thinks maybe you’re trying to crowd him out . . .

  —I? Good heavens I hardly . . .

  —Probably where the Boss got the idea you were putting something over on him listing this Her magazine’s two hundred odd thousand account receivable as a Triangle asset with point eight million in operating losses already this year so he’s knocked it off your four million five, three million of that covered by the Eagle pension plan sale back to the employees and X-L selling at twenty-nine with its own paper source handing over fifty thousand shares of X-L common market value over a million four gives you a little margin over this million three balance wants your approval on these figures for the press.

  —It is cutting things a bit thin, and I believe we must still review the status of . . .

  —This Ritz Bright Leaf outfit don’t worry about it, just tell your principals the Boss is sitting tight on it as a tax loss while this USDA experimental program gets off the ground still labeled secret but he wants me to discuss trade names with you as soon as it’s checked out with Senator Virginia where’s that call we’re putting through to Senator him on the phone there?

  —No it’s the room service did somebody order kippers?

  —Probably Mooneyham over there keeping his thirst up, doctor trying to get him off it sends him to five movies a day he’s seen so many dirty movies he’s gone right back to Virginia tell him you want his glass for a refill and get some coffee into him before Mister Ten-forty shows up, call him that because we got him through some computer management service working on a book on measurement Skinner wants for his spring list Virginia? Tell Skinner to bring that trade list out with him putting through his paper order now reminds me Beamish the Boss said anything to you about recycling that back inventory at Triangle?

  —No but I believe . . .

  —Must plan to sell it off novelty rolls and all then his last memo he wants that big water tower painted to look like a giant roll of toilet paper even did it himself with orange crayon on an aerial view we’d sent him wanted to make sure there were no legal objections.

  —No but I believe the residents in the immediate area of the Triangle plant would hardly welcome the spectacle of a giant roll of . . .

  —Don’t worry about it then one thing I don’t argue with those pieces of lined paper handwritten one end to the other comes in here I just tie up my pantslegs he wants solutions not problems . . .

  —Mister Davidoff excuse me sir but that is why Mister Duncan is here. In the haste attending the parent company’s eagerness to resolve the status of his firm in the course of acquiring Triangle Products, some confusion appears to have occurred between . . .

  —May speed things up to get Skinner out here for a rundown the way these legal boys make twenty words do the work of one get Beamish here going with his whereifs and whereases been here talking for twenty minutes and we’re still right over this way Mister Duncan oh and Skinner don’t have to introduce you to your old head of sales do I Duncan let him give you a runthrough and I’ll fill in the gaps.

  —Gosh . . .

  —Brought Skinner on board when I left Diamond Beamish, he had a management contract offer from the bank Duncan here set up as trustee tied in with a token hundred thousand dollar option to buy and all Skinner can come up with is joint tenancy in a piece of a three or four million dollar company out here in Long Island City having some reorganization problems got their lawyer coming in later to show you his figures, this woman Skinner just married picked up five percent of it in her divorce settlement putting that up as security for this J R Corp loan to pick up the option and meet the full purchase price out of future earnings probably what’s on Duncan’s mind here . . .

  —I just want to get fixed up and get back to . . .

  —Yes Mister Davidoff please, we must interrupt this and get back to . . .

  —Don’t worry about it, see what it’s like running the store with nobody on deck to put out these brush fires Time spread says we’ll lose our shirt see why Duncan here’s worried about future earnings wants a look at the, where’s that trade list comments from your topflight name critics and all, noses a little out of joint when they trip over topflight talent but that’s par for the course call this wallpaper Beamish?

  I CHOSE ROTTEN GIN The story of a disillusioned Communist, who

  had not the courage to go against the party.

  . . . so ostentatiously aimed at writing a masterpiece that, in a less ambitious work, one would be happy to call promising, for such readers as he may be fortunate enough to have . . .

  —Glandvil Hix

  OI CHITTERING ONES A serious work which urges us to lay aside our fears and realize our true strength.

  . . . the outside world of American life is described so imperfectly and so superficially as to make us feel that the novelist himself has never known it . . .

  —M Axswill Gummer

  THE R I COONS IGNITE Violence in a small southern community, the racial question delicately and faithfully dealt with.

  . . . nowhere in this whole disgusting book is there a trace of kindness or sincerity or simple decency . . .

  —S T Erlingnorf

  TEN ECHOES RIOTING A delicately evocative novel.

  . . . a delicately evocative novel . . .

  —B R Endengill

  . . . a literary event, of sorts . . .

  —Newsleak Magazine

  THE ONION CREST G I A rousing war novel, adventure with a tough talking sergeant from Wisconsin (the onion state).

  . . . does not persuade us that it is based on any but a narrow and jaundiced view, a projection of private discontent . . .

  —Milton R Goth

  . . . another long and rather dreary saga of modem man in search of a soul . . .

  —Baltimore Sun

  THOSE NIGER CONTI Lusty romance with the Godzzoli family in love and the Italian secret service in Egypt.

  . . . a complete lack of discipline . . .

  —Kricket Reviews

  THE TIGER ON SONIC A killer in provincial New England trapped by the brilliant deductions of the author’s popular armchair detective, Mr Ethan Frome.

  . . . a really yummy read . . .

  —D O’Lobeer

  —I confess the titles are quite catchy ones indeed Mister Davidoff, however we . . .

  —Still working one up for this new book on measurement by our Mister Ten-forty went right out and picked up a new suit with his hundred dollar advance and these Haight memoirs, Skinner brought in a topflight name writer to get the General off Virginia try to reach Mister Gall, promised us a new Western himself called The Blood in the Red White and Blue as soon as his play goes into production may have to pull him off the General to give the Boss a hand on this full length bio he wants to bring out, thinks his own success story may rub off on the company and vice versa when he takes the jump into public life sharp eye for a deal but he can use some help on his spelling Virginia? Get hold of Mister Gall? He ought to be in here by now with that Indian pageant script and call the desk, find out if they’ve seen those two Indian boys better look in the bar tell them to page the Brook brothers oh and Skinner bring out one of your standard author’s contracts you know what a stickler the Boss is for the letter of the law Beamish, wants to be sure there’s n
one of your legal doubletalk these writers can horn in on the advertising end . . .

  —I doubt there’s any reason for concern there Mister Davidoff, I believe these matters are left in the publisher’s hands and so long as a book is advertised in good taste and . . .

  —Not of the books in the books Skinner get out one of those layouts for . . .

  —I beg your pardon you don’t mean actually carrying advertising matter inserted in the text of the book itself? There may be no contractual objection however in terms of . . .

  —Whose ads don’t worry about it, end papers and centerfold go to the J R Family of Companies coming up with the rest from the agency’s accounts preference anywhere they tie in with our products and services take Ray-X subcontracting on this line of prosthesises where’s Skinner, just told him to get that Health Package layout see how they tie in with this nursing home funeral service cemetery deal . . .

  —No no Mister Davidoff excuse me I believe you mistake my point. Contractual obligations aside sir, surely the arbitrary insertion of pages of advertising bearing no relation to the creative work of an author who . . .

  —One step ahead of you there too Beamish already set up a page for Wonder Beer in The Onion Crest G I next printing may even work it right into the . . .

  —But the authors Mister Davidoff, the writers . . .

  —Best thing ever happened to them ask Duncan here, come in spouting art and literature what they really mean’s a big advance on royalties, book finally comes out at fifteen dollars sells two thousand copies they blame him blame the reviewers blame tv blame everything but production costs and your little old lady at the Shady Nook book store spouting art and literature rakes off half wet her pants when the paperbacks came out spread culture grabbed the mass market now you pay hardcover prices for paperbacks, what pays production costs for your tv spectaculars what keeps the Times on the street what keeps Virginia where’s that old New Yorker magazine lying around here . . .

  —That soldier borrowed it Mister Davidoff he needed some pictures to trace for the General to . . .

  —Ran through it yesterday Beamish counted five hundred forty columns two hundred was text the rest of it ads, turns into a catalog and they’d lose their mailing privilege so what you read’s as long and lively as the phone book suffocate you if there wasn’t a picture of a Cadillac or a bottle of whisky every time you turn a page . . .

  —You make your point Mister Davidoff I see it regularly, though I do believe I recall a cartoon some two years ago I found quite amusing, now if we may return to the plight of Mister Duncan . . .

  —Don’t worry about it, still afraid he won’t see his full purchase price out of future earnings why he wants a look at what Skinner’s got laid out this way Mister Duncan, gal I brought along from Diamond topflight track record in curriculum management in here spreading out this whole textbook line to take on these ad revenues boys down at the agency bringing them in faster than . . .

  —Mister Davidoff you’re not suggesting, excuse me for interrupting but you’re not also suggesting carrying advertising matter in school textbooks . . .?

  —Not my suggestion Beamish straight from the Boss we just carried it over to the trade list here, whole inspiration came from these matchbooks he picked up Mooneyham’s company there for in the first place got the names of every company product plan and service from hearing aids to funerals into the hands of every camper smoker and hophead in the country, need proof just look at the way this new aspirin took off cornered the market overnight with that straight-from-the-shoulder punch line it’s green! Whole case of them in there put a few in your pocket when you leave watch your jacket there Mister Duncan, buttered roll on the bed better move that coffee Miss somebody on the phone Virginia?

  —It’s that Mister Hyde Mister Davidoff he . . .

  —Just tell him to hold on got our gal here giving Mister Duncan the fifty cent tour wants a look at her . . .

  —Mister Davidoff excuse me but before this whole project proceeds further I believe certain important legal questions may . . .

  —Don’t worry about it Beamish just got Piscator back from California on it, get across to these state systems where they buy all their textbooks in a lump grab a cost conscious ear in the legislature and we’re off and running see these local boards of ed lining up like dominoes when the word gets out to the taxpayers school taxes up to their wait Virginia where’s that schoolbooks backgrounder you were sending out, have to call it back I just saw the title you typed scared for sacred want to see it picked up by the Reader’s Digest our gal here trying to reach these bleeding hearts . . .

  —The fear psychology aptitudes reading levels all that stuff and junk, she came on through bread, the gone bite in the buttered roll smeared with lipstick like the coffee cup at her knee on the bed and the cigarette raised quivering now her contact lenses were out she looked at Mister Duncan with no interest at all,—it’s not the kids, if they find a Cheerios or Reese Peanutbutter Cups spread in the middle of their math lesson they’ll think it’s a ball it’s not the kids, it’s the parents that make the trouble brought up with tv they ought to be used to love stories documentaries mysteries all that bla bla bla break off for clogged sinks underarms . . .

  —But Miss, Mister Davidoff surely you don’t intend to accept advertising for such things as deodor . . .

  —Don’t worry about it Beamish see what she’s spreading out for Duncan right here all pegged to the grade level . . .

  —Gum cereals candy bars all that stuff and junk is the primary grades bikes sports equipment records seventh and eighth on up nothing till French Three and advanced algebra on deodorants tampons all that bla bla bla . . .

  —Here’s a cute one they just came up with for ninth grade algebra once the USDA opens up and the trademark’s registered, smoky letters rising out of the grass here see them? I’m Mary Jane, fly me. Gets the idea right across Skinner got that title page? Motto running right along here under your Duncan and Skinner colophon bringing the world into the classroom and the classroom into the world gimmick Skinner here came up with, dug out this name educator Thomas Dewey for the PW announcement of this children’s encyclopedia turned it into a crash project, team of salesmen out blanketing the city with samples of volume four pull in enough orders for the set we can go through with the other nine paying half cent a word all that ad space bypass your little old lady at Shady Nook hit your educable public right in the supermarket where they live ought to retail at the price of a package of what’s this Virginia . . .

  —This memo I typewrited eight copies of you . . .

  —Got your carbons in backwards again the Boss has a Xerox machine delivered to uptown headquarters place we really need one’s right here oh and Virginia this time you run it through I thought I told you to set quarter inch margins, something the Boss saw on tv sends out a companywide order to set every margin a quarter inch to save paper whole reason this publishing end’s got top priority in the first place all this paper the Boss says we might as well print books on it, now he’s heard it costs more to keep presses idle than to run them so he wants them rolling day and night’s why Skinner’s got his gal here doubling in brass on this She dummy give the American gal a whole new image . . .

  —Age spots corns ugly veins unwanted hair flabby waistline drooping bust dry skin hemorrhoids all that stuff and . . .

  —I hardly see how you expect to sell . . .

  —Advertising Beamish sell advertising mail the magazine free to a guaranteed audience, put out a mag like Her play the numbers game with your ad accounts spend five dollars to get subscriptions you sell for four and lose our shirts like the rest of them, She hits the stands and they’ll all line up like dominoes target your ads in on your guaranteed audience you’ll see boat magazines free to boat owners sex mags free to kids and singles photo mags free to camera buffs just get the lists knock out this five percent return on direct mail and your ad boys will pay the difference to know who they’re reachin
g . . .

  —Age lines nerves headaches flabby thighs small busts oily skin cracked nails split ends all that bla bla bla . . .