J R

by William Gaddis

—Targeting in on every one of them drugstores selling us customer lists through wholesalers handling the Nobili prescription line gets some mileage in this feature she’s got spread out there let Duncan here get a look at what Skinner’s getting into . . .

  —Yes that’s . . .

  —No here Mister Duncan over here, at last . . .!

  —Yes that’s . . .

  —At last! A Personalized Plan from Nave to Grave, funeral right through the cemetery with the drug line nursing home tie-in somebody at the door?

  —I thought he was fixing me . . .

  —Mister Duncan I quite understand yes, but at this point I believe you might better join the rest of the gentlemen on the sofa and let me call you when I find an opening to approach Mister Davidoff in terms of, of fixing you up as you . . .

  —Thought that was somebody at the door Virginia if it’s those Indian boys tell them to sit tight and get that gang over on the sofa off the firewater . . .

  —It wasn’t them Mister Davidoff it was just Mister . . .

  —Oh and Virginia that call I’m putting through to what happened to that call to Senator . . .

  —But that Mister Hyde’s still waiting on the telephone for . . .

  —Trying to reach me while Hyde holds up the line better close that door behind you Beamish let them get back down to business in there just wanted Duncan here to get an eyeful of what was behind that spread in Monday’s where’s Duncan . . .

  —I suggested he join the group on the sofa until we are able to concentrate more directly on his . . .

  —Don’t worry about it few things I didn’t want to get into in front of him, gave him the three dollar tour to hang on till you or Nonny check out Skinner’s option the Boss wants to be sure Duncan’s really out of the ballgame dirty looking little man wouldn’t have picked him as the publisher of T S . . .

  —But Mister Davidoff that is exactly the problem which . . .

  —Don’t worry about it the only way Skinner and this gal can hold onto it think they’ll come up with the purchase price out of some lawsuit you saw his eye and that smile of hers car wreck asking a million each, by the time that’s settled the parent company will have called his loan and picked up the option had to take on his management contract to get it he’s about as much use as a spare what’s this box here Virginia, be lucky to get out with his hat and . . .

  —That Indian suit they delivered the one you told me to rent for Mister . . .

  —Chief Indian chief, better check it out before he takes it with him can’t have him get up there looking like the last of the here just get it off the desk, hello? Hyde? just hold on a minute no sit down Beamish, didn’t want to get into this in front of Duncan there the Boss saw that piece in Forbes on this collision course we’re running on these mineral interests wants to move fast got this topflight salesman I brought along from Diamond on that Endo divestiture on his way out there with, Hyde . . .? Haven’t shown up here yet no had them paged down at the bar but . . . no if you’re driving better leave without them we’ll get them loaded on the company plane with Mister . . . what? Six cents a mile companywide yes straight from the Boss not his fault if you drive a Cadillac he . . . time to get rid of what smell in your car . . . Because this whole Endo shipment’s on its way out there right now, gets there ahead of you and you’ll have them tearing open the crates won’t know a toaster from a hair dryer be lifting the tops of the washing machines to climb on them and . . . To hold it off till the last minute with your PR cameras set up when the presentation’s ready to . . . No before the pageant starts he makes the presentation they follow up with their ceremony make him an honorary . . . not the Boss no he can’t make it been out of the country just called in last night he’s . . . Sending his exec out in his place try to smooth their feathers yes . . . Bast yes don’t think you’ve met him he’s . . . what? Young yes but it couldn’t be the same one this one’s been with the Boss since . . . Don’t worry about it I’d handle it myself but the Boss wants me here on deck for brush fires shouldn’t be any problems the whole thing’s . . . No worked the whole thing up in our shop historical pageant got in a topflight name scriptwriter to help them work up some pride in their history had to do it all himself asked them and they drew a blank, yakked about the Great Spirit warning them the white man would try to take away their language had to get all his background info from the papers and go from there has them sign a treaty for one reservation they’re herded off it middle of winter across country barefoot and bottled up in the one they’re on out there now, brought in a little famine rapes cholera to jazz up the scenario try to get some togetherness going for them, work up some tribal spirit to get them off their butts and defend this happy hunting ground with these gas and mineral leases they’re squatting on find the whole thing in these press releases should be waiting for you when you get out there, want to get them right to the press boys the night before so they can . . . Don’t worry about it that’s what they’re paid for I’d send some of our agency boys out to hold your hand but they’re all parceled out on . . . No waiting for final script delivery now don’t worry about it just let this Charley Yellow Brook hand out the parts he’s been . . . afraid of what? What would . . . no what would they go after you for they . . . No most of them never seen one had to have Abercrombie’s send out some top archery types to show them how, even had to throw in some topflight canoeists so they’d know which end of the paddle to put in the . . . No it’s Brook Yellow Brook not stream, Charley Yellow Brook and his . . . must have seen a first speech draft joke the Boss came up with about a book called The Yellow Stream by I P Daily thought it might break the ice but . . . get the same feeling myself sometimes I just tie up my . . . your what? Oh your boy want to take your boy along why not, might see something he . . . what America’s all about? Show him what we have to protect yes might get him into some pictures want them taken before the action starts hand carried put right on a plane got a couple of photographers from the local papers and a UP stringer doubling as PR for us get them on the wire oh and Hyde before they start shooting Mister Bast ask him to take off his hearing aid, want some good shots of him and the Senator get the Brook brothers in there any local color all those feathers going that hearing aid might look . . . haven’t briefed him on it no he’s been wrapped up on another project pretty worn down not much of a fireball to start with he may need a little prodding to get into the spirit of . . . don’t worry about it goodbye oh and Hyde . . .? Hung up on me, ties up the phone for twenty minutes and hangs up on me wanted him to check out these appliance invoices at the other end make sure the Boss been at you on that yet Beamish? writing off these appliances at retail?

  —No, the entire transaction is one with which I . . .

  —Saw that Wall Street Journal crack didn’t you about Typhon International tying the can to Endo in that agreement to divest nothing but backdated inventory whole thing happened before I came on deck here probably one of Crawley’s stunts, only reason the Boss could give for taking it on according to Bast was because it was cheap didn’t know what to do with it till I thought of this gang of Indians give them the whole kit and kaboodle get them on our side of the fence on these leases and write off the cost but you know how the Boss thinks every loss a profit, wants the tax write-off at retail like those dated drugs in the Nobili . . .

  —I would have to review the figures Mister Davidoff but while we have the matter under discussion there are aspects of this enterprise I find frankly disturbing. You may well regard me as old-fashioned but I find posing as benefactors to these Indians simply in order to take advantage of their rights to possible mineral or gas deposits on their lands quite as distasteful as advertising chewing gum and . . .

  —We don’t do it first Beamish somebody else will, got them under the gun now with a move to pull their wigwams right out from under them be lucky to get off the reservation with their hats and their asses, spring this historical pageant to pull them together follow up on the publicity get their claim
s established and they can sink their teeth in this royalty arrangement with the Alsaka subsidiary put a little wampum under their belts for a rainy day see this Forbes’ piece Showdown at Broken Bow? Probably got it all from Crawley on the phone again yesterday about these Alberta and Western sites said he’d talked to you on these mining claims . . .

  —He did yes, the other party appears prepared to raise his offer on the power company properties you mention, provided his earlier offer on the mining claims area is accepted in order to avoid what could become a costly and drawn out action threatening the validity of the claims themselves. Mister Crawley was particularly concerned about Mister Bast, he seems to take a great interest in him and stressed his wish to relieve Mister Bast of time-consuming complications, and since Mister Crawley appears to have substantial dealings both with J R Corp principals and the other party a Mister Stamper I believe, and is acting merely as go-between . . .

  —Just brought in Stamper for window dressing Beamish, hunting crony of his see the big game film those two put together million zebras running for their lives you’d paint stripes on your ass and run too, rides around his end of Texas in a Cadillac can of beer in his hand answering police calls converted his old slave cabins to fancy guest cottages I just heard he got so mad when he saw his new tax assessment he went out and burned them all down, big overgrown kid never got past fourth grade Bast told me once the Boss never got out of sixth frankly sometimes I believe it, he runs that assay on the water at Wonder Brewery comes across smaltite traces and has Nonny put in for a mineral depletion allowance tipped his hand to the FDA coming down hard on cobalt safety levels now Milliken jumps in to protect home industry only thing they had besides sheep and Indians till he suddenly gets the idea his state is one big cobalt nickel arsenic deposit looks over the stockpile scene and hauls the Undersecretary up before his committee on the contract he negotiated for Typhon to set up this smelting operation in Gandia and buy it back as surplus, supply U S cobalt stockpile requirements from it and sell the nickel and anything else they come up with on the side wherever Pythian Overseas has a market, that’s who your other party in this deal is Beamish I’ve worked with Moncrieff nobody to tangle assholes with . . .

  —No I had hardly considered the possib . . .

  —Any cobalt in sight Typhon wants to sit on it pressure on them from Pythian has this war going in Gandia to secede Uaso province smelter minerals and all turn the whole thing into a company town, defense minister Doctor Dé steps over declares a republic and you get Broos speaking up in the Senate for self-determination for the people of this gallant little emerging nation, pleads for nonintervention and sponsors a bill prohibiting imports with Gandia as country of origin. Nowunda’s government trying to hold things together take help anyplace they can get it so Milliken votes for the Broos bill backs the U N resolution supporting Nowunda’s government and wakes up in bed with China Albania and . . .

  —Mister Davidoff excuse me again for interrupting but as interesting as all of this is I believe we are straying from . . .

  —Just getting to these bellies, Bast been at you about them yet?

  —Mister Bast? about, bellies . . .?

  —Pork bellies frozen dried may not know any more about them than I do the Boss has been hedging in them on the side must have Crawley up to his ass on margin some deal going on a trade if Nowunda holds out takes a stiff royalty on mineral exports solve this problem at Ray-X getting rhodium for thermocouples on these government fixed price contracts why the Boss pushed Haight so hard on these Pentagon research contracts had Ray-X borrow on the strength of them, put in later for a cost overrun and come out on top only problem was coming up with the products, got in a topflight R and D man through Mister Ten-forty worked with him for years says he has a topflight track record in the academic field looking for a place where his mind could turn loose and soar, all in that release on Frigicom oh Virginia told you to dig up that Frigicom release, got the City Council biting on the noise pollution end have to check it out with Washington work into this talk for the security analyst boys get me Colonel Moyst on the phone check his new number, Haight got him transferred over to procurement oh and Virginia that black still sitting over there looking at pictures thought we got rid of him doesn’t speak English what does he speak . . .

  —It sounded maybe like French Mister Davidoff only I don’t know what French sounds like so . . .

  —Get Skinner’s gal out there maybe she can parley vous find out what he’s doing here knock before you go in oh and Virginia, something here about a shipment from Hong Kong says plastic flowers must be those sweaters they sent that fiber over from Eagle for, get Hopper out of that whatever he’s eating long enough to find out who’s this on the phone, Moyst?

  —No they said it’s for Mister Bast about these musicians that . . .

  —Tell them to leave a number have Bast get back to them when he rolls in oh and . . .

  —But Mister Bast is . . .

  —Here better take it myself can’t tell what he, hello . . .? No he’s not what . . . Don’t worry about it just give me your figures probably be handling this end anyhow what . . . Taping the whole thing yes told him I thought we should get a topflight name band like the Boston Pops package deal wrap up the whole . . . Mister Bast said what? What’s he got against the Boston . . . make any piece of music sound like elephants doing what . . .? No no go ahead whatever he told you, he’s the . . . Wait what about rehearsal time what’s the going . . . don’t rehearse for recording sessions then how do they . . . get ninety dollars for the basic three hour session ought to wrap the whole thing up in one . . . what? Fifteen minutes of usable recording from each session why can’t . . . All right suppose they get twenty minutes suppose they get sixty what . . . Fifteen minutes maximum thought you just told me there’s no rehearsing what are they doing then playing with their . . . No no go ahead whatever he told you he’s the . . . Ninety-five men that brings it to zero, five, eighty-five fifty for each . . . what do you mean eighty-six forty five times nine is . . . Ninety-six thought you said Mister Bast wanted ninety-fi . . . the contractor gets paid double? How many . . . don’t know how long it is no he’s still . . . Well how long is a symphony give me a . . . just to give me a ballpark figure forty-five minutes that’s three of your three hour sessions eighty-six forty each brings us up around twenty-six thousand ought to cover the whole . . . without studio rental just your boys in the band add on . . . orchestra yes add on . . . what? Rental of instruments what do you mean your boys don’t even own . . . Look would I take on a job as a writer show up without a pencil? What’s the . . . kettledrum no I don’t own a kettledrum don’t play the kettledrum if I played the kettledrum I’d own a . . . think the Boston Pops has to go out and rent a kettledrum every time they play the Blue Danube? What do you . . . no whatever he told you don’t worry about it we’ll get back to you see what I mean Beamish, get local eight-o-one in there might as well just get a comb and toilet paper while you’re here get to Hopper on squashing that union injunction Shorter brought when the Boss pulled those looms out for South America, gave his boy that whole territory for Wonder Beer making such a mess of it the Boss wants this settled before we have to buy him out might want to bring Bast in on it knows the Eagle picture first hand thought I just heard him in there . . .

  —I had thought I heard a piano, however . . .

  —Must have come in while we were fixing Duncan up in the bedroom there see what it’s like running the store with an exec who . . .

  —But do you mean Mister Bast is here? in there? playing the piano?

  —In there playing the piano see what it’s like running the . . .

  —Excellent just let me go in and speak with him it should take only a moment to clear up this . . .

  —Wouldn’t bother him Beamish gets in there shuts that door wouldn’t interrupt him unless the Boss called or the place caught fire, pressure on him to clean up this project get this grant out so there’s no legal snag in the Fo
undation’s tax exempt status when he goes into it for a loan to Virginia told you to get Moyst . . .

  —Moist?

  —Moyst Colonel Moyst told you to get him on the phone don’t have to bother Bast on these questions you have about Eagle Beamish probably clear them up myself, the Boss is talking about handing the whole thing over to the town for a park and speedway write these leases off as a gift if you can get him a high enough appraisal on them get some help from Hopper over there on that, any more trouble from this Begg woman with her stockholder suit say he’s acting for the stockholders cutting costs move operations south if he has to to hang onto his tax umbrella Shorter’s union boys don’t like it tell them their jobs are waiting for them in Georgia, set up down there with cheap equipment for fast replacement under deductible maintenance expenses won’t have to wait around on this capital goods depreciation allowance think he just wants you to check out that end of it, you know what a stickler he is for the letter of . . .

  —The law I do Mister Davidoff I do, however may I say this constant near frenzied emphasis on the letter of the law at the expense of, in fact too frequently in direct defiance of its spirit, is something I frankly find . . .

  —What lawyers are for isn’t it Beamish wasn’t for that you’d be out selling pencils . . .

  —Perhaps but however that may be, in this particular instance corporate activities seem so preponderantly inspired by such negative considerations as depreciation and depletion allowances, loss carryforwards tax write-offs and similar . . .

  —Way the big boys think Beamish why the Boss is where he is and we’re down here pushing pencils, goes right to the gut issue and sends through a directive some of them so blunt almost sound simple minded hardly understand him on the phone half the time either, spend an hour afterward putting the pieces together get the feeling myself sometimes he does the grunting and we do the work but that’s Moyst on the phone Virginia? No here just give it to me hello, Colonel . . .? Oh yes sir . . . No no sir yes sir no sir . . . Yes sir no it won’t happen again sir no sir . . . Yes sir I know you haven’t been a colonel since nineteen for . . . Yes sir I . . . Saint Fiacre in the Ardennes offensive yes sir I . . . that General Box took all the credit for throwing off the whole German timetable yes I do sir he . . . that Bradley and Ike were completely unprepared yes sir I’m sure the readers of your memoirs will want to see the true light shed on . . . your memoirs yes sir is that what you called about sir? We have a topflight . . . sir? Oh about the university yes sir we . . . all arranged in your name yes sir we . . . in your name yes of course affirmative sir we . . . sir? To name the entire university after you sir . . .? Yes well no sir we . . . Yes I understand sir yes sir however they . . . through channels yes sir however certain . . . the football team yes sir however certain alumni active in the football team’s behalf feel that it might sound . . . No sir that Haight U sir might be misinterpreted as sounding . . . the proper aggressive spirit for the gridiron yes sir however the cheerlead . . . going coeducational yes sir the cheerlead . . . the university’s major academic attraction yes sir the cheerlead . . . sir? Yes sir we certainly will sir now if I can take one more minute of your time sir to . . . One minute of your time yes sir to call your attention to an item in this latest memo from . . . sir? The next time I speak with him I certainly will sir now if I can take one more min . . . sir? Magazines . . .? Yes sir we’ll send over any we can find immediately sir and sir? If I can take one . . . sir? Virginia hang this up if he calls again tell him he’s, tell him I’m sending over some old magazines anything you can find in there sitting on his royal red white and what’s this . . .