Searching for Normal

by C. J. Darlington

I closed my eyes for a second and tried to think. I’d tried not to get my hopes up, but if I was being honest, I really had. I’d wanted my aunt to be wrong and her memory of Mason to have faded. It had been a long time ago. Maybe she hadn’t remembered right. And people could totally change, right? Mason might’ve been a young, cocky guy when he knew my mother. Didn’t mean he’d be like that forever.

  With a sigh I shoved my hands into my pockets and stared at the bus. Its generator was running, so someone was probably in there.

  I just wanted things to be normal. To have a family again. I’d thought Mason might be my ticket to the life I’d lost. Only now it sounded foolish to have allowed myself to dream like that. Today didn’t change anything. I was still the weird outcast who might be able to see a horse’s feelings but couldn’t make sense of her own.

  A sound like a whip cracking startled me, and for a second I thought maybe lightning had struck somewhere in the distance. But then a loud bang, like a hoof hitting metal, followed.

  I ran toward the noise. If a horse was loose, it might need help.

  His voice struck me first. I rounded one of the pickup trucks to see Mason King and the gray mare in front of a smaller trailer than what had been in the arena. Mason’s face was flushed red. He jerked back on the mare’s lead, causing her rope halter to dig into her face. At the move, her front hooves came up off the ground, and he yanked down on the halter, presumably as a punishment.

  The mare’s nostrils flared, and she snorted that strange way horses do when they’re scared or upset. She wasn’t a big horse—her ears reached no higher than Mason’s head. He held a short lunge whip in his right hand and pointed at the trailer. The mare snorted again, and he swung the whip at her hindquarters.

  She froze.

  In a quick succession that made me flinch, Mason struck the mare with the whip three times, and lash met flesh with sickening snaps. The mare pulled backward to escape him again, her eyes wide, nostrils flaring, but Mason followed her, hitting with the whip.

  “Get over it,” he said through his teeth, calling the mare a crude name. She tried once more to get away, but he chased after her.

  That’s when I saw the white patch on her nose, and it hit me like a rock to the head. Her dark-gray coloring, her petite size . . . Ava. This was Ava, the horse I’d met at Green Tree Farm. The little mare with the abscess who’d given me such sweet comfort. Oh my gosh.

  “Stop!” I yelled. “Just stop it! Leave her alone!”

  Mason King didn’t even turn in my direction. He gave the mare slack in the lead rope and attempted once more to send her toward the trailer opening. When she balked, he whipped.

  It was one thing to see him in the arena from a distance, but it was quite another to be up close, where I could smell the sweaty mare and hear the stinging pain each slash of the whip made on her body. How long has he been working her out here in private where no one can see his abuse? Why would this mare ever trust another human being again, much less load on any trailer?

  “Leave her alone!”

  Ava reared up all the way, shaking her head and yanking Mason’s arm up with her as he held on to the lead rope.

  I flinched at the stream of profanities he yelled at her as she came back down.

  Mason stopped and faced me, and I froze. It chilled me the way he so easily said those horrible words. The anger pulsing from him even as he stared at me. I could feel it.

  I had felt it.

  I was instantly back in the bookstore with Jade and Kelsey and saw myself shove the girl. If her friends hadn’t caught her . . .

  “What do you think you’re doing?” Mason seethed, dropping a few more choice words.

  I stared at the man whose bloodline I shared. We didn’t look much alike on the outside, but where it counted, in our hearts, we were the same, weren’t we?

  The mare, her sides heaving, sweat dripping down her neck, hung her head in defeat, and Mason actually dared to smile.

  Rain tapped on the metal trailers, and tears filled my eyes. This was my future, wasn’t it? I started with shoving bullies and ended up abusing a poor animal. Aunt Laura had said the core of who we are doesn’t usually change. It was true with Mason, and it was true with me.

  “Can someone get security out here?” Mason called out.

  “How can you do this?” I said.

  Mason turned toward me. “Sorry, girlie, if real horse training makes you cry.”

  Footsteps pounded behind me, and I didn’t wait to be dragged off by some overeager security guard. It wouldn’t matter what I said. This was the famous Mason King. A real horseman.

  I didn’t know what to do or where to go, but I had to get away.

  I backed up like Ava had, slipping around the trucks and trailers. As soon as I was out of sight, I started running.

  Chapter 31

  I DIDN’T CARE IF I GOT WET. I didn’t care about anything in that moment but escaping Mason King’s presence. Soon I was soaked and shivering, yet I didn’t stop until I reached the truck. It would be locked, but I couldn’t bring myself to go back inside and face my friends.

  The downpour eased, but my tears didn’t.

  I don’t know how long I stood there before I felt someone’s hand on my back.

  “Oh my gosh, Shay, where were you?”

  Tessa.

  “We’ve been looking everywhere! Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

  I turned around, not even bothering to hide my crying.

  She took one look at me, and her questions immediately stopped. I tried to stammer a response and explain, but any words I might’ve had disappeared with the rain. I just stood there, and before I could try again, Tessa wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into an embrace.

  That was enough to do me in. I lost it and sobbed into her shoulder, holding on to my friend for dear life. I couldn’t speak or even breathe normally, but Tessa didn’t let go.

  “Shay, you’re shaking.”

  I finally broke the hug. “I’m . . . sorry.”

  She didn’t seem to hear me and quickly unlocked the truck. “We’ve got to warm you up.”

  “I’m . . .”

  I was about to say, “I’m fine,” but I wasn’t. My teeth were chattering, and my shirt stuck to my back.

  “Here, get in.” Tessa opened the passenger door and gently guided me into the vehicle. She quickly went around to the other side and started the engine and heater, then pulled her gym bag from behind the seat.

  “I always carry a change of clothes.” She dug in the bag and produced a T-shirt and sweatshirt. “They’re clean,” she added.

  I didn’t really care.

  “Get out of that flannel,” Tessa said. “I’m serious. You’re going to get hypothermic, if you aren’t already.”

  I hesitated, even though my whole body shook. “People . . . will see.”

  Tessa had a plan for that, too. She produced two towels and hung one across the passenger window, using the window to hold it in place. The other she held up herself, blocking off the windshield and my other side.

  Somehow I managed to change into the dry clothes, but I was still shaking. Most of it was from the cold, but not entirely the only reason.

  “I’ll text the girls and tell them you’re safe,” she said. “They went back into the arena to look for you.”

  I managed a nod. “I didn’t mean . . . to scare you.”

  Tessa folded up the towels and stuffed them into the bag. She adjusted the heater vents to blow directly on me. I knew I had some explaining to do, but I didn’t even know where to start. You didn’t just cry on your friend like that for no reason.

  “You don’t have to talk to me,” Tessa said, looking me in the eyes. “But I care about you. We all do. I know it must’ve been hard to see your father for the first time like that, and I won’t even try to pretend to understand completely, but I’m here, okay?”

  My first instinct was to shut down. As usual. But seeing how Tessa had just witnessed m
e completely fall apart . . . she deserved some trust.

  “I can only imagine what you must think of me,” I said.

  “That you’ve had a really hard day? Shay, I promise I’m not judging you. It’s okay.”

  “Not just today.” I was still shaking and wrapped my arms around myself trying to get warm. “I haven’t been a good friend to any of you.”

  “Hey, I mean it. You don’t need to be so hard on yourself.” Tessa rested her hands on the steering wheel even though we weren’t moving. “You’re such a great person, and I wish you could see it.”

  “Actually, I’m not.”

  “That’s not what I see.”

  I thought about Jade and Kelsey’s dirt and how I’d tried so hard to hide that from everyone, especially my new friends. But what kind of friendship do I have if I can’t share my innermost thoughts? My fears? My whole self?

  I started to tell Tessa why I’d left them in the lobby and how I’d come upon Mason King and the mare. Once I got going, I didn’t stop. She looked as horrified as I felt when I told how he was beating Ava. And still I kept talking.

  “Remember how upset I got in class?”

  Tessa was listening carefully. “Yeah . . . and broke a chair.”

  “I was picturing the car accident and the last time I’d seen my dad. You asked me if I was angry at God, and sometimes I am. But I’m more angry with myself.”

  “What in the world for?”

  “We were going to a rodeo I wanted to see. My dad was busy, and he had a lot of work to do, but I begged him to go. Finally, he gave in.”

  “Shay, you aren’t—”

  “I was in the car too.” I wiped at my eyes. “I saw it all, and I’m never going to be able to erase that from my mind.”

  Tessa was quiet for a second. “Wow.”

  “And that’s not all.”

  It was now or never. I could dive into the sea of vulnerability and risk the rejection and abandonment I feared, or I could run away from my feelings like I usually did. I knew the choice was mine, and the answer came easier than I thought it would. I wanted my friend to hear this from me, not from Kelsey and Jade.

  “Haven’t you wondered why I started school later than everyone else?”

  Tessa glanced down at the gearshift. “A little.”

  “It’s because . . .” I clamped my arms around myself again to try to get warmer. This was never going to be easy. “I . . . I was in juvie.”

  My friend’s expression went blank for a moment. “Wait, what?”

  “Juvenile detention,” I said, just in case she didn’t get it.

  Tessa stared at me, looking like she wanted to laugh at the absurdity. But I knew the truth. The image I’d somehow managed to project to my friends was not who I really was. I was dark on the inside, just like Mason King.

  “I’m not kidding. I didn’t get released until after school started.”

  Is it all finally making sense to her? Have I just lost any chance to have a real friend? I didn’t wait for her to respond since I wasn’t sure if I could handle her reaction. I needed to tell her the whole story.

  “After the accident, I was living with my grandparents, and for my birthday they gave me horseback riding lessons.” I remembered how excited I was to open up that envelope and see the certificate for a lesson package from a nearby stable. “It was so fun . . . until some of the other girls started making fun of me. I was still so raw emotionally from the accident, and my cuts had barely even healed. One of them called my dad a deadbeat loser, and I lost it.”

  “Oh, Shay, I’m sorry.”

  “I punched her.”

  I couldn’t look at my friend as I said the words. I’d immediately regretted it the second my fist hit the girl, but by then it was too late.

  I stared at my hands. Hands that had actually hurt someone else.

  “She fell down. Hit her head. Concussion.”

  Amazingly, Tessa just nodded. “But why did you end up—?”

  “Her parents are rich, and they wanted me to learn my lesson. They told my grandparents they would sue if I didn’t plead guilty. I don’t know if they had pull with the judge or not, but I got thirty days.”

  “That’s crazy!”

  I shrugged. “Is it? I actually sent someone to the hospital, Tessa. And when I got out, my grandparents had already decided I couldn’t stay with them anymore. That’s why my aunt took me in. They would’ve made me move out sooner, but Aunt Laura had to get her apartment ready.”

  Silence spread through the truck like a fog, and I waited for my words to settle.

  “Mason . . . when he was hurting that horse . . .” I’d thought I was done crying, but my tears came again, and I didn’t bother to fight them. I faced Tessa. “I’m just like him!”

  Tessa pulled her leg up under herself and reached for my hand. “Shay, look at me.”

  I barely could, but I tried.

  “That man we saw in there is nothing like you.”

  “I put a girl in the hospital.” I hit my chest with my fist. “Me. I did that.”

  “You made a mistake,” Tessa said.

  “And where is it going to stop?” My voice was taking on a frantic tone. “I can’t control it sometimes, Tessa. I just get so angry and don’t know how to stop it.”

  Tessa’s grip on my hand firmed. “Shay, you’re one of the kindest, gentlest people I know. That’s your heart.”

  I started to protest, but she stopped me.

  “Are you worthy of forgiveness?” Tessa asked.

  “What?”

  “Are you?”

  “I . . . I don’t know.”

  Tessa smiled. “What I’m trying to say is that none of us is worthy of forgiveness. But God is ready to forgive us anyway. We all mess up. I had to learn that the hard way too. Remember . . . real, not perfect?”

  “But . . . sometimes it’s like a fire inside of me that I can’t put out. I don’t know what to do.”

  “You can learn.” Tessa squeezed my fingers. “But you don’t have to do it alone. A lot of people love you, Shay. Including Izzy and Amelia—and me. We’re not going anywhere.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I sniffed and tried to smile. “It’s just . . . the way Mason hit that horse . . . so, so angry. These sort of things run in families, don’t they? I’ve got his blood in my veins. How can I fight that? What if it’s my destiny to be abusive?”

  Tessa shook her head. “We get to choose who we’re going to be, and you are not your father.”

  But I’d chosen to hit that girl.

  To push Kelsey.

  My thoughts started to spiral again, but Tessa wasn’t done.

  “Family isn’t always about blood,” she said. “Think about it. You were adopted. It’s about the people who raised us and love us for who we really are. Mistakes and all.”

  A stray tear dripped down my cheek. I wanted to believe her. More than she could know.

  “I never had a sister,” I whispered, “but if I did, I’d want her to be like you.”

  Tessa grinned. “Well, you’re stuck with me now.”

  I sat for a moment in silence letting the heater warm me as much as my friend’s words. She really means it, doesn’t she? That she loves me and isn’t going anywhere. This isn’t a One Act for her or a role she’s playing. I could see it in her eyes.

  After a minute I told her about Kelsey and Jade finding out and threatening to tell the whole school. Tessa’s expression turned firm. “Let them.”

  “But—”

  “The people who matter won’t care.”

  Before we could talk more, the doors to the truck flew open, and Izzy and Amelia both climbed in, flinging a million questions at both of us. After a second, I gathered myself.

  “Guys, I’m so sorry for how I acted in there.”

  They both waved me off, and just like that we were back to being friends. Somehow I’d have to tell them everything I’d shared with Tessa. But for now I just told them what I’d seen M
ason King do, and they shared in my horror. Izzy was ready to call the police, but unfortunately, that’s not how these things worked. If Ava didn’t have any visible marks of abuse, they wouldn’t be able to do a thing, and it would be a teen girl’s word against a famous horse trainer with a fanatical following.

  “Why are you wearing Tessa’s sweatshirt?”

  I gave my friend a sheepish look. “Uh . . . got caught in the rain.”

  My phone vibrated in my back pocket, and I decided to check it to avoid another volley of questions.

  “Hold on,” I said.

  There were twelve new texts and three missed calls.

  “How many times did you guys text me?”

  The missed calls were from Aunt Laura. That’s weird. She rarely calls me.

  Ten of the texts were from my friends, but the other two were from my aunt. I clicked on her conversation thread.

  The first came in an hour ago and simply read:

  Please call me.

  The second text was what had just caused my phone to vibrate.

  When I read it, I almost threw up.

  It’s Stanley. He’s been hit by a car. Please call.

  Chapter 32

  I RUSHED INTO THE EMERGENCY VET CLINIC and met Aunt Laura in the lobby.

  “Where is he? Is he okay?”

  My aunt grabbed me by the shoulders. “Shay.”

  “No. Please, no.”

  “It’s bad.”

  “Is he alive?”

  “Barely.”

  My friends and Claire, who’d raced back to the arena for us when Izzy texted her in a panic, entered more slowly and stood off to the side. Izzy swiped at her eyes with a tissue, and Amelia’s usual flare for the dramatic was as dampened as my rain-soaked shirt. Tessa whispered to both of them. I couldn’t hear what she said.

  My aunt sat me down in one of the molded plastic lobby chairs. Maybe I looked like I was going to faint. I felt like it.

  “What . . . happened?”

  “He jumped the fence while they went out to lunch.”

  “They left him outside? He hasn’t gotten used to them yet. And he’s a greyhound! He can’t be out in the cold.”

  Aunt Laura grimaced. “None of that matters now.”