Searching for Normal

by C. J. Darlington

  I stood up, picturing Stanley’s sweet face and how he’d cuddled my leg when I sat on the sofa or burrowed under my covers at night. Had he been shivering and cold, wondering where I was and why I’d abandoned him with strangers? Was he trying to get back to us and that’s why he escaped, or had he simply seen a rabbit or squirrel? I pictured him darting across the street oblivious to danger, giving the car no time to stop. They might’ve slammed on their brakes, but there hadn’t been time. Stanley hadn’t had a chance to escape any more than my dad. “Shay.” Aunt Laura was standing right in front of me.

  I saw the woman behind the desk in scrubs watching us and tried to shake myself back into the present. Stanley needed me.

  “How bad is it?” I sank into the chair again.

  Aunt Laura didn’t answer me right away, which just confirmed the severity. I didn’t know if I could bear it after facing Mason King. How much more am I going to have to take? I wanted to cry and scream and curl up into a ball all at the same time. The devastation with my bio father was one thing. I’d chosen to place myself in that position. But Stanley was innocent. He shouldn’t have to suffer.

  “He’s pretty banged up.” My aunt let out a long breath. “His back leg . . . I don’t think they’ll be able to save it.”

  Oh my gosh. Poor, sweet Stanley. We’d let him down. I knew the organization my aunt volunteered with tried their best to screen their adopters, but they couldn’t know everything, and they needed to get the dogs into new homes as soon as they could so they could save more.

  “Where is his family now?”

  “I’ve been trying to reach them,” Aunt Laura said. “Luckily his chip was still registered with us.”

  Aunt Laura rubbed a circle on my back, and I appreciated her touch. Her cell phone rang, and she stood to take the call when she saw it was Stanley’s owners. My friends rallied around me when she stepped away.

  “Guys, let’s pray,” Izzy said, and Amelia nodded with her.

  “I . . . can’t,” I said.

  Tessa knelt down in front of me. “That’s why we’re here.”

  “Father,” Izzy began, then paused. She took a few deep breaths before she could continue. “We know You care about Shay so much, and Stanley means a lot to her, so I know You care about him, too. He’s in trouble, Lord.”

  I tried not to sob, but my tears wouldn’t stop.

  “We ask You to help him,” Izzy continued. “Show the vet what to do and help him not be in too much pain. Comfort him, and comfort Shay. In Jesus’ name.”

  Everyone said amen, and I attempted to pull myself together. Again. My aunt’s voice was getting louder behind us.

  “I understand it’s a lot of money, but—”

  I turned around. My aunt rubbed her temple. A headache or frustration? She glanced at me, then quickly looked away.

  “Yes, I talked to the vet,” Aunt Laura said.

  A few seconds passed.

  “He’s your dog!”

  My friends and I glanced at one another. It didn’t sound like the conversation was going well. What could those people possibly be saying other than, “We’re on our way?”

  Finally, my aunt hung up and looked like she wanted to throw her phone across the room. I went over to her.

  “Give me a minute, Shay.”

  Okay . . .

  She stepped outside, and all of us watched her through the windows. I couldn’t read her expression. The wind mussed her hair and flung it into her face, but she didn’t move to fix it. She just stared out across the parking lot blinking fast. She had to be getting cold, but still my aunt stood.

  I was about to go out and make sure she was okay when she suddenly spun on her heels and came back inside, a resolve in her eyes.

  “When are they coming?” I asked.

  “They aren’t,” Aunt Laura said.

  I stared at her. “Why not?”

  My aunt sighed, finally pushing her hair out of her face with both hands. She yanked a hair elastic from her pocket and tied it into a ponytail.

  “They want him put down,” she said.

  Izzy gasped and reached out and touched my arm in reassurance, but I was not ready to be reassured. I wasn’t ready for anything close.

  “They . . . can’t do that!”

  “His surgery and everything would cost close to two thousand,” Aunt Laura said. “They don’t have the money.”

  “That’s a lie! You saw their house. They have enough for that!”

  “Shay.”

  “I can’t, Aunt Laura. Please. We have to help him.”

  Aunt Laura took in a long breath and let it out slowly. “I need to talk to the vets again, but I promise I’ll do everything I can.”

  “They can’t abandon him like that,” I whispered.

  One of the vet techs came out and looked expectantly at Aunt Laura. She waved me over. “Can my niece see him?”

  The tech hesitated, checking over her shoulder, and then gave us a nod.

  I left my friends in the lobby and walked down the long corridor past exam rooms. How could a place that healed also be a place where animals died? Antiseptic met my nose, and I tried to breathe through my mouth. It wouldn’t help Stanley if I puked.

  “We have him on pain meds,” the vet tech said.

  I tried to prepare myself for what I’d see, but when she opened the stainless-steel cage on the bottom row of a dozen similar cages, I felt nauseated. Stanley lay on his side, his fur matted with dried blood. It looked as though they’d tried to clean his scrapes, and black stitches poked from a wound on his shoulder.

  Dropping to my knees, I climbed halfway into the cage before anyone could stop me. Stanley didn’t even lift his head.

  “Careful, Shay.”

  I gingerly touched his ear, and his tail quivered and then gave a little thump.

  “Oh, boy . . .” I let my tears fall as I stroked him. “It’s gonna be okay.”

  His back leg was covered with bandages, but blood soaked through the gauze. Isn’t there any way to save it? I knew dogs could get by with three legs, but I just felt so sad that this greyhound, born to run, wouldn’t be able to. At least not the same way. It wasn’t fair.

  I wanted to hold him and make sure he knew I wasn’t ever going to abandon him again, but I didn’t want to hurt him any more than he already was. After a few minutes the vet tech suggested we let him rest, and I reluctantly extracted myself from the cage.

  “Stay strong,” I said to the dog. “You can do this. You’re not alone.”

  Aunt Laura was on her phone again with the adoption organization the second we got back into the lobby. I wanted to stay in case anything changed with Stanley, but she reassured me he was stable and asked Claire and the girls to take me home. I felt like she needed the space to figure all of this out alone but couldn’t say it. I was also about to fall over with exhaustion.

  In the apartment I didn’t ask my friends to hang around, but they did on their own.

  “We’re staying,” Izzy said, and the others agreed. Tessa’s mom would pick them up later.

  I couldn’t offer anything but my exhaustion. As I slumped on the sofa and my friends joined me, I was amazed it didn’t matter. They’d seen me at my worst today, and they were still here.

  Sitting there in my aunt’s tiny living room, I told Izzy and Amelia what I’d shared with Tessa in the truck, hoping they’d be as understanding. When I was done, I waited for their responses.

  “Thank you for trusting us,” Izzy finally said.

  “I wish I could go back and change things,” I said.

  Tessa, who was sitting on the opposite end of the couch from me, leaned forward so she could catch my eye. “We just don’t want you to change.”

  “Right,” Amelia agreed.

  “Because we love you exactly like you are,” Izzy said.

  That made me chuckle. “Even if I can’t act?”

  “Well . . .” Amelia started, then grinned at me so I knew she was kidding.
<
br />   “Even if my father is a jerk horse trainer?”

  “Um, yeah,” Izzy said adamantly. “Because you aren’t him.” She slapped her leg. “I think we should do something to put that man in his place.”

  We spent the next few minutes imagining silly scenarios that would do just that. Like if he had toilet paper hanging out of his pants during a clinic, or if someone “accidentally” put laxative in his coffee. Or a melted chocolate bar on his saddle. Izzy’s little brother must’ve rubbed off on her because she came up with most of them. They were silly, childish things that we knew were totally inappropriate, but in that moment, I needed to laugh, and somehow picturing Mason King sitting on a whoopee cushion made me feel better.

  There wasn’t much to eat in the apartment, but Izzy found the ingredients for peanut butter cookies. She busied herself baking a tray of them, which we ate with milk while binge-watching one of Izzy’s favorite baking shows.

  By the time my aunt got home, I felt like I could at least face reality.

  She dropped her keys and phone on the kitchen table.

  “They’re taking Stanley to surgery on Monday,” she said.

  My friends and I glanced at each other, and then Izzy shot her fist into the air and Amelia whooped.

  “Wait, does that mean . . . ?”

  “They’re giving him back to our organization,” Aunt Laura said.

  “But the bills, how are—?”

  “I don’t know yet, but the vet is going to work with us.”

  My aunt looked about as tired as I felt. The skin under her eyes was dark, and her shoulders slumped. She shuffled over to the coffee maker, but I intercepted her and gave her the biggest hug I’d ever given someone outside of Tessa today.

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  She hugged me back.

  Chapter 33

  I WALKED INTO SCHOOL ON MONDAY and instantly realized everyone knew. The surreptitious glances. The whispers. It felt like everyone was staring at Shay Mitchell.

  But now that the word was out, it wasn’t what I expected. A guy with long hair everyone knew sold weed actually nodded at me. A girl from marching band pointed her phone at me with a thumbs up, and another girl who always came to school on her skateboard made eye contact when she normally ignored me.

  It wasn’t all positive though. Some crew-cut dude I thought I recognized from Chemistry made an L with his fingers as I walked by, and someone “accidentally” jostled me in passing.

  I made it to my locker and did my best to remember what Tessa said about the people who mattered not caring. It’s not like I was the only girl here who’d gotten in trouble before, but after this weekend I didn’t have the energy to face much more.

  I dropped my backpack in my locker and pulled out my World History textbook. Stanley was alive, and that’s all I really cared about. I could deal with the rest. Somehow.

  “So. How’s it feel?”

  Turning around, I faced Kelsey and Jade.

  “How does what feel?” I asked.

  “Being the talk of the school’s a big deal, you know.” Jade pulled out her phone and took more shots of me for her Instagram. I didn’t want to know what the captions would be. A flicker of that familiar anger tried to rise up. Rather than fight it, I took a second and just felt it. Okay, so I’m angry. It’s what I do with the feeling that matters, right?

  It was a struggle to keep my cool, but I was determined. “I don’t mind as much as I thought I would,” I said.

  The girls glanced at each other, and I almost smiled. I think I threw them off.

  “Everyone knows what a loser you are now,” Kelsey said.

  “Of course, we knew that all along,” Jade added.

  “Hmm. Guess you did. Gold stars for both of you.”

  Jade pocketed her phone, and Kelsey let out a little laugh that didn’t seem as confident as before. “Everyone knows, Shay. Everyone knows you were in juvie,” Kelsey said, saying juvie loud enough for the kids around to hear.

  “Good. I’m glad.”

  They both stared at me for a second, as if they were dogs encountering their first porcupine. Maybe they wanted to swoop in for the kill, but one look at my quills and they hesitated. I almost laughed at my silly analogy. I’d have to share it with Izzy later. I crossed my arms, feeling bolder. I held my textbook to my chest. “Now you have nothing on me. Did you think about that?”

  Before the girls could respond, Tessa, Izzy, and Amelia were standing beside me.

  Izzy reached out her hand. “Hey, there. I’m Izzy. And you must be the girls who thought it was a good idea to bully my friend.”

  Kelsey looked at Izzy’s outstretched hand like it was a lizard.

  Tessa rested her arm on my shoulder, and Amelia did the same on the other side.

  “If she’s a loser, then we all are,” Amelia said.

  “Got that right,” Kelsey muttered.

  My friends smiled their sweetest smiles and stood there surrounding me. For the first time in a long time, I felt like maybe things were going to be all right.

  “I love being a loser,” Izzy said, and for some reason that made her giggle. Then her giggles spread to Amelia and Tessa, and as the three of them laughed like hyenas, I began laughing too.

  Kelsey and Jade backed up, as if whatever silliness disease we had was contagious. Maybe it was.

  Alex spotted us from down the hallway and ran over. “Hey, did I miss the party?”

  Chad and Wilson joined us a few seconds later, along with two other girls from drama class. And before we knew it, all of us were making such a scene laughing over nothing, I worried someone would call the principal.

  When I finally caught my breath and looked up, Kelsey and Jade were gone.

  I lay in bed that night with my phone. I pulled up YouTube, and the first recommendation was a new Mason King video. The thumbnail showed Mason loping on his black gelding, fringed chaps and cowboy hat making him look like a cowboy from the Old West.

  Maybe someday I’d go back and rewatch the videos I used to enjoy. Maybe someday I’d attend another clinic and tell him who I really was. And maybe someday I could look at his face and not recoil in disgust.

  But today I unsubscribed from his channel.

  Stanley’s surgery was successful, I texted my friends.

  The vet had called Aunt Laura at dinnertime to let her know Stanley was waking up and recovering nicely. He was still doped up on pain meds, but it wouldn’t be long before they weaned him off those.

  Izzy: I’m so glad!!!

  Amelia: I was praying it would be.

  Tessa: Me too.

  Me: Thanks, guys.

  Izzy: When is he coming home?

  Good question.

  Not sure, I responded.

  Amelia: I’ve been thinking about the Christmas play.

  Tessa: No! LOL

  Izzy: UGH.

  Amelia: Wait!!! Hear me out!!!

  I didn’t want to shut down my friend, but I wasn’t in the mood for arguing about drama class. Amelia’s exuberance might fit perfectly on her, but I couldn’t seem to wear it.

  Amelia: I’ve decided to do it myself. A one-woman Christmas One Act. I have three to choose from. All proceeds will go to Stanley’s vet bills.

  Izzy: What???

  Tessa: But how?

  Amelia: Don’t anyone try to stop me! It’s already in the works. Ms. Larkin’s helping me, and we’re looking for a time on the school calendar.

  Izzy: I’ll make cupcakes to sell!!!

  Tessa: Mom and I can design posters.

  I stared at my phone. Really? They are serious?

  Aunt Laura hadn’t gotten into many of the financial details with me, but I knew the adoption organization wouldn’t be able to cover all the bills. When I’d tried to ask her about it, my aunt had told me she’d find a way, even if she had to sell half her inventory.

  My phone blew up with my friends’ ideas. I gave up trying to answer. All I could do was watch their texts fly
. After a few minutes I finally got in a response:

  Me: Wow. You guys are so sweet!

  Izzy: Not as sweet as Stanley.

  Later, after I turned off my light and my phone, I stared up at the ceiling. I still didn’t know if Kelsey’s parents were going to press charges against me, since I’d found out it was her mom who called my aunt. It was possible they wouldn’t since my aunt had divulged the info about Kelsey stealing from her store. But if they did, one thing I knew for sure. My friends were going to be there.

  Chapter 34

  THE NEXT DAY TESSA DROVE ME to Green Tree Farm after school. I’d finally talked to Aunt Laura about maybe working there some mornings, and she agreed to at least let me talk to Janie about it again.

  As we walked toward the barn, a few snowflakes drifted from the sky. I stopped, opened my mouth, and tried to catch them.

  “You’re a goof,” Tessa said with a laugh.

  Janie met us outside the barn. “You’re also late.”

  “Sorry. Traffic.”

  This time the horses had been brought in for the night, so as we meandered down the barn aisle, the horses popped their heads over their Dutch doors. A few nickered when they saw Janie, probably hoping it was time for grain.

  In the last stall, at the opposite end of the barn, Ava stood in the back corner of her stall, just like when I’d first met her. When I saw her face, a pang of guilt hit me.

  “I’m so sorry I couldn’t stop him from hurting you,” I whispered to her.

  The mare saw us and came over. There were no marks on her body from where Mason had whipped her, but sometimes scars ran deeper than that.

  Ava nuzzled Tessa’s coat.

  “She’s beautiful,” Tessa said.

  “Can’t believe her idiot owner took her up there,” Janie said, never one to mince words. “I would’ve told her to save her money and let me help.”

  “Ava was terrified,” I said.

  “Don’t doubt it.”

  “I’m glad she’s here at least.”

  Janie rested her hands on her ample hips. “Yeah, well, not for long.”

  My heart sank. “What?”