Hold the Forevers

by K. A. Linde

  Ash stiffened. “For PT school?”

  I nodded.

  “Why?”

  Our eyes met.

  “You know why.”

  “Ah,” he said, his jaw tightening. “I didn’t realize you two were still talking.”

  “We aren’t really,” I admitted. “But it felt like maybe we would if I moved there.”

  “That’s a big move for a maybe.”

  He wasn’t wrong. I’d thought about it so much over the last six months of applications. But a part of me knew that if I went there, it would work out. The only reason Cole and I had ever had real problems was distance and the man sitting right next to me.

  “What are you going to do?”

  I choked. “I don’t know.”

  “Okay. Think about it like this: if something happened with your mom and you were a thousand miles away, how would you feel?”

  “I can hardly stomach the idea of being four hours away.”

  “Then that’s your answer.”

  Fuck. I hated when he was right. And I knew he was. There was only one answer. It had nothing to do with Cole and everything to do with my mom. I’d never forgive myself if I wasn’t here when she needed me.

  “Thanks, Ash.”

  He released my shoulder now that I didn’t look like I was going to fall apart. “Always, Lila.”

  Our eyes met, and something passed between us. A current of energy. The same feeling I’d always had with Ash. Even through my anger.

  I coughed and shuffled a little further away. He was dating someone. I had been prepared to move across the country for Cole. Ash might be acting like my friend right now, but I hadn’t been wrong when I said we were complicated.

  “You should get back to Heather,” I said carefully.

  He nodded and stood. “I probably should.”

  “I should talk to Cole.”

  His gaze was dark as he said, “Tell him I said hi.”

  I glared at him. “Don’t be an ass.”

  He smirked. “Can’t help myself. I kind of hate that guy.”

  “I’m sure the feeling is mutual.”

  “I’m sure it is,” he said as he bent down and kissed my cheek. “Call me if you need me.”

  Then he strode away, leaving me alone to call Cole and ruin any chance we’d had at getting back together. He practically had a skip in his step. Bastard.

  23

  Savannah

  August 3, 2012

  I stepped out of the hospital room. My stomach felt wobbly as I returned to the lobby.

  “You’re all set,” the man at reception said to me.

  “Thanks,” I said, taking another sip of the juice box the nurse had given me when I’d had my blood drawn.

  Ash waited for me in the lobby with his head buried in his phone. He’d told me on the way over that he was reading the recently released thriller, Gone Girl. His head popped up when I walked out, and his frown deepened.

  “Are you okay?”

  I shrugged. “Apparently, my blood pressure was low. I did too much research before we got here and freaked myself out. Plus, blood.”

  “That sounds like you.”

  “They said I should hear in a few days if I’m a match, and then if I am, I can come back in for more tests.”

  “To check your kidney’s health?”

  I nodded.

  We’d discussed all of this ahead of time. Ash listened as I spiraled into the medical side of the internet. I went way overboard, but I couldn’t seem to stop researching. The only reason I’d put off getting tested this long was because my mom had insisted that she didn’t want me to get tested.

  I’d decided that I couldn’t wait any longer. Ash agreed to take me to my appointment since I was squeamish. I hadn’t told my mom. The average person was on the transplant list for three to five years, but I’d rather know if I was a match than wait until it was too late.

  “Maybe we should get you some lunch,” he said as we left the hospital behind.

  We walked over to his brand-new dark blue Mercedes, and he helped me into the passenger seat.

  “I have a better idea,” I said once he was seated. “I know I start PT school in, like, two weeks, but I want to get a puppy. I didn’t pull the trigger when I lived in Atlanta because I didn’t want to deal with one while living in an apartment.”

  “But now, you have a house.”

  I nodded. I’d rented a small two-bedroom downtown after I decided to attend PT school here in Savannah to be closer to Mom. I was renting with Marley’s twin brother, Maddox, who was like a brother to me and had always not-so-secretly crushed on Josie. He had a floppy shih tzu mix that mostly lounged on the couch all day. We’d agreed, no cats.

  “Yes, a puppy will make me feel better.”

  Ash shook his head. “I shouldn’t have worn a suit.”

  “You always wear a suit.”

  “It’s kind of my job.”

  “Whatever. Don’t try to act all fancy on me.”

  “That never appealed to you anyway.”

  True. It never had.

  Fifteen minutes later, we arrived at the Savannah Humane Society.

  “Hi, can I help you?” a woman asked from behind the desk as we stepped inside.

  “I’ve come to adopt a dog,” I said.

  “Oh, wonderful. Have you been here before?”

  “No. Kind of spur of the moment.”

  “Well, great! I’m sure one of our dogs would love to go home with y’all.”

  Of course it looked like Ash and I were about to pick out a dog together. I opened my mouth to object, but Ash put a hand on my lower back. Our eyes met in the small space. It wasn’t an absurd suggestion and probably more awkward to say something than to let it stand.

  “Yes, I can’t wait,” I said instead.

  The woman went through all the adoption information with me, and then finally, I got to find a puppy. My heart ached to walk the building. So many puppies without homes. I wanted to adopt them all.

  I turned the final corner and found the most adorable little dachshund jumping at the bars. She had the silkiest dark brown fur with a long nose and big puppy eyes. It was love at first sight.

  “Oh my God, look at you,” I gushed.

  She was teeny. Clearly not exactly a puppy anymore, but so very little. I stuck my hand out, and she nuzzled into it and then licked my fingers.

  “Yes, you are the cutest thing, aren’t you?”

  “She suits you,” Ash said behind me.

  “Do you love her too?” I asked, looking up at him.

  His eyes shifted from the puppy to me. “Yes, I do love her.”

  My cheeks flushed at the words and the way he looked at me. I hastily returned my gaze to the dog.

  Ash and I had been spending time together and texting, but he had Heather. That was safer and better for him. We were too complicated, and I’d spent so long not trusting him that it felt all new and different to be here as friends. To actually feel like I was starting to trust him again.

  “I want her.”

  The woman from the desk came out and put a leash on the dog. We walked her around the premises and played with her, off leash, in a pen. I was smitten. There was no doubt about it; this was the dog for me.

  “I’m so glad that you found a dog for you!” the woman said after I finished filling out paperwork and paying the fee. “What are you going to name her?”

  I looked at the puppy, and my stomach flipped. I knew exactly what I was going to name her. The name had been picked out for me almost a year earlier. There was no way she could be anything else.

  “Sunny.”

  We went to a local pet store and purchased everything I thought Sunny would need and more—carrier, crate, beds, toys, food, treats. The list felt endless, and I winced at the final number. Ash scooted me out of the way and paid for the whole thing against my protests.

  “I can afford it!” I insisted angrily.

  “I know you can, but
I want to help you take care of her.”

  “Ash …”

  “It’s done, Lila. Just say thank you.”

  I sighed. “Thank you, but you shouldn’t have done it.”

  He shrugged. “I wanted to. She’s too perfect, and she needs all the things.”

  There was no arguing with him. Unless I returned it all and then rebought it, there wasn’t much else I could do. And I decided to be grateful.

  “Plus, I got her a bed and food and treats for my place too.”

  “You think I’m going to let her out of my sight?”

  He shot me a look. “I guess you’ll have to come over more.”

  “I’m sure Heather will love that.”

  “She knows we’re just friends.”

  He said the words, but they rang false. How could Ash and I ever just be friends?

  We got all of Sunny’s new things into the trunk. I set her on my lap, plying her with love and treats as we drove across town. I barely looked up until we reached Ash’s place. My Hyundai was parked on the street, where I’d left it before we went for my appointment. The ghost of it had left me behind with my puppy’s enthusiasm.

  I got her on a leash and let her do her business in the bushes by his place before following him inside.

  “Okay, Sunny, try not to pee on anything,” I said with a laugh at Ash’s stricken face. Then I took her off the leash, and she sprinted into the house.

  “Oh!” a voice gasped from the kitchen. “Who are you?”

  Ash and I looked at each other. Fuck. Heather was here.

  “Yes, hello, aren’t you so sweet?” Heather appeared in the living room, holding my dog, who was indiscriminately licking her.

  “Oh,” she said again as she looked between us. Ash holding all of Sunny’s new equipment while I still held her leash. “What’s going on?”

  “Hey, Heather,” I said, trying for normal and calm. “That’s Sunny. I got her from the Humane Society.”

  “She’s your dog?” she asked.

  “Uh, yeah.”

  “What is she doing here?”

  “I went with Lila to pick her out.”

  Heather squinted at him, carefully putting Sunny back on the ground. She crossed her arms. “You went with your ex-girlfriend to get a dog?”

  That was my cue to leave. I sank to the floor. “Come here, Sunny.”

  “Well, I told you that I was helping her go to the doctor.”

  “Right. Which I thought was strange to begin with.”

  “Sunny,” I said, patting my knees.

  The dog didn’t seem to care or know its name yet. It was circling Heather and sniffing her.

  “And then after that, y’all went to get a dog together?”

  “It’s Lila’s dog,” he told her. But he was using the placating voice. I knew what that one meant. Every girl did.

  “So, why do you have a bunch of stuff for it? Is the dog staying here? Is Lila staying here?”

  “No,” Ash said. “But look at her. She’s adorable. I’m kind of attached.”

  Heather’s face darkened at those words. “Are you talking about the dog or Lila, Ash?”

  I grimaced, giving up on Sunny listening to me. I scooped her up into my arms and reattached the leash. “I’m going to just go home.”

  “Oh no,” Heather said, seething. “No reason to leave on my account.” She grabbed her purse off of the coffee table. “I should have seen this coming.”

  “Heather, come on,” Ash said. “This isn’t what it looks like.”

  “What does it look like?”

  “Nothing,” I said quickly, backing toward the door. “It’s nothing.”

  “I think it is something. When Ash told me your whole sordid story, I thought he was moving past it. That we could work despite his past with a girl who clearly didn’t appreciate him. I’ve bitten my tongue at the just friends bit for long enough.”

  “Heather—”

  “But I was wrong. You’re not over her. You’re fucking obsessed with her.”

  I winced at her words. The surety as she spat them at him.

  “The one who got away and who your parents didn’t like and who you had to fight for. And I’m tired of trying to compete with that.”

  Heather shouldered past us both and burst out of Ash’s house. He stood there for a full second, as if in shock that she’d walked out on him.

  He looked at me in distress.

  “Go after her!” I cried, pushing his shoulder.

  Ash dashed out of the house, running after his girlfriend. I picked up the rest of my stuff while Sunny jumped up on the couch and made herself comfortable.

  “Well, that makes one of us,” I grumbled at her.

  I wanted to leave, but I didn’t want to be outside while Heather was yelling at him either. It had been awkward enough, being here as she’d gone off. And I hardly blamed her. I probably should have stayed away from Ash. Let him have his relationship just the way it was. Healthy and happy. But staying away had been impossible. It always had been.

  Ash came back inside ten minutes later. He looked like he’d been beaten up. His hair a wreck. His suit disheveled. His eyes wide and lost.

  “Fuck,” was all that came out when he sank into the couch next to Sunny.

  She settled into his lap, curling into a tiny ball. He stroked her back.

  “So, that … was a disaster.”

  “Yeah. Fuck.”

  “Is she going to give you another chance?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t know what the fuck she’s going to do.”

  “Sorry.”

  Finally, he looked up at me. Those blue eyes so set on me. “Well, she wasn’t wrong.”

  I flushed. “Ash …”

  “You have to know that I’m still in love with you.”

  My body broke out into goose bumps at the words. Of course I knew. I wasn’t immune to him any more than he was to me. But I also wasn’t ready for that. Ready for anything from him. Especially not minutes after his breakup.

  “We can’t do this, Ash.”

  “Why not?”

  “Heather just dumped you.”

  “I know,” he said with a sigh. “I know that.”

  “I can’t be a rebound or hidden or anything. That’s not fair to me or to her. We need to trust each other, to actually be friends before this could ever happen.”

  “So, there’s hope,” he said with a sad smile.

  “Be alone, Ash. Just … be alone for once.” I picked Sunny up off of his lap. “Then, maybe …”

  “That’s a lot for a maybe,” he said, repeating what he’d said to me about Cole months earlier.

  “Maybe it is. But only you can figure out if it’s worth it.”

  Then I walked my puppy out of his place.

  24

  Savannah

  December 31, 2012

  Marley popped open another bottle of champagne. The good stuff—yellow-label Veuve. It was pretty much the only champagne that Ash would drink, which was why he’d stocked the yacht with it for his blowout New Year’s Eve party.

  “Are you sure this is a good idea?” Marley asked as she poured flutes for me, Maddox, and Maddox’s girlfriend, Teena.

  “This being?”

  “Look, I like that we can use his yacht and drink his fancy champagne and shit,” Marley said. “But should you be dating him?”

  “Shut it, Mars,” Maddox growled. “We get these benefits too.”

  Teena laughed. “It’s pretty amazing.”

  “I’m just being practical,” Marley argued.

  “Josie asked the same thing,” I said.

  Marley snorted. “Josie did not ask that. Josie blew a fucking fuse when she found out that you and Ash were—quote—‘casually seeing each other again.’ ”

  “Well, Josie holds grudges.”

  “She sure does,” Maddox said. “You definitely shouldn’t listen to what Josie says.”

  “Shut up, Maddox,” Marley snapped. “Ju
st because you and Josie are at each other’s throats has nothing on this situation.”

  He shrugged. “Josie’s just Josie.”

  “She is,” I agreed. I’d watched Josie and Maddox step around each other since we were teenagers. He’d been smitten in high school and then something had happened when she’d been at SCAD that neither of them talked about. Since then Maddox had been so weird about Josie, and Josie shrugged it off.

  “Anyway,” Marley said with an eye roll. “I’m just saying … maybe you should learn to hold grudges too.”

  “They take so much energy. And anyway, Josie isn’t one to talk. She went and eloped with her costar on Christmas. Didn’t even invite us!”

  “Sounds right,” Maddox said under his breath.

  “She’s a whole other topic. My best friends are so much work.”

  “You love us.”

  “I do. But I’m still worried about you.”

  “Look, what happened with Ash was so long ago. We were kids, and I don’t even know how much of what happened was what Shelly even said.”

  “Okay, let’s choose to ignore that statement. Because that’s a lot to unpack, considering we’ve spent the last five years deriding him for every little problem.” Marley took a sip of the champagne.

  “I know we did. I was there. I remember how much it hurt.”

  “Can I interject?” Maddox asked.

  “No!” Marley said.

  “Ash seems like a nice guy. He loves Lila and Sunny.”

  Marley waved her hands at her twin brother. “That’s enough from you. You weren’t there after prom and you didn’t hear about what happened at Frat Beach.”

  I blew out heavily. “I get it, Mars. But we’ve spent the last couple months not dating. Just being friends. And it feels different this time. I’m not walking into this blind. I want to be with Ash.”

  Marley shrugged. “Okay, I said my piece. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”