When I Was Yours

by Samantha Towle

  But tonight is Adam’s bachelor party. Max insisted on it, considering he’d missed out on throwing Adam one before we got married, and he talked Adam into it with a kind reminder that he was pissed that he couldn’t be there when Adam and I got married.

  That worked. So, Max has organized a night out with Grady and the guys from the Shack. They’re going to hit up some bars, and because Adam and Max are too young to drink, my husband and his best friend will be making good use of their fake IDs tonight.

  Casey and my night together is going to be a mini bachelorette party, consisting of Disney movies and eating candy. And I couldn’t think of a better way to spend it.

  “I don’t have to go out.” Adam comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. He smells freshly showered with aftershave.

  Shoving the last of my dirty clothes into the laundry basket, I turn to him. I’m starting laundry before I leave because I’ve run out of clean work clothes, and I need some for tomorrow. On top of everything else, the washer at the apartment is broken.

  He looks so handsome in his black shirt and blue jeans with his hair tied back from his face.

  “No, go out, and have fun,” I tell him, lifting my hand to his face. I run my fingertips over his scruff.

  “Well, at least let me drive you to the apartment before I go.” He turns his face into my hand, kissing my palm.

  I glance at the clock on the wall, seeing the time. “You can’t. You’re going out soon. I need to put this laundry in the wash. Then, I’m gonna wait for it to finish, so I can throw it in the dryer. That way, it’ll be ready for me in the morning.”

  “I can wait with you until it’s done.”

  I let out a laugh. “There is no way that Max will wait an hour for my wash cycle to finish.” I press my hand to his chest. “It’s fine. I’ll get the bus.”

  “I don’t like you getting the bus, and it’ll be dark out by then.”

  “I know, but I’ll be fine. The stop is right outside. And Dad is going to meet me at the other end.”

  He stares at me for a long moment. “Okay. But you’re gonna need these clothes in the morning?”

  “Yeah, I’ll stop by before work, so I can get changed.”

  “No, I’ll come to the apartment in the morning and bring your clothes to you. Then, I’ll drive you to work. Okay, wife?” He brushes his nose over mine, shifting closer.

  “Yes, husband.” I grin, knowing the reaction I’ll get.

  He groans, pushing his hips against mine. I can feel him getting hard already.

  “God, hearing you say that…”

  “I know.” I slip my hands around his back.

  “Hey, fucker!” We hear Max’s voice yell up the stairs. “Taxi’s here!”

  Adam lets out a sigh and then releases me.

  I pick up the laundry bag, but he takes it from me, and I follow him downstairs.

  Max is already outside, heading for the taxi, and the front door is open.

  “Where are you meeting Grady and the guys?” I ask Adam.

  “Duke’s,” he tells me. “Gonna grab something to eat first and then hit up some bars.”

  “Well, have fun.”

  “I’ll try.” He puts the laundry bag down and wraps his arms around me. “But it’ll be hard without you there.”

  He presses his lips to mine, kissing me deep. I wrap my arms around his neck.

  Breaking off, breathing heavily, he presses his forehead to mine. “Change of plans tomorrow. I’ll come pick you up earlier. You can get changed here—after I’ve finished making love to you. How does that sound?”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  “Put her down, and hurry the fuck up, Gunner!” Max shouts from the taxi. “I have some serious drinking to do and you’re wasting precious time! You’re gonna see her again in a few hours, for fuck’s sake!”

  Adam glances out the door at Max. He lifts a finger, signaling a minute.

  He looks back to me. “So, I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “You will.”

  He kisses me one last time. Then, he lets me go.

  “Tomorrow morning. You and me, naked.” He grins, stepping back through the open door.

  I hold on to the edge of the door, leaning against it. “It’s a date.”

  “Love you, Mrs. Gunner.”

  “Love you, too, husband.” I smile as I enunciate the word, knowing what it does to him.

  He lets out a groan before he turns away and gets into the taxi.

  I watch them go, waving at them, before shutting the door.

  I grab my bag of laundry and lug it to the laundry room.

  Laundry is on, and I’m sitting out on the patio, sketching on a piece of paper I grabbed from Adam’s printer and a pencil I found lying next to it because I’m too lazy to go upstairs and grab my sketchpad from his bedroom. I’m catching the last of the day’s light before night draws in.

  I hardly get a chance to draw anymore, so this is a nice change.

  I’m doing a sketch of Adam. It’s of him looking back at me, right before he got into the taxi.

  I have Adam all drawn, and I’m working on the back outline when I hear the doorbell ring.

  Putting the paper down, I make my way through the house to the front door.

  Reaching up on my tiptoes, I check the peephole, and my breath catches.

  I take a step back.

  What is she doing here? With everything I have going on at the moment, I could really do without having to deal with her.

  Preparing myself I take a fortifying breath, then, I unlock the door and pull it open to the sight of Ava Gunner.

  “Evie.” She smiles, but it’s as fake as every part of her.

  “Adam isn’t here.” My tone is cool. I can’t help it. I hate the way she’s treated Adam, and I’m not going to pretend it’s okay, or that I like her.

  “I know. I came to see you.”

  I freeze. “Why?”

  “We have things to discuss.”

  I give a confused look. “I don’t think you and I have anything to discuss.”

  “Oh, we do.”

  Tired of this already, I say, “Seriously, we don’t. Now, if you don’t mind.” I go to close the door, but she presses a hand to it, stopping me.

  That pisses me off. My eyes flicker to the large man standing by the limousine, who is watching our interaction with hawk-like eyes.

  I bring my stare back to Ava. “Look”—I lower my voice—“I know you’re a big Hollywood star, and you’re used to having people do as you say, but I’m not one of them.”

  “Really?” She tsks. “Is that any way to speak to your new mother?”

  I scoff. “You’re not my mother. You’re barely Adam’s mother.”

  “Evie, I’m not here to pick a fight with you. I’m here because I have a proposition for you.”

  “And I’m positive that whatever you have to say, I definitely do not want to hear it.”

  I’m just about to slam the door in her face when she says, “Not even if it could save your sister’s life?”

  I stop the door and blankly stare back at her. “Is that a threat?”

  “No. On the contrary, I’m offering a way to help save Casey. I know she’s dying. The chemotherapy didn’t work, and the doctor has stopped her treatment.”

  Pain starts to crawl up my throat. “How do you know all of this?” My words are quiet, sore.

  “I make it my business to know everything, especially when it comes to my son.”

  “You don’t know everything.” I fold my arms, defiant. “You didn’t know we were married until he told you a few days ago, days after we had gotten married.” My words are petty, but I’m not exactly feeling mature right now.

  She smiles. It’s a winner’s smile, and it sends unease crawling up my spine. “Oh, Evie, I knew the second that you got married because Adam used his credit card to pay for your little wedding, the credit card I have control of. I know everything. And I know your si
ster has months to live, if she’s lucky, and that the doctor has tried everything over the years to save her—surgery, radiation therapy, more surgery, chemo. Drug after drug, and nothing is working. The tumor just keeps coming back. I also know her doctor tried his hardest to get her into a clinical trial, but none were available to her.”

  I’m standing here—my heart pumping in my chest, my stomach churning—because I just know that whatever it is she’s going to say is going to leave me with a choice to make.

  And if it’s the choice I think it is…then I’ve already made it.

  “But what if I told you that I know people? Powerful people. And they told me about this new secret clinical trial for brain cancer that’s about to start in San Francisco. It’s not known to the wider market. It’s a brand-new drug that is showing advanced results already. Life-saving results. A drug that could potentially save your sister’s life. And what if I told you that I have a place for Casey on that trial?”

  Casey. A place for her on a clinical trial. That could save her life.

  I won’t have to lose my sister.

  I look Ava in the eyes and say, “Then, I would ask what you want in return.”

  She smiles a sick, twisted kind of smile. “You’re smarter than I first had you down for, Evie. Why don’t I come inside? You can pour me a whiskey, and we’ll discuss the details.”

  I stare at her for a long moment, my heart pounding, knowing I’m about to make a deal with the devil. And I know, in that deal, I’m going to lose something…someone important, really important.

  But Casey…

  I take a deep breath.

  Then, I pull the door open wider and stand aside, letting the devil in.

  I step out of the car and then thank the driver as he hands me my overnight bag.

  It’s Sunday morning, and I’ve just gotten back home from Malibu.

  When Adam walked out of his bedroom, leaving me there, I went back to the guest room and stayed there. I’m ashamed to say I hid in that room all night. I spent a lot of time staring at the wall, longing for him, with the smell of him still on my skin.

  Finally, I forced myself into the shower and went to bed early.

  I lay awake for a long time, listening for any sound of movement in the house, but there was nothing. I didn’t know if he was still there or not, and I was too afraid to go check. I must’ve dozed off at some point because I awoke to the sound of an engine revving early in the morning.

  My first thought was that it was Adam, that he was leaving, and my stomach sank.

  I quickly left my room and went downstairs. There was a note waiting for me on the coffee table.

  It said that he had to leave early, a problem at work, and a car would be here to pick me up to take me home at ten a.m.

  I knew the work thing was a lie. He just didn’t want to be stuck in a car with me for an hour, and I couldn’t blame him for that, no matter how much it hurt and how sick it made me feel.

  He had told me that I could either tell him the truth or let him go.

  My silence was my decision.

  Why would he want to be around me after that?

  Honestly, I don’t want to be around me sometimes.

  So, I got dressed and went for a walk on the beach because I didn’t know what else to do until it was time for my ride home.

  I unlock the front door to our apartment, letting myself inside. Dad’s sitting at our little dining table, newspaper spread out on it with his coffee to the left, his hand curled around the mug.

  The sight brings a small smile to my lips.

  Everyone reads the newspaper online nowadays, but my dad still likes to go and buy his morning paper and read it with a coffee.

  “Hey,” I say. “Where’s Casey?”

  “Still sleeping. She was out last night.” He looks up from his paper. “Uh-oh. What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” I put my bag down.

  “That’s not your nothing face. That’s your something-has-happened face. The same face you had a few weeks ago after you’d seen Adam for the first time in ten years. Only, this time, you look worse.”

  “So, basically, you’re saying I look like crap. Gee, thanks, Dad.”

  I sit down, reach over, and take his coffee mug from his hand. I take a sip and then give it back to him.

  “You went to Malibu with Adam, didn’t you?”

  I told Dad that I was going. I just didn’t say it was with Adam. That was why I had Adam pick me up outside the building, so Dad wouldn’t see.

  “Mmhmm,” I answer noncommittally.

  “And you’ve been seeing him all this time, haven’t you?”

  “Mmhmm.”

  “And you haven’t told him the truth about why you left, and now, it’s all come to a head—hence, the face.”

  “You got me bugged or something?” I open my jacket up, examining it.

  “Funny. But, no, I’m just know a dad who knows his daughter.” He folds his paper up and puts it aside. “It’s time to tell Adam the truth, Evie.”

  I give him a look. “I can’t.”

  “Can’t isn’t a reason.”

  “Fine. I don’t know how to tell him.”

  “It’s simple.”

  “No, it’s not. I made a deal with Ava. I can’t go back on that. What if I do, and Karma bites me in the ass for it?” I know Dad doesn’t believe in that stuff, but I do. I believe every action has a consequence. Every wrong will be righted, one way or another.

  “I’m pretty sure Karma has Ava on its list—high on its list—with this very reason right by her name. I think you’ll get a free pass with Karma on this one, Evie.”

  “Yeah, but…” I blow out a breath. “In a twisted way, I owe Ava, Dad. She saved Casey’s life.”

  “She didn’t save Casey’s life. She gave us the opportunity to be able to. And it’s not like she did it out of the goodness of her heart. She took from you as much as she gave.”

  He’s right. I know he is, but…

  “How do I tell Adam? How do I even start?”

  “You start at the beginning.”

  “I just…” I drag a hand through my hair. “I don’t want to hurt him any more than I already have.”

  “You’re hurting him right now.”

  “Dad…” I wince.

  “No. I’m sorry, Evie, but you need to hear this. If Adam is the same kid I knew ten years ago, then you’re hurting him. That kid loved you. He loved you like I loved your mom. It’s that once-in-a-lifetime kind of love.”

  “He doesn’t feel like that anymore.” I shake my head, my eyes starting to fill with tears.

  “That kind of love doesn’t die because of time or distance, Evie. Believe me, I know.” There’s an ache in his voice, which makes me hurt more. “It’s always there, burning away. And Adam’s might be hidden and buried under a lot of anger and pain at the moment, but it is still there. He just needs to find his way back to it. But that can only happen with you being honest with him.”

  “But what if—”

  “There are no what-ifs, Evie. You should have told him at the time. I should have made you and stopped what was happening. Maybe we could have done things differently. Got Casey that treatment some other way. If I’d—”

  “No. There was nothing you could have done. You had already done everything you could. Bending to what Ava wanted was all I could do. She held all the cards.”

  “But it meant that you lost everything.”

  “I didn’t lose everything. I still had you and Casey. That was the most important thing.”

  “You had to make a sacrifice, one you shouldn’t have had to make. Not at your age. Not at any age.”

  “I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I would never choose differently.” No matter how much it hurt. It would have hurt more to lose Casey.

  At least I knew Adam was out there, living and breathing, even if it was without me.

  Dad lets out a hard sigh because he knows I’m right. He would have made
the same choice if he were in the same position. He’d have done it without a thought.

  I might have made the choice, but I did think about it, just for a second. I paused because of how much I loved Adam.

  “Just…tell him the truth, Evie. He has a right to know.” My dad picks his coffee mug up and gets up from the table. “I’m going to make some pancakes. Casey will be up soon, and she’ll be hungry. You want some?”

  “No, I’m good. Dad?”

  He stops by the kitchen door.

  “What if I tell him, and he doesn’t understand why I did what I did? What if he doesn’t forgive me?”

  “How could he not? You chose to save a life over having one with him. He would have done the same.”

  “I know, but…I should have told him sooner.”

  “Yeah, you should have. But we all make mistakes, Evie. Just stop looking for reasons not to tell him and start looking at all the reasons you should.”

  I sit there, tracing patterns on the tablecloth. Left with Dad’s words in my ears, I think about Adam, think about what I should do.

  Then, I think about what I saw at the beach house in his old bedroom.

  Getting up, I go to my bedroom. I open my closet door and reach up, getting the shoebox I keep on the shelf.

  I open it up, looking down at the mementos I kept. There are old ticket stubs from movies Adam and I saw together, the receipt from the meal he took me to on my birthday—that night was the first time we had sex—and the pencil I used to sketch that first picture I did of him, the one that hangs on his old bedroom wall with the others. Then, there’s our wedding photo. We got two copies—one for us and an extra for Dad to have.

  I pick up my old diary, which I never did write in, and open it to the center page. A pressed rose is there, the one Adam bought me on our first date. I pick up the folded piece of paper in there, close the book, and open the paper up. It’s the last picture I ever drew of him, the one I started the night I left but never got the chance to finish. I could never bring myself to finish it.

  I don’t even realize I’m crying until a tear hits the paper.

  Carefully drying it away, I fold the paper up and put it back into the box.