A Sea of Lies

by H Dillon Hunt

  “Shh, it’s okay.” He soothes me, smoothing his hand over my hair. “Listen to my heartbeat, focus on it Aubree. It beats for you, only for you. No matter what happens, no matter if we lose this baby or not, my heart beats for you. I love you, Aubree more than anything in this world.”

  I shake my head, burying my face against his chest. “You don’t know that, you can’t understand what it feels like to lose a child. For it to be my fault you lost your child. You’ll hate me, Sam.”

  He lifts my face to his and kisses me with such conviction even I don’t believe what I’m saying. It chases away some of the lifeless feeling that’s lingering in my chest. When he pulls back and looks me in the eyes, I listen.

  “I know what it feels like to lose you, Aubree,” he tells me, his voice gruff. “And that is not something I ever plan on doing again. There’s nothing that could ever make me stop loving you, nothing.”

  “I can’t do this again, Sam. I can’t lose-” my voice cracks and I don’t go on, he knows what I can’t say.

  “I’ve already called a doctor I know that specializes in your condition. She says it’s a difficult path, but it’s manageable. You weren’t aware of the necessary steps to take last time because you didn’t know you had this condition. There’s a procedure she can perform with a ninety-five percent success rate that will keep you from going into labor too soon.” His smile is so bright it fills all the dark cracks in my heart with light. “The baby is going to be okay, Aubree.”

  It settles over me slowly, the realness of what he’s saying. A feeling I never thought I would ever feel again; the hope, the love, the fierce protectiveness for my child. For our child.

  My eyes fill with tears all over again as I realize what he’s saying. “We’re having a baby.” I breathe, smiling through my tears.

  He laughs, kissing me again. “We’re having a baby.”

  Chapter 24

  Sam

  Present Day

  “I need sour straws and peach rings and…” She trails off while she thinks. I adjust the phone between my ear and my shoulder as I reach the candy aisle and start tossing blue sour straws into the cart. “Oh! Those special chips are back for a limited time. You know the ones that taste like sushi?”

  I swing the cart around and head to the chip aisle. Again. I was there five minutes ago when she wanted white cheddar popcorn.

  “How about some fruit?” I ask her hopefully. “I can make you some juice and smoothies.”

  “What are you trying to say?” she asks haughtily.

  “Well, just that our baby is going to come out blue from all these sour straws.” I laugh, adding her chips to the ever-growing cart.

  “You have a point,” she huffs. “Fine, I guess I’ll eat some fruit too, but I still want my sushi chips!”

  “You’ll get your sushi chips baby, don’t you worry.” I chuckle. “Is there anything else before I leave here?”

  “Just more of that God awful decaf coffee.” She yawns.

  “I will get the vanilla flavor you like,” I laugh. “I’ll see you in a minute.”

  Bree has been a very grumpy person since she discovered she can’t drink regular coffee. Technically pregnant women can drink a small amount of caffeine per day, but she’s refusing to risk it. And in doing so she’s extremely irritable and takes at least three naps a day.

  We have our fourteen-week appointment with Dr. Ferrante this afternoon to perform the procedure that will hopefully keep Bree from going into labor too soon. When we first went in, Bree was still pretty nervous. She didn’t want to fully believe it was possible for this to work out, but Dr. Ferrante is very good at what she does and after a thorough exam and an ultrasound, she reassured us that it should be a fairly manageable situation.

  Aubree has been put on desk duty at work until after she has the baby, and has to take steroid shots regularly. She can’t overexert herself by any means, her physical activity is very much limited. Dr. Ferrante told us this was likely part of what happened last time. With Aubree’s condition, the more the baby grows and the more she exerts herself, even something as simple as waiting tables at the restaurant she used to work at, all of that contributes to the early labor.

  I finish up at the grocery store and head home to pick up Aubree. She’s asleep on the couch when I get home, using our Great Dane as her body pillow. I quietly put the groceries away and go upstairs to change clothes.

  Aubree’s wardrobe took up about ninety-five percent of the closet in our bedroom, which amazes me because if she isn’t in scrubs she’s dressed down in jeans and a t-shirt. Nevertheless, when I saw the amount of boxes she was bringing over I moved most of my stuff to the guest bedroom.

  I eye my army uniform as I pull a shirt off the hanger. Maybe that’s also part of the reason I moved my clothes in here. Out of sight, out of mind. Aubree still doesn’t know I was in the military. My last tour was on the tail end of my four-year contract, so I’m no longer active. It’s never come up with her, so I’ve never brought it up. It would lead to questions that I’m in way too deep to answer. Questions that would put far too much stress on Bree if I had to answer them honestly.

  Which I would. I have no intention to lie to her forever, I had no intention to lie to her for this long. It’s been constantly wearing on me since we started dating. I was getting ready to give her the letter when we found out she was pregnant. Now I simply can’t risk upsetting her that badly, not while her pregnancy is so tenuous.

  I reach into the front pocket of my uniform and stare at the worn letter. I contemplated reading it first, making sure there’s nothing within the letter that would open old wounds. But I couldn’t, these words weren’t meant for me.

  I sigh, shoving the letter back into the pocket and pulling a new shirt on. I should have told her when I had the chance. I should have told her the day after Ryan’s funeral.

  I head downstairs, deciding not to think about should haves and could haves right now. I check my watch and note that we have an hour before we need to leave for our appointment.

  Bree is still asleep on the couch when I walk into the living room, Moose attached to her hip as always. He’s stretched out on the chase and she’s curled around him like he’s a doggy body pillow. The sight of them makes me grin like an idiot. If I thought she stole my dog when we started dating, that was nothing compared to after she got pregnant.

  Moose follows Aubree everywhere. She can’t eat, shower, go outside, change clothes or even sleep without him close on her heels. Bree thinks it’s the sweetest thing in the world.

  I gently sit down on the floor beside her and rest my hands softly on her belly. She has a tiny little bump, most people don’t even know she’s pregnant yet. Dr. Ferrante said we won’t be able to feel the baby kick until around sixteen weeks, but I still love to hold her belly and talk to my baby.

  “Hey beautiful, how are you today?” I’m convinced it will be a girl. “You better enjoy all the candy and junk you’re getting now because when you get out here in the real world, it’s gonna be all fruits and veggies for you little missy.”

  “He’s gonna be a boy, Sam,” Bree mumbles with a sleepy grin. “And don’t tell him that. He can have all the junk food his little heart desires.”

  Moose pops his head up and licks Bree’s face. He gives me a look and I swear the damn dog just narrowed his eyes at me. I ignore him, leaning over and kissing her belly softly.

  “She’s gonna be a girl,” I say, resolutely. “And she’s going to have me spun around her little pinky just like her mama does.”

  “Don’t forget about her aunts!” Maddie says as her and Elle walk through the front door. They have insisted on attending every single appointment with us since they found out Bree was pregnant.

  The twins come over and nudge me out of the way to get to Aubree. At the added company, Moose rests his large gray head on her lap as to further prove that Bree and our baby are his to protect.

  “I brought you sushi chips and sou
r straws,” Elle says, sitting down on the side of Bree Moose is not currently wrapped around and reaching into her bag.

  “You wonderful human.” Aubree’s eyes go wide and she makes grabby hands for her chips.

  “Hey, I already got you all of that at the store,” I laugh.

  “Yeah, but I had to tell you to, so it’s not as special.” She grins, shoving a chip in her mouth. Maddie places her hands on Bree’s belly and begins having her own little conversation with the baby.

  “Hi MJ, how’s my favorite little niece/nephew today? Did you know, at fourteen weeks, you’re now the size of a lemon?”

  “Madison, we are not naming our child MJ,” I tell her for the hundredth time as I plop down in the chair across from them.

  “Why not?” She huffs, “It’s a unisex name, and it won’t matter if it’s a boy or a girl.”

  I say, “It’s going to be a girl,” at the exact same time Aubree says, “It’s going to be a boy.”

  We grin at each other from across the room while Maddie and Elle go on about names. The twins fuss over Bree for a few minutes until it’s time for her to go change clothes and get ready to go. I scoop her up as soon as she’s standing and carry her toward the stairs.

  “Sam!” She giggles swatting at my chest. “I can walk up the stairs you know, Dr. Ferrante said light bed rest.”

  I lean down and kiss her nose as I set her down on the bed, “What if I just wanted a minute alone with you?”

  Her smile spreads and she leans up to kiss me. I meet her halfway, taking her face in my hands and kissing her with languid leisure. She winds her arms tightly around my neck and pulls me closer, her breath hitching as she deepens the kiss. My fingers curl into her hair and she makes this soft noise in the back of her throat that sends me into a frenzy.

  I need to pull away, I need to end this kiss before it goes any further. We were specifically instructed that there can be no sexual activity whatsoever, but the feel of her lips sliding against mine is intoxicating. Aubree seems to have more willpower than I do though, she pulls back, breaking our contact.

  I lean my forehead against hers, sighing. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have started this.”

  She groans, her arms falling limply to her sides. “This is going to be the longest eighteen to twenty-four weeks of my life.”

  I brush her hair away from her face with a chuckle, “I’ll let you get changed. Do you need anything before we go?”

  “Can I borrow your nerves of steel?” she asks with a light tone, but I can see the anxiousness in her eyes.

  “It’s a routine procedure, I’m sure Dr. Ferrante has done hundreds by now.” I sit down beside her and lift her chin so she’ll meet my gaze. “There’s nothing to be nervous about, I’ll be with you the entire time.”

  She presses her lips together, tears welling up in her eyes as she looks away. “I know,” she whispers. “I’m just still so scared.”

  “Hey,” I pull her into my lap and rub soothing circles across her back. “Everything’s going to be fine, okay? We’ve got the best doctor in the state for high-risk pregnancies and I have complete faith that both of you are going to get our baby girl home to us safely.”

  “It’s gonna be a boy,” she sniffs stubbornly, but she smiles softly and lifts her eyes to mine. “I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you’re by my side through all of this, Sam. I love you.”

  My chest constricts as I kiss her again, softly this time. “I love you, Aubree. More than you know.”

  ***

  Bree

  I wring my hands nervously as they wheel me down the long white hallway.

  “This is stupid,” I grumble. “I am perfectly capable of walking.”

  “Don’t be a grump,” Elle pats my hand. “You know it’s hospital protocol.”

  “I know, I know.” I huff and fold my arms protectively over my little bump. I feel Sam’s lips on the back of my head. At least they let him wheel me around. Elle is right, I get annoyed when patients do this to me when I have to wheel them around. But I’m nervous, freaking terrified actually.

  I’ve been terrified this entire pregnancy so far. Every move I make feels like it could be fatal. Dr. Ferrante has calmed most of my fears, I know she’s the best at what she does and if anyone is going to help us have this baby, it’s her. But I also know the statistics. It’s all I know, all I think about. I know that this isn’t guaranteed to work, and even if it does there are still complications that can come.

  I need to trust. I need to stop worrying because I know it’s not helping, but these anxious thoughts plague me day and night and nothing seems to make them stop.

  We round the corner and they wheel me into a room for pre-op. Dr. Ferrante comes in just as I’m sitting down on the bed. She smiles warmly as she walks straight to me and gives me a hug.

  “How are we feeling?” She asks, placing a calming hand on my belly.

  “Nervous, anxious, panicked.” I smile lamely.

  “All normal,” She nods. “Could we have the room? I want to give her a once-over before the epidural.”

  Elle and Mads step outside and Sam comes to stand by me, his hand resting lightly on my shoulders.

  I watch Dr. Ferrante as she places her hands on my belly just as she does each time we visit her. She closes her eyes and I assume she’s feeling for something, even though I know we’re not supposed to be able to feel a kick for another few weeks. I feel peaceful all the same. I don’t know what it is about this little moment before each exam when she does this, but for a moment all my fears and anxiety fades away.

  “What are you feeling for when you do that?” I ask as she lifts my shirt and begins the ultrasound.

  “Oh I’m not feeling for anything,” She says watching the screen. “I’m praying.”

  “Praying?” Sam asks.

  “Praying,” She nods, moving the ultrasound wand across my stomach. “You see, I may have the highest success rate in the state of high-risk pregnancies, but there’s nothing different about what I do and what other doctors do. Except for praying. I pray for each and every one of my patients.”

  She wipes the jelly off my stomach and pulls my shirt back down. She looks me in the eyes and smiles softly. “Faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains, so faith the size of a mountain is sure to bring this baby home safe.”

  I smile back at her, finally understanding why I feel so at peace when she’s around. She explains the procedure again, going over the details and letting us know that she’ll want to hold me overnight for observation.

  When she leaves, Sam comes to sit beside me on the bed. I don’t even have to ask what he’s doing when he places his hands of my belly and closes his eyes. I place a hand over his and begin praying too.

  Chapter 25

  Sam

  Present Day

  Twenty-eight weeks.

  I mark the day off the calendar and sigh, a little more relieved with each day that passes without Bree going into labor. We were okay at twenty-four weeks, the first marker of when a baby can survive outside the womb, but it’s still so risky, there can be so many different complications. Dr. Ferrante wants her to make it until thirty weeks. Anything in between now and then is a wild card. And this wild card time period has me more on edge than when I was in a war zone.

  We moved into a new house, my small beach bungalow didn’t have enough room with a baby on the way. Bree is restless. She’s already begun her maternity leave and she’s bored out of her mind. She’s taken up knitting. She knits all day and night; scarves, blankets, hats, you name it, and she’ll knit it. I told her she needs to start an Etsy shop so we could have our spare bedroom back. She sassed me but then started an account the next day.

  She’s also inhaled at least twenty books in the last twelve weeks, including a reread of the Harry Potter series. She says she has to read them while she’s pregnant or our baby will be a muggle. I returned the onesie with the words “Snuggle this Muggle” across the front without
showing her and replaced it with one that says “Live Mandrake”. She loved that more than sour straws.

  We’re having our gender reveal party today, one of us is going to be finally proven wrong. We found out the gender, well, the twins found out the gender, three weeks ago. I think it’s a girl, I don’t know why. I just have this feeling. Bree swears it’s a boy, she doesn’t have a feeling though. I asked her one day and she said she didn’t, she just wanted a boy really bad and then she got quiet and didn’t want to talk anymore.

  I turn away from the calendar on the wall when Bree walks into my office. She’s wearing a long white dress, covered in flowers. Her hands rest lightly on her round belly. Light from the window behind her illuminates her silhouette. She’s an angel. As soon as I lay eyes on her, the breath leaves my lungs. She sucks it out of me, drawing me closer if I want to breathe.

  I walk the maze of unpacked boxes littering the floor and pull her into my arms, kissing her forehead. She smiles up at me with tears gleaming in her eyes.

  “I’m so happy, Sam.” She whispers. “I never thought I’d get to feel this happy.”

  I smile, taking her face in my hands and catching her tears of joy with my thumbs. “I’m happy too,” I whisper, my voice failing me. My heart swelling in my chest tightly. “You make everything better, Aubree.”

  She smiles again, her face lighting up every dark crack in my heart.

  I was going to wait for the perfect moment when everyone was here today, but I can’t hold it in another second. I drop to one knee and kiss her belly, our baby girl. She smiles and runs a hand through my hair, thinking nothing of it. But she gasps when I pull the small velvet box out of my pocket and open it. I smile when I find my voice.

  “Aubree, I love you more than I’ve loved anything in my entire life.”

  “Yes,” She smiles through her tears.

  “I want to spend forever with you.”

  “Yes,” She nods feverishly.