Heartfelt Lies

by Alexandra Christopher

  The drive back to Gale is uneventful. I've spent the entire time debating whether or not I was ready to open my mom's letter. In the end, I decide I've waited long enough. Whatever lies inside isn't going away and the longer I put it off, the longer I remain in this twisted limbo.

  I need to visit my mom. I've not visited her grave once since she was laid to rest next to my father. Gram comes every week and places fresh flowers in the vases at their stone. She's asked me to come several times, but I've always declined. Not anymore. It's time to start facing the demons that haunt my past.

  I park outside the gate of the small cemetery and take the yellow envelope from my purse. I slowly walk down the narrow gravel path until I find the double stone of Ryan and Gwendolyn Jones. I sit down on the plush grass and trace each name carved into the shiny black granite.

  "Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad," I whisper. "I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get here. I've kind of been having a hard time… working through things. I'm here now though, hoping you can point me in the right direction." I say, holding up the sunny envelope. "Because, I sure am lost," I choke out.

  I know they can't talk back, but it doesn't stop me from searching the soft breeze for the sound of their voices. "I have your letter with me. I know I should've already read it. I've put it off for far too long. The truth is, I'm scared. I've been scared of what I'd find inside. Also, kind of scared of what I won't," I admit. "Gram says I'm strong like you, Dad. I don't agree with her, but from here on out I'm gonna try to be."

  Taking a deep breath, I slide my finger under the edge of the sealed envelope and slowly pry it apart. I pull the folded paper from inside and brace myself for what I'm about to read.

  My Dear Sweet, Ella,

  I know I'm the last person you want advice from, but I hope you'll take it anyway. I know I failed you in every way possible. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day. Everyone always says time takes care of everything, but that's not true. It's what you do during that time that will bring you peace.

  As you know, my life wasn't easy growing up. I was moved from one home to the other, some worse than others, but each presenting its own challenges. When I met your Dad, my entire life changed. It didn't take long to realize he was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and he quickly became my entire world.

  When he died, I wanted to die right along with him, and in a way, I guess I did. My will to live left that night when I held him in my arms as he took his last breath. It was the last two words he spoke to me that kept me going.

  Back when we first started dating and life was getting the best of me, he would always say, “Have faith, Gwen. Your faith has the power to lead you through the darkness and back into the light.” The night he was killed, Ryan told me he loved me, as I held him in my arms, then he whispered, “have faith.”

  Those were the last two words he ever spoke, they rolled around in my head for hours. After his funeral, I felt like I was losing my mind. Everywhere I went reminded me of him, our life together. So, I did what I do best, I ran.

  There were days I contemplated ending it all, then I found out about you. The first thing that popped into my mind was “have faith.” I swear it was like Ryan was speaking to me himself. You were my faith, Ella Faith, my bright light at the end of a dark tunnel. I thought I'd have you, and you'd give me back a little piece of your daddy and I'd be happy again. And you did. It worked for a while, but then the darkness crept back in like it always did.

  You remind me so much of him every time I look at you. You're a lot like him, you know? Well, no, I don't guess you do. I never told you about him, did I? Let me tell you now. You're smart and compassionate, selfless, and strong like him. You have the biggest heart I've ever known—you showed it over and over again each day you have loved me despite my faults.

  And I loved you Ella, I know I didn't say it, but I loved you more than anything in the world. It's one of the reasons I tried to keep my distance. I didn't want to taint your beauty with the erosion of my darkened soul. The last thing I ever wanted you to be, was like me.

  Not being a good mother to you is my life's biggest regret. The other is not forgiving. The hate I carried in my heart consumed me completely and changed who I was. It kept me from being someone you could've been proud of.

  So, my advice to you is to forgive often, and without regret. Find it in your heart to forgive those that hurt you. Life's too short to carry that burden.

  Promise me, you'll live for each moment, love freely, and always find your way back home. Don't make the mistakes I did. You're better than me, better than I ever could have been.

  I'm sorry for all I put you through, and I'm sorry for keeping you from your grandmother. She's the best woman I've ever known. I hope you two meet, I have a feeling you'll be best friends.

  Love,

  Mom

  Mom made a lot of bad choices in her life, but she's right about one thing, it's time to find my way home. I need Gram as much as she needs me, maybe more.

  24

  Kohl

  It's been sixteen days since Ella ran out of my life. Every day since has been grueling, each longer than the last. I drove myself crazy with worry the first few days, calling and texting around the clock, praying for a response. I watched my phone like a hawk, just waiting for the screen to light up with her name. It never did.

  I went to the river a few days ago, searching for answers. I sat in her spot under the tree and tried to imagine her there next to me, happy and at peace. However, the same broken image of her face kept flashing across my mind and I found myself kneeling in the same spot she left me all those days ago, experiencing the same heartache all over again.

  I've tried to come to terms with the fact that she may never speak to me again, but I can't. I can't fathom the thought of a future she isn't a part of, which is crazy, because a few months ago I didn't even know she existed. It's funny how someone you've never met can come into your life and soon after become the center of your universe in such a short amount of time. I guess that's why I'm having such a hard time coping with these helpless thoughts running through my head.

  I felt an instant connection to Ella the moment I first laid eyes on her. It's like there was this invisible string pulling us together and the closer we got the tighter we were bound. The minute that string was severed, my world was sent into a tailspin, one I'm helpless to stop.

  I hate feeling so lost, powerless. I don't have the first clue how to fix things, make them right. I guess truth be told, things will probably never be "right." How can they when my betrayal runs bone deep? If only I had come clean with her when I still had the chance. I was a coward though and now that chance has been taken away.

  I suspect Lily's known the hurtful secrets she spewed for a while. The way she enjoyed tearing Ella apart, I just know she was waiting on the first opportunity to deliver the kill shot that would rip us apart. I'm sure my rejection at the beach only hurried her agenda along.

  I have no idea how she found out about my dad and Ryan or how she learned the details of his death. There were only a handful of witnesses that night and the details were buried deep right from the start. His murder took place a few towns over, in a different county, so no court proceedings ever took place here. One of the other guys involved was a senator's son, so the entire ordeal was kept under wraps. He accepted a plea deal and the incident never went before a jury.

  The mixture of hurt and anger I have swirling inside is driving me crazy. I've done my best to keep busy. I've worked my ass off on the days I don't have class, and the days I do, I come home and burn the midnight oil at my new house. It's been about a week since we closed on it. I've been busy painting every single room in the place. Tonight, I'll finish up by painting the empty living room, I'm currently sitting in and I'll be done.

  I should be happy about buying my own home, but I can't find it in me to even smile. Most people would be out shopping for furniture and other things to fill it with, not me. I si
t here, staring at the empty walls surrounding me, longing for the only thing I want, yet the one thing I can't have… Ella.

  I try to picture what photos she would hang, how she would decorate the living room. It gives me hope that she'll walk through the front door again one day. The Bradley's had every wall in the house painted solid white. Mom helped me choose a color we both thought Ella would like.

  We settled on a light gray color for the walls and bright white for the crown molding and base boards. Mom said it would carry the nice crisp color theme of the exterior throughout the house and warm things up a bit.

  It's well past bedtime already but I'm about to start taping everything off. I figure if I stay busy enough maybe I won't have the time to miss her any more tonight. I can't sleep anyway, all I do is stare at the dark ceiling and replay the day Ella left me over and over again in my head. I try to imagine where we would be today had I done things differently. Would she still be here had I been honest with her from the start, or would she have never given me a chance?

  I know it makes me a bastard, but I can't regret the time she's given me, even knowing she probably wouldn't have, knowing the secrets I held. I tell myself I didn't actually lie to her, but I know better. Even if the reason is heartfelt, a lie of omission is still a lie.

  I walk to the window beside the front door. Raising the blinds, I take a minute to glance down the street. Ella's car's been missing from the garage for too long now. Each day I drive past her house I die a little more inside. That's if I'm even living at all. Can one exist without a heart? I don’t know, I left mine on the river bank a little over two weeks ago. It fell from my chest, as I sat, bleeding out onto the stone river bank. I didn't bother to pick it up. What good would it do me? I don't own it anyway.

  Walking into the garage, I get a ladder and start taping off the molding and trim, when that's all done, I get down on the floor and start on the baseboards. I work steadily, never lifting my head. Before I know it, the suns rising, the room's painted, and I've worked up a sweat.

  I stand and wipe my sweaty face with the bottom of my shirt. Stretching my hands as high as I can reach above my head, I work out the kinks that have developed throughout the night. My back and knees ache, but I deserve the pain. The torture I'm putting my body through is nothing compared to the amount I've caused Ella.

  My ringing phone has me walking to the kitchen. I pick it up off the counter and see it's my mom calling.

  "Morning, Mom," I greet.

  "Good morning, son. Where are you? I saw you weren’t in your room and got worried."

  "I'm at my house. I stayed here last night and painted the living room."

  "Oh, honey. Have you slept?"

  "Not really."

  "Kohl, you know that's not healthy. You can't keep going day after day without rest."

  "I know that. Don’t you think I know that? It doesn't matter what I do though, I can't sleep. I figure I might as well be productive and get something done instead of lying in bed and torturing myself all night."

  "Come home, Kohl. Just stop what you're doing and come home. Your dad and I want to talk to you."

  I sigh, knowing there's no getting out of this. I'm too tired to argue anyway so I might as well just agree. "Yeah, okay. See you in a few minutes."

  I pull the remaining tape from the freshly painted walls and turn out the lights before making the short trip to my parents. Two concerned faces and the smell of frying bacon greet me when I step through the kitchen door.

  "Wash up, and have a seat, breakfast is almost ready," Mom says.

  I do as I'm told. Soon, she and Dad place the last of the food on the table before taking their seats.

  "We're really worried about you, Kohl," Mom begins. "You hardly eat, and you haven't been sleeping. You can't continue on like this. You'll end up hurt or sick. I understand you're upset about Ella, but you have to take care of yourself. You're no good for her or yourself this way. When she comes back—"

  "If… if she comes back, Mom. Who's to say we'll ever see her again," I say, dejected.

  "Now, son, don't say things like that. I talked to Ms. Ann last night, she promised me Ella is coming back. She's been calling and talking to her every day," Dad assures me.

  "That doesn't mean she'll come back. Her mom used to call and talk to Ms. Ann, too. You know how that turned out."

  "Ella isn't Gwen. She's hurt, yes, but on a completely different level. A different kind of hurt. Ella feels confused and betrayed. She's lost in the past, and unsure of her future. But she's strong. She'll survive this and come out stronger for it. Gwen lost her entire world when Ryan was killed, she couldn't see living beyond that," he explains.

  "Maybe you're right. Let's say she does come back, that doesn't mean she'll ever speak to me again. I know it makes me selfish to worry about that right now. My entire focus and concern should be her well-being and happiness, and it is, but I can't help wanting the whole package. I want her here and I want her well, but I also want her with me. I want her to come home and let me support her, let me help her work through it all."

  "Oh, honey," Mom soothes. "You're not selfish, you're just human. We all want those we love close to us, especially when we know they're hurting."

  "Yeah, especially when it's my fault," I huff.

  "It's not your fault, Kohl!" Dad says, no room for argument in his voice. "This is on me. You may have kept it hidden from her but at the end of the day, it's my actions that destroyed that family. That's something I have to live with. When Ella comes back, I'm going to go talk to her myself when she's ready. I need to explain what happened and beg her forgiveness if she's willing to hear me out. That's the least I owe her."

  "Do you really think that's a good idea?" I ask.

  "I don't know honestly. Ms. Ann and I talked it over and we both agree that I should be the one to explain exactly what happened that night. I'm the only one that really can," he finishes.

  "In the meantime, you've got to get some rest," Mom says, giving me a stern look. "You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. This staying up day and night has to stop."

  "I know. I'm not going to lie, it's about to get the best of me. I can hardly hold my eyes open now that I sat here and stuffed myself," I say standing. "I think I'm going to go up to bed. Work will have to wait for another day, if that's okay with you."

  Dad gives a nod of approval. "You know it is. Get some rest."

  I retreat to my room and sleep the day away well into the evening. When I wake, I look like a new person on the outside, however, on the inside I'm still ripped to shreds.

  I check my phone and see a missed text from Jax. He's been hounding me to meet up for days now. I give him a quick text back and invite him over to work out. I've got to find a way to burn off some of this negative energy and get back into the swing of things. Mom's right, I'm no good to anyone like this. He accepts immediately, saying he'll be here shortly.

  I run down stairs to grab a bottle of water, Mom greets me from the living room as I walk past.

  "Hey, you're up!" She smiles. "You hungry?"

  "Nah. Just getting something to drink."

  "Well, you need to eat," She rises to her feet and makes her way over to me. "Come on," she says, taking me by the arm. "I'll keep it simple. Tomato soup and grilled cheese sound good?"

  "Sure," I agree. No need arguing about it. I'll only lose in the end. I get some water and sit down at the counter to watch her cook.

  "So, are you about finished painting the house?" she asks.

  "I'm done. Finished up this morning actually."

  "Oh, how exciting!" she squeals, hopping up and down. "We can start furniture shopping now. What do you want to buy first?"

  "I don’t know," I shrug. "I was thinking just the basics for now. Maybe something for the master bedroom and a couch or two for the living room. Just enough to get by. I'm not really interested in going all out. I just need a place to sit and a bed to sleep in for now.
"

  "We could do that," she agrees with a nod. "Do you have something in mind? You’re more than welcome to take your bedroom suite upstairs if you want."

  "No. I think I want something new. Something that can be just mine and… I need something no one else has been in, you know?"

  "Yeah, I understand." She gives me a small reassuring smile. "I could meet you up in Jefferson tomorrow after you get out of class. We could pick out a few things."

  I nod my head in agreement. "Sounds good."

  Mom places a bowl of soup and a plate of grilled cheese in front of me before sitting on the stool next to me. We sit together in silence until the doorbell rings.

  "I'll get that," I say, standing from the stool. "Thanks for the food, Mom." I bend, placing a quick kiss on her cheek before answering the door.

  "Hey, man. Come on in," I greet Jax.

  "Good to see you. I've been worried." He tugs me forward, giving me a slap on the back.

  "Don't worry about me, I'm good. Let's head out back so I can kick your ass in a deadlift."

  "Bullshit! You wish," Jax fires back.

  We wear ourselves out over the next two and a half hours. We start off with a half hour of cardio and stretching to warm up, before doing some less intense presses and curls. By the time I prove Jax can't hang with my fifth rep of 350 pounds, we're both covered in sweat and exhausted.

  "Damn, I needed that!" I say, wiping the dripping sweat from my face as I lay out across the mat.

  "Been awhile, huh?" Jax asks, joining me.

  "Too long. I've been out of it, man, can't eat, can't sleep. I haven't wanted to do anything. Mom and Dad called me over this morning and laid down the law. They made some good points though, too. I've got to pull my head outa my ass and take care of myself. I can't be good for her if I don't."

  "Ella?" Jax asks.

  "Yeah," I murmur.

  "Have you heard from her?"

  "Not a word. It's driving me out of my mind. Dad said she's been talking to her Gram every day though, so at least I know she's safe."