Always Forward- Never Straight

by Charley Descoteaux

  The worst part, I didn’t have the heart to do more than give her the rough outline of what had happened because I was too busy beating myself up for the way I’d treated Bryan. Even if he had used me—which I didn’t think was true, but I tried to use the thin margin of doubt as a shield—I was ashamed of running over there and intimidating him. Mortified by the rush of satisfaction I’d gotten from the fear in his eyes and the way his hands shook.

  Valerie listened and then we sat quietly for a few minutes. “Come back to the band. Really come back, not just to throw new songs at us and pick up Mac.”

  “What? No. I need to get another job. I’ll start looking tomorrow. Or Monday.”

  Thinking about what this would do to our little family stoked my anger again. I slid to the edge of the couch but didn’t stand. Part of me wanted to storm back to Bryan’s place and kick his ass. That tiny asshole part of me was mentally kicking my own ass for not doing it while I was there, even though I’d never thrown a punch in my life and didn’t really want to hit anyone—especially not Bryan. I thought I’d been doing pretty well pretending to be respectable for the company—as difficult as that was—and one dalliance was all it took to bring everything crashing down.

  When I’d regained what passed for my sanity, I stood and paced. “I’ve never been fired before.”

  “I know. You’re not the kind of man who gets himself fired.” She rubbed my shoulder and for a second, I almost pushed her hand away.

  The unwelcome thought that I hadn’t been fair to Bryan invaded my head—again—and spun things so I wasn’t sure what to think. “I need to go for a run. Before Mac gets home, so she won’t have to see me like this.”

  “Cay. Seriously. This isn’t the end of the world. We’ll be okay, Mac and me. And the band wants you back.”

  “I can’t. How can I keep Mac on my insurance if I don’t have any? That’s our deal. She needs to get in to see a doctor, dentist, all that. I have to keep up my end.”

  “And you will. You always do. That’s what you’re best at, taking care of everyone else. What about you? Sitting in a cubicle all day is killing you.”

  “I’m in better shape than I’ve ever been. Healthier too.”

  “That’s because you’re trying to run away from the cubicle. Literally. But every day you keep going back.” She at least had the decency to wince after saying that.

  “I love running.”

  “No, you don’t.”

  “Okay, I like running.”

  She laughed, and it was all I could do not to join her. But I knew if I did, I’d end up crying.

  “Okay, I hate running. But it’s healthy. It’s a good example for—”

  “Oh, please. Being happy and doing something you love is a good example for Mackenzie.”

  “I heard my name. Whoa. What’s wrong, Dad?” She strode over and hugged me hard, and my knees buckled. If I hadn’t been balanced, I would’ve been on the floor.

  I buried my face in her hair and said “nothing” at the same time Val said “he lost his job.”

  “Val.”

  “What? She’s old enough to hear the truth.”

  “What happened? If you don’t want to tell me, it’s cool. I’ll wait until later and get it from Mom. Unless you’re staying over tonight?” She smiled hopefully, and I felt a cramp in my chest. Right in the middle, where my heart used to be before Baxter Bryan the tech whiz entered the picture. My heart felt more like a balloon after the mean kid sticks it with a pin and it flies around knocking into the walls and furniture and then lands in the corner, limp and useless. Only I’m the mean kid in this scenario.

  “I’d rather not talk about it. How about a pizza? If your mom doesn’t have any plans.”

  Val cleared her throat, but I couldn’t look at her. “I should make you go talk to him. And I don’t mean Holden. But I’m hungry. Pizza now. Later, you go talk to him.”

  Mackenzie watched our convo like a tennis match, like she used to when she was little. Another pang in my so-called heart—my little girl was almost grown up.

  “This is about Bryan, isn’t it?”

  “Yes. But I still don’t want to talk about it.”

  “I don’t know how Bryan can have anything to do with you losing your job. I don’t believe it.”

  “Please, baby. Not now.”

  “I mean it. Why would he be so nice to me if he wasn’t in it for the long haul? Where’s the payoff there? I don’t believe it.”

  Val stepped closer and rested a hand on Mac’s shoulder. “Mac, honey, go to your room for a few. Order us a pizza.”

  “Can I choose the toppings?” She looked at me, but I thought the question had been aimed at her mother. Which didn’t stop me from answering.

  “As long as we don’t have to talk about it, you can choose the toppings.”

  Mac peeled away from me and took her mom’s phone. She didn’t leave the room, though. She looked between us and then came back to hug me again.

  “I love you, Dad. Bry’s a good man. I don’t think he’d do anything to hurt you. Not with the way he looks at you when you’re not paying attention.”

  “I love you, too, cupcake.” I buried my face in her soft hair, and when she made a move to go, I released her. My heart sank. Without Mac to hold on to, I felt like I was falling—like, off a cliff. I sat in a kitchen chair and dropped my head onto my arms.

  Val rubbed my shoulders and pulled me against her side. “I’m sorry, baby. It’s fucked up, what Holden did. But we’ll get through this. We’ll be okay. Tomorrow I’ll get Mac on my insurance, and we can work out the rest as we go. Right now, you should go talk to Bryan. Don’t throw that away because you were ashamed to tell him you’re a customer service rep.”

  I groaned and she held me tighter.

  “I get it. I’d rather only be in a band too, but—”

  “Your job is better than mine. Than mine was.”

  “That doesn’t matter. You love him. Stop arguing with me. Even if you guys haven’t said it yet, you do. I’ve known you since high school, and I’ve never seen you like this. Well. Once. But only for a little while.”

  Even though I had tears in my eyes, I looked up. “I love you, Valerie.”

  “I know. I love you too. But it was never like it is with him, was it?”

  All I could do was shake my head. I had loved her—loved her still—but the deep, all-encompassing passion…only Bryan had given me that.

  “Don’t you dare apologize for that either.” She pulled me into her arms and squeezed. “It’s okay. We were meant to be best friends, not lovers. What kind of a best friend would I be if I wasn’t happy for you?”

  I tried to laugh, but in seconds, I was left clinging to Val and struggling to hold it together. “He won’t want to see me. I was an asshole. I scared him—I wanted to scare him and he knew it.”

  “You’d just been fired.” She held my shoulders and shook me gently so I’d look at her. “Give him a little while to cool off and then talk to him. Apologize.”

  I nodded, and as I was wiping my face my phone vibrated in my pocket. I scrambled to get it out and it was Bryan. Not a text, a call.

  Stunned, I almost didn’t grab it before it went to voicemail. “Bryan?”

  “Please, listen for a minute. We need to talk. I…I know how this happened and it’s—Please, let me unpack this, let me explain. I’ll meet you anywhere.” He took a breath, and it might have been as shaky as mine. “I don’t want to lose you, Cay. Not because I—not without a fight. I won’t let you walk away from me. Please…”

  I tried to answer—more than once while he spoke—but my voice failed me. When Bry stayed silent, my heart clenched. My voice would betray everything I felt, but if I didn’t answer, I’d lose him. “Okay. Can I come over?”

  The silence on his end boomed loudly in my ears. I’d wrecked my “Bryan’s apartment” privileges. I deserved to be cut off.

  “Y
es. Will you come now? If you’ll be okay to drive.”

  I looked at Val and she nodded. I shouldn’t have needed her to push me, but I did. The make-or-break of this situation scared the shit out of me. When I kept staring, she stage-whispered, “Go. Now. Make this right.”

  “I’ll be right over.”

  When he ended the call immediately I had a moment of panic, but he probably meant it when he said to come now. I’d only known him a couple of months, but Bryan was a literal guy.

  Chapter Seven

  Bryan

  I didn’t want Cay to have to knock, so I listened for him and watched for his SUV even though my windows didn’t face the parking lot. I opened the door before he made it all the way down the hall. His stride faltered when he saw me look into the hallway, but he didn’t stop. I stepped aside to invite him in, and I was pretty sure both of our hearts were feeling crushed right then. I tried but couldn’t wipe all the fear off my face. I was sure of that when I practically heard Cay thinking: He’s still afraid of me.

  The door wasn’t closed and he started apologizing.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come over that angry. I didn’t—I’m sorry I scared you. Sorry I was such an asshole.”

  He had come right over; he hadn’t taken the time to wash the tear-tracks from his face. It didn’t make me happy to know he’d had such a hard time, but his red, watery eyes and tearstained face made it easier to push past the last of my fear. All I needed was for him to stop pacing so I could think clearly enough to speak.

  “Sit?”

  He sat, at the far end of the couch, shoulders rounded as he looked intently at his feet. I sat beside him, close enough so hopefully he knew I wasn’t afraid anymore, but not crowding him.

  “I’m sorry. I should have told you everything. There were plenty of chances, but I was afraid if you knew I’d been hiding in this apartment for four years, you’d run.”

  Cay looked up and winced. Obviously he saw fear in my eyes, but this time it wasn’t of him. I wanted to come out and say that, but even considering it made me feel like a loser. But, if he was going to cut his losses and walk, it might be best to get it over with.

  “I avoided every chance I had to tell you what I did for a living. For a few reasons. Mainly, because I didn’t want you to know how boring I am.” He opened his mouth, but I had to say it now, or I was afraid I never would. “Please. Let me get it out.”

  He seemed to consider it before nodding. Cay sat a little straighter and maintained eye contact. I should have been relieved—and I was, but still afraid too. And I desperately wanted to look away, but couldn’t bring myself to.

  “About seven years ago, I thought I’d met The One. Ultimately, he didn’t care about me, only what I could do for him. Even so, when it was over I felt like my life was over too. That sounds pathetic. He was abusive and he cheated. But it still felt like he was my last chance. It’s probably not a surprise to you I’ve always been awkward around people.”

  Cay frowned but didn’t interrupt.

  “Not for the first time, I fell into a depression. It was bad for a while. I didn’t leave the apartment, didn’t see or talk to anyone. I was telecommuting and barely holding on to that job. Then Rosie, my cousin, came and pulled me out of my head and put me to work. BaxCo saved my life. Sounds pathetic, I know, but it’s honest. If I had told you what I did for a living, Holden couldn’t have blindsided you like that. I’m sorry.”

  “I’m the one who’s sorry. I wish I hadn’t been so…”

  “You’d just been fired. You have a child to support, so of course you were upset. Angry.” As soon as I said that I wanted to take it back. It sounded like something I would have said to placate Rob. Sure, Cay had reasons to be angry, but that didn’t mean I should rationalize it, that I should accept it as something I deserved.

  “I didn’t want to believe it, what he said. But that’s no excuse.”

  Again my mind played an all-too-familiar refrain: At least you didn’t hit me. Sometimes words hurt, and they can definitely leave scars. Such as still thinking of myself as a hermit—one of his favorite terms to throw at me, even though I hid in our home so nobody would see the evidence… That word has to go.

  I nodded in response. It was time I stopped making excuses for everyone, especially when they weren’t asking me to. I owed it to both of us to let Cay own his actions as much as I owned mine. He groaned and looked away as he started to pant. For a moment I was afraid he’d cry again. If that happened, I’d join him for sure. Could happen anyway.

  “The look in your eyes when I hit the door, though. Sorry isn’t enough.”

  Cay twisted toward me and I couldn’t keep from flinching.

  “I thought you were going to leave.”

  “I was.”

  “You were going to leave me in your apartment and go…where?”

  “Doesn’t matter. I knew you didn’t really want to hurt me, even when you thought you did. But I didn’t want to stay and… It felt like everything I said only made you angrier.”

  “I’m not like that. I don’t act like that.”

  “I know. I can tell.”

  “So…you don’t want me to leave? This isn’t a deal breaker?”

  “No. It isn’t.”

  He seemed to be struggling to speak. It wasn’t easy, but I waited. “Maybe it should be.”

  “Well, I get to choose and I say it’s not. That can’t happen again—when you get angry, we need to discuss it. I’ll hold up my end too—” A frightening thought stole my ability to speak for a moment. “I do get to choose, don’t I?”

  Cay sat there, watching my face, and I had no idea what he was thinking. Was he waiting for me to say more? Waiting for me to do something? He was a man of action, so probably the latter. I slid toward him, slowly and deliberately, to give him a chance to protest. When he didn’t, I felt bold enough to touch him. I held his jaw in my hand for a moment before easing him closer until he was close enough to kiss—leaning forward a couple of inches would do it. He said “Yes, you get to choose.”

  His lips parted, and I kissed them softly, barely touching. He still seemed so tentative, I didn’t want to push. He had lost his job because of me, in a way, and probably taken a ration of verbal abuse along with that humiliation—if I knew Holden at all, which I did, if mainly by reputation. Cay’s haunted expression broke my heart.

  I sat back, but not far, and he reached out to palm my shoulders. His hands shook while he slid them up and down my arms, as though trying to warm me up. I was shaking, but not from a chill.

  “Do you believe me?”

  “Of course I do. I did before, or I would have, if I’d taken a breath and thought about it. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I was such an asshole. I didn’t want to scare you—no, that’s not true. You’re right. At the time I thought I wanted to, and I’m so ashamed of that. I wanted you to be as afraid as I was of being unemployed. I’m sorry.”

  “You didn’t hit me.” For some reason I felt like I had to remind him of that fact. Maybe I needed to remind both of us. “It’s not okay that you wanted to, but as long as we’re clear that physical violence is a deal-breaker…”

  “I’ve never hit anyone in my life. I wouldn’t.”

  “I’m sorry. If I’d known where you worked, I would have said something. It’s not your fault, but I wish we hadn’t avoided the subject. He saw us together at Pride, didn’t he?”

  “I don’t care about him. I care about you. Us. I don’t want to lose you either, Bry. Tell me we can get past this.”

  “We can.” I smiled even though my whole body still shook, and Cay enfolded me in his strong arms.

  “I don’t know why Holden thought I could be giving you anything you could use. I’m in customer service—I don’t know jack about the technical side of things. I just take the orders and make sure they get shipped on time. Which is why I never asked what you do. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you—how
was blowing me helping your business?”

  “It was helping me. A lot.” I slipped my arms around his waist and held him tightly

  “I’m sorry that happened to you. What that other guy did. And I wish I hadn’t accused you of doing the same to me.”

  I tried to pull back enough to give Cay a proper kiss, but he didn’t let go until I pushed at him. When he did, I held his face in my hands and kissed him with all the love I felt. I wasn’t ready to say it yet—it wasn’t the right time by any stretch of the imagination—but the love was there, and I needed to show it.

  He did that thing he does, where he massages his way over half of my body before palming my head and turning my bones to rubber with his kisses.

  When he came up for air, we were both panting from lack of oxygen, our faces barely inches apart.

  “I’ve been wanting to do that since you opened the door. God, Bry, I love you. It freaked me the hell out when I thought we were finished.”

  Apparently, it was the right time.

  I looked into his amazing blue eyes and said it back. “I love you, too, Cay.”

  His chest hitched and his lips trembled when he kissed me. I tasted a little salt, but that could’ve been either of us. Or both.

  We couldn’t maintain the kiss for long, but we did sit on the couch holding each other for a while after breaking it.

  “Okay. So the new thing I’m working on is—”

  “You don’t have to tell me.”

  “Yes. I think I do. I trust you, and I want you to trust me.”

  “I do trust you, Bry.”

  “Well. I’ll feel better if I hand you the tools to destroy my business, since I destroyed your livelihood. And please, don’t argue. Just listen.”

  Cay nodded.

  “When I designed Alfred, I was severely depressed. I could barely do that much, and it was a constant struggle. Now…well, in the past year I’ve been crawling out of that hole. Rosie and I worked out the idea for a personal drone butler, probably at the same time Holden started on his… Now I’m able to take it to the next level.”

  Cay looks scared. What did I say?