All the Right Mistakes

by Laura Jamison

  “What is it? Are you okay?” he asked.

  Elizabeth said nothing, just handed him the stick. And then she watched the joy spread across his face.

  “It’s early, please don’t be too excited,” warned Elizabeth, but she couldn’t help smiling herself as William wrapped her in a one of his signature bear hugs.

  Every day of the next two months was spent hoping and holding their breath a little.

  By the time the trip to Carmel came around, Elizabeth had started to breathe easy and decided she was safe. So she told Heather and planned how she was going to tell the others.

  And then came the series of tragic events. Lucy. The discovery on the plane. The even more painful conversation with William later that day.

  It actually wasn’t much of a conversation. In the end, William hadn’t been able to say anything. He had just given her a hug and lingered much longer than he usually would. He had opened his mouth as if there was something he wanted to say, but then his head had dropped and he turned away and started cooking for the funeral.

  It was a terrible loss for him. Unfairly, she felt like it was even worse for her. After all, she had to go through the physical and emotional part of it. And she couldn’t share her pain with her friends.

  She suspected that everyone would think that Elizabeth’s loss was nowhere close to the same magnitude as Martha’s, but for her it was the same. However, there was a hierarchy to grief, and, in that order, the loss of a child clearly outranked a miscarriage. So Elizabeth and William were alone with their pain.

  After ushering the last of the guests out the front door, Elizabeth threw herself into washing dishes and reorganizing the first floor.

  “Hey,” she heard William say as he hugged her from behind while she stood scrubbing at the sink. “Let me finish.”

  “No, this makes me feel better,” she replied. “You know cleaning is my therapy.”

  “Yes, I know I’m the luckiest guy on the planet,” he teased.

  “Really, do you feel that way?” Elizabeth asked as she turned into his hug. “Because I feel like I keep letting you down, William. I’m so sorry.” And with that, her face crumpled and the tears started to flow.

  “Of course you haven’t. Don’t be silly. C’mon. We’re living the dream,” he replied, but Elizabeth could tell that his voice was laced with the same sadness she felt.

  If only it were that easy. It might be myopic and selfish, but her dream had always been the three kids, the white picket fence, and the stable, professional job to support it all. She wanted sibling rivalry and crazy schedules and a broken vase because the kids were playing ball in the house. If William hadn’t beaten her to it, she might have even enjoyed being at home.

  “You know, we can still adopt, Elizabeth,” William said softly, interrupting her thoughts.

  “William, you know how I feel about that. I want to be excited about it, but I’m just not there yet. I want a child of my own.”

  “Okay. But don’t get in your own way, Elizabeth,” he replied.

  Elizabeth had a friend who had recently adopted from China, and she’d had a really good experience. But she knew in her heart that she just wasn’t there yet. She still wanted to try for her own biological child. She wasn’t ready to give up on her dream yet.

  CARMEN

  June in Lake Geneva was stunning, Carmen thought as she stood in her kitchen making breakfast. The kitchen was situated to provide sweeping views of the sparkling lake through its oversized bay windows. She had to admit that Mark had been right. Having this home was really wonderful. It was nice to finally be in a quiet, expansive space after the drama of the trip to Carmel and then all the awful events following it.

  It was already well into Avery’s summer break, and she hadn’t even had time to properly welcome her home from college. Avery had gotten home just as Carmen was leaving for Carmel. “Don’t worry, Mom,” she’d said, “I need to sleep for like a week anyway. Go have fun, and we’ll catch up when you get back.”

  Just as she was beginning to wonder whether Avery had left her bedroom since Carmen had last seen her, she heard a familiar shuffling. Carmen’s pancakes worked every time.

  “Hey, Mom,” Avery said with a sheepish smile.

  “Hi, sweetie,” Carmen replied. “Come sit down. I have a stack of your favorite—blueberry pancakes.”

  “That sounds amazing, Mom, thanks. I literally can’t get enough to eat. And I’ve been so tired,” Avery replied with a sigh as she padded into the kitchen in her oversized men’s plaid pajamas.

  Avery had grown into a gorgeous woman. Light brown hair like her dad’s, green eyes like her mom’s, and skin that had just a hint of a tan, which Carmen knew would be interpreted by her classmates as a souvenir of a weekend someplace warm and expensive. And unlike her mother, she was fairly tall like Mark and had the long, lean limbs of the dancer that she was.

  Avery gracefully slid onto one of the stools along the granite island in the center of the kitchen, pulled her long brown hair into a messy bun at the nape of her neck, and began to dig in. Carmen enjoyed the silence as she watched Avery make quick work of the pancakes.

  After a few minutes, Avery put her fork down and said, “Mom, I need to talk to you about something. I’m really nervous about it, so I hope you’ll just let me say what I have to say before you respond. And if you don’t want to say anything, that’s fine too. Please just be thoughtful before you respond.”

  Holy shit, thought Carmen. She’s pregnant. Just like I was.

  She flashed back to that breakfast at Lou’s all those years ago. She could still see the disappointment on her parents’ faces. Oh God, I’m going to have to tell them about Avery too. She suspected her mom was holding out hope for seeing her granddaughter in a white dress someday. She was going to be devastated again.

  “Honey, if you want to keep the baby, I’m here for you one hundred percent. And if you want to do something else, we’ll take care of it. I support your choice, whatever it is,” Carmen said a bit too stridently as she grabbed Avery and gave her a big hug. Her eyes had started to water, and she didn’t want Avery to notice.

  “Um, Mom, what are you talking about?” Avery laughed. “I’m not pregnant. And I might be insulted.”

  “You’re not? Oh, thank God, honey!” Carmen exhaled. “Well, then, what is it? Whatever it is, it can’t be worse than being pregnant.”

  “Well, I hope you won’t think that, Mom,” said Avery, suddenly serious. “I’m gay.”

  Carmen froze and furiously processed the information. Gay? That was out of left field. Had Avery’s girlfriends in high school been girlfriends? Were the ones that had slept over at her house so many times girlfriends or friends who were girls? Did she have a girlfriend now? Was she safe? God, she was out of her depth.

  And then she knew exactly what to say.

  “Honey, I love you. And I will love whoever you love.”

  A look of relief washed over Avery’s face, and her shoulders visibly relaxed. “Thanks, Mom,” she said.

  “You know, lesbians have babies all the time,” Carmen pointed out. “Just because you are gay doesn’t mean I don’t want grandchildren.”

  “Good grief, Mom.” Avery laughed again. “I don’t even have a girlfriend yet. And to save you the pain of asking, I haven’t had sex yet either.”

  “Then are you sure you’re gay?” asked Carmen. “There’s nothing wrong with a little experimentation, you know, just to be sure. As long as you’re safe. I wasn’t always married to your dad, you know.”

  “Gross, Mom,” replied Avery, wrinkling her nose in disgust. “Yes, I’m sure I’m gay. And I want to save that other stuff for marriage anyway. Or at least for the person I’m in a serious relationship with. All right, Mom, that’s all I can handle today. I want to go for a run now.”

  Unable to fully let her off the hook, Carmen said, “Honey, I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder of you. One more thing, though—you are going to need to assure you
r grandmother that there is still a chance for a white dress.”

  “I can handle that, I guess,” Avery said with a chuckle. “But, really, please don’t get too ahead of yourself. And I love you, Mom.” With that, she sprinted away to slip into her running clothes.

  Amazing how life can shift so fast and with no warning, thought Carmen as she cleaned up Avery’s dishes. But this wasn’t a bad shift. Carmen was going to have to get together with her girlfriends and figure this gay thing out. Did they have a good lesbian friend? She wasn’t sure. But the important thing was that Avery was happy and successful. No, this was just a twist in the road. Life was good.

  Now, if I can just get lucky and have one more baby. Why wouldn’t God give another child to someone who was so obviously rocking it with her first? Maybe she should just stop with Dr. Lee and really try to relax and be happy. As Avery was opening the front door to leave for her run, Carmen saw Mark walking through it. That’s strange, she thought. He’s made it up here really early. I hope he’s not sick. No, she chided herself. This is an omen. Change is in the air today.

  Mark walked into the kitchen and sat down on the very stool Avery had just vacated. Customer number two, thought Carmen.

  “Carmen, we need to talk,” he started.

  “That’s so funny. Your daughter just said the same thing to me thirty minutes ago.”

  “We can talk about Avery later,” Mark said impatiently. “Right now, I need to talk to you about something else. Sit down please.”

  “All right, shoot,” said Carmen as she sat down on the stool next to him, reminding herself to talk to him later about Avery’s disclosure.

  “You know we didn’t exactly get the most traditional of starts, Carmen.”

  “No, but we certainly built something great.” Carmen smiled, wondering if this was going to be the conversation when they could finally be real and have it out. I’ve got this, she thought. I’m going to ask for what I need.

  “Yes, in some ways we did,” Mark pressed on. “I did the right thing, and I’m proud of what I did all those years ago. But Avery is grown now and through her first year of college. It’s time for me to be happy.”

  “Actually, I couldn’t agree more. I know things aren’t the way they are supposed to be. Let’s fix it,” said Carmen in an upbeat voice.

  “Carmen, you’re not hearing me. I’m not happy and I’m done. This isn’t about you. You’ve been a great wife.”

  Been, heard Carmen. Past tense.

  Mark continued, “You will get your fair share. I won’t be a jerk. You can have this house, and I have set up accounts for your retirement and everything else you’ll need.”

  Carmen just sat there staring at him, her brow knit.

  “Carmen, you knew we weren’t the love of each other’s life when we got married. We were thrown together, and we made the best of it. It’s my turn to find out what else is out there for me.”

  “Hold up. Mark, I know you have probably been running around. I forgive you, okay? Don’t you want to give us a real chance? For Avery at least?” asked Carmen.

  “There aren’t any other women, Carmen,” said Mark coldly. “That isn’t what this is about.”

  “Really? How about Nicole then? If you would be honest with me, maybe we have a chance to move forward,” Carmen spat at him, losing control of her emotions.

  “Actually, no.” Mark laughed. “She’s a little young for me. And she’s just a work colleague. But there is another colleague of mine I am interested in dating. She’s five years older than me, if you can believe that. Never had kids and doesn’t want them. She says she’s at the point that she wants to travel and enjoy life. And I want to do that with her if she’ll give me a chance. Look, I didn’t want to cheat on you, Carmen. I haven’t. I wanted to do the right thing and divorce before I start something with someone else. I’ve always done the right thing, and I’m not going to stop now.”

  She’s forty-five, thought Carmen. Christ.

  “I don’t know what to say,” said Carmen slowly. She couldn’t process all of it fast enough. She could feel the tears welling in her eyes. Anger was right behind them. If he didn’t want to try, then what was the point?

  “You don’t have to say anything. I have given you full control over the household account. There’s enough money to keep things going for the rest of the year. My attorney will be in touch with the full financial pack in a few months. Like I said, fifty-fifty, fair and square. I am going to pack up a few things today and take them to my apartment.”

  “Mark, wait, please, let’s take time to think before you do this,” pleaded Carmen. “I think everything would be different for us if we could have another baby. Don’t give up yet.”

  “Carmen, you still aren’t listening. And for God’s sake, please stop talking about another baby. You’ve been on it for years. Look, even if that’s what I wanted too—which it’s not, by the way—it’s never going to happen,” Mark said sharply.

  “You don’t know that. This could be our year,” replied Carmen, desperation in her voice.

  “No, it won’t be. It will never be. I can’t father children, Carmen,” said Mark.

  “Um, well, you obviously can, since we have Avery,” said Carmen testily, her mood quickly shifting from desperation to anger.

  “Carmen, I got a vasectomy after Avery.”

  Carmen was stunned into silence. And then she felt a cold fury. Everything suddenly made sense. Brutal, horrible sense. All those tests and worry and obsession for all those years. For nothing.

  “Why on earth would you have done that to yourself?” she yelled at him. “Didn’t you want more children? What is wrong with you?”

  “I knew that if we didn’t have more children, I would have my life back at forty,” said Mark softly.

  He had been planning this from day one. Her mom had been right all along.

  “Congratulations, I guess. You are free now!” shouted Carmen, her voice shaking with anger as she struggled to process how she could have missed this all along.

  Mark turned to leave the kitchen and go upstairs. “Mark, just out of curiosity,” Carmen yelled after him, “if you had a vasectomy, why didn’t those early tests show that? And why wouldn’t the doctors tell me?”

  Mark turned around and replied coldly, “Because I asked them not to. And they respected that confidentiality. And, by the way, you never asked.”

  No, thought Carmen. That couldn’t be true. She flashed back to that first doctor. He had told her that she had no problems and that “someday she could get pregnant.” He had never said Mark was the problem.

  Mark was right—she hadn’t asked. She had based everything that came after that on the faulty assumption that she was the problem. Stupid woman, she thought.

  She felt a well of anger surge and grabbed for the nearest plate.

  “If you think you have done the right thing for the last twenty years or that you are doing it now, you are deluding yourself!” Carmen screamed, and flung the plate at his head. It missed and struck the wall, smashing into hundreds of shards. “And just because you haven’t had your dick in anyone else doesn’t mean you’re not a cheater!”

  “Goodbye, Carmen. I didn’t want to end things like this,” said Mark sadly. “Tell Avery I will be calling her soon. And please don’t smash the good stuff.”

  “Come back and fight, you coward!” screamed Carmen. But it was too late. He was already walking out the front door.

  And as he pulled the door shut, Mark closed the book on the last twenty years of her life. Just like that.

  MARTHA

  Martha had been in pajamas since the funeral, which had been weeks ago.

  Robert was still not talking to her much, but he had at least figured out a day camp for the boys and had been dropping them off on the way to work and leaving early to get them on the way home. Her friends commented on how loving he was being by giving Martha some space and time to process her grief. It wasn’t love, Martha thought; it w
as fear. She bet that it was his greatest hope that she would snap out of it in a couple days, and then they could move on as if nothing had happened. If it were up to him, they would probably not talk about Lucy ever again. In this way, her mother and Robert were peas in a pod.

  The last time she heard Robert say Lucy’s name was when they had talked to the boys after the pair came home from their water park adventure. Bobby understood right away. He had a friend who had recently lost a parent to cancer. They were not sure about Jack. He understood that Lucy was not there right now but kept asking when she was coming back.

  Martha had tried to talk to Robert about it all later, but he had brushed her off and said that talking about “it” would just make things worse. It. So Martha had taken up residence on the couch with her old sketchpad and pencils; she didn’t have the heart for anything else. It was a bit of a rebellion, and she wondered when Robert would fight back.

  “Honey,” Robert said with feigned enthusiasm, “your boys are all home. I brought takeout.”

  “Okay,” Martha answered. “Why don’t you bring me mine over here.”

  “No, we’re eating at the table like a normal family. Let’s go,” replied Robert with a bit of edge in his voice.

  Maybe enough is enough, thought Martha. Talking won’t bring Lucy back anyway. She got up off the couch, resolving to pull it together, at least for the kids. Robert was right about that.

  After the boys finished their food (Jack at least, Bobby just picked at his), Martha and Robert sat alone at the dining room table.

  “I know the timing is terrible, Martha, but I have to make a choice about my September schedule,” said Robert.

  “What choice?” asked Martha.

  “Well, the medical college has actually offered me a permanent position and a grant to continue my research.”

  “That’s great,” said Martha. “Take it. Maybe I can start house hunting.”