Loving Edits

by Mickie B. Ashling

  “I have to go,” Tono said, pulling away. He removed the condom, tied it off, and threw it in the trashcan close by. “I need to check on Mick.”

  The guilt and shame washed over Tono’s face, turning his cheeks blood red. Paul reached out to try and stop him but was rebuffed quickly. “No!”

  “Tono, stay. Let’s talk about what just happened.”

  “Coño, Pol. There’s nothing to talk about. We’re animals.”

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Mick will understand, believe me.”

  “Bullshit! You say one word to him, and I’ll kill you.”

  Paul got up and started to pluck at the clothes that lay scattered throughout the room. He threw Tono’s pants at him. “Get dressed and get out of here. You’re a bigger idiot than I thought.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?” Tono glared while he hopped into his pants. He reached for his shirt and cussed out loud when he saw the torn fabric.

  “You can’t admit that you want me. That you’re actually interested in another man.”

  “I’m not interested in you,” Tono spat out. “I fucked you!”

  “And you loved it,” Paul sneered. “You loved every minute of it, and it’s tearing you up inside. You think Mick cares? I guarantee you that if you were to tell him you fucked me, he’d laugh.”

  “Mick loves me,” Tono said, outraged by Paul’s words. “He would be hurt if I told him we had sex.”

  “No, he wouldn’t, Tono, because that’s all we had. Sex!”

  “Estás loco.”

  “Maybe I am crazy, but I know your lover. Apparently, I know him much better than you. Mick can tell the difference between love and sex, and you, my dear Spanish bull, can’t.”

  “Fuck you, Pol. I’m out of here.”

  “Go. I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Don’t forget to do another chapter,” Paul said as calmly as if he were discussing the weather.

  He winced when he moved to retrieve the drawer, the sting around his asshole a persistent reminder of Tono and what they’d shared. He knew he’d be feeling the aftereffects for days, but he shrugged it off. It had been worth it to get this craving out of his system. Maybe now they could settle down and finish what they’d started out to do. Both manuscripts, Mick’s sequel and Tono’s romance, were the reason he was even in this scenario.

  He had reluctantly accepted the truth of Mick’s love for the impossible Spaniard. Given his health and uncertain future, Paul could deal with sharing, although he wished circumstances were different. Still, a little bit of Mick was better than nothing, but he could tell that Tono wasn’t buying into the concept. Maybe that’s what their fight was about.

  The editing was the reason they’d approached him, but their relationship was shifting and getting complicated. A part of him continued to resent Tono’s presence, as surely as the Spaniard resented Paul’s sudden resurrection. However, in the last few weeks, Paul had witnessed another side of Tono―tender, caring, and passionately committed to Mick’s happiness. At heart, he was a good and kind man, deeply in love, who would do anything to alleviate Mick’s suffering. Paul couldn’t help but wonder what it would feel like to be the recipient of such ardor. He was drawn to the incandescent and pure emotion that emanated from Tono. Feelings were starting to intrude on his thoughts, and they were unwelcome and obviously unreciprocated. The last thing he wanted was to cause more stress for Mick, who had more than enough on his plate. He didn’t want to subject him to a contest of wills between his current and past lover. Paul hoped he would find some time in the next few days to discuss this with Mick in private, Tono’s threat notwithstanding. He and Mick had a connection that went far deeper than anything Tono may have imagined. Paul would use this longstanding bond to get into Mick’s head and find out where he was really going with this.

  TONO slammed the door of the bathroom shut and sat on the toilet seat with his clothes on. He buried his face in his hands and stifled a scream. He was so angry he wanted to break a wall, or better yet, smash his fist into Paul’s smug face.

  He couldn’t believe he’d given in to the physical need and fucked the man. He thought he was a better human being, a loving and faithful partner, but he was all talk. He recalled Mick’s offer last night and his own outrage. He felt like the world’s biggest liar when memories of what had just happened assaulted him, arousing him once more despite his anger. It had been one of the hottest encounters of his life, and he was ashamed to admit it, even to himself.

  He heard a knock and Mick’s voice asking to come in. Tono wanted to run and hide somewhere. He was sure that the guilt would be written all over his face and Mick would know as soon as he looked at him, but he couldn’t think of a way out. He stood and unlocked the door reluctantly. Mick looked up from his wheelchair and smiled sweetly. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m going out with Samuel.”

  “Oh? Where are you going?”

  “I need a new laptop after my diva moment last night, for which I do apologize. I’m sorry, majo.”

  “Cariño, don’t apologize.”

  “I have to. I’m sorry if my ideas of sharing our love rubbed you the wrong way. I didn’t realize you were so rigid in your beliefs, but I will respect your wishes.”

  “Mick―”

  “What?” Mick looked up expectantly, hoping to be forgiven.

  “I can’t discuss this right now,” Tono said, his face frozen into a stony mask. He wanted to die, to be swallowed up by the earth, buried and forgotten. He didn’t deserve to be with Mick; he didn’t deserve an apology, of all things. He was the one who should be on his knees right now, begging forgiveness.

  “Tono?” Mick’s eyes filled, confused by the obvious rejection.

  “Cariño, let it go. I love you, okay?”

  “Are you sure?”

  Tono sank down on his knees and buried his face in Mick’s lap. He wanted to break down and tell him what had happened, but he couldn’t do it.

  “What’s the matter, majo?”

  “It’s nothing,” Tono mumbled, afraid to look Mick in the eye. “I just wanted to hold you. I hated not having you in my arms last night.”

  “I know,” Mick said gently. “Never again?”

  “I swear,” Tono answered, referring to his encounter with Paul. He gazed into the alluring violet eyes that overflowed with love and was humbled and ashamed once more by what had happened upstairs. “I promise never to do that again.” Tono was resolute and determined to make this up to Mick. If he had to give up his dream of writing their story, he would, just to keep his distance from Paul.

  “Kiss me, majo. You want to come with us?”

  “No.” Tono was glad to have the time alone. It would give him an opportunity to reflect on everything that had happened since arriving in New York. He needed to regain some of his sense of self, which had been sucked out of his body by the annoying man upstairs; the one with the frigid eyes who made his knees weak and turned his brain into a tortured mass of jumbled thoughts. Tono wanted to slap Paul across his patrician face, yet the very thought of kissing him or burying his cock into the inviting ass, which lifted for him so wantonly, made him groan out loud.

  He had to find a solution to the blond enigma who’d come into his life so suddenly and had every intention of staying.

  Chapter 24

  MICK spent the better part of the morning at the Apple Store deciding which laptop to buy. It had been a long time since he’d been anywhere near this much technology, so he was overwhelmed with his choices. It was also his first time out in public since he’d lost his ability to walk, and he was learning firsthand how a wheelchair could change the way people perceived him.

  Mick knew that he was luckier than most; he had Samuel to push him around and help him in and out of the car. What he didn’t expect was the overly solicitous fawning, or worse yet, the furtive glances cast his way while people tried to figure out what was wrong with him. The hardest thing to endure was the salesman’s manner of speech, enunciati
ng every word slowly, linking his ability to walk with his capacity to think and communicate. Thankfully, Samuel’s playful and easygoing manner set him straight, and soon the guy who waited on him stopped treating him like he was made of glass.

  By the time they left, Mick had a brand new laptop, a printer, and several other pieces of equipment that would make his writing much easier. The voice-activated application was discussed for future use, and he was relieved to learn the technology existed, should he ever need it. For now, his arms and hands worked fine. He tried not to dwell on the reality that some day he would not be able to type. It was too soon to start thinking along those lines, and the very idea depressed him. Samuel reminded him that he had a huge advantage over many others in the same situation. He had a life partner who loved him unconditionally and had the wherewithal to give him the best of care. His career was about to take off again, thanks to the completed sequel and a possible movie deal tied into it. He had much to look forward to, and that alone was worthy of celebration.

  Mick vowed to be as positive as possible, ever mindful of Tono and his own state of mind. He was worried about him, especially after last night’s argument. Mick conceded that perhaps he’d misjudged Tono’s capacity for tolerance with regards to Paul. In the past, he’d shared Mick with others, but it was strictly on a case-by-case basis and never went beyond the next day. Obviously, Tono wasn’t the kind of man who could have two partners comfortably, and to expect him to accept Paul of all people in a relationship with them was unfair. He wasn’t hardwired that way, unlike Mick, who could easily share his love between the two men in his life.

  Tono’s willingness to use Paul as his editor had been hard won, and to push him further, to include Paul in their inner and more intimate circle, seemed impossible at this juncture. He’d been unrealistic to expect Tono to fall for Paul’s charms, which in reality were not easily apparent. To most people, Paul appeared cold and arrogant, and he was to a large degree, but Mick knew there was so much more: the softer, generous, and giving side he kept under wraps, to start. It was this Paul he was hoping Tono would glimpse, accomplishing the transition from a partnership of two to a unit of three.

  “Where would you like to have lunch?” Samuel asked, weaving his way in and out of traffic. They were riding in his minivan, and Samuel muttered expletives at the usual gridlock and the pedestrians who surged across the streets, unmindful of traffic lights. “Sometimes I wish I was back in Jamaica where the ratio of people to cars is about fifty to one. It’s a wonder that people drive in this city at all,” he murmured.

  “Most people don’t, Samuel. They take public transportation.”

  “Tell it to these cars,” he spat out, slamming his hand down on the horn. His normally peaceful countenance was turning murderous.

  “I don’t think you should drive at all,” Mick teased. “You’re positively insane at the wheel.”

  “Aww, mon,” he groaned, “I’m not the happiest man when I’m driving.”

  “Remind me never to get in the car with you again.”

  “Pick a restaurant so we can get out of this shit,” Samuel said.

  “There’s a nice restaurant on the ground floor in the Alcott Press Building, and they have parking available. Why don’t we go there, and maybe Paul can join us?”

  Samuel blinked at Mick. “You really like him, huh?”

  “What’s not to like?”

  “Tono isn’t too crazy about him,” Samuel said, looking at Mick knowingly. “I would tread carefully, mon. You have a good thing going with your partner, and this Paul person smells of trouble.”

  “Nah… you don’t know him like I do. No one does.”

  Samuel shrugged and was silent, which worked for Mick. It gave him a chance to ponder their complex situation. He’d been assailed by his love for Paul. The powerful connection was resurrected as soon as they laid eyes on each other, rising like a phoenix, a possibility he’d never considered. It was difficult to comprehend because he was deeply in love with Tono. And if he was being pulled in two directions, he could hardly expect his proud and possessive partner to open his arms to someone Mick had berated since the start of their relationship. He remembered his bitterness, anger, and unflattering description of Paul when Tono had inquired about his past love. He’d painted an ugly picture of the man, so Tono’s first impression of Paul had been nothing short of negative.

  Since their arrival in New York, and the renewed acquaintance, Mick had hoped that Paul would explain what had happened the night of their breakup. Paul was much more approachable now, and his behavior had been generous and loving, yet he’d made no attempt to bring up ancient history, which made the entire incident even more difficult to understand. Mick’s thoughts went back in time, trying to find some clues to make sense of Paul’s betrayal.

  IT HAD been a few weeks after the book launching, a magical time when he was riding the wave of his success. He’d been interviewed by Oprah and was flush with his accomplishments, but he was eager to get home and share everything with Paul. His enthusiasm had been shattered when he walked into their bedroom and saw Paul nailing a guy he’d picked up somewhere. Paul had looked up in mid-thrust, sneering at Mick’s shocked exclamation of outrage, with an unapologetic and almost happy-to-be-caught-in-the-act expression on his face. Mick waited for them to finish and for the guy’s hurried departure before having it out with Paul.

  When Mick questioned his behavior, Paul had turned the argument around, accusing Mick of using him and the Alcott name to get published. Mick was so shocked by the statement that he had no response. That indictment was far worse than watching Paul fuck a stranger. To be misjudged so badly and labeled a user, riding on the coattails of Paul’s family and influence to achieve his literary success, was not only insulting, it was as devastating as a physical blow to his gut.

  He and Paul had worked on his book for years! It wasn’t a whim he’d embarked on suddenly, assuming Paul’s familial ties would guarantee him a sale. Mick had struggled and worked hard to make his novel the best it could be, with Paul by his side, helping him, offering suggestions, and being a listening ear. Paul had known he was an aspiring writer since they’d first met in high school. It was one of the reasons they’d been attracted to each other, sharing notes on literature and co-chairing the editing department of the school paper. Their attraction had nothing to do with Alcott Press. It was a meeting of the minds, and an incredible body chemistry, which had not dissipated over the years; it made the denouncement that much harder to bear.

  He’d packed his bags that night and was bitterly disappointed when Paul made no attempt to stop him. Paul watched him walk out the door and never tried to contact him; it was his call to Paul five months ago that reestablished a connection. The mystery of their breakup remained a big secret Paul refused to discuss, yet Mick was more than willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and open his heart again. Was it naiveté or wishful thinking to believe it would all work out? Paul was more than capable of turning on him again, and Tono had made it quite clear what he thought of this unconventional situation. It was a conundrum, made more difficult by the ever-present specter of ALS, which played a huge part in this puzzle. Mick’s determination to have both men in his life could very well destroy his relationship with Tono, a nightmare he was not willing to contemplate. He loved Tono passionately, and if keeping Paul out of their bed was Tono’s wish, then he would abide by it, albeit reluctantly.

  CENTRAL PARK in early October couldn’t have been more beautiful. The leaves were just starting to turn color, and the air was crisp with the hint of fall. Tono had decided to go for a run, to try and beat the demon out of himself: the demon called Paul Alcott who had gotten under his skin, without even trying. The memory of their earlier encounter today continued to torture him, and his body burned with desire for a man he didn’t even like. Conflicting thoughts plagued him, and because they were incomprehensible, Mick’s generosity and easy acceptance of his and Paul’s attraction was a g
ift he was not willing to receive. He scoffed when he remembered Mick’s words telling him that he shouldn’t feel guilty about it.

  Because he did feel guilty, and he thought it was wrong. He’d been raised Catholic, and even though he’d already broken several commandments by being gay, he’d accepted that part of his nature and had come to terms with it. However, having multiple partners and being part of a threesome wasn’t something he could live with. It screamed of deviance, and he could only imagine what his parents would make of it.

  They’d ignored his homosexuality because he was a superstar in the world of Jai alai. He’d brought home nothing but pride to a region of the country where men were men and the lines were clearly marked and drawn. His chosen sport was the epitome of all things male, and his fellow players and family ignored the obvious lack of a woman on his arm rather than admit they had a homosexual in their midst. Tono had always been a private individual, which was how he’d managed to retain their respect and admiration. There were only a handful of close friends who knew he was gay. Publicly, he and Mick had always been discreet, and whatever rumors swirled around their relationship remained rumors in the north of Spain; the public chose to believe their superstar was as macho as his performance in the fronton.

  Trying to explain Paul’s presence in their lives would be difficult. His parents would never understand it, and the young men who aspired to be like him would avoid him or call him names. His sport had no room for homosexuals, much less deviants. It was a given and he’d accepted it. Of course, no one would have to know, except things like this had a tendency to get out somehow. Even the most discreet would be at the mercy of those around them. He could hardly expect this sort of arrangement to remain a secret for very long.