Remy by the Sea

by Candice Blake

  I stopped at a photo of when I was a baby with my mom and my dad holding me in both their arms, smiling like they won the lottery.

  There was a conversation that we needed to have but I didn't know how to start it. Do my parents really love me even though I'm gay?

  This broken communication needed to be fixed for so long. I felt wiser, stronger, and smarter now after what I had gone through. I was ready to tackle my biggest obstacle.

  We started from the beginning.

  "Mom and dad, do you know why I left?"

  A moment of uncomfortable silence. The white fan squeaked as it oscillated from one side to another. The fork in my mom's hand clinked on her plate.

  "You left because of us, you thought we didn't care about you," Mom finally said.

  "Do you?" I asked.

  I looked at both of their faces. Older than the youthful image of them in my mind, eyes sunken and dark from the sun and the stress of work.

  "We care for you more than you think," Dad finally said.

  My body felt heavy and uncomfortable. The dining room we were sitting in felt much hotter.

  "Son, we didn't even know where in the world you were. We didn't know where you ran off to. We just knew that you didn't want to be home anymore. I am your mother and I had to respect that."

  "I know we said some hurtful things," Dad said. "But we know better now, we know how important it is to always be yourself. But it's a scary world out there and we want you to be careful, there are many unkind people in this world."

  My body felt an overwhelming sense of emotions, then tears filled my eyes, and my vision became foggy. It was what I needed to hear but I didn't expect it, at least not this soon. I was expecting to fight, to exchange more harsh words but I didn't have to and I was glad.

  My mom slowly got up from her chair and walked towards me giving me a hug. She rubbed my back, soothing me like I was a small child again, and it felt good.

  "You are my son," she whispered. "I'll love you no matter what."

  My dad reached his arm over and wrapped it around my shoulders. The three of us embraced in the small kitchen forgiving each other for the pain caused in the last few years.

  We spent the evening sitting in our back garden. My mom showed me all the new plants that she was growing with a smile on her face that glowed in the moonlight. I sipped on the warm herbal tea that she had made, my dad was in his rocking chair enjoying a rolled cigarette.

  I was grateful to be home, to get to see my parents again and to get to breathe the familiar southern coastal air. But in my heart, I knew something was missing, there was a heaviness to it that I couldn't shake off. I realized that Remy still had a piece of it, holding it somewhere in Canada.

  I closed my eyes briefly and imagined us on the island. In this daydream, he was turned away from me, his strong back flexed in the evening sunset. He was cleaning a fish, his head bobbing to non-existent music.

  Remy.

  I opened my eyes and my body sunk deeper in my chair knowing that he wasn't here. I didn't know when the next time I would see him again would be. I remembered his attempt to try and work something out but my reluctance to co-operate. And now that I was apart from him, I wish I wasn't so stubborn. I wish that I would swallow up my pride and give him a call.

  As the evening darkness rolled in, my parents retreated back into their room. I decided to go for an evening walk. I walked down the familiar alleyways of my childhood. It was littered with abandoned toys, pastel chalk drawings covered the walls and ground.

  White flowers blossomed from the cracks of the concrete. Sheer colorful fabrics hung from clothesline above illuminated by the moonlight.

  What was my plan now? I felt as lost in my mind as I was in these dark streets. I could stay here in this city, but did this place have anything left for me? I could up and go travel again, but did I really want to put myself through all that stress?

  I needed closure here with my family. Closure from the unfinished conflict that had burdened me this past year. Now that I got closure, I realized that nothing changed.

  This whole time, the issue I had with my parents was just a distraction from the real issue. This issue was within me. I was scared to love those who loved me back in fear of rejection.

  I was scared of getting too deep, too caught up emotionally in fear of getting hurt. I was scared of committing to one thing in fear of failing.

  But what was I good at? When was the last time I felt accomplished? I remembered the first few nights on Remy's ship when everything was still new and exciting. Remy had put me on deck for the first time.

  I remembered the teamwork involved to make that catch. The hook that I threw flawlessly into the water, the energy from being part of a team. I needed to look for that again, an environment where I could thrive in. One that would give me that feeling of accomplishment once again.

  19

  Remy

  It was a confusing time coming home to the east coast of Canada. I was back in my home for the first time in months. When I walked through the front doors, it seemed foreign to me even though I had lived there for almost ten years.

  "Are you sure you don't want me to crash on your couch tonight?" Jay asked standing by the door. He drove me from the airport straight to my place.

  "No, you should go home to Dylan and your kids. You've already done so much for me," I replied.

  "Alright, but if you need anything... don't hesitate to call me."

  I nodded and gave him a big bear hug, then he left. I walked into my kitchen and opened my fridge, empty except for condiments, a jar of pickles, and two bottles of beer. I crack one open and walk back into the living room, laying down horizontally on my recliner. Pablo jumped on and laid by my feet.

  I was happy we were both home safe but I knew something was missing. I closed my eyes and imagined Mateo’s face. I pictured the sun casting soft shadows on his smiling face. The feeling of running my fingers through his dark curly hair. The sweetness of his pouty lips.

  I wondered what he was doing in that moment so many miles away. I had that urge to call him, to ask him how he was, and what he was doing, but I knew it would be inappropriate. We both needed some space to heal, I needed time to figure out what the fuck I was going to do now.

  I thought about the idea of crab fishing again, of going back into the ocean breeze and violent currents that I was so familiar with. The ocean has been my second home for so long. What would my friends and family think if I told them I wanted to go back to the place that almost destroyed me? Would they think I'm crazy? I must be.

  I had a slight buzz after the second beer, my body felt heavy in the recliner. I walked upstairs to my bathroom and stripped naked, dropping my clothes in a pile on the floor.

  I stepped into the tub and turned the water on waiting for it to heat up. The sound of the rushing water calmed me.

  I slid in as it filled up and washed away the stickiness on my skin from being on the plane for so many hours. The warm water reminded me of the times Mateo touched me. How he would tease me with a gentle squeeze on my thigh then pull away making me want more.

  My cock hardened up at the thought of his body. His sensitive and delicate nipples that made him squirm whenever I put them in my mouth.

  I watched the water run over my chest, down the valley of my abs and around my hard cock.

  I wish Mateo was here in that moment so I could feel him against me, so he could take care of me like he did for so long. I ran my fingers lightly on the shaft, squeezing a bead of precum that leaked onto the tip of my finger. Then, I put it in my mouth tasting it.

  I thought about all the times Mateo let me squirt my cum in his mouth. He would swallow it eagerly like it was the most delicious thing in the world.

  I ran my palm down the shaft of my cock pumping it slowly at first then squeezing it harder and stroking it faster. My thick shoulders and forearms created waves as I pleasured myself in the small tub. I sunk deeper into the tub, still a bit
lightheaded from the beer, and closed my eyes. Submerged underwater, the world was muted and I had all my attention on how great it felt to stroke myself.

  I pictured Mateo's toned frame on top of me, bouncing on my cock with his palms pressed on my chest to brace himself. He always had a mischievous smile when we fucked like he was up to no good and it had always made me want to kiss him.

  I remembered the beautiful sensation of the cool aloe on my cock inside Mateo's fiery hot hole. It always led to my ultimate climax where I squirted rounds of hot cum inside him.

  In my wild imagination, I felt myself come close to an orgasm. I gripped onto my cock harder, the veins in my forearms were visible even under water as I stroked my shaft hard. Then I watched hot rounds of cum erupt from my cock, my body convulsing in the white tub that barely fit my large frame. I relaxed my body and opened my eyes watching the water wash the creamy white semen from my abs.

  I got out of the bath to dry myself off. Fuck, I missed him so much, and I've forgotten how to live by myself. I felt pathetic and I felt weak without him as if I lost a part of myself.

  I was back in my hometown where all my friends and family were, but why did I feel so lonely still?

  I walked into my bedroom and noticed Jay had left a voicemail.

  "Just got home, I'm not too far from you so give me a shout if you need anything. I mean it," he said.

  I was tempted to reach out to him but I didn't want to bother him anymore. I had already fucked up so much that I wanted to prove to everyone including myself that I was competent. Which included spending a night alone in my own home.

  I knew this was the first step to recovery and being back to normal. I was a grown ass man but for some reason, I felt like I was young again, more lost than ever. More scared than ever.

  I woke up to my phone ringing on my bedside table. It was 4 am. Fuck, Jay. Why would he call me at this hour? I rubbed my eyes and fumbled my hands on the table next to me, blindly trying to pick up my phone.

  "What do you want, Jay? Jesus, it's so early." I said.

  There was a brief silence on the other end.

  "It's me actually."

  I recognized that voice instantly. I propped myself up on my bed so that I was more awake.

  "Mateo?" I said trying to confirm that it was actually him.

  "Yeah, it's me. How are you doing?" He asked.

  "Umm..." I didn't know how to answer so I laughed.

  I heard him deep exhale, the way he would right before he let out a big smile.

  "Well, it's 4 am, so a bit sleepy. But otherwise, I'm doing okay. How are you?" I said.

  "I'm sitting on a milk crate in an alleyway right now."

  I panicked.

  "Are you okay? Is everything alright?"

  I felt the blood rush to my head.

  "I'm good, I'm good, Remy. I'm just going for a walk. The moon is beautiful tonight."

  "This late at night? Is it safe?"

  "Yeah, there's no one on the streets at this time. Besides, I feel like I can take on anything after what we've been through."

  I closed my eyes to enjoy the sound of his calming voice, pretending like he was next to me in my bed.

  "I miss you," I whispered quietly.

  He was quiet, and I was worried that I may have said the wrong thing. But it was the truth.

  "I miss you too," he said. "It feels weird being back in the city, but weirder that we're not together."

  I recalled the dream I was having right before his call woke me up.

  "I was just dreaming of you, Mateo."

  "What was it of?" He asked.

  "You were sitting next to me on the plateau on the island, and we were roasting fish. That's all I can remember."

  "Is it weird to say that I miss it a bit?" Mateo asked.

  "I miss it too. I felt safe there. Safe with you."

  "We made it our own home, a place of solace, and now we're ejected back into this crazy world. It feels like we're playing a different video game."

  "A video game that was once two players that's now only one," I added. "Let me step outside."

  I opened my eyes again adjusting to the darkness of the room. I noticed the bright moon that Mateo had mentioned earlier. I walked downstairs and stepped outside onto my front porch taking in a breath of fresh Atlantic air. Pablo pushed his nose against the screen door and joined me outside laying in the dewy grass.

  "Did you talk to your parents?" I asked.

  "Yeah, it went well and things are good, I think. I should've had that conversation a long time ago so that we'd all have peace of mind."

  "I'm happy that things are going well," I said. "Do you have a plan for your next move?"

  "I'm kind of lost to be honest. I don't know what I'm going to do. But then again, I didn't really know a few months ago when I climbed aboard your ship. And the few days we were on it, I remembered how great it was to be there with all those guys with a common purpose."

  "That was only a taste of it," I said. "It gets so much more exciting into the season, and it only gets more fun when we catch more crab."

  I felt my face soften a little at the thought of losing the ship, and the idea that I may never get to catch crab again.

  "Do you think you'll ever sail out into the ocean again? You know, to catch crab?" Mateo asked.

  "That's the only thing I know how to do," I said. "But I'm hesitant to make any rash decisions right now."

  "That's fair. I don't think you should let fear stop you."

  "In what way?" I asked.

  "I think that you can learn from what happened last time and improve on it now. Better crew, better safety precautions, better boat. It could be amazing," he suggested.

  "It's definitely on my mind to do that. But I wonder what my friends and family would say if I just get back into the business as if nothing happened."

  "Fuck what they say. Just do whatever you feel is right."

  "What does your heart feel?" I asked.

  Mateo became quiet for a moment.

  "My heart's telling me to come back to you," he said.

  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

  "Really? You'd come here to Canada?" I asked.

  "I'd like that. Now that I'm good with my parents and I've found my closure, I'm ready for something bigger and better."

  "What would you do out here in Halifax?"

  "Maybe go back to school, maybe find a job. For now, I just want to be in your company."

  "But you didn't feel this way when we parted ways," I said.

  "I didn't realize how much I was losing. How much I took you for granted until you weren't here anymore.

  The tenderness of his words left me speechless.

  "Do you think it's a good idea?" Mateo asked.

  "Yes. Yes, of course I do. I would be more than happy if you came here. There's enough room in my house for the three of us to live in. You, me, and Pablo."

  I smiled at the idea of seeing him again soon.

  "When do you think you'll fly here?" I asked.

  "I want to spend a bit more time with my parents before I leave again. But I want to be with you more than anything. It will make me happy."

  "It will make me happy too," I said.

  20

  Mateo – Six Weeks Later

  My parents took it well when I announced to them my plan to go to Canada. I hadn't told them it was to go see Remy and I didn't know how long I was going to stay there for. But I had a hunch that it was going to be for a while.

  I had the window seat near the wing of the plane and I watched it cut through the clouds. I couldn't sleep the night before and after getting a call from Remy at two in the morning, I knew he couldn't either.

  I closed my eyes and dreamed of his firm touch again, a tingle ran up my arm. It hadn't even been two months and I already missed him so much. But love, I've learned is like an intoxicating drug that’s more potent than cocaine. I knew we were both going through withdrawal from each other. />
  I received a message from Remy on my phone.

  "Hey, at the airport now waiting for you," he said.

  I was still a couple hours away. I didn't have a plan going to Halifax, as crazy as that sounds. But I did apply for a working visa a couple weeks ago to try and find a job. I even started looking at universities to apply to.