I Wished For You

by Colette Davison

  "I'll come," Connor said hesitantly. "It's a nice day."

  "Yeah, okay," Matt said, retrieving his bowl from the floor. "A walk sounds good."

  Of course it did, because his friends were trying to act like everything was normal and nothing had changed. And maybe, if Seb played along too, his fuckup would be completely forgotten. Not that he really wanted it to be.

  ***

  Things actually seemed pretty normal for the first few miles of their hike. They talked and joked around, and the earlier tension seemed to have dissipated. Maybe it really was that easy to gloss over his drunken indiscretion. The problem was, Seb felt hollow inside, like he'd given up the possibility of having something wonderful to keep what he already had intact.

  He kept noticing things about his friends that made him smile. The way Matt's nose would wrinkle right before he told an awful joke and how he'd shorten his stride so Seb and Connor could keep pace with him. Connor would sometimes walk backwards as he was talking to them, his footsteps sure despite not looking where he was going. He'd lift his arms and clasp his hands behind his head, causing his T-shirt and jumper to ride up, exposing a band of pale skin. Seb found himself wanting to touch that skin. With his fingers, his lips, or his tongue. Unable to banish the flush of desire, he looked away and focused on his feet.

  "Wow," Connor breathed as they reached the top of the hill they'd been steadily climbing for the last hour.

  They'd left the woods behind, and as Seb turned around to see what had caught Connor's amazement, his breath was knocked out of his lungs. He could see for miles. Woods, fields, and small villages stretched out before him as far as the eye could see.

  "Wow," he agreed.

  "You don't get views like this in the city," Matt said, standing with his hands on his hips as he breathed in and out harshly. "I think I need a rest, though."

  Seb was fine with that. There were some flat rocks close by on which they settled down. He couldn't help but notice that the way they sat left a healthy distance between the three of them. He pulled his water bottle out of his backpack and took a couple of swigs to refresh himself. His legs were aching slightly, so he was glad of the chance to sit and relax. For a while, he kept his stare carefully focused on the view. If he looked down, he could see the campsite and the river on the other side of the woods. There was a cold breeze, making him wish he'd had the sense to put on his coat and maybe wear a hat. Luckily, his thick, black curls protected his scalp from the worst of the cold. He half grinned, glancing over at Matt, as he recalled the time his friend had decided to shave his hair short.

  "What's up?" Matt asked, brows knitting together in confusion.

  "I was just remembering when you decided to become a skinhead."

  Matt scowled. "I was drunk." He ran a hand through his head. "You were the jerk who let me do it."

  "You sulked like a baby for weeks afterwards," Seb went on, his tone teasing.

  "Screw you, Seb."

  Yes, please. The thought shocked him, but at least he had enough wits to keep the retort firmly in his head. Of course, that meant there was an awkward silence instead.

  Matt scrunched his face up and mouthed fuck to the ground.

  Tension settled between them, thick and stifling. No problem, Seb decided. It would take time before little remarks would seem completely innocent again. But they would get there; they had to.

  "We should get going." He stood and lightly kicked Matt's boot. "Unless you can't keep up the pace?"

  Matt jumped to his feet, grinning. "It's you who'll have to keep up with me." He threw a couple of jabs into the air. "You're not as fit as you like to think."

  "I know I'm fitter than you."

  "You two need to grow up," Connor muttered.

  Seb hooked his arm around Connor's neck before he could think better of an action that brought them into such close quarters. "Nah, you're grown up enough for the three of us."

  He couldn't resist inhaling. The cologne Connor was wearing smelt zingy and fresh, like standing in the middle of an orchard of orange and lemon trees. He could have happily buried his face against Connor's neck to get closer to that smell, but Connor let out a strained laugh and ducked free.

  "One of us has to be an adult."

  Their banter felt forced, like Connor's laugh. They were trying too hard.

  I did this, Seb thought. I made us all nervous around each other. He didn't know what to do about it. Bringing up the kisses again would feel like rubbing salt in an open wound. Besides, he was sure denying he'd meant it for a second time would sound utterly false. Because it was. Every second he spent with them wove that truth into the fabric of his consciousness. He wanted to kiss them both again and burn his desire onto their lips.

  "Are you coming?" Matt asked, waving his hand in front of Seb's eyes.

  "Yeah." Seb rubbed his cold hands together. "Maybe we should head back? The temperature's dropping, and none of us are really dressed for it."

  "Yeah, good plan," Matt agreed, breaking into Seb's thoughts. "You happy with that, Con?"

  "Sure."

  Seb wondered what it would feel like if Matt gathered his hands up and rubbed them to warm them. Matt's hands were huge, like the paws of the friendliest bear imaginable. Were they soft or hard? He imagined Matt's would be soft, perhaps with slightly rougher patches on the pads of his fingers, where they were constantly striking a keyboard at work. Connor's hands would be rough from working on vehicles all day. What would it be like to have those two very different sets of hands caressing his bare skin?

  I have to stop thinking like this.

  He imagined ice-cold water being poured over his head.

  "Seb?"

  He shook himself at the sound of Matt's voice.

  "What the hell are you daydreaming about?"

  "Nothing."

  Matt's brow furrowed, but he shrugged his shoulders and turned back down the trail. Seb and Connor followed. They walked three abreast where they could. When the path narrowed, Seb was the one who fell behind. He told himself it wasn't so he could watch how the early afternoon light played across Connor's spiky light brown hair, or how the shadows of the leafless trees stretched across Matt's broad back. But it was. His drunken confession had literally opened Pandora's box, forcing him to realise that he had emotions for them that ran far deeper than friendship. Not only that, but that they'd been there for a long time. He couldn't pinpoint when friendship had crossed over into love. Even though the realisation had hit him last night, the deepening of his feelings must have happened over time without him even realising. With Craig out of the picture, the feelings he'd failed to recognise had morphed into desire. He couldn't step back over the line he'd crossed when he'd kissed them both. All he could do was keep his feelings to himself.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Matt

  Matt's week at work had been shit, which was the icing on the cake, after the weird weekend he, Seb, and Connor had had at the campsite. He'd been glad to get home at the end of the weekend and had even been looking forward to work, only to rock in on Monday morning and find their product owners had changed the goal posts on what they were supposed to deliver by five p.m. on Friday. He'd barely seen daylight all week. He hadn't seen much of Seb, either, even though they were living in the same flat, which had probably been for the best.

  When he finally left the office at gone seven on Friday, he wasn't in the mood to go out for drinks with his workmates. Thankfully, the product had gone live and was stable. Annoyingly, his was one of the names drawn out of the hat to be on call all weekend in case anything went wrong with it. Most of the time he loved being a senior developer, but that week he hated it and longed for some kind of windfall so he could jet off to a tropical beach, put his feet up, and drink Sangria until the sun set. All Matt wanted to do when he got home was devour a microwave meal, maybe watch a movie, and then head to bed.

  Seb was waiting for him. "Hey, I was going to order takeaway? Want some?"

  Mat
t stared at him, dumbfounded. Why had Seb waited until so late to eat?

  "You've had a shitty week at work," Seb said as though reading Matt's thoughts. "I figured you'd end up coming straight home, when you could, and that you'd appreciate something more nourishing than a microwave meal."

  Matt's stomach growled, agreeing with Seb. "Sounds great."

  Seb held up some leaflets. "Chinese? Indian? Pizza?"

  "Pizza," Matt decided with barely a pause. "The meatiest one they have."

  Seb laughed. "Will do." He picked up his phone and started to punch in a number.

  Matt leaned against the door jamb, watching as Seb placed the order. Maybe it was because he was tired, but Matt felt an overwhelming sense of appreciation that Seb had known he'd be knackered and had waited until he'd got home to eat. He couldn't remember the last time someone had done that for him.

  "Pizza will be about twenty minutes. Fancy watching a movie?" Seb asked.

  Sometimes it awed Matt how well Seb knew him. Not that it should have. Fair enough, they hadn't lived together before, but due to the length of time they'd known each other, they'd seen each other in every possible mood, witnessed every high and low. When Matt had been made redundant from his first job, Seb and Connor had been there to console him, drag him out of wallowing self-pity, and encourage him to get his resume sent out straight away. He'd landed another job within a month. They'd even accompanied him to his sister's wedding because he hadn't had a plus one at the time and couldn't stand the thought of going alone. A quiet laugh broke free of his lips, and his eyes became dewy at the memory.

  "You okay?" Seb asked, concern creasing his brow.

  Matt swiped at his eyes. "Just exhausted. You know what? I might grab a shower while we're waiting for the pizza, but then a movie sounds good. Do you want to choose something?" He knew that Seb's taste in films was close enough to his own, so he'd pick something they both liked.

  "Sure, I can do that. Take your time."

  Matt showered quickly, letting the hot water wash away most of the leftover stress from work. He dried himself off, wrapped the towel around his waist, and padded from the bathroom to his bedroom, which took him straight through the sitting room. Seb had queued up a film and was relaxing on the sofa. Their eyes connected, and then there was a brief moment where Seb's gaze wandered down Matt's body before flicking back up again to his eyes. A splash of red illuminated the bridge of Seb's nose, muted by his olive skin tone.

  It wasn't like they hadn't seen each other in a state of half-dress before. In the first week they'd lived together, it was fairly normal for them to pass each other wearing only boxer shorts or wrapped in nothing but a towel. Matt hadn't thought anything of it. But now, after what had happened at the campsite… Matt swallowed hard, unsure how to react. Seb's glance had been more than friendly. There had been lust in his clear blue eyes, if only for an instant. The blush across his nose proved his thoughts had been less than angelic.

  Their drunken kiss replayed in Matt's mind, and he could almost hear the scrape of their stubble as their lips and tongues had connected. A rush of heat travelled south to his cock. He glanced down before he was able to think better of it to see that the towel was slightly tented. Matt forced his eyes up again, realising in that moment that Seb had followed his gaze. Fuck. A different kind of heat flushed across his chest and up into his face.

  He cleared his throat. "I'd better go get dressed."

  Seb didn't say a word. After a brief hesitation, Matt marched into his room as quickly as he could. He sat on the bed, breathing in and out harshly. He was angry at his body for being so fucking traitorous. He wasn't into guys. He wasn't into Seb. And yet he had been turned on at the memory of that stupid fucking kiss. A kiss that they'd all agreed had meant absolutely nothing. He pulled on some jogging bottoms, hoping they were baggy enough to hide his half-mast. They rarely got used for actual exercise. He'd joined a gym but hardly ever had the motivation to go. He put on a T-shirt, and then returned to the sitting room.

  He sat down on the other end of the sofa from Seb, leaning onto his elbows. "It's been too long since I got any," he said by way of explanation.

  "Okay."

  Matt adjusted his jogging bottoms and leaned back against the sofa. The next words popped out of his mouth unfiltered. "I could do with a blow job."

  Seb snorted out a loud laugh. "Too much information." He patted Matt's shoulder. "But hey, if you're desperate, I don't mind obliging." Seb's laughter trailed off into a nervous chuckle. "Umm… that was a joke."

  "Yeah, yeah, of course." Matt couldn't look at Seb. A week ago, he'd have taken a comment like that and ribbed his friend with it mercilessly. Now, he wasn't sure at all that it had been meant in jest. He wasn't even sure that he wanted it to be a joke. He rubbed his jaw, clearing his throat again. "What would you do if I said yes?"

  Seb twisted on the sofa so he was facing Matt. "You're not going to say yes."

  "What if I did?" Matt kept his stare on the ceiling, but he was still able to see Seb shrug out of the corner of his eye.

  "I'd give you one."

  Seb's reply was so matter-of-fact that it sent a chill running up Matt's spine. It did nothing to ease the pressure in his cock. If anything, blood pumped to it faster.

  "Really?" Matt asked. Why the hell was he still talking? It was like he was engaged in a game of chicken with Seb, trying to see which one of them would back down first. He had no idea how far his head, or his cock, was willing to take it.

  "Sure, why not? It's just a blow job, right? It wouldn't mean anything."

  "But we're friends," Matt stuttered.

  "Wouldn't be the first time I've sucked off a friend."

  Matt's eyebrows crawled up his head. "Really?"

  "Yeah. You remember Zack, from high school?"

  Matt coughed. "Yeah."

  "Also a few guys I met in uni. Blowing someone you know—or having them blow you—is safer than meeting someone from a hookup app when you're feeling a bit frustrated."

  "Why didn't I know about this before?" Matt thought he'd known everything about Seb, obviously not.

  Seb shrugged. "It was no big deal, and I didn't think you'd want to know." He pursed his lips. "Either of you. But hey, if you want me to tell you about who I suck off from now on, I'll gladly clue you in."

  Matt stared at him. The tangent the conversation had run off in had done nothing to make his cock return to a flaccid state. An image of Seb on his knees flashed through his head. Despite himself, he groaned. What the fuck was wrong with him?

  "You're serious?" he asked, not sure why he needed the clarification. "If I were to ask you to blow me, you would?"

  Seb grinned at him, his eyes twinkling with something Matt couldn't name. "I'll get down on my knees right now, if you want." Seb's tone was jokey, but there was still a hint of seriousness to it.

  The doorbell rang.

  "I'll get it," Seb said, still grinning as he leapt off the sofa and headed to the front door.

  Matt flopped his head against the back of the sofa and breathed out slowly. He felt like he'd just stepped into the Twilight Zone or something. Now that their game of chicken was over, he realised he was shaking. His cock was still hard, but there was no chance of getting any relief unless… Squeezing his eyes shut, he tried to banish the crazy thought from his mind. He wondered what it would feel like. How different it would be to let a guy suck his dick rather than a woman. Seb hadn't shaved in a few days, so he had a thick, dark layer of stubble over his jaw and upper lip. Would that scrape painfully over the delicate skin of his cock or cause pleasure he'd never felt before? Fuck.

  The warm scent of grease and meat filled his nostrils as Seb laid a pizza box on his lap. Matt opened his eyes, noting to his horror that the box was tilted slightly because his dick was still standing to attention. Seb sat back down on the other end of the sofa, opening his own pizza box.

  "Are you ready to start the film?" he asked as though the weird conversation they
'd had before the pizza arrived had never happened.

  "Yeah," Matt breathed.

  Seb glanced at him from the corners of his eyes. "You okay?"

  Matt nodded. He didn't trust himself to speak. His voice would probably come out as a squeak.

  "I'm sorry for teasing you," Seb told him. "It was a pretty shit thing to do. It won't happen again."

  Matt felt almost disappointed. He picked up a slice of pizza and, balancing the floppy tip on his fingers, took a large bite. The juices of the melted cheese and meat flooded his mouth, giving him something else to concentrate on, other than whether or not he wanted a blow job from his best friend.

  Seb hit play on the remote control, and the opening scene of the most recent Terminator film flared to life on the TV. Pizza and a movie, with his best friend. In theory, it was the perfect way to spend a night after the hectic work week he'd had. In reality, Matt couldn't keep his thoughts on the pizza or the film.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Connor

  Connor was halfway through a tyre check when he noticed Matt waiting for him in the garage's small car park. He put his tools down, grabbed a rag, and did his best to wipe the grease and dirt off his hands before wandering over to join his friend.

  "What's up?"

  "Can I buy you lunch?" Matt asked.

  Connor's eyebrows pinched together. "Sure. Can you give me ten minutes?"

  Matt nodded.

  "Wait here."

  Connor jogged back to the silver Ford he was working on. As he finished the tyre check, he couldn't stop wondering why Matt had shown up out of the blue to buy him lunch. He took a little longer than the ten minutes he'd asked Matt to wait before he'd driven the car off the ramp and handed the keys back over to his boss, who would settle the bill with the customer. By the time he joined Matt again, he was a bundle of nervous anticipation.

  They wandered down the high street without saying a word and grabbed burgers at one of the fast food stores. They wandered a little further to a quad between high-rise office blocks, where there was a square of grass and a couple of wrought-iron benches. Being so cold, no one else was fool enough to eat their food outside, so they had the place to themselves.