Crossing the Wide Forever

by Missouri Vaun

  “Of course.” She handed the small book to Anna, who held it reverently with both hands, then slowly began to leaf through the pages, pausing to study each one.

  “Are you meeting family in Columbus?” Lillie watched Mr. McElvy as he looked at his daughter. It was obvious that he doted on her.

  “My wife will be joining us in a few months. She had to stay back with her sister, who isn’t well.” He fingered the brim of his hat in his lap. “We’re planning to homestead in Oklahoma. Anna and I will go on ahead by wagon to stake the claim.”

  “I see.”

  “And you? Are you traveling to Columbus also?”

  “I’m taking the train as far as St. Louis. And then on to Kansas.”

  “Well, then, maybe our wagons will pass on the prairie.” He smiled broadly.

  “Perhaps they will.”

  *

  It was another twenty miles from Hannah’s place to the Missouri border and then another day’s ride to Greenville. Cody decided to stop and get a few more supplies. In another day she’d have run through everything Hannah had given her.

  This would be her first encounter with anyone who wasn’t family. The first time she presented herself as a man. Nerves gathered in her gut like a clenched fist as she eased Shadow past the livery and then the blacksmith’s shop. She dismounted in front of the only mercantile along the main thoroughfare and tied Shadow to the hitch out front.

  Cody pretended to adjust some tie near the saddlebag, but really she was just taking a moment to settle. She took a few deep breaths and then climbed the plank steps up to the long covered porch.

  The one-story building was a combination of split logs and hewed timber. The hinges squeaked and the door banged shut behind her. A gray haired man talking with a customer looked in her direction but then turned back to his conversation at the counter.

  It took Cody several minutes of feeling like every eye in the place was on her to realize no one was looking at her. One man muttered howdy as he stepped past her to exit. She’d simply nodded a greeting as he passed.

  The wall behind the counter was covered with shelving, full of canned goods, flour, and other sundries. Cody studied the goods doing the math in her head to figure out what she could afford.

  “Can I help you with something, sir?” A young woman stood nearby, on the other side of the counter. Cody felt the woman’s eyes on her and heat rose to her neck. She tugged her hat lower over her eyes and tried to act natural. At this point, what did that even mean?

  Just relax; she doesn’t even know you. Cody cleared her throat and shifted her stance so that she took a step away from the counter.

  “I can get whatever you need. Just let me know when you’re ready.”

  “Could I get three cans of beans, a pound of cornmeal, and a half pound of coffee?” Cody tried to look at the objects on the wall, rather than make eye contact with the clerk.

  “Do you need the coffee ground?”

  “Yes, please.” Cody’s heart rate began to slow to normal. The woman hadn’t given her a second glance. Cody willed herself to relax. She sank her hands in her pockets and looked around the store. It seemed no one was watching her. She’d felt as if she were under a bright light, as if everyone were staring at her, as if she were on a stage, when the reality was all anyone saw were breeches and boots. No one seemed to really look at her.

  Maybe she’d looked like a boy all along. Maybe even more than she’d realized. Kids had teased her back home. Even her brothers had taunted her saying she’d secretly wanted to be a boy every time she picked a fight with them. Had they been right? Did she want to be boy? Not really. Cody liked herself, but she realized the moment she tossed her dress aside for trousers, that it was the clothes that had been the problem. Pants definitely made Cody feel more like herself than dresses, which had never felt natural.

  “Do you need anything else?” The woman placed the items on the worn wooden counter.

  “No, that’s it.” Cody fished in her pocket for coins and handed them to the woman. Her fingers brushed lightly against the woman’s hand and she smiled at Cody.

  “Have a nice day.”

  “Thanks.” Cody gathered the cans, coffee, and meal and once outside, packed them into the saddlebag.

  Cody had passed the first test. It had hardly even been a test. The tension across her neck and shoulders began to ease, and she relaxed into the saddle as Shadow ambled up the dusty road.

  There was a horse trail winding northeast from the edge of town. She’d follow it as it cut across the hills from Greenville to the main trail heading north all the way to St. Louis.

  She rode on until dusk and then made camp.

  Chapter Seven

  It would take a few more days to reach St. Louis. The farther Cody rode, the more she considered things. She realized that the things that bind children to their homes were all gone for her. Cody didn’t feel sad, just sort of empty as if she was waiting to discover the thing that would fill her up again.

  Close to the Mississippi River the farms got bigger. She figured that with the river for passage of goods, these folks could afford to keep larger places. But keeping a larger place required field hands for labor.

  Late one day, she passed a large green field where slaves were tending to the rows of brown shrubbery, speckled with white puffs.

  She’d heard their singing before she saw their dark figures, hunched over and burdened by long sacks dragging on the ground behind them, filled with cotton.

  The song carried the most doleful sentiment sung in the most joyful manner. Cody couldn’t completely comprehend the message, which partly sounded like a prayer, like souls beseeching their maker. The words of the song sounded bittersweet and anguished.

  She kept her hat low and her head down as if by looking at them directly she would be interrupting some private moment that she was never meant to witness.

  It seemed the song was sung not for joy but for sadness, the way tears relieve an aching heart. And for a moment her own sadness was pulled forth by the song as if it had given her permission to grieve. Tears trailed down her cheek, and she wiped at them with her hand.

  She wasn’t sure if she was sad for herself, or sad for shackled souls, or sad for the world, but whatever had been sung weighed on her chest.

  Shadow ambled along the trail until the red sun dipped low at her left shoulder and she could hardly see to make camp. Oddly forlorn and utterly alone, Cody huddled closer to the comfort of the fire. She leaned against her saddle and ate a can of beans.

  The unexpected surges of emotion had surprised her. Obviously, there were feelings she’d buried and hadn’t dealt with. It was probably good that she was getting the crying out of her system now.

  Men didn’t cry, at least not the ones she’d known all her life. She reminded herself of that. And she was a man now; she needed to start acting like one. She’d have to learn not to be so sensitive. Or if she did feel sensitive she’d have to practice not showing it.

  She set the beans aside and rummaged in her gear until she found her father’s riding crop. The braided leather was darkened in spots from use. She held it in her hand and studied it. She pulled a long strip of the thin rawhide braiding loose. She threaded the slender strip of leather through her mother’s ring and tied it around her neck. The ring slid down through the open collar of her shirt, cool against her skin.

  She held the whip in front of her, staring at it as if casting a spell on it, then tossed it into the flame.

  The leather slowly blackened and separated as flames licked it. The whip curled up on itself. Cody watched its destruction with satisfaction.

  She was free. She was her own person now.

  *

  Lillie carried one small suitcase with her as she stepped off the train in St. Louis. She’d need to flag down a steward to assist her with her two trunks and the remaining suitcase. After several days on the train, the thought of a night in a hotel was exhilarating: a hot bath and a good meal
and a good night’s sleep on a real bed. These things sounded like long forgotten luxuries.

  Her ticket had included a sleeper compartment seat, but the narrow, thin mattress on a shelf that folded down from the ceiling of the train car could hardly be called a bed. She felt fatigued because she hadn’t slept decently since she’d left New York.

  Steam from the engine hid the far end of the platform from view. Lillie surveyed the other travelers as they disembarked, gathered children, and met relatives who waited for their arrival.

  No one was waiting for Lillie, and for an instant she had just the tiniest twinge of anxiety at the thought of how far from home she’d traveled. She squelched the uneasy sensation and moved farther down the platform toward the cargo cars at the rear.

  “Can I help you, miss?” A gentleman with gray hair, thin across the crown of his head approached. He was wearing a cuff around his shirtsleeves at his forearms and had a dark wool vest. The gold chain of a pocket watch hung across the front. He looked official in some capacity. Lillie smiled with relief at his offer to help.

  “Yes, I need some assistance with my luggage.”

  “I’ll see that a porter fetches it for you. Is this your final destination, ma’am?”

  “No, I’ll be transferring to a steamboat. I’m meeting someone in Independence.”

  “Got a man waiting for you there?” He smiled at Lillie and motioned for her to follow him toward the rear of the train.

  “Yes, sir.” She figured it was best to leave the implication out there that she had a husband or a fiancé who was expecting her. Not that she sensed any mischief from this gentleman, but better to be safe. “Is there a hotel you might recommend for the night? I don’t believe the boat departs until sometime tomorrow.”

  “Why yes, ma’am. I know a place. Hey, Cody! Come here! See to the lady’s things,” he shouted at a young man not too far away. He motioned for Cody to come nearer. As the boy approached, the older man turned back to Lillie. “This is Cody. He’ll see you and your things to the hotel. Then in the morning someone at the hotel can get your trunks over to the boat launch at the levee.”

  Lillie nodded. She stood quietly, studying the young man as the elder steward gave him instructions and pointed toward a buckboard near the platform.

  “The lady would like a room for the night. See that you help her find her things and get settled at the Portsmouth Hotel.” He turned and spoke to Lillie. “It’s one block from the riverfront. You’ll be able to see all the boats and the dock from the front porch.”

  River traffic had increased to such an extent that St. Louis had become the second largest port in the country, and it showed. The dirt roads all around the train depot were swarming with activity, men hauling goods in all directions via wagon or pushcart. Emigrants and traders making for the West had piled on the train in Pittsburgh, and now seemed to all be disembarking in St. Louis.

  It was springtime, and travel to the West seemed to have begun in earnest. St. Louis would no doubt continue to prosper as the Gateway to the West, outfitting many a wagon train. But Lillie didn’t think she could make it quite that far on her own by wagon. And she had too much luggage to travel by stagecoach. Her plan was to take a riverboat to Independence and then embark by wagon for Kansas from there.

  “Do you have your ticket already, miss? The boats get pretty crowded this time of year.” Cody’s question called her back to the moment at hand.

  “Not yet. I’ll have to take care of that first thing in the morning then.” Maybe she should consider staying for two nights in St. Louis to rest. If the hotel was accommodating, that might be a very good idea. Then she could investigate the fare for passage on a steamer and not feel rushed.

  Lillie waited with Cody while all manner of goods were unloaded from the train. The steward had moved on to assist other passengers who’d also just arrived.

  Beside her, Cody held himself with casual confidence. His sleeves were cuffed to his elbows revealing tan, leanly muscled arms. His demeanor seemed pleasant. And as he moved to help with an unbalanced load from the nearby ramp, Lillie allowed herself to focus on his face. He was handsome, with a strong tapered jawline and smooth skin. She kept watching as he removed his hat and swept his fingers through short hair bleached blond from the sun.

  Cody turned and smiled at her. He met her gaze as he stepped back to stand beside her. Lillie found herself caught up by blue eyes that seemed to take in the whole of the sky and reflect it back at her. She felt heat rise to her cheeks because she knew she’d been staring. Lillie cleared her throat and averted her eyes, pretending there was something on the sleeve of her dress that needed her urgent attention.

  “I should properly introduce myself. I’m Cody Walsh.” Cody’s words held hints of a Southern accent. He took his hat off again and held it in his hand. His manner was polite, despite the fact that his clothing signaled a more rustic upbringing.

  Lillie silently chided herself for making any sort of judgments. As far as she was concerned, she was in a new world and the rules and assumptions of Eastern society probably hardly resembled the truth of this place.

  “I’m Lillie Ellis. It’s nice to meet you.”

  “Likewise.” Cody resettled his hat. “Just point out your things when you see them, and I’ll get them on the wagon.”

  Lillie nodded. A flurry of activity surrounded them as passengers and porters retrieved luggage, and horses and cattle were offloaded farther down the platform. The sun was warm. Lillie pulled the ties of her bonnet loose and let them hang. She really wanted to remove the covering from her head altogether, but she didn’t know how long they’d be standing in the sun and was afraid she’d get sunburned.

  The air seemed somehow different here. It was humid like New York, but it smelled different, and it felt different against her skin.

  Cody tried to study Lillie without her noticing. Every time Lillie would look away, distracted by some activity nearby, Cody would allow herself the luxury of watching her.

  Lillie had a peculiar air of refinement, a softness of manner. Her movements had a natural grace to them, her hands delicate but sure as she loosed the ties for her bonnet. Her posture was erect, but not stiff. Her brown eyes danced with curiosity.

  Lillie Ellis was beautiful in a fresh, dazzling, girlish kind of way. When she spoke to Cody, she sounded pleasing and personable. Not aloof or condescending, which Cody had half expected based on the fine dress she was wearing and her fair complexion. It was obvious Lillie had never labored in the field or probably even spent much time outdoors. She wondered what great thing would coax Lillie so far west.

  “That’s mine. And that one, too.” Lillie pointed toward two large trunks that had just been offloaded onto the platform next to several wooden crates and other luggage.

  Cody pulled a pushcart near the first trunk and hoisted it up on one end. Something shifted inside, and she gave Lillie a sideways glance. Lillie obviously hadn’t noticed. She was weaving her way among the other items on the platform as if she was looking for something.

  After hoisting the trunk onto the buckboard, Cody returned for the second trunk. Lillie had clearly found what she was looking for. She had a small suitcase in each hand as she stood near the remaining trunk.

  Cody busied herself loading the second trunk, which luckily was lighter than the first.

  She was conversant with hard work and hard characters so she’d had an easy time finding day labor when she arrived in St. Louis two days earlier. There was lots of work along the riverfront. Lots of black men worked as dockhands, but there was plenty of dock work to go around, so in many cases young white men worked side by side with black men loading wood and cargo.

  St. Louis was bustling with goods and travelers, and there was plenty of work if a person was willing to roll up their sleeves and get to it. With one more full day of work, Cody would have enough for passage to Independence on the steamer of her choice. She just had to pick one.

  The springs of the se
at at the front of the buckboard squeaked loudly as Cody dropped onto it. Only then did she realize that Lillie was still standing on the ground waiting for assistance. Lillie cocked her head and gave Cody a curious look.

  “Oh, sorry.” Cody hustled down and offered Lillie her hand. This was the one thing she had to keep reminding herself about. Women expected a gentleman to behave in a certain way, and Cody kept forgetting that as far as anyone else was concerned, she was a man and her behavior should align with her sex.

  Lillie accepted Cody’s outstretched hand but made no immediate move to climb up into the buckboard. She hesitated, studying Cody closely. And as she did, she held Cody with her eyes as if some silent conversation was taking place between them in a language that Cody didn’t fully understand.

  A tingling sensation flowed through her fingers, lightly holding Lillie’s. The sensation traveled up her arm and settled in the short hairs at the back of her neck. Unsure of what had just passed between them, she was about to take a step away from Lillie when Lillie slipped her foot onto a spoke of the large wagon wheel and braced against Cody’s hand as she climbed up. Lillie’s cheeks looked flushed as she regarded Cody from the high bench seat.

  Cody leaned against the side of the wagon, lowered her head into the shadow of the sideboard, and took a deep breath. It must just be the heat. Cody’s head was swimming with a touch of dizziness. She shook her head back and forth to clear the fuzziness from her noggin and then climbed up beside Lillie and turned the wagon toward the riverfront.

  Chapter Eight

  Lillie descended the stairs to the first floor where dinner would be served. She’d been lucky enough to get one of the last rooms available at the hotel. She’d taken a hot bath and sent her soiled clothing out to be laundered. As she drew closer to the first floor of the grand hotel, she could hear a random array of voices from the dining hall, bits of conversation, and laughter.