Crossing the Wide Forever

by Missouri Vaun

  “My head knows that, but my heart has doubts.”

  “Well, how can I convince your heart to trust me?” The question made Cody smile self-consciously. “Huh? Tell me how.”

  “I don’t know. My heart is set in its ways, I guess.”

  Lillie settled Cody’s head under her chin and draped her arm around Cody’s shoulders. She felt Cody’s fingers entwine with hers.

  “Cody, I’ll be back. I promise.” But she knew what Cody really wanted to hear was when.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  The trip was challenging for Lillie. She’d prepared herself for what she expected to be the discomfort of an overland trek by stagecoach, but the actual experience had exceeded her ability to imagine it.

  The roads were dusty, rutted, and in some places, muddy. Lillie wore a veil to hold at bay some of the dust from the open windows, but the fine powder seemed to seep into every crevice. The men who traveled with her covered their mouths with handkerchiefs, and by the end of the day the cloth was dark with dirt.

  When the oval coach had pulled up in front of the hotel the morning of her departure, she’d anticipated a grand adventure. The Concord coach was brightly painted vermillion red, like something from a western adventure story. The panels were adorned with paintings of landscapes. The coach could carry six passengers, three passengers to a seat.

  The ride itself was unforgivingly bouncy in the springless carriage. Lillie anxiously anticipated every station stop, which would offer her shaken internal organs a brief, motionless respite. Stations were located every ten to fifteen miles along the route. At each station the horses were changed. When the stage arrived, the tired horses were unhitched. Fresh ones, already harnessed, were hitched in their places. The changeover only took a few minutes. Even during brief stops, passengers could relax for a moment and use toilet facilities.

  By the time Lillie boarded the train in St. Louis, she was beat. On her initial journey out from New York she’d considered travel by train to be rustic, but her perspective had drastically changed in that respect.

  As the train pulled into the station in New York, her senses were assaulted by the smell of the city in summer and by noise—wagon wheels against the cobblestones, shouting men unloading from the cars at the rear.

  Lillie searched in the hubbub for a coach for hire. There’d been no time to notify her family that she was coming. And even if she had, she’d have probably arrived before the letter.

  “Where to, miss?” A man in a tall black hat took her bag and stowed it at the back of the carriage.

  “Washington Square, please.”

  The driver helped her down from the carriage, and she stood looking up at the brownstone. She was home. It felt so strange to be standing on the front steps after all she’d seen and done. How could a place so familiar feel so foreign?

  Lillie opened the door. “Hello.” She dropped her bag in the entryway. “Anyone home?”

  Her mother appeared and looked as if she’d seen a ghost. “Lillie! Why didn’t you send word that you were coming?”

  “There was no time.” She embraced her mother.

  “You look frightful! What’s happened to you?”

  “Why thank you, Mother. Oh how I’ve missed you too.”

  Her mother hugged her again. “It’s just that, well, your hair…”

  Lillie was sure she looked as if she’d walked all the way from Kansas, because that’s how tired she felt. She wanted a hot bath, a hot meal, and a bed, in that order.

  Emily and Sarah bounded down the stairs in hoop skirts. They yelled in unison as they reached the landing. “Lillie!”

  There were hugs all around, and both of her sisters were talking at once.

  “Did you see Indians?”

  “Do you have a beau?”

  “How is the frontier?”

  “Are you home for good?”

  “Okay, okay! I’ll answer all your questions, but first, a bath.”

  “Mary!” Her mother shouted for the maid. “Mary, run a bath will you?”

  “Is Father here?” Lillie was anxious to see him since she hadn’t gotten to before she left.

  “He’s at the shipyard. He’ll return shortly and he’ll be so pleased to see you.” Her mother examined her frazzled hair again as if she were looking for small creatures to be nesting there. “That’s assuming we can make you presentable before he gets home.”

  Lillie laughed. Before she left a comment like this from her mother might have made her angry or hurt her feelings, now it just amused her. She knew now that there were other things much more important than the condition of one’s hair.

  *

  Cody sat on the porch watching the sun descend toward the horizon. She wondered where Lillie was at this moment. Lillie had promised to write as soon as she arrived, but a letter would take more than a week to travel from New York. And it had only been a week since Lillie had left.

  She wondered exactly how strong the call of home had been for Lillie. Certainly Lillie had more to return to, more to miss. Cody had hardly thought of home at all. Except for her sister. Ellen was the only home she’d left behind. She worried about Ellen sometimes late at night. Did Ellen feel as if she’d been abandoned? She’d started another letter to Ellen but had left it unfinished on the desk.

  “Hello there!” Beth called out to her from the road. Cody had been so lost in thought she hadn’t seen her approach.

  Cody waved. “Hello.”

  “I brought you some dinner.” Cody stood up and took the dish from Beth.

  “You didn’t have to do that.”

  “I know. It was my excuse to Joshua. He needn’t know that he’s the only one among us who’d starve if left to his own devices for more than a week.”

  Cody laughed.

  “You never told him about me? I kinda thought you might eventually.”

  “He wouldn’t really understand. It’s better for Joshua just to keep things simple.”

  “Want to come in for a while?”

  “Yes, and please, eat that. It took me fifteen minutes to walk over here, but it might still be warm.”

  “Thank you. This smells great.” Cody sat at the table and spooned the stew up as if she hadn’t eaten in days. The truth was she hadn’t had much of an appetite.

  “She’ll be back before you know it.” Beth rested her elbows on the table and watched Cody eat.

  “I know. I’ve been busy keeping everything up by myself. The days do pass fairly quickly.” It was the nights that seemed to go on forever.

  “Joshua can move his shoulder pretty well now.” It had been three weeks, almost four, since the shooting. Mr. Sawyer hadn’t heard from anyone to claim relation to the two men that had been killed. Cody figured they’d never know their true identity. It was just as well.

  After she ate, Cody washed the dish and handed it to Beth.

  “I’ll walk you back.”

  “I would decline, but the truth is I’m still a little uneasy.”

  “That’s normal. I’m a little on edge too.” Cody touched Beth’s shoulder. “Better to be alert than be surprised.”

  “I agree.”

  They walked along the rutted road by the light of the full moon. Crickets sang loudly as they strolled along the wagon trail through the tall grass. Cody appreciated that Beth didn’t need her to talk much, because she wasn’t really in the mood. She was lonely and grateful that Beth had stopped in to see about her, but the kind of loneliness Cody was feeling could only be soothed by one person, and that person was in New York.

  After seeing Beth back to her place, Cody strolled home, stopping occasionally to look up at the stars. She’d left a lantern lit on the kitchen table. The soft golden light from that candle punched a hole through the infinite darkened landscape, calling her home.

  Home. She’d started to think of this farm as home, but it wasn’t home without Lillie in it. Cody wondered how long Lillie would really be gone. When pressed about her return, Lillie had
seemed unsure.

  Cody hoped Beth was right and that time would pass quickly.

  She blew out the lantern as she sank onto the bed. The window was open, and a breeze stirred the curtain as it passed. Cody closed her eyes and tried to call up the sensation of Lillie the night before she’d left. Had Cody said the right things to her? She wasn’t sure. The whole week leading up to Lillie’s departure Cody had shifted back and forth between being supportive and wanting to beg her not to leave.

  In the end, she’d known that this trip was important to Lillie, too important for Cody to derail it by falling apart or begging her to stay. If Cody kept Lillie from pursuing her career as a painter then Lillie would just blame her for it later for falling short of her dream.

  But what if she got to New York and decided to stay? Certainly there were many comforts for her there. Plus her sisters and her mother and father. She imagined that Lillie had a full and exciting life in New York, and she was probably rediscovering it right this minute, while Cody was alone in their bed.

  A wolf howled in the distance, the animal’s call soulful and forlorn.

  Cody rolled over and pulled the blanket along with her, up to her ear. She knew just how the wolf felt.

  Chapter Thirty

  Mr. Hutton’s gallery was in Greenwich Village, only a few blocks from her parents’ residence. They could have easily walked, but her friend and tutor, John Weathers, arrived at the brownstone early and they took a carriage over instead. Having spent a few months outside the city, Lillie found that her senses were heightened to the noise of it all. She also realized how rarely she’d glimpsed the horizon before living on the open prairie. Brick buildings obscured everything except an occasional glimpse of the Hudson River and the sky, but even the sky seemed smaller than it had when she was sleeping beneath it.

  Lillie could also see so clearly now how callous she might have seemed to John. He plainly had feelings for her beyond those of a mentor for a student. He was probably fifteen years her senior and not an unattractive man. In fact, his countenance had always been pleasing to her. He was a tall, thin man. It was obvious from his build and his manner that he preferred indoor pursuits to physical labor. His dark hair and beard were always neatly trimmed, and his hands were soft, almost delicate. He’d recently secured a position in the administration department at New York University so his career path had solidified. He could continue to produce his own work and have the support of a university position to balance his income as an artist. In addition to the respectability that came with a professional job, which sometimes eluded full-time artists, unless they were dead or famous, neither of which described John.

  She felt sad now for the men who’d made attempts to garner her affections. Because she knew what it felt like to have romantic feelings for someone. Had Cody not returned those feelings she’d have been crushed.

  The carriage stopped, and John turned to help Lillie step down. She’d had to remind herself that upon returning to the city she was no longer the strong, capable woman she’d been on the frontier. She was a lady, and as such must be attended to, protected, and her manner must be appropriately demure. Lillie had been in New York for less than a week, and she was already chafing for the freedom of open spaces.

  Mr. Hutton greeted them as they entered the stately brick building located on a mostly residential block. He was a rotund gentleman, probably in his fifties. He wore a jacket over a vest with a distractingly large gold watch chain draped across the front. He reached for her hand and held it for a moment.

  “You must be Lillie. I’m so pleased to make your acquaintance.”

  “Thank you for your interest in my work.” Lillie looked around the interior. There seemed to be two gallery spaces on either side of the main entry.

  “When John shared your paintings I told him that he must bring you to New York for the opening. We have a small gallery, as you can see.” He swept his arm out for emphasis. “But collectors respect the gallery’s ability to bring in the finest contemporary works.”

  Lillie was standing in a gallery discussing her first solo exhibit. She should be giddy with excitement, hardly able to contain herself, and yet, she wasn’t. The person who’d been there with her when the creation of the work had unfolded wasn’t here. Mr. Hutton was intrigued by the paintings, but she had lived them and so had Cody. As she stood listening to Mr. Hutton talk about the schedule and process for mounting the show, all she could think about was how much she wanted to talk with Cody about all of it, to be able to run home and share this moment with her.

  Had she made a mistake coming back without Cody?

  Lillie tried to imagine how she’d have introduced Cody to her family, to the city, to her previous life. She couldn’t quite picture it.

  John hovered near her elbow as they reviewed the paintings that Mr. Hutton had selected for the show. Mr. Hutton made observations and asked questions that sometimes John answered for her. She found this extremely annoying but held her tongue. This episode was a reminder of what her life had been like before. What life for a woman in the art world was like, a world primarily populated with and certainly controlled by men. In her time away, she’d forgotten what had so often frustrated her before or simply glossed it over in her memory.

  Somehow, despite her sex, she’d managed to capture Mr. Hutton’s attention by producing works she could never have painted living in the city. Not only did she have to leave the city to discover the subject matter that spoke to her, but she had to break free of her social conditioning to find her voice as an artist.

  It all seemed so painfully obvious now.

  She stood quietly and listened to John and Mr. Hutton discuss her use of color and texture and the best order to hang the artwork. How her perspective and cropping in certain scenes were highly unusual for a woman. For a moment, she wondered if they’d forgotten she was still in the room.

  “Mr. Hutton, I think you have everything in hand.” She was ready to leave before her temper got the better of her.

  “Lillie, as I said to John, your work is a rare glimpse of a landscape we can only dream of here in the East. No doubt the exhibit will bring in patrons who would normally not be interested in art.”

  “I hope so. The landscape has changed me. I hope the images inspire others to see the prairies for themselves.”

  “I’ll send John the details for the opening. I look forward to seeing you again soon.”

  Mr. Hutton ushered them to the door, and then they were down the steps to the waiting carriage. John took the seat across from her, but she wasn’t in the mood to look at him. She studied the passing neighborhood streets, which were narrow and sometimes curved at odd angles.

  “May I call on you tomorrow for tea?”

  John’s request caught her off guard. He probably wanted to discuss the exhibit. She had to admit that she’d let her mind drift while he and Mr. Hutton had talked.

  “Of course. Would three o’clock suit you?”

  “Yes, that would be fine. Lillie, I hope you’re excited about the exhibit. A solo show is a huge opportunity for you.”

  “I am. Thank you for arranging the meeting with Mr. Hutton. You’re a good friend, John.” She offered him a weak smile.

  They rode the rest of the short distance in silence, but Lillie sensed John was looking at her. She didn’t want to engage with him further. Wrought up and missing Cody, she simply wanted to hide in her room and be away from everyone for a little while.

  *

  Cody settled Ned and Britt into the small enclosure near the barn and walked toward the house. The cow and calf, along with Shadow, were in their stalls for the night.

  There’d been an afternoon shower and her boots were covered with mud, so she left them on the porch and continued into the kitchen in sock feet. It was suppertime, and she should feel hungry given all the fieldwork she’d done, but her appetite hadn’t been so good. She felt unsettled and homesick for Lillie’s company.

  Two weeks had passed,
and there’d been no letter with word of when Lillie would be back. Cody did the figuring in her head about the soonest possible day she could hope to receive a letter, and she thought it might have been three days ago. That was if Lillie had written as soon as she’d arrived, which is what she’d promised.

  She’d been to Emporia for cornmeal and sundries. Mr. Sawyer had insisted she take some venison his son had shot and dressed. She added it to a stew that she’d set to simmer on the stove midafternoon. Forking the meat, she could tell that it was nice and tender. She served herself a small bowl and sat at the table alone.

  Cody had always enjoyed being alone, but not so much anymore. It seemed that Lillie had ruined solitude for her.

  Lillie made her forget things, the dark nighttime thoughts, her weighted conscience, and her wounded soul. Lillie was like a ray of radiant warm light.

  She closed her eyes and rested her palms on the table’s smooth surface and pictured Lillie. How she touched Cody in ways that made her feel whole, understood, cared for. She sat for a long time, until darkness filled the room. Finally, she lit a lantern and moved to the bedroom to prepare for sleep that might be hard coming.

  Cody set the lantern on the dresser. She hesitated. Before she reached to take her nightshirt out, she opened the top drawer, Lillie’s drawer. She’d fought this urge because she was afraid it would only make her miss Lillie more. She lifted Lillie’s nightgown to her face and inhaled the faint scent of lavender.

  She was about to replace the clothing when something in the bottom of the drawer caught her eye. Her mother’s ring.

  For a moment, she was frozen, staring vacantly at the gold band, catching the lantern light and reflecting it back from the bottom of the drawer. Lillie had left the ring behind. The discovery cut her to the quick.

  She stepped back and dropped to the side of the bed in stunned surprise.