Sensing Serafina

by Elisa Ellis

  I drape it over some of the nearby boxes so that I can inspect the other contents of the trunk.

  An old doll, a small trinket box holding costume jewelry, and what looks like school items rest on one side, letters and cards on the other. Handling them gently, I finger the items carefully, feeling a connection to my mom that brings tears to my eyes, but the letters are what seduce me. I don’t know how much longer Dad will be gone, so I take the letters to my room after carefully returning the dress to the trunk. Not sure of the reason for the secrets, I don’t want Dad to know I’ve been rummaging through everything.

  Mother’s Day cards from me to my mom lie on top of the stack. Homemade, they are cutout hearts decorated with glitter, the elementary handwriting expressing my love for her. Despite the twelve years that have passed since she passed, the feelings are fresh. I miss her terribly. There are three, each from different years, and one has my kindergarten picture on it. I had just lost my first tooth in the picture and my sun-kissed brown hair was curled with a ridiculously large pink bow on top of my head. Giggling, I think, oh well, I guess I worked that giant bow.

  The letters appear to be from my father to my mother.

  Dear Gwen ,

  Do you know how much I love you?

  I’m so glad we were able to spend time together last night. I know your parents are worried, but they don’t need to be because I promise you, I will do whatever it takes to earn their trust. I can take care of you. I can work during the day and go to school at night. I’ll work two or three jobs if I have to. You and the baby mean everything to me, and there is nothing in this world that will keep me away from you.

  I know you wanted their approval, but I think getting married is still the right thing to do, and I cannot wait until this weekend, when you will officially be my wife. I love you so much, babe, and I promise I will give you the world.

  Please don’t be scared. Just trust me. I will pick you up on Friday night like we planned.

  Love always,

  Henry

  My parents never told me that I was conceived before they married, or that my mother’s parents didn’t want them to get married. Dad has been pressuring me to go to college since I was in junior high. I don’t remember his going to school; as far as I can remember, my father worked as a stock trader. We never lacked for money and were, in fact, considered well-off, so the revelation this letter provides shocks me.

  I find my Dad downstairs, having heard him come in about thirty minutes before.

  “Dad, please don’t be mad, but I found something that I want to talk to you about.”

  “Ok…” he says, slowly. “What is it?”

  “Well, I was bored and I was looking around and I found the pull string for the attic door. Anyway, I went up there, and I looked inside a big trunk. Why have you never shown me Mom’s wedding dress?”

  “I was waiting until you are older and ready to get married, Sera. What else did you look at?” He seems a little angry and nervous.

  “The letters. I read them, Dad.”

  “Honey, that’s personal. I wish you wouldn’t have done that.”

  “Whatever, Dad. You read my freaking diary, or do you not remember that? God, Dad, why have you never told me the story of you and Mom? That you got her pregnant before getting married and that Grandma and Grandpa were unhappy about it? You’ve always led me to believe you did everything right, Dad.”

  “Sera, I think I did do everything right, for the most part. I definitely don’t regret having you. Your mother was scared, but she was so thrilled to find out she was pregnant. We loved each other.”

  “Then why are you so against Cal and me? Seems a little hypocritical if you ask me,” I gripe.

  “Because I want the best for you. You need to go to college before settling down with someone. You are young; and, even though I wouldn’t change it now, I don’t want you to have to go through the struggles your mother and I had. Cal didn’t even know what he wanted to do after graduation, Sera. You’re going to Baylor. I don’t want him to hinder you. If you still care about each other after college, then you can explore a relationship, assuming he does something with himself. But I can’t stand by and watch you make a huge mistake without trying to protect you, even if I have to protect you from yourself. Plus, look at what that boy did to you. My God, Sera, you would have already been in college and never had to deal with all of the pain and trials concerning your injuries if it weren’t for him. He almost killed you, Sera,” my father says, getting louder with each word.

  “Dad, I chose to get on that bike with him, and it wasn’t his fault anyway. I love him. Why can’t you see that? I don’t have to do everything according to your plan. This is my life, not yours,” I yell back.

  “Sera, you are young. I know you care about him, but just wait until you are older to find love. Let me help you go to college, get settled in a career, and then maybe the timing will come.”

  “I’m not giving him up, Dad, no matter how hard you try to keep us separated.”

  “We don’t need to continue to discuss this, honey. You need to stay here and finish recovery. If he is still around waiting for you after that, then fine. But he’s a young man. He may have moved on already and you need to accept that. Ok?”

  “God, Dad. Thanks for being so encouraging. You’re right. I don’t need to discuss this with you anymore,” I tell him sarcastically, thinking he doesn’t need to know what I’m thinking.

  Now

  It’s been two days since Cal asked Mandy about me. I kept hoping he would stop by the diner so we could talk, but…nothing. Feeling disappointed, I decide to try not to think about it.

  Because we always have a large crowd for breakfast on Saturdays, I’ve been working since 8:00 this morning. Exhausted, I have to sit down for a break at 5:00, right as Mandy arrives for her shift to relieve me.

  “It’s been a crazy day today, non-stop,” I inform her.

  “Ugh. I hope it calms down some. My legs are sore from working out yesterday. As long as nobody drops something, I’ll be fine. It hurts to bend down,” she says groaning and laughing at the same time.

  “Join the club! My legs get so tired after a full day like today. I was running back and forth, back and forth. I had a table of 12 that stayed forever after they were finished eating. They were nice, but they were all chatting and just hanging out while I continued to refill tea and coffee. I finally got to sit down a couple of minutes ago, thank God.”

  “Well, I can take over from here so you can go home and chill,” she says, smiling.

  The bell on the glass door dings, alerting us of more customers coming in.

  Mandy smacks my arm suddenly and scream whispers, “Oh my gosh, they’re here!”

  “Ow.” Rubbing my arm, I turn to see who she’s talking about and immediately freak out when Cal and Ray are walking into the diner. Ray says something to Cal, and he looks in my direction.

  “I’ve got this,” Mandy says before walking to them and seating them in an end booth that is more out of the way. She comes back to me, telling me, “I sat them in my section over there so hopefully it will be a little quieter. They asked for you, so go over and sit with them.”

  “Come with me. My feet don’t want to move because I’m so nervous,” I plead.

  “Ok, fine, but then I have to get to work. Ok? I’ll check on y’all as frequently as I can though.”

  The butterflies in my stomach feel more like bats, fluttering gone crazy.

  “Hi,” I say, timidly before joining them. Ray is sitting on the opposite side, so I sit next to Cal.

  Breathing him in, I recognize the soap he used before. He smells so good.

  “Are you smelling me?” he asks, grinning.

  “What? No.” I lie.

  “I heard you. It sounded like you smelled me when you sat down.”

  I’m thankful he can’t see me blush, but that lasts for about two seconds when Ray decides to enter in to the conversation.

&
nbsp; “I think you must be right, Cal. She’s blushing.”

  “Dude!” I object, giving him a look that he better recognize before I die of embarrassment.

  Cal chuckles, the sound such a reward that I decide it was worth it. “So, how have you been?” he asks me.

  “Good. Umm, I’m living back here again. Like I told you, Dad took me to Dallas for treatment, but I left and came back. How about you? I really loved the sculpture you created. It was so beautiful. I had no idea you are so artistic,” I compliment him.

  “Thanks. I’m doing ok, especially right at this moment,” he tells me, flirting. He angles his body to better face me, causing his knee to touch my thigh. I swear I feel the heat from that one spot spread throughout me. His jeans and black fitted t-shirt look so incredibly hot with his brown, messy hair.

  And his lips. I’ve always loved the shape of his lips. I want to put my fingers on them. Kiss them. But I snap back to reality.

  “Me, too.” I concur. “Thank you for coming to talk to me.”

  “Yeah, I’m sorry about the other day. I was so surprised, and you would think I would have handled it differently, but I think I just didn’t know what to do or think. As you can see, I lost my sight as a result of our accident. It pretty much sucks. God, what I wouldn’t give to be able to see you right now.”

  I feel so horrible for him. I really can’t imagine what he’s going through.

  The adrenaline rush, a result of our meeting, gives me the courage I need to touch him. Grabbing his hand, I rub my thumb over the top in a reassuring manner. His head lowers at the touch, and he visibly looks pained and relieved at the same time, his audible sigh confirmation.

  Ray mentions, “Yeah, I had to kick his ass a little. This douchebag has been mopey ever since I met him, and then I find out that you are here and he told you to go. What the hell, man? I was like, ‘Hell no! You are going to fix this, ya fucking dumbass.’” Cal chuckles next to me, and the vibration moves through our hands.

  Oh God. I just want to hug him, or maybe straddle him, but that would be super inappropriate.

  “It didn’t take me long to realize I was a fool, anyway. God, Sera. I hate that we lost all of this time. I don’t even know how you feel right now, but I want to get to know you all over again. I want to find our way back to each other, if you think that’s possible.”

  “I want that, too, Cal. You have been my motivation for getting better this whole time. I’ve missed you every second of every day.”

  On that note, Ray decides to give us some privacy, getting up to walk over and sit at the counter. Mandy immediately meets him there. She only has one other table to tend to at the moment, so hopefully they can get to know each other.

  “So, where’s your dog? He was beautiful.”

  “I decided not to bring him tonight since Ray is with me. I have a cane that I have learned to use pretty well so I brought it instead. I’ve only run into a couple of buildings,” he jokes. “Luke is great, though.”

  Giggling, I say, “I had to use a cane for a long time, too. It’s great fun.”

  “Are you ok now, Sera? I can’t tell you how horrible I have felt ever since the accident. God, I’m just so thankful you are here.”

  “But your mom told you I was gone? I don’t understand.”

  “Yeah. I asked her about it after talking to you the other night. I was very angry with her at first, but I think she was just trying to protect me. I guess when she realized I misunderstood, she didn’t want to correct me because she wasn’t sure you would ever come back. Apparently, your dad saw her after the accident and told her to keep me away from you.”

  “Oh my God, Cal. That’s terrible. I can’t believe all of the ridiculous and awful things he’s done. I’ve told him over and over that I would find you. I had to sneak out. Left while he was at work. Can you believe he actually bought a new house in Dallas? So yeah, I drove all the way here by myself.”

  “And I’m so glad you did. If I could just talk to your Dad…well, I don’t know. He will probably discourage us even more when he realizes I’m…” His head drops again, this time in defeat.

  “Cal, stop. I don’t care what my dad thinks. I mean, I love him and I know he loves me, but he doesn’t control me anymore. Ok?” I ask, worried that he will leave again. “Besides, you said you would never leave me. Remember? And I’m gonna freaking hold you to it this time!”

  He raises his hand to touch my face, so I lean into it, soaking in the warmth and strength, an extension of who he is. I cover his hand with mine and turn to kiss it. Before I know it, he’s leaning into me.

  “Come here,” he whispers, intimately.

  Our foreheads touch, and it reminds me of the time we spent at the park once. We can’t exactly be affectionate in the diner, but at least we are able to connect like this.

  “When I realized I couldn’t see anymore, I was devastated; I’ll admit. But, it was losing you that really hurt. You were my light, Sera, and the darkness surrounding me for the last nine months has been suffocating me. I can’t ride anymore. I can’t travel the US like we wanted to do. I didn’t plan on going to school either but my therapist suggested it, and honestly, sculpting has given me a small outlet for my grief. You have been my muse, babe,” he tells me, smiling.

  “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that, Cal. I’ve missed you more than I can say.”

  His lips brush mine softly before he backs away so that we can continue to talk. It’s a kiss I can feel throughout my body, causing an urgency to pick up where we left off. Cal recognizes my desire.

  “Holy fuck, Sera. I’m dying here. Change the subject or something,” he says, shifting in the seat.

  “Ok,” I answer, giggling.

  Chapter 27

  Before

  “I really don’t need to go to rehab anymore, Dad. I can do the same things at home.” Trying to convince him is useless but I can’t help but try. After hearing Dad and Brett talking, I can’t stand the thought of seeing Brett. It’s funny how someone can be so attractive physically, yet disappointingly ugly on the inside.

  “You’re going, Sera. I don’t want to argue about this with you.”

  Sheesh. He’s especially grouchy today. I guess he’s taking a different tactic for controlling me. He obviously doesn’t want to even give me a chance for freedom. Of any kind. Quickly jumping out of the car, I don’t even tell him goodbye. His mood is contagious. Or maybe it was the other way around. I don’t know and I don’t care.

  Brett’s fraudulent smile deters my own.

  “You know, you need to work on that attitude of yours, Sera. Seems like you’ve reverted back to the negativity consuming you when you first got here.”

  “Seriously, Brett? Has it occurred to you that maybe you are the reason for my attitude?”

  “What the hell did I do?” he asks, sounding incredulous.

  “You were collaborating with my Dad, weren’t you? I heard you. I know there was something going on. Did he hire you to be my physical therapist? Why don’t you clue me in?”

  “I don’t know what you heard, Sera, but no, your father did not hire me to work with you. I advocated for you. Your dad wanted you to stay longer, not me.”

  “Then what the hell was he saying about you not getting some kind of grant?”

  Sighing, he opens up a bit more. “Ok. He didn’t hire me, but he did promise me he would fund a large grant for our facility if you and I ended up together.”

  “What?! You can’t be serious.” Shocked and angry, I want to hit something.

  “It’s not what you think though. Stop,” he says, trying to calm me down while I’m furiously pacing. “Just listen for a minute, will you?”

  My foot pointed outward with my hand on my hip, I can’t even look at him, but I stop to listen to what he has to say. He takes a minute to compose himself before explaining, “Ok. The thing is, I’m really attracted to you, and your Dad kind of noticed that when you first got here.”

&
nbsp; “How did he notice?”

  Shaking his head, he can’t help but smile when he continues. “So, I was checking you out one day while you were walking ahead of me. He pulled me aside and asked me if I had feelings for you, so I said, ‘yes,’ because I did, Sera. I do. But you keep talking about your boyfriend all the time, and I guess I just figured it wasn’t gonna happen.”

  “I’ve been very upfront with you about that, Brett. I’m sorry, but I can’t change the fact that I love my boyfriend.”

  Interrupting me, he adds, “Yeah, a boyfriend who isn’t here. I’m here, Sera. I am. I know you feel something for me. Your blush gives you away.”

  “Cal’s probably not here because my freaking dad is trying to keep me away from him. I just know he brought me to Dallas for that reason more than for anything else.”

  “Your Dad obviously loves you. I’m sure he would never try to hurt you. If he really is trying to keep you away from your boyfriend, maybe he has a good reason.”

  “Oh my God, Brett. You just don’t get it. I mean, of course my dad loves me, but he’s a control freak. He’s practically holding me captive. It’s ridiculous. And whatever his reason is, it sucks. Because I’m smart enough to choose who I love,” I say.

  “You’re right, and I’m sorry. Ok? Will you forgive me so we can just move forward? I genuinely do want the best for you. I want to help you recover completely; and, if your boyfriend doesn’t come through, will you consider at least one date with me?”

  Although I still feel frustrated, it’s nice to know that Brett isn’t as bad as I was beginning to think he was. The thought of his helping me while having ulterior motives disgusted me.

  “Fine, but don’t count on me coming back, because once I’m back with my boyfriend, I know everything will fall back into place. Thank you, though, for telling me the truth. I appreciate that, and I’m thankful for your help.”