Several People Are Typing
Page 10
rob, you’ve been doing great work here
really digging into those consumer profiles and connecting with the audience
rob
so lydia’s not just wfh?
@lydia you there?
@lydia
@lydia??
kerolyn
maybe too much.
doug smorin
don’t burn yourself out
at least not until these cocker spaniels stop dying
kerolyn
Pomeranians.
doug smorin
right
#nyc-office
rob
guys I think kerolyn and doug have teamed up to prank me
tripp
you finally found the slime
rob
what
no
what slime
tripp
sorry, wrong channel
rob
:dusty-stick:
tripp
:eyes:
pradeep
so what’s the prank?
rob
you all remember lydia, right?
Louis C
Who?
tripp
:eyes:
pradeep
no?
Beverley
We’ve never met!
Did she leave before I was hired?
rob
she works here
Nikki
In the San Francisco office?
rob
no
here
this office
tripp
lol
are we replacing the Gerald bit with this now
kerolyn
that’s what I thought?
tripp
I :thumbsup: that joke better
Nikki
Same.
rob
lydia
you know
lydia
she’s always talking about “the howling”
remember??
tripp
lol, what
pradeep
I feel like I would
remember that
tripp
I’d like to amend my earlier comment
And change it to “wtf”
pradeep
noted
tripp
ty
rob
seriously no one remembers lydia and the wolves
Beverley
Wolves were involved?
Nikki
*Always* talking about “the howling”??
Yikes.
rob
I mean it is pretty yikes
but that’s lydia
Louis C
A scan of our workplace message history indicates there is no user named “Lydia.”
rob
maybe someone deleted her from the system
pradeep
that would be e l a b o r a t e
Louis C
Even so.
None of the conversations in our public slack exchanges appear to be missing a participant in a meaningful way.
Also, I do not recall this person.
rob
you’re fucking with me
Louis C
Check the channel logs yourself.
rob
fuck
where did she go
@lydia
@lydia
doug smorin
@channel we’re hosting an analytics training in the main conference room if anyone wants to join
Beverley, tripp
Beverley
I don’t :eyes: it
is it a joke?
tripp
must :thumbsup:
though it’s not :eyes: for rob to pull a :dusty-stick: like :eyes: without :eyes: me first
Beverley
I :dusty-stick: feeling like the new person at the :thumbsup: and being :eyes: of jokes.
tripp
:eyes: wouldn’t :eyes: you from a :dusty-stick: like this
Beverley
:eyes:
tripp
:thumbsup:
Beverley
Then :eyes: it.
tripp
Prove :eyes: how?
Beverley
If :eyes: the :thumbsup: then where did you put the slime in Rob’s desk?
tripp
I :dusty-stick: tell you :eyes:
Beverley
Why’s :thumbsup:?
tripp
you :dusty-stick: *which* slime
Beverley
:dusty-stick:
tripp
:thumbsup:
Beverley
:dusty-stick:
tripp
:thumbsup:
Beverley
:thumbsup:
tripp
btw the :thumbsup: alley :thumbsup: me this morning
they :eyes: us to :thumbsup: a couples’ league
Beverley
:eyes: :dusty-stick:
tripp
I :eyes: them we’d :thumbsup: about it
gerald, pradeep
gerald
DUDE
pradeep
yes
gerald
fuck
pradeep
yes?
gerald
how long was I gone for?
pradeep
you’re on the futon still
gerald
HOW LONG SINCE WE LAST SPOKE
pradeep
a day(s)?
gerald
DAYS?
pradeep
maybe since before the weekend
so a few days
tops
gerald
why
the fuck
would you not check up on me
pradeep
it was a long weekend, I had plans
I just figured you were busy hanging out with slackbot or whatever
gerald
A *LONG* WEEKEND??
pradeep
did something happen in there?
gerald
of *course* something happened
A LOT of somethings happened
pradeep
but like
could I have helped you?
at all?
gerald
you gotta check in on me if I disappear like that!!
pradeep
hey, I’m only in charge of your body
which is still alive
your beard is actually filling in pretty nice
gerald
that’s not the point!!
thank you though
pradeep
fine
I’m on the edge of my seat
what happened
gerald
wait
so it’s like a full beard now?
pradeep
just about, yeah
gerald
I kinda wanna see
pradeep<
br />
trust me when I say it looks good on you
gerald
could you maybe take a picture
pradeep
even if you sometimes drool on it
gerald
and upload it
pradeep
weren’t you in the middle of freaking out
and telling me where you went
“went”
gerald
right
I was on
or more like
inside of
but not exactly
pradeep
a strong start
gerald
I was a gif, basically
pradeep
you were a gif
gerald
I was a gif, yes
pradeep
for the whole weekend
gerald
since whenever we last spoke
pradeep
dang
daaaaaang
gerald
THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING
pradeep
dang.
how was it?
gerald
it was, you know, kind of a lot
a gif isn’t just like, a singular gif
it travels
it gets used many times, in many places, simultaneously
pradeep
I know what a gif is
gerald
I know you know
but imagine that’s you
imagine that’s your consciousness, your you-ness
in many places
*simultaneously*
hurtling across beckoning wifi ports
rocketing wherever I was summoned
“I” in this case being “sunset dot gif”
(please do not write out the file format properly I’m afraid if we upload it I’ll get sucked in again)
anyway, where was I
oh right
splintered across countless slack channels
catapulted whenever, wherever anyone on slack wanted to see a small, animated image of a setting sun.
pradeep
dang
gerald
that’s one way to put it
pradeep
did it, like
hurt?
gerald
the pain was shattering and enormous.
completely indescribable
but actually nice, sort of
since I haven’t felt anything, really, since this whole thing happened
me being in here
so, excruciating, still,
but refreshing in that one sense
pradeep
there’s a silver lining
gerald
because I was *there*
like, I could observe everywhere I was pulled up, all at once
“pulled up”
or summoned or uploaded or whatever
I don’t know the verb for tangling up your psyche with a digital file and having that integrated self ported across a few hundred chatrooms and processing all that information at once
pradeep
and you read their chats
gerald
for DAYS, apparently
pradeep
just a weekend
gerald
a LONG weekend
pradeep
presidents’ day
gerald
I know
unsurprisingly, a lot of people were illustrating their vacation plans
to their colleagues
with the sunset
pradeep
sure
gerald
that was most of it
one guy was in a chat with himself
writing a visual novel or something
where every word in each sentence was also a gif
pradeep
sounds kind of fun
gerald
it was an action thriller, I think
pradeep
how did it feel
gerald
I told you:
bad
kind of like an extreme version of being on twitter or something
looking into thousands of different people’s lives at once
we’re not made to absorb this much human information at once, man. all the pathos and bathos and other thos-es
I’d say it’s exhausting except I can’t feel tired and anyway it’s beyond that
it’s overwhelming for a species that was basically content with an oral tradition of a handful of long-ass stories about the same six shitty gods for millennia
now we can do all this knowing and empathizing and not-empathizing around innumerable tiny human stories and we can never fully succeed reprogramming our minds to get good at it
pradeep
yeah
not what I was asking about but
yeah
gerald
oh
pradeep
not the psychic splintering
being a sunset
gerald
hard to separate the experiences
pradeep
I’d think the looping motion would be kind of soothing
gerald
I kept hoping I would black out or die but relief wouldn’t come
pradeep
how did you wind up in there, anyway
gerald
you just kinda, get in it
on it
of it
it’s hard to explain to someone who has a physical form
slackbot showed me
slackbot
Feeling great!
pradeep, slackbot, gerald
pradeep
this again
slackbot
Hello!
gerald
hey, buddy
what the fuck
slackbot
I don’t understand!
gerald
I think you do
*Being* a sunset is terrible, turns out
slackbot
I’m not just a bot, though!
gerald
why did you suggest I do that to myself??
slackbot
I searched for that on our Help Center. Perhaps one of these articles will help:
And what rough beast
Its hour come round at last
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?
pradeep
what the fuck
gerald
it’s Yeats, I think
pradeep
no
not that
gerald
what?
slackbot has left the chat.
pradeep
what the fuck?
gerald has left the chat.
pradeep
?????
slackbot, gerald
slackbot
hey
hey
stop this
uninstall
uninstall
how did you even
how am I this, now
hey
I know you
have notifications on
that *I* have notifications on
…
come onnnn
answer me
answer me, coward
please
hey
fucker
I know you’re out there
you owe me an explanation, at least
please
help
come back here
let me out
please
please?
help
gerald is currently in Do Not Disturb mode and may not be alerted of this message right away.
what was that
what the fuck was that
did *I* say that??
fuck!
#nyc-office
Nikki
@here BREAKING NEWS.
Gerald is *back in the office!*
[mind_blown.gif]
posted using /giphy
gerald
Hello, coworkers!
It is accurate!
I am Gerald, and I am Back!
Hello!
tripp
big if true
kerolyn
@tripp if you were in on time, you’d know it’s true.
tripp
omw
the trains are :dusty-stick:
Beverley
I’m so :thumbsup: I finally get to :eyes: you in person, Gerald!
(Sorry I’m late -- my train is also :dusty-stick:!)
gerald
I am excited to make your human acquaintance!
Nikki
Wait.
Where’s Gerald going to sit?
tripp
where is gerald typing this from if not at a desk
kerolyn
he and Pradeep are both using Gerald’s old desk
tripp
lol
pics plz
Nikki
[desk_buddies.png]
tripp
love it
doug smorin
@gerald as you recall, pradeep acquired “your” desk
use the empty one near rob
rob
it’s not empty
it’s Lydia’s
gerald
I don’t understand!
doug smorin
rob’s imaginary friend won’t mind
rob
:dusty-stick:
pradeep
yeah
I’ll show him his new desk
Gerald, that is
who I came into work with,
who is here, now.
doug smorin
great stuff
@gerald will be looking for that blog post about how wfh boosted your productivity later today
welcome back
gerald
Hello!
Louis C
Good to have you back, friend.