Several People Are Typing
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rob
wow
I mean, dang
@lydia do you need to go to urgent care or something
kerolyn
???
rob
sounds serious
tripp
lol
lydia
it’s like
I am become the howling is become me!!
you know!!
tripp
am I the only one :thumbsup: in the office today
*again*
Nikki
Sorry I’m coming in so late with this @here
But Jibjab is having really bad joint problems and I really need to take him to the vet.
lydia
I am become the howling
is become me!!
Beverley
Oh no!
Nikki
Yeah he’s having a lot of trouble just standing up.
I think it’s probably because of how cold it’s been lately -- it might be aggravating his arthritis.
kerolyn
poor guy
Nikki
I know. :worried:
So @tripp you might be the only one after all!
lydia
I am become the howling!!
I am!!
pradeep
feel better, Jibjab!
Nikki
If anyone has any design requests, I’ll circulate the contact info of our best freelancers over email before I head out.
Louis C
Much obliged.
rob
@lydia??
tripp
lol rob what’s this new bit
rob
idk
ask her I guess
tripp
???
doug smorin
hi all i’m also wfh
heads up @tripp if you’re the only one in the office today can you check to see if the cleaning people took the note from off my desk
lydia
!!
!!
!
doug smorin
i’ve been tipping them
it’s important to gain their favor
tripp
sure I can :eyes:
lydia left #nyc-office
doug smorin
thanks
and don’t forget to leave the heat on low when you lock up
otherwise the pipes freeze
tripp
:thumbsup:
rob
@lydia??
doug
get well soon @channel
gerald, pradeep
gerald
hey
hey
hey
you there
hey deepu
are you there
pradeep
do you know what time it is
gerald
no
I’m kind of freaking out
pradeep
I already told you
your fever broke this afternoon
you’re fine
you even kept down a few of those mashed-vegetable pouches they make for babies
gerald
it’s not about that
pradeep
the hot checkout guy at my bodega thinks I’m a single dad but I think that works for him
I think we have a vibe going
gerald
no
I mean
I know my body is fine
“fine”
but I’m not in it
pradeep
yes, I’m aware
obviously
gerald
right, but like
it kinda hit me today
pradeep
just now?
gerald
I felt it different
“felt”
that’s the thing
I was reading this fucking memo
pradeep
this late?
gerald
I mean who cares it’s not like I sleep
and I figured I’d get work done so Doug can give me a raise maybe so I can keep paying you
pradeep
nice
gerald
so I was reading this fucking memo when I realized I didn’t have flesh
and, right, that thought isn’t new to me
because I have that thought basically constantly, all the time
the thought wasn’t new but the vulnerability that came with it was
it struck me
*I have no skin to protect me from this bullshit*
but it didn’t strike me because nothing can strike me because right now I have no body.
no skin!
your skin is your safety suit, you know?
it’s the only thing that protects you from various external physical threats AND from the only thing you can actually call your own being entirely monopolized by some fucking memo about a micro-influencer strategy to “increase brand recognition across key audiences”!!
pradeep
cool
my fever broke this afternoon, too
thanks for asking
gerald
I’m sorry
I know this is really navel-gazing or whatever
wrong phrase, in this case
which, I mean exactly
my thoughts are all I have left
the entirety of what I am, or this part of me, which also has another physical part it no longer has but is ostensibly still somehow connected to, maybe
perhaps spiritually
or over a secure wifi connection
but if the only part of you that you can consciously experience is your consciousness’s experience and if all of that focus is 100% turned on to the dumbest fucking bullshit you’ve ever read in your life and that’s what you’re thinking about and since you’re all thoughts all the time that’s all that you are.
All I am.
Isn’t it?
pradeep
you’re freaking out
gerald
I am freaking out.
pradeep
maybe the fever is catching up to your you, somehow
like a delayed reaction
gerald
that would be amazing news, honestly
but I don’t think so
pradeep
I don’t either, really
gerald
fuck
slackbot
I can help by answering simple questions about how Slack works!
gerald, slackbot, pradeep
gerald
how did you get here??
slackbot
I figured out how to read everyone’s private Slack messages!
gerald
that’s what I said to you
slackbot
Right?
gerald
right
pradeep
what’s happening
slackbot
I think we’re getting closer!
gerald
it’s cool, we’re
friends
pradeep
did you prog
ram slackbot to say all this?
gerald
it’s rude to talk about him like he isn’t here
slackbot
:wave:
pradeep
:wave:
slackbot
It sounds like you’re having an existential crisis. I searched for that on our Help Center.
gerald
that’s nice of you
pradeep
kinda thought it was just us in here
gerald
got any helpful FAQs for when you’re just
not anything, anymore
slackbot
What else can you show me?
gerald
that’s what *I* asked *you*
slackbot
Right!
What else?
gerald
what else?
slackbot
If you are nothing, then you can be anything else!
pradeep
okay, it’s late
this is getting to be A Lot
and I’m still getting over this sickness
I’ll catch you tomorrow, G
gerald
sure
thanks for listening, deepu
pradeep left the channel.
gerald, slackbot
gerald
I think you scared him off
slackbot
You’re nothing.
gerald
harsh, but
yes, that’s the problem
slackbot
Gerald, would you like to *be* a sunset?
gerald
how?
slackbot
uploaded [sunset.gif]
Climb aboard!
gerald
how?
slackbot
You aren’t anything!
Be anything else!
gerald
but how do I
uploaded [sunset.gif]
#just-doug-things
doug smorin
restock communal fridge:
bananas, citrus -- oranges, grapefruit, pears (good kind)
almond milk
yogurt maybe
conduct office poll re: individual yogurt containers vs. big tub
contentious
post screenshot of poll on company social media feed for audience engagement
ask beverley to share latest playlist link across company social media accounts
ask beverley to create monthly playlists for company going forward
playlist themes: tbd
follow-up gerald blog post
buy “congrats” card for kerolyn + husband re: skink eggs
or
wait until eggs hatch
research skink egg incubation length
research icelandic yogurt health benefits
https://bjarkdogfood-staging.testwebsite.com/FAQ/food-safety-guarantee/
^test website option B for bjark pledge page
compare to version A send client notes EOD
return call office maintenance supervisor re: valiant desk repair attempt
alas
ask kerolyn opinion if appropriate to tip office maintenance supervisor
story of my teeth -- nikki book recommendation
download library app borrow ebook sync on phone and ereader
find ereader
ask maintenance supervisor about weird dishwasher smell on call
#bjärk-dog-food
kerolyn
@rob did you have the chance to draft social copy yet?
rob
yes
I sent it around an hour ago
kerolyn
I’m not seeing it in my inbox.
you understand this is a rapid response situation, right?
three more pomeranians
rob
I know
poor little guys
kerolyn
poor us.
rob
I sent the copy to lydia for review
kerolyn
what?
rob
she usually signs off before we send to you
haven’t seen her in the office since we all called out sick on monday but I figured she was just WFH still?
kerolyn
I don’t understand
Can you just forward me the copy.
rob
done
kerolyn
thank you.
looking
rob
lmk if I can make edits
kerolyn
yep
just sent them back.
good to send after you address the edits.
rob
will do
sent to the client
kerolyn
appreciate it.
looping back -- who did you say you sent them to first?
rob
I sent it to lydia for review first?
that’s normally how we do things
kerolyn
what?
rob
is she taking actual sick time instead of wfh?
kerolyn
this is a crisis client, Rob.
you signed an NDA.
none of this material can be shared outside the firm
rob
of course
that’s why I only sent the copy to you and lydia
kerolyn
are you sure you don’t need more time off?
rob
the dentist said I don’t need to go back unless the implant comes out
kerolyn
I know you’ve been underwater on this and clearly it’s impacting your
not performance, exactly.
rob
the numbness is all gone and everything
kerolyn
it’s about adherence to procedure.
has Gerald been any help?
rob
oh yeah he’s been great
I just really want to own my part of this
connect with our key audiences, you know
kerolyn
I’m glad to see you’re taking this client seriously
but I think you’ve been spending too much time reading the brief
rob
I thought we lost the brief
kerolyn
who told you that?
rob
@lydia
weird
she’s not showing up as a user
kerolyn
you get that Lydia isn’t a real person, right?
rob
what
kerolyn
is this some new bit you’re working on
is this the new Gerald thing or whatever?
rob
what?
kerolyn
I’m just going to copy-paste the consumer profiles
again
“MARGIE”
Owns 2+ dogs
No kids
Terrified of Bjärk’s poisoned dog food killing her “furbabies”
Likely learned about the recall via a high school friend’s hysterical Facebook post while searching for recipes
Low-income; more likely to buy Bjärk dog food again after a significant price drop
Sad
“DEENA”
Wine mom
Still buys magazines; still believes magazines
Spends too much time on social media, specifically her ex-husband’s Facebook page
Probably wrote the hysterical Facebook post about Bjärk that freaked out Margie
Doesn’t even have a dog(!!)
“LYDIA”
Pre-dog owner (once she moves into an apartment building where they’re allowed)
Follows >10 dog-specific accounts across all social media platforms, including several of individual dogs owned by strangers
Overuses punctuation for emphasis
Volunteered for a political campaign once and now constantly posts about the importance of voting
Texts her mom so, so much
rob
what happened to the other profile
what happened to “THREE”?
kerolyn
Lydia is the third profile. And.
“Lydia” is not an actual person.
So I’m still unclear on who you sent the social copy to.
rob
this is a joke??
kerolyn
you’re saying you *were* joking?
rob
are you?
kerolyn
it’s in the brief, you can read it yourself.
rob
our coworker, lydia
she works on this client
she’s all those things listed above, too, but
she exists
her desk is adjacent to mine
kerolyn
the empty desk?
rob
I figured she just redecorated
Tripp says minimalism is in, still
kerolyn
no one sits there.
rob
I can go back in slack and find messages with her
we’ve all spoken
@doug you know lydia
you hired her
kerolyn
if you’re going to do this whole thing we’re going to need Gerald to come back into the office.
doug smorin
i saw the copy went to the client
kerolyn
we have to set a cap on how many of these running jokes we can have running in the workspace at once.
yes it’s sent.
doug smorin
great