The One You Feed

by Renee Miller

  Hands deep in his pockets, Ronny’s anger slowly returned. He muttered to himself until he reached his house, the only one on the street with its lights on.

  “Let’s let everyone know Ronny’s late. Stupid bitch.”

  He slipped on a patch of ice, but avoided falling on his ass. The sudden movement wrenched his back, though. He walked carefully to the front door, rubbing the aching muscles surrounding his spine. He opened the door and tried to stomp the snow off his boots, but it didn’t work, so he pulled them off and stumbled against the wall of the porch. A hammer fell—one Devon had been using to build the stupid shit he was always building—and caught him on the shoulder.

  “Fucking kids,” he grumbled, and wrenched the screen door so hard the top hinge gave way. He’d fix it in the morning.

  Ronny went inside and flipped on the kitchen light. In the living room the TV played Gilligan’s Island, a show Dana hated. She couldn’t fool him. “Get out here and say what you got to say,” he called.

  She didn’t reply.

  He stumbled through the dining room and stood by the couch from where Dana stared up at him.

  “You’re going to wake the kids,” she said.

  “Fuck the fucking kids.” Ronny didn’t care about the little bastards at the moment. “You’re mad, so let’s have it.”

  “How much did you spend?”

  “None of your business. How about that?”

  “You just got paid. We’ve struggled through three weeks without money and now you’ve blown it all at the bar.”

  “I didn’t blow it all,” he lied. She always made him feel guilty for having a little fun. “I only had a couple.”

  Dana sat up. “You’ve had more than a couple.”

  “It’s my money. You’re not my mother. You think cause you’re smarter than me you can treat me like one of the kids?” Anger, thick and hot, boiled in his chest.

  Dana stood, folded the blanket and set it on the end of the couch. “I don’t think you’re stupid, and I’m not fighting about this now. We’ll talk in the morning when you have a clear head.”

  “You waited up for it, so let’s go.”

  “No.”

  He grabbed her arm, his only thought to stop her, to let her know he wasn’t her dog.

  “Let me go,” she said.

  “Fuck off then.” He shoved her away.

  She tripped over the coffee table, falling on her ass.

  “That wasn’t me,” he said. “That was your clumsy feet.”

  “I’m going to bed.” Dana stood, limping on one leg.

  Ronny was furious. She’s faking, making things seem worse than they are, as usual. “You want a reason to limp?” He kicked at her ankle.

  She fell.

  “There, now you’re really hurt.”

  Dana got to her feet and backed toward the stairs. “Don’t do this. You always regret it.”

  Ronny shoved her against the wall. “I won’t regret anything; you’re the one being a cunt.”

  Her shoulders sagged. She averted her gaze, as though she couldn’t stand to look at him. He wanted to let it be, but something inside wouldn’t let him.

  “Look at me.” He grabbed her chin, turning her head.

  “You’re hurting me.”

  “I’m always hurting you, aren’t I? If I’m so bad, why not pack your shit and leave like you did before?”

  She shook her head, pushing at his hands, trying to move away from the wall. “This isn’t the same. I’m not scared of you.”

  “You’re not?”

  All he heard was his father’s words running circles in his brain—useless, retard, bastard, fuck-up—only this time Dana spoke them.

  —

  When he woke, Ronny’s mouth tasted like shit and his head thumped to the tune of a million drums. Dana, curled into a tight ball, clung to the edge of the bed, as though she wanted to be as far away from him as possible. Grey light filtered from the window. It was early. He glanced at the clock—not even six yet. How mad would she be and how long it would be before she spoke to him without her now familiar tone of defeat?

  He remembered fighting with her the night before, but it was hazy. He’d be in the doghouse for a while. Bits and pieces filtered through his brain, the bar, the money.

  Shit, the money.

  A familiar and heavy blob filled his gut. Remorse and guilt. How much did he drop at Daisy’s? Somehow, he’d have to make it up, or she’d be more than mad.

  Jacob rustled in his crib set along the far wall and Dana stirred.

  “Hey,” he said when she sat up. “You okay?”

  She slipped on her robe and padded across the cold floor to Jacob’s crib. “No.”

  “Dana, I—”

  “Just don’t.” Dana turned.

  Ronny winced. A bruise, faint but visible, ran along her jaw on the right side of her face. Her lower lip, split in the middle and puffy, trembled as she stared at him.

  Shame washed over him. Hot and painful, it filled him until he felt the urge to gag on it. “I’m so sorry. God, I don’t know why I do it.”

  “Maybe you should figure that out. I can’t do this much longer.”

  He knew he was wrong for what he did, but nothing would take those kids from him. “I said I was sorry.”

  “I know you did, and I know you really believe you are.”

  Jacob whined and Dana set him against her shoulder. He nuzzled his chubby face against her neck and settled.

  “If you’d just stop drinking, this wouldn’t be an issue.”

  “I promise, no more. As of today, I do not drink. Not a drop.”

  He could stop any time he wanted to, and he would.

  Dana walked to the door, a slight limp in her stride. “I hope you can do it.”

  “Dana—”

  “I’m not joking. You’re pissed at the world and I won’t be punished for whatever you think it did to you.”

  She left, leaving the door open. He watched her walk down the hall and turn down the stairs. Moments later running footsteps echoed nearby. Hayley peered around the corner. Her brown curls nearly covered her chubby face. She must have been cold again in the night because she wore an old blue nightie with yellow leotards underneath.

  “Hey, Dolly. Why are you up so early?” The sight of her brought the full impact of what he would lose slamming into his heart.

  She slid along the wall, a nervous smile on her face. “I dunno. Where’s Mommy?”

  “Downstairs with Jacob.”

  “Oh.”

  “You wanna come in here? I’m going back to sleep.” Ronny patted the bed.

  Hayley ran around to Dana’s side and scrambled onto the bed. “Yeah. You drank beers, didn’t you?”

  “Do I smell that bad?”

  “No, I heard Mommy crying last night.” Hayley pulled the blanket up and settled into bed. “And you kind of stink.”

  Ronny’s heart slowed at her words. “Sorry,” he whispered, but she’d already drifted to sleep.

  —

  Dana set the bottle on the table and lifted Jacob to pat his back, watching the snow drift in fluffy clumps to the ground, her mind floated back to the night before.

  She felt like she hung on the edge of a cliff, but couldn’t drag herself up. Inside, was a void. The kids acted up and she had to force herself to deal with them. Ronny hit her and she didn’t care. She just wanted them to leave her alone, but she also wanted them to see that something was wrong and to help her.

  “What’s happening to me?” She kissed Jacob’s cheek and set him down next to her on the couch.

  Last week, she mentioned working, and Ronny seemed agreeable to it. Having something of her own made life tolerable with Garrett. Maybe it’d work again. Ronny wasn’t as bad as Garrett, so it might even save their relationship. God knows they desperately needed the money. Lying down next to Jacob’s sleeping form, she relaxed. Things had to get better. While she’d done terrible things in the past, no one’s life was
meant to be this hard. How long did she have to suffer for stopping Marcus? Her actions might have been morally questionable, but in the grand scheme, killing him should’ve given her good karma. She’d saved countless others from his sadism. That should count for something.

  CHAPTER 28

  Hayley helped her mom bathe Jacob in the big tub. Her mom hadn’t said much during lunch or when Hayley played with Jacob to distract him from the fact he was getting his hair washed. She smiled now and then, but it wasn’t her real smile. She just wanted to stop Hayley from asking questions. She didn’t need to ask, though. She knew why her mom was sad. Daddy was late and Mommy had to get someone to work for her. She hated it when she had to stay home from work.

  “Maybe Daddy got lost,” Hayley said. “That could be why he’s late.”

  Mommy lifted Jacob out of the tub and set him on the waiting towel Hayley laid on the floor for her. “I doubt it, but it’s not something you need to worry about.”

  “I bet he’s sorry. He doesn’t like to be late.”

  Mommy carried Jacob down the stairs. “I said you don’t have to worry about it.”

  Hayley trailed behind them. “Well, I have to worry, because I don’t like it when you guys fight. The last time Daddy was late, you guys yelled a lot and then you cried.”

  Mommy turned suddenly. “You shouldn’t be listening to us.”

  “I wasn’t listening on purpose. You were loud.” Hayley’s cheeks felt hot. They always did when she lied. “But he doesn’t drink beer anymore, so he’s probably just lost.”

  Her mom didn’t say anything. She dressed Jacob and set him on the floor to play. The phone rang. Hayley stayed on the floor with Jacob while her mom answered the phone. Though she tried not to listen to Mommy on the phone, her ears couldn’t help hearing. Mommy’s voice sounded funny.

  “She did what? Shit. I’m so sorry. Ronny’s not back from work yet, I don’t know.”

  Who did what? Hayley couldn’t stand not knowing. She handed Jacob a blue car, his favorite, and moved closer to the kitchen. It wasn’t snooping; she couldn’t help if her mom talked too loudly.

  “Yeah, I know. Okay, I have to dress the baby. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

  It had to be Amy. Her and Devon were playing at the park, because they were old enough to go by themselves. Next year Hayley could go too, as long as she stayed with Devon.

  “Hayley, get your brother ready. We’ve got to go.”

  Hayley sighed.

  Jacob grinned.

  “Come on, Monster. Let’s see what Amy did now.”

  —

  Dana walked as fast as she could. She’d fix things with Rhonda at the drugstore. Then she’d have to find Amy, the little bitch, and deal with her.

  “Mommy, you’re too fast,” Hayley panted, jogging beside her.

  “Sorry, I’m in a hurry.”

  When they reached the store, Dana didn’t want to go in. People would stare. They’d know. This town talked, and it talked a lot. It wasn’t enough that Ronny fed the gossip with his fights and his loud mouth. Amy had to pull these damn stunts and everyone looked at her like she couldn’t parent well enough to keep a kid under control.

  Hayley held the door open and Dana pushed the stroller inside. Jacob gurgled happily, pointing at the colorful packages on the shelf. “Dat?” he asked.

  “Shampoo,” Hayley answered.

  “Dat?”

  “Still shampoo.”

  Dana spotted Rhonda at the back of the store near the prescription counter. When she saw Dana, she rushed out from behind the counter and down the aisle.

  “I’m sorry,” Dana said as soon as Rhonda joined them. “I don’t know what gets into her sometimes. How much do I owe you?”

  “This time, I don’t care about the money; she’s banned from my store unless she’s with you. You can’t afford to keep paying for that kid,” Rhonda scolded, her round face crinkled in a frown.

  “I’ll pay. I owe it to you.”

  “It’s not about the money. I just wanted you to know what’s going on. If she comes in on her own, I’ll have to call the police.”

  Dana’s head whirled. She glanced down at Hayley. “Was Devon with her?”

  “Devon was still in the store, but I don’t think he knew what she was up to. When he ran out after her, he realized what happened and was pretty upset. I think he went to look for her.”

  Dana ran a trembling hand through her hair. “I’m so sorry.”

  “You didn’t steal anything.”

  “I just don’t know what else to say.”

  Rhonda touched her arm. “Just give that kid a swift kick in the ass for me and then get her some help.”

  Dana nodded and turned to the door. She’d called Social Services to get counseling for Amy, but they had a waiting list a mile long. Unless Amy was in legal trouble—or a threat to herself or the other kids—they’d have to wait their turn. At eight years old, legal trouble wasn’t a concern, not yet, and she would only physically fight with Devon, who could protect himself.

  Dana pushed the stroller outside.

  “I hate Amy,” Hayley grumbled.

  “We don’t hate anyone. I’ve told you that.”

  “She’s a jerk.”

  “That’s enough,” Dana warned. “They’re probably at the park.”

  “I don’t want to walk all the way to the park.”

  “I’m sorry baby, but we have to.”

  Hayley pouted. Dana couldn’t be bothered to scold her. Her heart raced, her head swam, and she felt short of breath. Soon nausea would kick in and if she didn’t get a handle on it, she’d be vomiting all night.

  Damn that kid. Why couldn’t she just behave? The medication was supposed to fix these impulses. It certainly cost enough. If it didn’t do its job, Dana wasn’t about to buy it again.

  As they came abreast of the park, she spotted Devon on the swings. She didn’t see Amy, but that didn’t surprise her. She would be hiding from Devon, who would stubbornly sit there until Amy came out.

  “Devon,” she called.

  He jumped off the swing, and ran over.

  “Where’s Amy?”

  He pointed to the large building in the center of the park. “She’s in the bathroom. She said she isn’t coming out and she didn’t do nothing. I’d have got her myself, but boys can’t go in the girl’s bathroom. It’s the law.”

  “Watch your brother and sister for me. I won’t be long.”

  Leaving the stroller with Devon, she stomped into the bathroom.

  Amy sat on a sink, legs swinging. “What?”

  “You know exactly what. You’re going back down to Rhonda’s, and you’re returning everything. And then you’ll apologize.”

  “I didn’t take anything.”

  Dana grabbed her arm. “You did and you know it.”

  Amy pulled away. “That’s abuse.”

  “Get your ass outside now. I’ve had enough of your shit.”

  She hopped down from the counter. “I hope Daddy hits you hard enough to make your head explode.”

  The hatred gleaming in her eyes chilled Dana’s soul. “Get out there.”

  “Maybe I’ll do it,” Amy taunted, walking past Dana to the door. “Maybe you should lock your door at night, because I’d stick a knife in you, sure as shit. Wouldn’t feel bad about it either.”

  She refused to allow a child to frighten her. “Watch your language, young lady or you’ll get worse than a grounding.”

  “So will you.”

  —

  Ronny came home at midnight.

  When Dana told him what Amy had done he shrugged. “Every kid steals. You just have to make a big deal of it because you hate her.”

  “She hates me.”

  “Jesus, not this shit again.”

  “She threatened to stab me in my sleep.”

  “Fuck, like a seven-year-old girl can hurt you.”

  “If she had a knife, she might.”

  “Pathetic.
”

  “Maybe I am.”

  “Maybe you are.” He shoved her.

  She braced herself against the counter.

  “I’m sick of being your bitch,” he said.

  “I don’t treat you like that.”

  “I haven’t gotten drunk or done anything fun in almost a year. Not once do you say thank you or even acknowledge that I’m trying. Instead you bitch about Amy, bitch about money. Nothing is ever good enough for you.”

  Dana couldn’t handle a fight. Not after the day she had. She tried to walk around him, but he kept blocking her path. “I’m sorry, Ronny. I didn’t realize I had to coddle you too. We can talk in the morning, when we’re both calmer.”

  He advanced. “I’ll fucking talk right now.”

  She backed away. “I’m tired.”

  “You waited up for a fight, you’ll get one.”

  She put up her hands, not sure what to expect. “I don’t want to fight. Stop it.”

  “You never want to do anything.” He grabbed her arms.

  Dana blacked out. She heard Ronny’s threats, felt his hands on her, but did nothing to stop it. Drifting further into the recesses of her mind, she hid from the pain that her body felt. Instead, she succumbed to the heartache she’d ignored for so long. Unlike Marcus, Ronny wasn’t a terrible person. She didn’t want to hurt him, and wouldn’t but she couldn’t see a way through his anger.

  Hopelessness filled her until she felt nothing at all. Something hit her face. Falling. Warmth against her cheek.

  “Sorry,” she heard him say. He was always sorry, but it didn’t seem to overpower his rage. “…fed the wrong one.”

  Suddenly it was quiet, not even her thoughts echoed in her mind. Dana sat up and searched the darkened kitchen; empty as her chest felt inside. She gave in to the weak part of her that begged to be allowed to unravel. Huge, wrenching sobs wracked her body, snot running from her nose unchecked. She crawled to the living room, not knowing where she wanted to go. She wanted out. Out of this house, her marriage, this hell that she called her life. She wanted to leave it all.