The One You Feed

by Renee Miller

  Maybe what she did to Marcus had been wrong. She wasn’t God. Sure, he deserved to die, but maybe the problem wasn’t him in the end. Not entirely. She could’ve spoken louder, made them listen to her, and then someone would’ve done something. Instead, she’d played judge, jury, and executioner. No one should have that much power.

  She climbed on the couch to stare at the wall opposite, her mind racing through the past. Marcus’ face loomed over her, grinning, terrifying, and then it vanished. All the pain he caused his own siblings, and they still lived the scars he left behind after all of these years.

  Garrett’s voice filled her head suddenly, spewing hate and anger. His rage filled her ears. He’d been kind once, though. Maybe she had ruined him, like Opal said. As his voice drifted away, Ronny’s replaced it. It embraced her chest, clutched at her stomach, until she thought she might drown in its pain. He only wanted to be loved and what had she given him?

  Judgment.

  He was right. She did hate Amy. She couldn’t help it.

  She sat up and caressed a thought—one that never crossed her mind before. If she were gone, they wouldn’t be in pain any more. If she weren’t here to make Ronny do this, he’d get better and her kids wouldn’t suffer for her mistakes.

  If she were gone, no one else could hurt her.

  On the stairs—her sides aching from crying, her head heavy and sore from Ronny’s blows—she climbed slowly, afraid she might stumble and wake the kids. She couldn’t do it if they woke.

  And she had to do it.

  She turned toward the bathroom at the landing, pausing at the door to the girls’ room. Hayley was in her bed, wrapped tight in her blanket, a little hole where her nose was so she could breathe. According to Hayley, the blanket kept the badness out. Dana wished it were that simple.

  She turned away. Nothing would change her mind.

  She opened the bathroom cabinet, blinking at the bright light, and searched its contents. Amy’s Ritalin sat on the middle shelf. She emptied the bottle into her palm. Her hand shook and several tablets fell down the sink drain. She quickly put the rest in her mouth, gagging as she tried to force them down her throat. Grabbing the cough medicine she used for the kids, she washed the tablets down with it. They burned in her throat. She drank until it was gone.

  After closing the cabinet, Dana stared at the woman in the mirror. Her face pale, eyes so sad… Suddenly she didn’t want to die. The woman in the mirror laughed. God, how she hated that woman. Dana hit her. The blow cracked her face and silenced her laughter. She pounded on the mirror until her hand ached. Blood covered the sink and the floor.

  “Dana?” Ronny called from the hall.

  Now he’d be angry with her too. She was stupid, pathetic.

  The door opened. Ronny swore and ran to her. He picked her up and examined her hands. “Christ, what have you done?”

  “I’m sorry,” she murmured, silently pleading with him to fix her.

  He looked at the shattered mirror, the blood, and finally the empty bottles on the floor. “Oh Jesus. What were you thinking?” He took her face in his hands.

  Her stomach rolled and the world darkened. She felt being lifted off the floor and heard Ronny’s voice shouting to Devon. No, don’t wake Devon. Her brain was heavy. Something in her mouth. Ronny’s fingers. No. Couldn’t take it back. What’s done is done. She turned her head. Couldn’t…

  A pain in her chest, her heart beat painfully within and so fast that she could barely take a breath. She stopped fighting it.

  “God, I’m so sorry,” Ronny’s voice in her ear. “Don’t go, Dana. Stay awake.”

  Why was he sorry?

  CHAPTER 29

  Uncle Danny roamed the house, making sure every room was clean and that they hadn’t ruined his hard work. Mommy came home tomorrow and Uncle Danny said they had to be on their best behavior because she was really sick. They weren’t even allowed to fight, because that would make her feel bad again and she’d have to go back to the hospital.

  Hayley didn’t want Uncle Danny to go home, but she wanted her mom back. Two weeks was too long for a mom to be gone. Uncle Danny had to go to work, because he already used up his holiday, so they had to go to Granny and Grandpa Sampson’s again.

  “Do we have to go?” she’d asked Uncle Danny last night. “I hate it there. It smells weird and Granny makes us sit on the couch and watch her shows.”

  “Just for a few hours. I’ll be back by dinner.”

  Amy would be happy because she always liked to go there. Jacob didn’t mind it either, but they spoiled Jacob, and he didn’t know anything yet. He was still a baby. Granny and Grandpa barely spoke to Hayley and Devon. It was so boring.

  “Why can’t we go to Granny Parson’s?” she asked as Danny got Jacob’s bag ready.

  “Because she’s busy and I don’t have a big enough car to take all of you over there. We can walk to Granny and Grandpa Sampson’s.”

  “It’s not fair.”

  Uncle Danny messed up her hair. “I know monkey. You’ll find a lot in this life isn’t fair, so better get used to it.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Why don’t you get your brother ready for me? Then I can get Devon and Amy going. Where are they anyway?”

  “By the creek. Devon wanted to go fishing.”

  “Really?” Uncle Danny made a funny face but went to the kitchen to call them inside.

  They all knew there was no fish in the creek, but Devon liked to practice. Daddy said when he learned to cast his reel without hooking himself or someone else, he’d take him on a big fishing trip.

  She climbed upstairs to Mommy’s room. Jacob was in his crib, bouncing around when he was supposed to be sleeping. “Okay, Jakey, time to go to the ogre’s house.”

  He clapped and she smiled. Jacob didn’t know what an ogre was, but then neither did Hayley. She knew it was a monster of some kind, which fit Granny Sampson to a tee. She probably ate little kids for breakfast. That’s how she got so fat.

  —

  Hayley and Devon sat on the smelly brown couch, watching a black and white cartoon flickering on the television. She didn’t care about the color, but there was no sound, because Grandpa didn’t like the noise.

  Granny and Amy sat at the kitchen table, sipping tea. Hayley thought tea was disgusting, but would have drunk it just to get out of the living room. Granny offered it to her and Devon once, but they spat it out, so now she only made tea for Amy, and if you weren’t drinking tea, there was no reason to be out in the kitchen.

  Grandpa bounced Jacob on his knee while Jacob giggled and drooled all over his shirt. He didn’t seem to care. Probably because he drooled too sometimes. When he spat a yucky brown stuff in his can, it got stuck on his chin, and stayed there because no one dared to tell him about it.

  “Sakes, Warren, it’s getting cold in here. You bring in any wood yet?” Granny asked.

  Grandpa set Jacob on the floor. “No. Guess I should.”

  He put his old boots on. They had holes in the toes and the laces were broken so he never tied them up. Grandpa looked really old and broken too, but Mommy said he was the same age as Grandpa Barry.

  “Hayley,” he called from the door.

  Hearing her name startled her, especially when he said it.

  “Come on, you can give me a hand.”

  She looked at Devon.

  He shook his head. “I’ll go,” he offered.

  “I told the girl to come,” Grandpa barked.

  Devon shut up real fast. No one argued with Grandpa.

  “Come on, let’s go.”

  Hayley slipped off the couch and walked to the door where she pulled on her red rubber boots.

  Grandpa grabbed her coat off the hook. “Don’t look so scared. I don’t bite, you know.” He smiled, displaying his brown gums and missing teeth. “Back in a bit. Might sit for a while, get some fresh air,” he called to Granny.

  “Make sure you close the door when you’re done. I don’t w
ant no more squirrels in the attic.”

  Granny and Grandpa’s house was small, but the yard was pretty big, although the kids weren’t allowed to play in it often. Out back, attached to the tiny brick house, was a large garage. To Hayley, it looked more like a barn; with its big wooden doors and exposed beams inside.

  Grandpa liked to sit on his bench, just inside the doors, and watch the people coming and going on the street without being seen. Amy said it was his secret place, where no one could see what he was doing. She’d stayed out of the garage after that, though Amy joined him in there sometimes.

  Hayley had never gathered wood before and she didn’t want to make him angry by doing it wrong. He was scary when he was mad.

  “Come on, girl.” He beckoned her to the door.

  Hayley went inside. Bits of sunlight filtered through the cracks and holes in the walls, but shadows stretched over every corner. The wood was piled at the far end. A wheelbarrow sat in front of it.

  “Just help me toss a few bits in here, then we can sit a while.”

  She helped as much as she could. The wood was heavy and it scraped her fingers until they stung. He asked her questions, lots of questions, which seemed odd because he rarely spoke to her. She answered shyly, her face hot, and prayed for them to be finished soon. She didn’t like having all of his attention.

  “You got a boyfriend yet?” he asked.

  “No, I’m just a kid.”

  “I’m sure in time, when you lose your baby fat, they’ll be looking at you.”

  “Daddy said no boys until I’m thirty.” She knew that was a dumb thing to say, but the way he looked at her made her head feel funny. She couldn’t think right.

  “Good thing you don’t take after your mother.” He winked. “They’d be knocking on the door already. It’s good for a little girl to be fat like you; the boys don’t notice you right away. Your daddy would be some pissed if he caught you with a boy already.”

  “I don’t like boys,” she said.

  “You will soon enough. Unless you’re a dyke.” He laughed, taking the wheelbarrow and pushing it to the door.

  “What’s a dyke?”

  “Never mind. Let’s sit a spell.”

  “Can I go in now? I’m cold.”

  “You’ll come and sit with Grandpa. I’ll keep you warm.”

  Her tummy hurt, as though a billion bees buzzed inside. The hairs on her neck moved, tickling and making her shiver. He stared at her funny, as though he could see inside her. She didn’t like that. She wanted to run, but he patted the bench.

  “Come on, girl,” he said. “It’s time we got to know each other. Don’t be so damn shy.”

  Hayley shuffled to the bench. A voice in her head screamed at her to get away from him, but she didn’t want him mad at her. She’d heard tales about how he used to whip Daddy. Swallowing her fear, she sat as far away from him as the little bench would allow.

  Grandpa moved closer and took her hand. His fingers were rough and spidery. He tickled her palm, tracing the little scratches scattered across it. “You know? I think you could be very special. Wouldn’t you like to be special?” His voice sounded strange, not a whisper, but really quiet.

  “I don’t know.” She just wanted to be out of the garage. The smell of oil and wood gave her a headache and it was so cold she couldn’t feel her toes anymore.

  He slid closer, so that his leg touched hers. “Your mom and dad ignore you now that the baby’s here. I’m sure it makes you sad.”

  “They don’t ignore me.” She shifted her leg away, but Grandpa just spread his wider.

  “I see you looking at me sometimes.”

  She wanted to go home.

  “You want someone to pay attention to you. All girls like that. You like to feel special.”

  Hayley watched his wrinkly stained fingers move from her hand to her knee. She stiffened. A funny warmth washed over her. Suddenly she wasn’t cold anymore, but still she shivered.

  “You want to be my special girl?” He moved his hand up her leg, just above her knee.

  She moved away again. “I’m cold. Can we go back inside?”

  He closed the distance she created between them. “You’re not the prettiest of girls, too fat for that.”

  “I don’t want to be pretty,” she lied.

  “All girls want to be pretty. I can show you how to be more special than the rest of them, even if you’re fat.” He leaned forward and kissed her cheek.

  Hayley wanted to cry, but terrified of angering him, she stayed rooted to the bench. The edge of it dug into her bottom, teasing her with the knowledge that freedom lay just a few feet away. No one could see them on the bench. Maybe if she stood…

  His hand on her arm forced her to sit. “Where are you going?”

  “I want to go inside.”

  “Ungrateful little—” he pressed his lips together and squeezed her arm hard for a moment. Just as quickly as the anger appeared, it was gone. He released her arm and then smiled. “Ain’t no help for it. I seen it a million times. All of you are the same.”

  “I’m just cold.”

  “You’ll be like your mother, good for nothing but fucking and babies. Might as well know how to do it proper.”

  His words hurt, made her chest ache as though he’d hit her. She knew what fucking was. Devon’s friends talked about it all the time. She didn’t want to do that. Not with him or anyone.

  “Stand up.”

  Hayley stood, her legs trembling.

  “Now, what we do here is our secret. Got it?”

  She just wanted to go inside.

  “Answer me, girl.”

  “Got it.”

  “You tell anyone and you’ll regret it. I don’t like when my special girls go blabbing our secrets.”

  He opened her coat and put his hands inside her shirt.

  Hayley backed away.

  His fingers pressed hard on her ribs as he pulled her between his legs. “Don’t be so skittish. I’m teaching you something important. You’ll thank me for this later.”

  A whirring hummed in her ears. The smells, his hands, his words, all spun around inside her head. “Someone might see us.”

  She hoped.

  His rough fingers moved to her pants. “No one can see us in here. Now, I’m going to show you something only special girls get to know. You tell anyone and I’ll see to it your mom gets hurt and so will you.”

  Hayley swallowed. The thought of anyone hurting Mommy made her stomach hurt. “Daddy won’t let you.”

  “Your daddy finds out that you know this stuff and he’ll want to do it too. He won’t care about your mom no more.”

  “He won’t hurt me.”

  “I won’t neither, but I’ll be mad if you tell. Can’t promise what I will or won’t do then.”

  “I’m just really cold. Please let me go.”

  “Faster you stop whining, faster you can go inside. Understand?”

  Hayley nodded. She couldn’t breathe as his hand slipped inside her pants while he fumbled with his belt with his other hand.

  Her throat hurt.

  Grandpa dragged her closer. “Give me your hand.”

  —

  Hayley stared at the ceiling. She wanted to cry, but if Uncle Danny checked on her and found her doing that, he’d demand to know why. She couldn’t tell him; he’d be so mad at her. Turning on her side, she brought her knees up so they touched her belly. Hugging her bear, she closed her eyes. She saw Grandpa Sampson, the bench, she smelled the wood and the oil, and opened her eyes once more.

  She wished that she could stop thinking about it, about him, but her brain just wouldn’t do what she wanted it to. She could still feel his hands on her, in places Mommy told her were her very own, private, not for anyone else to see or touch. Did Mommy know about Special Girls? Did she know what they had to do? Hayley didn’t want to be special anymore.

  Part of her yearned to tell someone, to know if she’d done a bad thing, but a bigger part, the part
that was afraid of Grandpa and afraid that Mommy and Daddy would be angry with her, told her to shut up. She didn’t want Grandpa to hurt them either, and she knew he would.

  If she never went there again, then she could forget it. Daddy wouldn’t make her go if she cried. He never made her do anything that made her cry.

  When Uncle Danny peeked in, Hayley pretended to be asleep. He moved away from the door. A voice in her head told her to tell him, even if he got mad, because he promised he loved her no matter what. Forever and ever. The words just wouldn’t come, though. With a heavy heart, she listened as he walked down the stairs. With the fading steps, her chance at getting rid of her awful secret vanished.

  PART FOUR

  Let a woman quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet.

  Timothy 2:11-12 (NASB)

  CHAPTER 30

  June 1984

  The soothing sound of the rain and the wind blowing outside suited Dana’s mood. Ronny had improved after her breakdown but as each day passed, he reverted to his old ways. It was like living with a ticking bomb, except she didn’t know how much time she had before Ronny blew.

  The pills prescribed by her doctor helped to dull the pain, but it seemed like she didn’t feel enough or react properly—it made her numb, but he promised that was temporary. She’d be her “old self” in no time. Dana wasn’t sure that was a good thing.

  And she was concerned about Hayley. In six months, there hadn’t been a night when she hadn’t woken them up with a nightmare. During the day, she would be withdrawn, almost hostile with those around her. Jacob was the only person exempt from her biting tongue and moody glare. Maybe the most troubling was that she refused to go to Ronny’s parents without them. If they pushed the issue, she would break down in tears or pitch a tantrum. Ronny gave in most of the time, but now and then, the visit couldn’t be avoided. Hayley would go, but she was strange when they returned. The whole situation sent tingles over Dana’s skin. She couldn’t imagine when anything untoward might have happened, couldn’t imagine Warren doing such a thing, particularly considering how much he hated children, but the suspicion refused to go away.