The One You Feed

by Renee Miller

  “Where the hell is that bitch?” Ronny asked once in the kitchen.

  Dana sat at the table alone, pen and paper in front of her. She had dressed in jeans and an old t-shirt but had forgotten to brush her hair.

  “She had to go get some paperwork first. She told me to list the events leading up to this. In detail.”

  “She has all of that already.”

  “She has the medical files and her own notes, but we have to write it down and sign it. Sort of like a statement. They’ll be changing guardianship to Social Services, but the court needs a reason.”

  “How about we’re done with her?”

  Ronny didn’t see what they could do if he simply refused to parent anymore. Behind him Amy laughed; he’d forgotten she was there.

  He turned. “It’s real funny isn’t it?”

  Amy faced him. The beautiful eyes he’d once stared into for hours were cold and hard. A stranger’s. “Hilarious.”

  “Get upstairs and start packing. Don’t say a fucking word to anyone either, just get your shit.”

  Amy walked to the living room where she kicked Jacob’s tower of blocks, the colorful bricks flying in all directions. “Whatever,” she said over her shoulder. “I can’t wait to get out of here. Bunch of fucking assholes.”

  Ronny started after her, but Dana’s hand on his arm stopped him.

  “She’s just lashing out. Leave her.”

  “Why are you defending her? You hate her more than I do.”

  Dana released his arm. “I don’t hate her.”

  “Bullshit. You never wanted her here. I bet you’re glad she’s going.”

  “I am glad she’s going, but not because I hate her. She needs help. I hate what her behavior does to us. We fight all the time about what she’s done and what we’re going to do with her. I just want us to be a normal family again.” She sat and covered her face with her hands.

  Ronny shuffled to the table, defeated. He pulled out the chair next to her. “They wouldn’t even tell me what she did to that little girl. What kind of a monster is she?”

  “God…” Dana shook her head. A tear fell onto the pages in front of her.

  “What if she can’t be fixed?” he asked.

  “It’s not that she can’t be better. I don’t think she wants to. I think she likes being this way. She feeds off everyone’s negativity.”

  Ronny nodded. A knock on the door startled him. He stood. Jane peered through the window. He waved her in. She looked exhausted with her usually perfect brown hair tied back in a ponytail and no makeup to mask the shadows under her eyes.

  “How are you? Where’s Amy?” Jane asked after she closed the door.

  Dana stood, her arms crossed as she absently hugged herself. “We’re okay. She’s upstairs, packing.”

  “Okay, good. I spoke to the Harrisons before coming over. They’re willing to make a statement for her file, but refuse to press charges or file anything official beyond that. Considering her age, the juvenile system will likely process it without filing charges anyway. I hope she’ll be put in the home without this going to court.”

  “If they don’t press charges, there’s nothing anyone can do.” Ronny said. He didn’t see why any of it needed to go in her record. What if she did try to change? This would ruin her.

  “Social Services has to report the incident to the police, even if the family refuses to charge Amy, but a child can’t be charged with offenses like this. Not in the same way an adult would be charged.”

  “If they change their mind, Amy’s future is ruined,” Dana said. “She’ll be registered as a sex offender.”

  Jane reached over to touch Dana arm. “She’s too young for this to affect her long-term. Even if this went to court and there was a trial, it’d all go away when she turns eighteen. Young offender records are sealed.”

  “God, I wish she’d just smarten up.”

  “Maybe she will. I don’t want to put her in the system, but it’s my responsibility to ensure Amy’s safety as well as any child that may come in contact with her.”

  Ronny sighed. He had to do something, go somewhere. “Where do I sign? I don’t want to stay here any longer than I have to.”

  “Where are you going?” Dana asked.

  He knew she was mad, but he didn’t care. He needed to vent steam. “To Harry’s or Mike’s. I don’t know.”

  “Sure,” Jane intervened, her calm voice diffusing the tension already thick as pea soup. “I’ve got it all here. Now, this is just precautionary. My bet is that the judge will give guardianship to us without your consent, because she has committed a serious criminal offense and poses a risk to her siblings. On occasion, we see a judge who tries to be more lenient, more understanding, so I think it’s wise to have this ready if that happens.” She laid out several papers.

  Ronny stared at the page packed with numbers and words.

  “You might want to read it first,” Jane said.

  His cheeks warmed. “I don’t need to read it. Do I sign next to the X here?”

  “Yes.” Jane handed him her pen.

  Ronny scribbled his name and then stood, his hand trembling as he passed the pen back to Jane. His head swam. The room whirled around him. He’d just given his child away. Signed her off like a piece of property. There was nothing more that he or Dana could do. Amy couldn’t be fixed. Didn’t want to be. He glanced at Jane, who offered a sympathetic smile as she passed the pen to Dana.

  When did Amy turn so horribly wrong? Why couldn’t she be normal?

  A shuffling noise drew his attention to the doorway. Amy made a big production of dragging her bag across the floor.

  “Hello, Amy. So, you’ve had a bit of trouble.” Jane smiled.

  She kicked at her backpack. “I didn’t do what they said. That kid is a brat.”

  “We discussed lying, Amy. I’ve already talked to the Harrisons. They saw you with her.” Jane’s tone was calm, even.

  Amy’s cheeks reddened.

  For the first time, Ronny saw what looked like shame cross her face.

  “It’s not like I forced her. I asked her before I did anything. She liked it.”

  Ronny couldn’t listen. That wasn’t shame. They caught her and it pissed her off. “I’m out of here,” he managed. “I’ll be back later.”

  He didn’t look at any of them as he left. As he pulled out of the driveway, he let it all out. Tears warmed his cheeks as he mourned the death of his baby girl—the kid in that house wasn’t his. She was an imposter.

  A monster.

  CHAPTER 37

  July 1991

  Hayley stretched her legs. She glanced at Kyle, Devon’s best friend, and grinned at the way he pretended he wasn’t looking. She leaned back and basked in the hot sun, giving him a better view of her bare stomach.

  Now that she actually looked like a girl and not a beanpole, boys took notice. It was nice to be noticed, finally.

  “Hey dork, you jumping or not?” Devon called from the water below.

  Kyle walked to the edge of the pier. “Yeah, I was just getting a run at it.”

  He turned to Hayley and winked. “Watch this. I’m gonna blow your brother out of the water.”

  She smiled.

  Kyle backed up and counted off before running off the pier.

  After the splash and her brother’s curses, she laid back on her towel. No amount of money would be enough to make her jump in there. The boys were nuts. First, it was too high, and second, the jagged rocks along the bottom of the river could cut them in two. Devon said that was part of the fun.

  Adjusting her bikini—the one her mom bought after her dad left last week—Hayley rolled onto her belly. A grey cloud moved over her thoughts at the subject of her parents. Since Amy left, there hadn’t been a day without a fight. It got worse when Amy came for visits; something they’d let her do the past few months.

  She hated Amy. Her parents always took her side and made excuses, like she was sick or confused. Hayley saw what she
really was: a deranged psycho. Nothing and no one would change her.

  She missed her dad, but definitely didn’t miss hearing her mom cry herself to sleep or getting awoken in the middle of the night by bangs and crashes. When her mom kicked him out, he promised to get help and to stop drinking. He seemed better lately, happier, but he still drank now and then. When she went to see him with Jacob, he cried and asked her to talk to her mom for him. She felt sorry for both of them. Why couldn’t they get their shit together?

  In the end, though, she knew they’d make up. They always did. And he never stopped drinking entirely.

  “Hay, you coming in?” Kyle called from below.

  “No. I’m trying to get a tan.”

  “Maybe once your freckles join,” Devon snickered. The boys dissolved into laughter.

  “Or maybe her boobs are like flowers,” Kyle said.

  “And the sun will make them grow?” Devon replied. “Is that what you’re trying to do, Hay? Are you trying to grow some boobs?”

  Hayley ignored him. She wasn’t sure when he became a jerk, but more and more she felt as though she didn’t know him. The old Devon would have stuck up for her.

  She turned her thoughts back to her parents. Her mom always told her to be strong. Never let someone make her feel small. Hypocrite. Kicking her dad out was the first time she’d ever seen her mom be strong. She usually preferred being the doormat. Although Hayley loved her aunts and uncles and Granny and Grandpa Barry, she couldn’t help but notice how they treated her mother as an object of pity. Like they didn’t respect her.

  Was that why she let Dad hit her? Granny often scolded her mom, telling her she made her own problems. Granny felt that anything related to family and what happened within theirs should stay there. No one was interested in dirty laundry. People should learn to fix their problems. Once, she heard Granny say that if Mom kept acting like a punching bag, then Dad would keep treating her like one. She made a good point.

  Hayley frowned. Her mom didn’t let Dad hit her exactly, but she stayed, no matter how bad things got. Sure, she kicked him out this time, but from the first day he was gone, she talked about “when” Dad came home, not “if.”

  Maybe this time he’d change for good. Then they’d work their shit out and Hayley wouldn’t have to visit him at his parents’ house. She hated sitting in Granny Sampson’s stinky dark kitchen listening to Grandpa Warren wheeze and cough in his chair for the whole visit. Why didn’t the old bastard just do them all a favor and die?

  Every time she thought about Grandpa Warren, the smell of oil and wood, calloused fingers on her skin forcing her to do things that she couldn’t erase from her mind, all of it drifted back. She couldn’t forget, no matter how hard she tried. Her mom pointed out that Warren had grown old and feeble. Even if he managed to get Hayley alone again, she could easily overpower him. She didn’t bother to explain the overwhelming fear just his voice could produce in her. Her mom had enough on her plate without knowing how he still haunted Hayley’s dreams. The way his eyes, old and feeble or not, stared at her like he could see right through her clothes, made her want to crawl under a rock and hide.

  When he smiled at her, that slobbery, tobacco stained, crooked smirk, she was seven years old again, sitting on that bench in the shed, unable to scream or run away.

  “Hey.” Kyle stood above her, his shaggy black hair dripping water over her back. “What are you doing later?”

  Hayley’s cheeks warmed. “Why?”

  “I was thinking we could hang out.”

  Hayley turned to stare at him.

  “You know…alone.”

  She had worked toward this for months. Mandy said he’d never ask her out, because he liked older girls. But Mandy had been wrong. “Kyle, are you hitting on me?”

  He reddened and looked toward Devon who was climbing up the side of the pier. “Can you or not?”

  “Sure, if Mom’s not working and I don’t have Jacob.”

  He stretched his legs over hers. “Devon said your mom is taking Jacob to a movie with your dad. Guess they’re making up. I won’t get a chance to talk to you once Ronny is around.”

  “Why? You’re over all the time.”

  Kyle laughed. “He watches you like a hawk, and so does Devon.”

  Devon’s head came over the top of the pier.

  “How will you get rid of Devon?” she asked.

  Devon scrambled over the edge. “What are you guys doing?”

  Kyle moved his legs. “I’m ruining her burn.”

  Devon leaned over to drip more water on her back “Shit, Hay. You’re red as a damn tomato.”

  She rolled away. “It will tan tomorrow,” she lied. She was sick of burning and of her pale skin. No matter how hard she tried she was either white or pink, and her damn freckles multiplied.

  “Mom’s gonna flip out. Look at you,” Devon said. “You’ll get cancer.”

  “That’s a myth.”

  Devon frowned and tossed her shirt over her legs. “Put it on. We have to go home.”

  Hayley slipped the shirt over her head and stood. “Why?”

  “Uncle Danny’s taking me to see the car show and Dad and Mom are taking Jacob to the movies.” He sat on the edge of the pier.

  “What about me?” Hayley glanced back at Kyle.

  He grinned.

  “What about you?” Devon asked.

  “I’m just staying home alone?”

  Devon disappeared over the edge. “You do it all the time, except Mom leaves Jakey with you. Tonight you get a whole evening to yourself. Don’t read too many books.”

  She rushed after him, uncomfortable with Kyle now that the possibility of being alone with him was real. What would she do? Kyle was right behind her. She focused on her descent. She hated climbing down the pier. Up was easy, down was awful.

  She jumped in the shallow water at the bottom. Its coolness against her sun-warmed skin sent chills over her body. Kyle jumped in beside her, staring blatantly at her wet t-shirt, which clung to her body emphasizing just how cold she was.

  She pulled the shirt away from her chest. “Stop looking at me like that. It’s creepy.”

  Kyle chuckled and followed as she tried to catch up with Devon. “I’ll meet you at the house later. We can go to the fort.”

  “I’m not going out there at night.”

  “Chicken?” Kyle teased pressing his lips against her ear.

  Hayley pulled away and glared back.

  “What are you afraid of? The dark…or me?”

  “Like I’d be afraid of you.” She stepped onto the bank, her toes sinking into the cool mud. Devon’s blond head was visible along the guardrails, already a long way up the road. He never waited for anyone.

  “I think you’re afraid you might like me too much.”

  Hayley stopped, halfway up the bank, and turned. “Little cocky, aren’t you?”

  Kyle pulled her against him. She slid down the bank. He was much shorter than her, but then, all the boys were shorter than her. Hayley pressed into him, her legs tingling at the feel of his wet body.

  “Come on, chicken,” he said. “You coming or not?”

  “I’m sure I could teach you a thing or two.”

  “So I’ve heard.”

  “Where?”

  He grinned. “Where what?”

  “Where did you hear I’d teach you something?”

  His hands on her bottom made it impossible to work up enough anger about it. He probably made it up. Besides, her friends were having sex already, even made fun of her because she’d so far resisted.

  “Oh, I’ve heard whispers here and there. I can’t give up my sources. You might kick their ass.”

  “Liar.”

  “You haven’t answered me.”

  She sighed. “Fine, we can go to the fort, but I’m not walking back there alone. You have to come to the house first.”

  “What about Mandy? She’ll rat us out or tag along.”

  “Come around the
back, behind her house then to mine. I’ll meet you in the backyard.”

  “Deal.” Kyle let go of her and smacked her ass. He then ran up the bank, leaving her standing alone.

  Boys were idiots.

  Hayley walked home alone, which she didn’t mind. It gave her time to think. How far would she let Kyle go tonight? Mandy had told her about some of the things boys liked girls to do. Things that made her very curious and, although she wouldn’t admit it to Kyle, things that terrified her.

  —

  Hayley waited in total darkness. She’d left the porch light off so she wouldn’t be noticed by Mandy’s parents. Kyle was late. Probably wouldn’t show up. Why was she such a goof? This was probably Kyle and Devon’s idea of a joke. She should have known better. Even the guys she’d dated at school had bet on how far they’d get with her. They always lost, but knowing they weren’t really interested in her stung.

  Mandy said it was because she acted so aloof all the time. Hayley didn’t see why she had to lay all of her feelings out there for everyone to see. If they knew what you thought, they’d just use it to hurt you. It was that simple.

  She’d make Kyle pay for this one. Devon too, if he was in on the joke. She turned to go inside when she heard the sound of twigs breaking near the creek. Her heart thumped. What if it wasn’t Kyle? Someone saw a bear in the woods past their garden last summer. Maybe it was back.

  “Hayley?” he whispered.

  She walked quickly, careful not to run like she wanted, and joined him by the creek. “You’re late.”

  “Well, your friend decided to sit outside with her damn boyfriend. They just went in.”

  “She wouldn’t tell anyone.”

  “Yeah she would. She hates me. She’d be a bitch about it.”

  Mandy did hate him, which was why Hayley didn’t plan on telling her anything until tomorrow.

  Kyle reached for her hand. “So? Are we going?”

  “You got a flashlight?”

  “Of course. I’m not turning it on until we’re away from the houses and the spies.”

  He pulled her toward the trees that lined her backyard. Hayley let him lead her further into the dark. Crickets chirped and the occasional frog groaned from the river across the road. Hayley felt as though she’d stepped into another world, where no one but she and Kyle existed.