The One You Feed

by Renee Miller

  Their fort was way back in the trees, built over two summers with scraps of wood and steel that Devon and Mandy’s brothers managed to beg, borrow, or steal from their fathers and the neighbor’s yards. It had two rooms, an old couch, a table, and a stained mattress with two big holes on the left side. The walls were uneven—no one dared lean against them—and the roof leaked, but they had picnics there all the time. They were always careful not to leave food behind. Mandy’s dad said it was a good way to find a bear waiting when they returned.

  When they cleared the first bunch of trees, Kyle switched the flashlight on. Hayley, terrified by darkness, moved as close to him as possible. There were noises all around and she imagined animals staring at them. When a twig snapped a few feet away, she jumped. Her heart pounded against her chest at the sudden realization that no one would hear or see them back here. If an animal attacked, they’d never be found until someone visited the fort.

  Kyle put his arm around her. “Want your Mommy?”

  She punched him lightly. “Piss off. I just don’t like the dark. There could be anything hiding out there.”

  “Don’t worry. They’d be fools to mess with those hands.”

  “Fuck off.”

  Devon and his friends joked that she had man’s hands, although she didn’t get the humor in it. Her hands were big, but her fingers were long and slender and her skin smooth, nothing like a man’s.

  When the light caught the outline of the fort ahead, they moved faster. Hayley pushed Kyle along, desperate for the safety of four walls and a roof, even if they were poorly built.

  “In a hurry to take advantage of me?” Kyle asked.

  He was beginning to get on her nerves. If he wasn’t so cute and the woods so dark, she would have turned around and gone home. “Yeah something like that, you jackass.”

  Once inside, Kyle shut the door and shone his light into the corners to make sure nothing hid in the shadows. Satisfied, he slid the lock across the door. “I’ll light the stove.”

  Hayley’s belly fluttered. She’d never been this alone with a boy before—it was exhilarating and awful at once. He fiddled with the little woodstove until he got it lit. The smell of burnt wood fired a memory in her mind; one of a shed and calloused hands. She glanced at the stove with apprehension, although Mandy’s dad said it was perfectly safe as long as they remembered to pour water on it before they went home. Hayley’s dad brought a rain barrel out last summer so they would always have water available.

  Kyle sat on the couch and patted the spot next to him. Hayley, suddenly shy, shuffled over and sat on the very edge.

  “Why are you so weird?” he asked.

  “I’m not weird. You are.”

  “I mean you always have something to say or else flirt like crazy until we’re alone. Then you clam right up.”

  She didn’t want to explain. He wouldn’t understand anyway. “Whatever.”

  Kyle chuckled and leaned forward. His finger traced a line down her arm, sending goose bumps over her skin. Hayley waited for his kiss, but he surprised her by licking her neck instead. The sensation of his warm tongue against her skin felt strange. She’d never experienced such a feeling before.

  “You like that?” He trailed his tongue just below her ear before biting gently on the lobe. “How about that?”

  “Sure. Do it again.” Her voice sounded deeper than normal.

  Kyle repeated the gesture, trailing down to the neckline of her shirt, just above her breasts. She gasped when he bit the tender skin there. Her whole body tingled. The other boys just fumbled around, pissing her off in the end. What Kyle was doing felt nice.

  “Let’s take this off.” Kyle lifted her shirt.

  Hayley allowed him to pull it over her head. She shivered as the night air caressed her bare skin. She moved to cover herself.

  He pushed her hands away. “Shy?”

  “No, it’s a little cold,” she whispered.

  “It won’t be for long.”

  A rotten odor assaulted her nose when Kyle pushed her back on the couch. She’d never noticed how bad it smelled. “This couch is filthy.”

  “You’ll forget about that in a minute.”

  She allowed Kyle to lie against her. His sweatshirt scratched her nipples. He stoked her sides before cupping her face, and then, finally, he kissed her. Hayley kissed him back, glad she got the awkward first kiss over in seventh grade. She’d be embarrassed to puke now, as she’d done that night.

  Kyle broke the kiss, lowered his head, and took her nipple in his mouth. She gasped, startled at the tightening of her body and the heat that coursed through her, right down to her toes. She stared down at his dark head, wanting to put her hands in his hair, to pull him closer to her, but afraid to move.

  “What a pleasant surprise.”

  “What do you mean?” She wanted him to stop but desperately wanted these feelings to continue.

  “You’re a virgin.”

  “How would you know?” she asked.

  “I can tell.”

  His hand moving up her thigh made coherent thoughts impossible. She remembered the first time she was touched there and shivered. Is this what he’d meant? Was she only good for one thing? Her body seemed to think so.

  God, would Grandpa Warren ruin everything in her life?

  Kyle shifted so that he lay beside her, his hand inside her shorts rubbing over her panties. “Already wet. But I think you’ll need more.”

  “More what?” Moving her hands to his pants, she fumbled with the button.

  He pushed her away. “Not yet.”

  “But I can’t just lie here.”

  Kyle kissed her, biting her lip playfully before pulling away. “This time you will. I want to hear you beg for it.”

  “Beg for what?” She didn’t like the sound of that.

  She moved and his hand shifted under her panties, against her skin. When he slipped a finger inside her she nearly flew off the couch. His laughter froze her in place.

  “Relax.”

  Suddenly it felt different, tighter, a bit painful.

  “It’s going to get better. I promise.”

  She was afraid of what they were doing, of the darkness outside, and of her own feelings. She had to stop this now. “Kyle, I changed my mind. I can’t do this.”

  He ignored her struggle to be free and lowered his head to her breasts once more. “I can’t stop.”

  His hand moved and his fingers touched the tender spot just between the folds: the spot that, until then, only she knew about. She bucked against his hands.

  “Please,” she murmured, not sure anymore if she wanted him to stop or not.

  Kyle shifted, pushed his pants down and kicked them off. “Wait.”

  “I don’t want to do this.”

  Hayley stared at his body. She’d never actually seen a boy naked before.

  “Just calm down.”

  “No, I want to stop. Please, can we stop?” Pain knifed through her chest. Suddenly, she couldn’t breathe. The slanted, mismatched walls of the fort closed in.

  He kissed her again, moved over, and pushed her shorts down. Then, while he nudged her legs aside with his knee, he leaned close. “You can’t do this to a guy and just stop. Guys can die from the blood rushing down there.”

  Hayley tried to raise her head. She heard a crinkling sound. “What’s that?”

  He grinned. “Wouldn’t want your dad hunting me down with a shotgun if you got pregnant.”

  She couldn’t do this. How did she ever think she could? She had to stop him, but how? Kyle lowered his hand and placed his knee against her legs while he slipped the condom on. Then he adjusted himself so his dick pressed against her.

  Maybe she’d throw up after all. She tried to close her legs, but he held them in place.

  “It won’t hurt too much. I’ll be fast,” he said, his voice rough, almost like a grunt.

  She pushed at his chest, finally angry. “Kyle, I mean it. I don’t want to do this.”
>
  “Like I said, you can’t bring a guy this far and not finish it.” He pushed against her. “I can’t stop.”

  A sharp, searing pain radiated from her crotch and down her legs. “No. Stop.”

  “That’s what we call a cock tease and you don’t want to be one of those.”

  “Please, Kyle! Stop it.” She struggled, unable to move him off her.

  He dragged her hands over her head and continued. The pain she thought was so terrible at first intensified when he thrust himself fully inside of her. Hayley wrenched her right arm free, punching at him.

  He laughed, his face scrunched up in a strange expression. He pulled out and thrust again. “That’s it. I like it rough.”

  She screamed, but he kept pushing into her. He lowered his head, so that his lips brushed her ear. “I love fucking virgins.”

  His laughter filtered to her brain as she struggled against him in earnest. The more she did though, the faster he moved, building a fire inside, as though he’d torn everything apart. She reached for anything to stop him. Her fingers touched something hard and rough. The stick Devon used to stoke the fire in the stove.

  “Keep fighting. It feels good,” he whispered.

  She froze, stick in the air, her body on fire. Kyle moved faster still, thrusting so hard she thought she might break. She curled her fingers around the stick.

  “Stop,” she said again.

  “Almost done. You’re going to be good at this once you realize it’s not all about you.”

  “Get off. Now!”

  Kyle bit her neck, and then her shoulder. He still pushed himself into her in a punishing rhythm. Hayley felt a familiar heat inside her head. He grunted again, pushing into her one last time. She drove the stick downward and something warm hit her face.

  “Fuck.” Kyle rolled off her. Blood poured from the small wound in his neck.

  “I want to go home.”

  “Go then.” He stumbled. “Psycho bitch.”

  Blood seeped through his fingers, and he tripped as he walked toward the door. As he fell, she heard a crunching sound and then he screamed. “Fuck! I think I broke my leg.”

  Hayley put her shirt on. He started crying, said something unintelligible, and grasped at his leg. She pulled on her shorts.

  “You have to help me,” he said. “I can’t walk.”

  She stared for a moment, the heat still coursing through her brain. Panic slowly ebbed its way in, like cold water on her burning thoughts.

  “Fuck.” She should get help. But he’d tell his friends. He’d tell Devon. She’d have to explain to her dad what happened and why she hit him. Hayley looked around the cabin. In the corner, she saw an old baseball bat.

  No one knows you were here.

  The voice in her head urged Hayley to act. She couldn’t kill him. Someone would know. She walked toward the bat anyway. The fire in the woodstove made crackling noises and she had an idea.

  Kyle still whimpered, muttering about the pain.

  She picked up the bat.

  CHAPTER 38

  “Where have you been?”

  Devon rolled his eyes, his mom needed to relax; he was almost a man now. “I was out. Christ Mom, go to bed.”

  “When your father gets home you won’t be so cocky. This is unacceptable and you know it.”

  Devon knew he looked rough. He’d been in a fight and you didn’t walk away looking perfect from those, unless you were Chuck Norris. “Dad won’t care. I was with him.”

  Her face paled.

  He regretted lashing out at her. “I mean, he’s on his way home.”

  “What happened?”

  “Jesus, Mom. I got into a little scrap. Nothing major.”

  His mom paced the floor. Then she re-wrapped the housecoat around her body. She always did this when she was ready to cry. “This drinking has got to stop. You’re sixteen for crying out loud, and you’ve already got a problem.”

  “I don’t have a problem, and I’ll be seventeen soon. My friends drink more than I do, but then, they’re allowed to go out a lot more.”

  “Well, that’s not changing because you’re grounded.”

  Devon clenched his fists. “You can’t ground me.”

  “I can and I will, and you will listen or you’ll get out of my house.”

  Here comes the fucking crying. Devon sighed. “I’m going to bed. You should too.”

  “I’m waiting for your dad.”

  Devon climbed the stairs. Sometimes he thought she enjoyed fighting. Why stay if she didn’t? It’s not like Dad would ever change.

  —

  As Devon stumbled around upstairs Dana seethed. Of all the irresponsible, stupid things to do, Ronny really outdid himself this time. Devon had no place in a bar, especially with his head all screwed up over Kyle dying in the fire at their fort. She’d given him a long leash, but he’d had enough time to grieve.

  The lights of Ronny’s car brushed the window. She should never have taken him back, but he didn’t really give her a choice. They’d split twice in two years and both times Ronny had been at the house daily, even sat outside at night, waiting to see the boyfriend he imagined she had.

  The front door slammed. Ronny tossed his keys on the table. She heard him stumbling around, trying to remove his boots, and considered sneaking upstairs. He was definitely drunk, way too drunk to talk reasonably about Devon.

  “What are you doing up?” he walked in to lean against the wall beside her.

  “Devon just came home and woke the whole house up.”

  “You should have seen him tonight. That’s my boy.”

  “Why? Because he can drink or because he can beat someone up?”

  Ronny pushed away from the wall and headed for the stairs. “Fuck off. You’re so fucking perfect, aren’t you?”

  “I didn’t say I was perfect. He’s sixteen. He doesn’t belong in a bar and he shouldn’t be involved in your fights.”

  Ronny paused on the stairs, turning to stare at her. “It wasn’t my fight. It was his. I had no part in it.”

  “Sure. You can explain to him later why he can’t stop, and why he’s so angry.”

  “Whatever.” Ronny continued upstairs.

  She should be happy that he chose to go to bed. Wasn’t that what the doctor told him to do? At least he got something out of his one visit. She still went each month, as they agreed to do. He gave up, announcing that he didn’t need some quack to tell him how he should feel.

  Fury still ate at her stomach, though. Why should he get to walk away? She walked to the stairs. If he wanted to turn Devon into the same monster he’d become, it’d be over her dead body.

  CHAPTER 39

  March 1992

  Hayley watched her mother clean the fridge, bent over to get way in the back, her ribs showing through her shirt. “Did you eat today?”

  Dana stood and wiped her hands on her pants, too big in the waist and butt. “Of course, I did.”

  She closed her math book and frowned. “You’re lying.”

  “I’m a little busy, Hayley.”

  “You’re like ninety pounds. I’d love to be ninety pounds, but I’d never kill myself to do it, like you are.”

  “You’d look funny at your height.”

  “So do you.”

  “I weigh more than ninety pounds. Why the sudden interest in my eating habits?”

  “You’ve been wasting away since Grandpa Barry died.”

  Dana winced. She did it every time anyone mentioned Grandpa.

  “I’m just not as hungry as I used to be,” she said as she rinsed the cloth. “Doesn’t mean I’m starving myself.”

  “You’ve been drinking instead of eating.”

  “It’s okay if your dad does it, but not me?”

  “It’s not okay for either of you. I hate it, and I hate how you two act.”

  “And how do we act?”

  “Every time you guys get drunk, you fight and he hurts you.”

  “Not every time and it
’s not that bad. Every couple argues, honey. It’s not unusual.”

  “How’s your ear, Mom? Which side is it?”

  “That was an accident.”

  “Right. So was that tooth he knocked out. Just a big mistake.”

  “You don’t know what happened between us or why; you’ve had nothing to worry about in your whole life. Don’t judge what you can’t possibly understand.”

  “Are you kidding me?” For the first time in her life, Hayley’s temper turned to her mother. She wanted to shake her, to make her see what everyone else saw. They were a laughing stock. She hated how people whispered about her family.

  “I’ve seen you happy two, maybe three times in my whole life,” she said. “You’re always stressed out, always banged up, and you never ever see the good in anything. How do you think that affects me or Jacob or Devon?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Bullshit. What happens when he finally kills you? What happens to us? Don’t you think we know how bad it gets?”

  “Are you finished?”

  “No. I’m sick and tired of seeing you sick and tired. Don’t you want more than this?”

  She said nothing, but the stricken look on her face made Hayley regret her words. She should learn to control her temper. Hadn’t her stupid mistake with Kyle taught her to think before acting? She was just lucky the cops chalked his head wound up to him being drunk and falling into the wood stove. If she didn’t get the rage that burned almost constantly inside her under control, her next outburst might be her last.

  “You hate me,” her mom finally whispered. “I get it. I thought I was doing what was best for you. A home with two parents who love you, and who…God, I don’t even know what to think anymore.”

  She sat. “Jesus, I don’t hate you. I just don’t understand how a person can live like this. Why do you let them hurt you?”

  “I don’t let them.”

  “You do. Dad, your family, everyone.”

  “Oh, it’s everyone now, is it?”

  “People whisper about you guys; they say things right in front of you and you do nothing.”

  “What do you want me to do?”

  “Defend yourself. What’s food got to do with any of this anyway? Do you think if you disappear then they’ll leave you alone?”