The One You Feed

by Renee Miller

  “No matter what, don’t ever tell me you’re sorry,” Ronny said. “Don’t you ever be sorry for anything.”

  Hayley nodded. “I just wanted…I don’t know. I knew it was wrong all along. I knew I was making a mistake, but I thought he’d change. I don’t know what I’m fighting for anymore; there was nothing there to begin with. But then he can be so sweet, so loving…. I hate myself for wanting out. I’m afraid to even go home, because I might change my mind.”

  “You’ll do what you need to do,” Dana said. “I raised you to be better than I was. Stronger.”

  “I’m trying.”

  Dana stood. “Now, you should go home. Sleep on it and make your decision when you’re rested and not so wound up.”

  “Okay,” Hayley stood and followed her mother to the door. She set Alexis in the stroller and straightened. “I’ll call you in the morning.”

  “We’ll be over tomorrow night. Your dad is determined to fix that furnace.”

  “Okay.”

  Hayley turned to push the stroller over the porch and onto the walk outside. The sight of her figure hunched over the stroller brought fresh tears to Dana’s eyes.

  —

  Hayley tossed the last bag on the step and paused. Connor still wasn’t home. She felt stronger, more herself, after making the decision to end their marriage, but part of her still screamed for one more chance to prove to Connor she was worthy of his love. That was the part that she tried to silence and hated more than anything.

  It was too late for her and Connor; to continue would be foolish. Not only would they both be miserable, but Alexis would grow up as Hayley did, confused and angry, never knowing what she should feel.

  After leaving her mother’s the night before, she’d walked around the quiet streets of Beverley until Alexis began to fuss. Then she went home. Connor was gone. No note, no calls, just gone.

  The following morning, Hayley woke after a troubled sleep full of dreams about Kyle, her grandfather, Amy, and her dad. She didn’t know why, but the dreams made everything so clear. She wasn’t what Connor wanted, but more importantly, he wasn’t what she wanted. She didn’t love him. She loved the idea of love.

  Alexis cried. Hayley went inside and closed the door. Picking up her daughter, Alexis gazed up at her, a solemn frown on her face and Hayley laughed. “I’m so sorry.”

  Alexis stuffed a chubby fist in her mouth and gurgled.

  The sound of snow crunching under car tires brought Hayley’s attention to the door. “Here we go.”

  Steps on the sidewalk, a pause, a curse, and then keys jangling as he unlocked the door. “What the fuck is this? Did you actually clean today?” Connor asked.

  “I want you to leave.”

  “This is my house,” he said.

  “Fine, I’ll go.” Hayley turned to go upstairs.

  He grabbed her arm. She fought the urge to crumble, to take it all back. The weight of Alexis in her arms reminded her why she was doing this. She couldn’t be selfish anymore.

  “Don’t do this,” Connor said

  “You can see Alexis anytime you want. I won’t keep her from you.”

  “I don’t want this.”

  “Well you don’t want me either, so here we are, Connor.”

  “I know this isn’t what you want. This is your father talking.”

  “No, this is me telling you that I don’t love you.” Hayley nearly choked on the last words.

  Connor’s eyes turned cold, his mouth set in a thin line. “No one else will want you.”

  He shoved her so hard, she almost dropped Alexis, but managed to keep the baby in her arms.

  “Take a good look at yourself,” Connor spat. “You’re disgusting. No one else is going to want a piece of shit trash like you.”

  His words hit her like slaps. She wanted to toss them aside, to ignore them, but he’d voiced her darkest fear. She walked past him. Keeping her breaths even, she set Alexis in the playpen next to the sofa. “Last chance, Connor. Go or I’ll make you go.”

  He didn’t move.

  Hayley felt the warm tingling of rage in the back of her mind. It spread, through her head, down her neck. She felt a familiar tremor in her muscles. The last time she’d been this angry had been the night Amy died.

  “Stop it, Connor,” she warned.

  “Fuck you.” Connor shoved her again. “I’m not going anywhere.” He grabbed her hair. She felt the sting of strands ripping from her skull as he balled his fist against her head. “Not so tough now, are you?”

  “Stop.”

  Connor yanked her hair. “I’m not leaving. You’re not leaving.”

  Hayley reached out. She didn’t know what she was looking for, but when her hand closed around something hard, she lifted it. Before she could have second thoughts, she swung, hitting him in the face.

  “Christ!” he stumbled back. “You psycho fucking bitch.”

  Connor lunged. His fist caught her shoulder. She swung again and again. She kept swinging until he lay on the floor, blood pooling next to his face. In his right hand, a clump of her hair was woven around his fingers. His eyes were open, but he stared at nothing. She hit him one last time and then the rage dissipated.

  For a moment, Hayley felt lightness in her chest, and then it faded and she realized she was in trouble.

  She’d just killed him.

  Like Kyle.

  Like Amy.

  This time, though, there was no hiding it.

  Christ, what had she done?

  She still held the weapon in her hand, a tall metal lamp he had brought with him when they’d moved in together. She hated the damn thing. It was heavy and big, and belonged in 1985.

  Taking a breath, Hayley glanced at the playpen. Alexis’s tiny feet kicked as she made soft, happy sounds. Looking at the lamp again, an idea formed. Hayley swung, the base of the lamp connecting with her cheek. A fire blossomed on the side of her face. She bent, struggling to breathe. When the air finally filled her lungs, she straightened and swung again, this time hitting the other side of her face. She dragged her nails over her arms and her face, and then rubbed the blood onto Connor’s fingers. Finally, she walked to the kitchen. Blood dripped from her nose, but it wasn’t enough. She glanced at the doorway to the kitchen.

  A knife…

  —

  Dana walked up the porch steps, her heart pounding at the site of the garbage bags littering the front yard. Ronny followed her. She knocked once and then waited.

  She heard movement inside, and then the knob turned. As the door opened, Ronny cursed.

  “I’ll fucking kill him.” he said.

  “Too late.” Hayley’s bruised, bloody face was like a punch in the gut. Dana saw the hint of a smile, but it disappeared almost instantly.

  “What happened?”

  “He went nuts when he saw his stuff out there. Hit me. Came at me with a knife.” Hayley lifted her shirt to reveal a long gash across her stomach. “So I killed him.”

  Dana couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t stand. Grabbing the railing, she resisted the urge to vomit. No. This couldn’t be how it ended. It couldn’t be what Hayley became. She was her good child. Her sweet girl. Her smart one.

  “Jesus,” Ronny pushed past Dana. “Get inside. I’m going to call the cops. Look at what he did to you. They won’t put you in jail sweetheart. He beat you and you defended yourself and Alexis. He’s still got your damn hair in his fist. They have to see what happened here.”

  She nodded. “I did what I had to.”

  “Where was Alexis when this happened?” Dana asked.

  “In her bed.”

  “Thank God for small mercies I guess.”

  “Yeah,” Hayley said. “Thank God.”

  EPILOGUE

  There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

  1st John 4:18 (NIV)

  December 2013

  Horns blasted from
the street behind Hayley, a cool December breeze ruffled her hair. She flicked it out of her face as she approached the building. Her heart leapt in despair when she recalled the image of him lying there in the coffin he chose for himself. But she couldn’t put it off any longer. It was time to say goodbye.

  More than a decade ago—it seemed such a short time—she’d taken control and he’d been proud. As she rebuilt her life—going back to college to finish what she’d quit when she met Connor—so did her parents. Scraping what willpower they had left together, and patching the cracks in their marriage, they survived and they flourished.

  It wasn’t always easy, but then, nothing worth having ever was. Ronny had watched his granddaughter grow, along with a half-dozen more grandchildren, and Alexis became his shadow, his mini-me. As he’d done for Hayley and Devon all those years before, the man who didn’t have to be a dad stepped into the role of father figure, and he excelled.

  Forgiveness.

  Hayley smiled. She struggled with the concept. After taking care of Connor, she’d been arrested, but her lawyer had convinced the judge that she acted in self-defense and hadn’t meant to kill him. At her dad’s urging, she took anger management classes along with attending counselling for a few months after. The therapy helped her immensely. Connor being dead helped more.

  Her dad had made her sit with him after she was in the clear for Connor’s death. “I’m going to tell you a story someone told me once,” he said. “If I’d listened, life would’ve been easier.”

  “Okay,” she’d said. “I’m listening.”

  “Inside everyone are two wolves,” he’d said. “Actually, I think it’s more like two natures, or two people, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is one is good, and one is evil. One dark, and one light. They’re fighting a battle and will always fight until one of them wins.”

  “So, as long as we let God in we’re okay?” she’d asked.

  “No,” he said. “The wolf who wins is the one you choose to feed. Understand?”

  “You’re saying I fed the wrong wolf?”

  He smiled. “Now and then you have, and so have I, but you can turn it around. Stop letting other people’s darkness take over your heart, baby. Just feed the light.”

  She still struggled with the truth of that. Deep in her heart, Hayley knew before she’d struck him, Connor wouldn’t make it out of the house alive that day.

  She wanted to kill him.

  Taking a breath, she shook off the dark thoughts. Connor would have continued to hurt her. What happened had to happen.

  She entered the funeral home. Hushed voices apologized for her loss. Hayley nodded silently and walked toward the front row of seats, where her mother and Alexis sat, shoulders sagging, staring at the shell that was once a vibrant man.

  Ronny Sampson was never perfect, and he never pretended to be. But just when he’d truly gotten his shit together, when life seemed to be working for him rather than against him, he’d gotten news that shattered all of them. Cancer.

  It all seemed so unfair. Hadn’t they endured enough? Was he not entitled to enjoy at least the final years of his life? Hayley felt angry more often than not since his diagnosis, and his passing, left her feeling cold and alone. The one person in this world who always stood in her corner, who defended her even when she’d done wrong, was gone. Forever.

  Hayley sat behind her mother and touched her shoulder briefly. Dana turned, smiling through her tears. “You okay?”

  “I will be,” Hayley lied.

  “Where’s Mike?”

  Hayley smiled at his name. Mike was the sweetest, kindest person she’d ever known. For a long time, she thought he was too good to be true. Everyone had a dark side, so where was his hiding? Probably why it took her almost three years to agree to go out with him and another five to marry him. “He’s upstairs helping with lunch, I think.”

  “That’s nice of him.”

  “He’s not doing so well with all of this. He and Dad got pretty so close near the, uh, end. I just wish…” Emotion made it difficult to say more, so Hayley cleared her throat instead.

  Dana patted her hand. “Your father loved Mike, too.”

  Behind them, there wasn’t a single seat unoccupied. People lined the walls to say farewell to a man who thought no one cared; thought everyone looked down on him. The tears and genuine grief in their eyes told Hayley quite another story.

  Ronny Sampson was loved. Finally, he had the acceptance he’d always wanted.

  She turned from the men closing the coffin. On the wall was a painting of a lone woman standing on the edge of a dock at sunrise, looking out at the water, a little smile on her face. Something filled the gnawing emptiness for a moment. In the woman’s smile, Hayley saw the knowledge that despite the endless pain and the loss that life threw her way, there were also no limits to happiness. His laughter lingered in the back of her mind.

  She didn’t feed the wrong wolf, as he had thought. True, her world had fallen apart, and she’d allowed her anger to overrule common sense, but it had many times before, and probably would again in the future. Sometimes, being happy meant getting your hands dirty. As long as you cleaned up the mess, no one had to know about it.

  Maybe neither wolf ever really won. Maybe you fed whichever wolf you needed to feed in order to survive.

  THE END