The One You Feed

by Renee Miller

  “What’s wrong?” Connor snapped as he turned down their street.

  “I just feel sick,”

  “Fuck, you’re ridiculous.”

  Hayley stayed silent. When he put the car in park, she had the door open and ran inside. She rushed to the little bathroom off the kitchen and knelt in front of the toilet.

  Connor stood in the doorway, leaning on the jamb. “Seriously? What did you eat today?”

  “Nothing. I had some toast before work,” she croaked.

  “Yeah and a bag of chips and a bucket of coffee.”

  “I can’t afford coffee. I had formula and diapers to buy because you forgot to get them yesterday.”

  “Fuck off.” He pushed away from the door and disappeared.

  Hayley rested her head on her arms to stare down into the toilet. She couldn’t do this anymore. It was clear Connor hated her. He hadn’t slept with her since she’d been about six months pregnant. His favorite saying? “If I wanted to fuck a cow, I’d buy a farm.”

  She wasn’t fat now, far from it. Her mom said she was too skinny. Connor would never be happy, not with anyone but himself. She wondered how she ever thought he could be.

  Hayley sat up and breathed deep before standing. She had to think about Alexis, though. So her needs weren’t met. Was that such a big deal in the grand scheme? Women like her mother had endured much worse. Connor didn’t hit her, or threaten her. He was mean sometimes, but they were just words. She switched off the light and walked to the living room.

  Connor played his video game. He always played the damn thing.

  “Are you going to take me to my Mom’s?”

  “Why?”

  “I have to pick Alexis up.”

  “She can wait. I want to finish this level.”

  Hayley sat behind him on the couch. It was after nine and her mom had to work in the morning.

  Connor cursed. He failed the level. “Go do something. I can’t play with you sitting there.”

  “If you take me over to pick Alexis up, I’ll be out of your hair.”

  He stiffened. She watched the slight tilt of his head and knew he was about to blow. Suddenly she didn’t care.

  Let him blow.

  It was time she voiced a few things, things she should have said long ago. If he hated her more, or walked out, so be it.

  He stood. “I told you to wait.”

  “My mom has to work in the morning.”

  “You always have to whine about shit. It’s annoying.”

  “You think so? If you hate me so much, why the hell do you stay?”

  “What choice do I have?”

  “You have a lot of choices, actually. I don’t understand why you think staying here is the only one. I’m lazy, I’m fat, a terrible mother and wife. I don’t see why you’re still with me.”

  “Because I know you’d take every cent I had, and I won’t pay you a dime. Your fucking dad would love it if I left too. Wouldn’t he?”

  “I wasn’t aware you had any money to take. And what does my dad have to do with anything?”

  “Your parents are always in the middle of our shit. You cry to Mama every time I correct you or tell you something you don’t like. Grow up!”

  Hayley stood and forced Connor to step back, the old sensation of fury she’d stifled until now, burning her gut. “I call my mother because no one else will come here anymore. I have no friends because you’re so fucking miserable when they’re around. I have no one to call because they tell me to get rid of you and I won’t listen to them say shit about you.”

  “Whatever.”

  “No, not whatever, Connor. I’ve been loyal to you to the point that no one wants anything to do with me. Even Mandy only calls when she knows you’ll be gone. My parents are the only people you haven’t scared off. Do you like that I have no one? Is that what you want? You’ve got it buddy. I have nothing beyond you and Alexis.”

  He leaned in, so that his face nearly touched hers. “Poor Hayley. Maybe they’re gone because they’re sick of your needy bullshit. Jesus, I try, but you need something all the time. If you backed off, maybe they’d come back. You can’t lay this on me.”

  “It is you. Now get out of my face.” Hayley pushed at him, but he didn’t move. “Connor, move.”

  He pushed her back. “Make me. Go on, you think you’re so fucking tough. Or just do what you always do and start crying.”

  “I’m done with this. Move. I’m leaving.”

  Connor grabbed her shirt, bringing her to face him once more. “You’re leaving?”

  “I have to get Alexis.”

  “I’m not done.”

  “Well, I am.”

  “No. You’ve got something to say? Then say it.”

  Hayley struggled to be free but he held on. The walls seemed to close in, she couldn’t breathe, and a roaring began in her head. “I have nothing left to say to you. Let me go.”

  His grip on her shirt tightened so it cut into her neck. “I should have taught you a lesson the day I met you. You were like a bitch in heat, though. Now look where I am, stuck with you and your fucked-up family.”

  “Fuck you.” Hayley pushed him, and he stumbled back.

  “You wish.” Connor raised his fist

  Images of Mother flashed through her head, the bruises, the tears, the fear, and she backed away. “Do it, and it will be the last thing you do.”

  Connor stood, fist high. His chin trembled and Hayley felt a tug in her chest. No, he would not do this to her again. She always gave in when he cried and hated herself for it.

  He dropped his arm, his body crumpling to the floor before crawling toward her. “Please. I don’t know what to do. I just want to be happy. It’s like you don’t care about me at all.”

  “How can you say that?”

  “You don’t. You’re always with Alexis. Every fucking minute of the day it’s Alexis this and Alexis that. You still have a husband, you know?”

  “She’s our daughter. Of course she has all of my attention. She needs it.”

  “You used to try to make me happy.”

  “It’s not up to me to make you happy. You need to do that yourself.”

  She stared down at him, his face buried in her knees. Her emotions swayed between loving him and hating him. She wanted to push him away, to hold him, say that everything was okay, and to cry. To just let it go and apologize to him would be the easiest thing the simplest, but she didn’t do anything wrong.

  Hayley ground her teeth and glared at his head, watching his shoulders shake as he cried, hating him and herself for what she’d almost allowed her life to become. She no longer wanted what was easy, she wanted out.

  “I have to get Alexis, I’m sorry.” She pulled away from him. “We can talk when I get back.”

  CHAPTER 49

  When Hayley heard the door slam, it was dark. She sat up, wincing at the ache in her neck.

  “So you’re up.” Connor stood by the kitchen, arms crossed. He’d been drinking; it showed in the set of his shoulders and his sway.

  “I fell asleep,” she managed.

  He walked toward the couch, his face an unsettling mask. “You’re not worried?”

  “About what?”

  “About everything, about us; it’s like you think I can handle whatever life throws at us. You don’t even care that I didn’t want any of this.”

  Hayley blinked. “Any of what? Us? Alexis? You wanted to get married. You made me go off the pill. You wanted a baby more than I did. I said we should wait. You were the one who wanted to do this right away. It’s not that I think you can handle anything, Connor. You’ve proven to be pretty shitty at handling just yourself. Believe me I don’t expect you to deal with anything, because you never have.”

  “Know where I was?” A slow grin spread across his face.

  “At the bar?”

  “Good guess. You know what I did?”

  “Got drunk?”

  “Fuck, you’re an idiot. Do you think I l
ike your smartass comments? I don’t. You’re a bitch.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t try to be. You asked and I answered. I’m not talking to you when you’re like this.”

  Hayley stood and Connor pushed her back down on the couch.

  Rage burned hot in her belly. Oh no, this was not going to happen to her. She stood, fists clenched. “Don’t ever touch me again.”

  “You think I’m scared of you?” he laughed. “News flash, Hayley, you’re a woman. That’s all. You can’t do shit to me.”

  “No?” She advanced, stopping when her nose touched his. “Do it again.”

  Connor stared and Hayley stood her ground, too furious over him shoving her to consider being afraid. He turned back to the table. “Like I’d touch you. I had better than you just an hour ago.”

  If he’d punched her in the gut, he couldn’t have caused her more pain. “You what?”

  “Go ahead, judge me. You do it all the time. I don’t work enough, I never do anything around here, and what else? Oh yes, I never want sex. Have you looked in the mirror lately? You’re all pale and sickly. That’s not what I signed on for.”

  “I just had a baby.”

  “Oh, and what about six months from now? That won’t work forever. Maybe if you took your nose out of your fucking books now and then, eat a carrot instead of a chocolate bar, you might find your skin gets a little more color.”

  He hated her. She didn’t know why, but he did. She would not let him belittle her anymore. “Get out,” she hissed. “Get the hell out and don’t come back.”

  He grinned. “Make me. Oh, are you going to go crying to Daddy? Make the big bad husband go away? Go on, call your dad. This is my home too. Remember, we signed the lease together. If he comes in here, I’ll call the cops.” Connor leaned back on the table, arms crossed his over his chest. “What will happen if he gets another assault charge? Can you live with that?”

  As pissed as she was about his words, she couldn’t stop thinking about him with someone else. “Who was it?”

  “Who was who?”

  “The slut you slept with. Who is she?” She didn’t know why she wanted to know. It was childish and immature and would only hurt her more. Part of her wanted to cover her ears and run away. But some sick part, deep down, needed to know.

  “None of your business. You think I’ll tell you so you can go pound the shit out of her?”

  “I want to know.”

  “There isn’t any competition you jackass. You can’t hold a candle to her. She’s a woman, shaped like a woman, acts like a woman. She’s not a spoiled brat trapped in a boy’s body.”

  “Why are you here then?” She didn’t want the words to hurt, but they did. What she heard was soul crushing.

  “I thought you would change.” Connor shrugged. “So I stuck around. Still waiting.”

  “I’ll leave then. You don’t want me and I don’t want to be here.” Hayley walked toward him, intending to go to the hall and get her coat.

  Suddenly a low growl startled her and the kitchen table flew across the room, catching her shin and arm as it passed. Hayley stared at the table. She couldn’t believe he just threw it.

  “Jesus, what is wrong with you? Throwing a fucking table? Grow up, Connor.”

  “What do I have to do to get through to you? You ask me what makes me happy, I tell you and you don’t even bother. Why do you think I picked up that girl tonight?”

  “I don’t know, but I’m sure you’re about to tell me.”

  “She wanted me, and she was willing to do whatever she had to do in order to have me. I was important, not her.”

  Hayley didn’t understand what he was talking about. She did put him first, all the time. None of her needs mattered anymore; it had been all about Connor from day one. “And where are you going with this?”

  “Fuck, you’re stupid. I’m saying you’re selfish. You never consider my needs. You wanted a baby and now we have one. I wanted things too, you know. You were supposed to have a career, but you gave up on that. You gave up on everything once we got married. You’re too tired to clean, to cook, or to shave your legs. What do you do all day?”

  “I work six days a week to pay these bills. You work three. I quit school so I could pay your bills. Where would I find the time to do it now? I come home and I’m tired, I know. I whine about it too, but I still make supper, vacuum, wash your dishes, and do laundry.”

  “Maybe you should quit one of your jobs.”

  “Are you going to work more?”

  “No. We can use welfare if we have to.”

  Welfare was not an option. She did not need handouts, and neither did he. “No.”

  “You’re my wife and part of that job is to be able to take care of shit here.”

  “Is it really? Is part of my job also to be psychic? I can’t walk on eggshells forever, Connor. Eventually you need to decide if you’re happy or not. I can’t make you happy.”

  “I know. Can we forget this? I didn’t sleep with that girl anyway.”

  Relief flooded through her, suddenly her knees felt weak and she worried she might fall over. “Why did you say all of that?”

  He kissed her ear. “Well I did kiss her and she did stuff, but it wasn’t sex.”

  Did it matter if he didn’t have sex with her? If she were more mature, it probably wouldn’t, but it pissed her off to know that another woman had been near him and that he let her. “What did she do?” She pulled away.

  He dropped his arms to his sides and shrugged. “Just something you won’t do.”

  Once more rage bubbled, and she fought to keep it under control. “Are you kidding me? I do everything you ask and then some. It’s you that tells me no.”

  “Well you know I don’t like the way you give head. I’ve told you a few times. Instead of trying to get it right, you just stopped.”

  “You what?” Hayley turned and marched to her bedroom. She couldn’t listen anymore. She had to get away from him before she did something she’d regret.

  He followed her. “Come on.”

  Hayley slammed the bedroom door in his face. He cursed a blue streak, but she calmly climbed into bed, and pulled the blanket over her head.

  Connor came in the room. “You’re being really childish. Oh, so you’re not talking to me now?”

  Hayley wished he would go away. She said nothing. Didn’t move. Barely breathed. If he left her alone now, she might be able to forgive what he said and did.

  “Don’t be like this,” he sounded hoarse and groaned before his weight dipped the mattress. “I’m sorry I did it. I was sorry right away. I’m so angry at myself right now. That’s probably why I lashed out at you.”

  “I really need you to leave,” she murmured.

  “This is my house too.”

  “Fine, I’ll leave.” She rolled off the bed and stood, unsure if she could really make the decision. Did she have the right to take Alexis from him?

  “Make sure you take the baby too. I’m not babysitting so you can go whine to your mom about what a jerk I am,” he muttered.

  “We’ll talk tomorrow.” She left the room before the tears flowed freely.

  —

  When Dana opened the door, she pulled in a tearful Hayley, careful to keep silent. Something to do with Connor, it was always Connor.

  Hayley carried Alexis and headed straight to the living room, holding the sleeping baby close.

  “What’s up?” Ronny asked from the couch.

  Dana shook her head.

  “Hayley?”

  “I just need a minute,” Hayley’s voice muffled in the baby’s blanket.

  Dana sat next to Ronny to stare at her daughter. She recognized the haunted look in her eyes, the fear, and she prayed that somewhere inside, Hayley remained the girl she used to be. The fighter.

  She sat in the rocking chair next to the playpen that Dana kept ready in case Hayley needed her to watch Alexis. “I don’t know what to do. He’s just not happy, and I can’t
make him.”

  “You can’t make anyone happy. He has to find that himself,” Dana said.

  “But he’s right about some of it, I’m selfish and I’ve ignored him for months. I resent him for making me feel I had to quit school and I’m not very nice to him. I’ve been so tired and busy with Alexis. I should have paid some attention to him. He’s so unhappy.”

  Dana heard echoes of herself and it brought back feelings she’d have rather left buried. “I can’t tell you what to do, but I’ll tell you what I know.” Dana took a deep breath. “You’re unhappy, and not because of him. You’ve become something that you can’t stomach. You don’t like the person in the mirror, because she isn’t you. Do you understand?”

  Hayley nodded.

  “He’s not getting better. He’s far worse I’d say, judging by the way you look. Has he hit you?”

  “No, he would never—”

  “Don’t lie to me. I’m an old hand at denial. You know that.”

  “He’s threatened, I guess. We sometimes shove each other, but he hasn’t hit me. I’d be gone.”

  “It’s just a matter of time.” Dana glanced at Ronny seated next to her.

  He stared at his hands, his cheeks red.

  “Eventually something has to give and I hope for your sake it’s not his temper. So either suck it up and go back and work things out, or get out while you still can. Alexis won’t thank you for staying. You know that better than anyone.”

  Tears fell on the baby’s blanket. “I don’t want to just quit. What if he really is the one? What then? I’ll have thrown it all away over some hurt feelings. I hate failing.”

  “First, you haven’t failed, you took a chance at happiness, gave someone your heart. That’s not failing, it’s living.”

  “But you and dad stuck it out.”

  Dana smiled. “Your dad wanted to change. Does Connor?”

  Hayley shrugged.

  “Look, your dad and I are here, no matter what. If you choose to stay, we’ll help you. If you choose to go, we’ll be there to get you through it. You’re not alone. Don’t ever think you are.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Hayley said.

  Dana nudged Ronny with her elbow. He sighed. A muscle in his jaw twitched and Dana prayed he’d have the sense not to explode.