On the Rocks

by Kandi Steiner

  I shook my head. “You don’t understand,” I whispered.

  “So help me,” he begged.

  My face twisted, more tears breaking loose as I shook my head over and over again. “But, that’s just it,” I said, pulling free from his grasp. “You don’t understand. And you never could.”

  “Ruby—”

  “I have to go,” I said, sniffing back the last of my tears with a new resolve. I skirted around him, flinging the door open and climbing down the ladder on the tree without another glance in his direction.

  Noah called out to me the entire way down, calling my name and telling me to wait — begging me to wait. I swore my chest would explode any moment if I didn’t put distance between us, and the cool rain splattering against my hot skin was the only welcome relief I found in the meantime.

  “Wait,” he said again when we reached the bottom. His hand caught the inside of my elbow and he spun me around, his eyes wild now, frantically searching mine. “Please. Don’t do this. Don’t leave, don’t walk away from this, from…” He swallowed. “Don’t walk away from me.”

  I let out an audible sob at that, ripping away from his grasp.

  “You can’t walk all the way back,” he said when I turned. “It’s raining. It’s at least a mile.”

  “I’m fine,” I said through my tears, through the rain, through the rolling thunder. I took out my phone, using the flashlight app on it to light my way.

  “Damn it, Ruby Grace!”

  Noah ran to catch up to me, blocking my path as the rain pelted down on us. His hair stuck to his forehead, his eyes transitioning to my favorite steel color as a crack of lightning sprawled across the sky.

  “I love you.”

  The words knocked the breath from my chest, and I shook my head, trying to move around him.

  “You love me, too,” he said. “And you don’t have to say it for me to know it. But what you do have to do is stay. Right now. You have to be brave, and you have to stay.”

  “I can’t,” I whimpered.

  “Why not?” He stepped into me, hands reaching forward, and this time, I didn’t rip away when his hands found my arms. “Just tell me why. Tell me the real reason why, and I swear, I’ll leave you alone.” His hands trailed up, framing my face. “If that’s what you want.”

  Noah swallowed at that, like the words tasted as bad as they sounded. He lowered his forehead to mine, and both of us inhaled a breath that sounded like a roar of thunder.

  “I promise I will,” he said again, this time softer. “But I don’t want to. I want you to stay. Please, Ruby Grace. Stay.”

  His lips found mine, hard and pleading, and I melted into him, my hands tugging at his wet shirt as another crack of lightning split the sky. I took that kiss selfishly, eagerly, opening my mouth and letting him slide his tongue inside as I moaned and leaned into him even more.

  I wanted him to brand me.

  I wanted to brand him.

  For as long as I lived, I knew I’d never forget that last kiss with Noah Becker.

  But when the lightning was gone, the thunder rolling behind it, I broke free, panting, and I didn’t meet his eyes when I said the last words I’d ever say to him.

  “Don’t follow me.”

  With that, I was gone.

  Noah

  Two weeks.

  Those words were on repeat in my head Sunday evening as I sat with all my brothers on Mom’s front porch, holding a full beer in my hand, knowing I couldn’t stomach even one sip of it. I hadn’t touched anything Mom had made us for dinner, either.

  Two weeks.

  I counted the days, the hours, the minutes and seconds that fit inside that time period.

  It was only fourteen days. Three-hundred-and-thirty-six hours. Twenty-thousand-one-hundred-and-sixty minutes. One-point-two-million seconds.

  And then, she would be Ruby Grace Caldwell.

  My fist tightened around the can, a bit of the beer spilling over the side as I fumed at that fact. I knew I shouldn’t have gone to church, shouldn’t have put myself in her vicinity where I could stare at her and sit in my misery like a masochist.

  But I had to see her.

  After she left that night, I followed her even though she told me not to. I had to make sure she made it back to her car okay. But, I stayed back, gave her space, and once she was in her car, I did as she asked me to.

  I left her alone.

  I thought she’d call, or text, or send a fucking smoke signal. Anything. Something to tell me that she’d just had a moment, but she was okay now.

  But it never came.

  And earlier, at church, our pastor announced that the wedding was just two weeks away.

  Which meant it was still happening.

  Which meant I didn’t mean shit to Ruby Grace.

  I sighed, releasing my grip on the can a bit as my eyes wandered over Mom’s garden. I felt so many things in equal measure — betrayal, longing, confusion, anger, heartbreak. But more than anything, I felt foolish.

  I was the biggest fool.

  I’d chased a woman who had another man’s ring on her finger, a woman out of my league by any standard, a woman younger than me, a woman who, in reality, was still just a girl in so many ways. I’d wanted to save her, to be her partner in everything, to fill the emptiness in my life with her and be the one to do the same in her life.

  I’d ignored all the warning signs.

  And now, I was paying the price.

  “You okay over there?” Mikey asked from where he was strumming on his guitar at the opposite corner of the porch. He kept his eyes on the strings, plucking away. “You sound like a dragon with all that huffing.”

  “Fuck off, Mikey.”

  His head popped up at that, brows tugging together. “Hey…”

  “Oh, don’t mind him, Mikey,” Logan said. “He’s got his panties in a wad over Ruby Grace and clearly he just wants to sulk around us, but not actually get our advice.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I spat.

  “I know I don’t. None of us do. And we won’t until you tell us.”

  “Leave him alone,” Jordan said from his rocking chair, sipping on the old fashioned he’d made. It was like his word was final, Mikey giving me one last look before he started strumming again, and Logan sighing before he drained his beer and stood, walking inside to be with Mom.

  Jordan didn’t look at me, but I silently thanked him, anyway.

  I had so many questions running through my mind, so many things I wanted to talk about and work through. But at the end of the day, I knew it was pointless.

  It didn’t matter why she’d run from me, or why she was still marrying Anthony.

  All that mattered was that she did. And she was.

  End of story.

  I felt her hands on my shoulders before I even realized she’d joined us on the porch. Mom gave my traps a gentle squeeze, holding me in place while she spoke to my brothers. “Can you guys give us a minute?”

  Mikey stopped playing abruptly, hopping up before trotting down the stairs to his car. “I’m going to Bailey’s. I’ll be back in a bit.”

  Jordan stood next. “I’ll go see what Logan is up to.” He paused, finally looking at me. “For what it’s worth, I’m here. If you need anything.”

  Just saying that was hard for Jordan. I knew, because he hadn’t approved of my plan to try to get Ruby Grace in the first place. But as he passed, he put a hand on my shoulder next to Mom’s, squeezing once and leaning in to kiss her cheek before he left us alone.

  That was a brother’s love. It was resilient, and always there — even when we didn’t deserve it.

  When it was just me and Mom, she rounded my chair, sitting in the empty one next to me. For a long while, she was silent, just rocking next to me with her eyes on the yard.

  It was crazy sometimes, looking at Mom. She’d aged in the years since Dad had passed, and I wondered what he would look like now. Would his hair be gray? Would th
e wrinkles around his eyes and lips be deeper? Would he still be stout as ever, or would he be thin, with a beer belly and a balding head?

  Mom was still the same woman I remembered from being a toddler, even though her hair was shorter, a little grayer, her eyes a little more worn. She was still the same superhero I’d always seen when I looked at her.

  “So,” she said after a long moment, still rocking gently. “You better have a reason for not touching your brussel sprouts tonight. Those have been your favorite since you were a teenager. And your brothers hate them, so you know I made them just for you.”

  I tried to smile. “And you know I love you for it. I’ll take some home, reheat them for lunch tomorrow.”

  “I’ll pack them up for you. But that doesn’t get you off the hook for telling me why you can’t even drink your beer right now.”

  I glanced at the offending can, like it’d given away my secret even though I knew I was doing that well enough on my own.

  I’d always sucked at hiding my emotions. Jordan was the best at that, Mikey was perhaps the worst. But, I wasn’t much better than him. When I was angry, I lashed out. I got into too many fights. I shut out those who tried to help me. I would brood and sulk in my thoughts, but never share them with anyone.

  Maybe because I knew no one could help.

  Maybe because I was too scared to admit I needed it.

  “Ah,” Mom said after a long pause. “It’s a girl, isn’t it?”

  I sighed, running my finger along the edge of my beer can. “That obvious, huh?”

  She chuckled. “Well, I’ve seen you bent out of shape about many things over the years, Noah. But this… that misery on your face… it’s the kind only a broken heart can bring.”

  When I didn’t say anything more, Mom rolled her lips together, considering her next words before she spoke again.

  “You know, I always knew that when you did fall for someone, you’d fall hard. You used to watch me and your dad so closely, and I had a feeling that you’d be the one who held out for the right one. Now, don’t get me wrong,” she added with a wry smile. “I’m not naïve enough to think you’ve never dated and broken a few hearts of your own. But, I guess I just knew that you wouldn’t really give your heart away. Not until you felt like it was right.”

  I shook my head. “How do you do that? Do all moms have some sort of superpower where they can just see right through their children?”

  She laughed. “Oh, I wish. I think you were just a little easier for me to read,” she said on a shrug. “You’re like me, in a lot of ways. And I think we’ve had a special connection ever since you were born.” She chuckled again. “Your dad was always jealous of it. He wanted you to be a daddy’s boy, but you were always on my hip when you were sick or down about something.”

  I smiled, heart aching at the mention of Dad.

  “Now,” she said, patting my knee. “Tell me about her.”

  I sighed. “You’ll be disappointed in me if I do.”

  “Try me.”

  “She’s engaged,” I said first, ripping the Band-Aid off.

  Just like I thought, Mom’s face paled. “Noah Emmanuel.”

  “I know, I know,” I said, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Trust me. I tried to stay away, to keep a boundary between us. But, I swear to God, Mom — she was like a magnet. The harder I tried to stay away, the more she pulled me in. And I have no idea why or how. I just know that I was powerless to resist when it came to her.”

  Her eyes softened at that. “Well, if I’ve learned anything when it comes to love, it’s that it rarely follows all the rules we set in place for it.” She sighed. “It’s Ruby Grace Barnett, isn’t it?”

  I didn’t answer.

  I didn’t have to.

  “You know, when you were younger, I used to have to wait days for you to finally open up to me about what you were upset about,” she said. “I mean, your younger brothers would break in minutes, and Jordan would take it to the grave. But you?” She smiled. “All you needed was time.”

  I nodded, knowing it to be true.

  “And I understand if that’s what you want now. I just hate seeing you like this, and I want to help.” Mom reached over and squeezed my forearm. “But, I can’t if you don’t tell me what happened.”

  I sighed, looking up to the sky before I met her eyes. “I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know how we ended up here, or how it all started. It just… happened.”

  “When did she stop being the annoying girl who kicked the back of your pew?”

  I scoffed. “When she showed up at the distillery wearing a dress that made her look more grown than me, and heels that made her legs stretch on for days, and lips painted as red as the paint on Dad’s old Camaro.”

  Mom smiled. “How about you start there, then.”

  So I did.

  And before I knew it, the sun had set, the half moon and stars above our only light as Mom and I rocked side by side. I talked, and she listened, nodding her head and chiming in from time to time. But, for the most part, she was silent, and the night was silent — other than the faint sound of music coming from inside, where I assumed my brothers were eavesdropping and pretending to be busy.

  When I’d finished, telling her about the treehouse and how Ruby Grace had left, I fell quiet.

  I had nothing more to say.

  Mom reached over, squeezing my hand where it rested on the arm of my rocking chair before she folded her hands in her lap again. She rocked, eyes on the stars, and a long moment passed before she finally spoke.

  “There was another man before your father.”

  I cocked a brow. “What do you mean?”

  She sighed. “I mean, before I fell in love with your father, there was another man who had my interest. And I had his. I would say we were in love… but, it’s not the same love I had with your father. It was younger, wilder, not as steady.”

  “Did Dad know?”

  She smiled. “He did. He didn’t want to know much, to be honest. But I told him, just because I wanted to be honest with him.”

  I nodded, wondering why she was telling me this after all these years.

  “When your father and I announced our engagement, that other man came back into my life. It had been years,” she said, her eyes distant, a sad smile on her face. “And he’d been dating someone else… someone I was close with before. But, when he heard about your Dad and me, he came to me. He confessed his love, and he begged me not to get married.”

  My jaw fell slack. “Wow. Did Dad know about that?”

  She chuckled. “He did. I told him when it happened, but again, he didn’t want to know much. That was the special thing about your father. I was always open with him, and he was always trusting of me. I think that’s how I knew our love was real. There was no jealousy, no fear of being betrayed. We just… we just knew. We were a fact, you know?”

  My heart squeezed. “Yeah. I know.”

  Mom smiled my way. “Anyway, the reason I’m telling you this is that… there was a part of me — a very, very small part — that still had feelings for that man. I did. And I knew it was wrong, but when he came to me, I was faced with all those old emotions that we’d had together. And if I weren’t stronger, if the love between your father and me wasn’t as it was, I might have fallen. I might have given into him and done something I would have regretted.” She paused. “But, as it was, I told him I was happy with your father and that he should leave me alone. Not just for now, but forever.”

  I swallowed. “Which is exactly what Ruby Grace said to me.”

  Mom sighed, gently nodding. “Yes. And I know it hurts to hear, Son. I know it does. And maybe she really is your first love. But, our first love doesn’t usually tend to be our last. We learn from it, grow from it, and move forward. And I think that’s what you have to do here.”

  My chest twisted, head shaking involuntarily. I didn’t want that. It was the absolute last thing I felt like I could do — walk away from h
er — even if it was the right thing to do.

  “I know you don’t want to hear that,” Mom said. “But, the way I see it, whether she cares about you or not, she obviously cares about Anthony more. She’s still engaged to him, regardless of what happened between them. That tells me she wants to work on it with him. She wants to see this through. And if you love her — if you truly love her — you will respect that wish, and you will leave her be.”

  “If you love them, let them fly, huh?”

  Mom’s smile was soft, apologizing. “Something like that.”

  She reached over to grab my hand again, squeezing it once before she stood and clapped her hands together. “Now, I have peach cobbler inside, and you’re not allowed to leave until you eat at least one piece.”

  “Mom…”

  “Ah!” she said, holding up one finger as she turned her back to me. “No excuses, Noah Emmanuel. Inside. Now.”

  I smirked, shaking my head as I stood. And before Mom could open the screen door, I called out to her.

  She turned, and in that moment, I swore I saw Dad standing next to her — maybe as a memory from long ago.

  “Thank you,” I said, holding my arms open.

  She smiled, eyes glossing over as she stepped into my embrace. She rocked me like she had all my life, and I kissed her forehead, releasing her on a sigh.

  “Always, baby boy,” she said, reaching up to pinch my cheek. “Always. Now, come on. Pie awaits.”

  Jordan watched me a little too carefully as we ate pie at the dinner table, Logan filling Mom in on the latest from the distillery. I gave him what I could in terms of a reassuring smile, and he just nodded in understanding.

  I’m here, he was saying.

  I know, I said back.

  As much as my stomach protested, I choked down Mom’s pie — along with the advice she’d given me. It was the absolute last thing I wanted to hear, and part of me hoped she’d say something else.

  Fight for her!

  Object at the wedding!

  Steal the bride!

  But that wasn’t who my mother was. She was sound, peaceful, logical, and patient. She was the most nurturing and intelligent woman I knew — and what she’d told me to do was the right thing.