The Headspace Guide To A Mindful Pregnancy

by Andy Puddicombe

  As a partner to the mother, this new situation really just asks us to grow up emotionally. Sure, none of us really wants to grow up, but if ever there was a time to do it, becoming a parent would surely be that time. Yes, we may now have a baby in the bed, and it is quite likely to impact on our sexual relationship, but does it actually matter that much, for such a short period of time? And while our partner may seem far more interested in the baby’s poo than what’s going on in our life day to day, can we not give her the space of compassion in these early days, weeks, months?

  As the mother, you may well feel as though there is a distance between you and your partner, perhaps noticing their sense of isolation. Like them, you may equally miss the intimacy you previously had, but be too taken up with the new demands of motherhood, and with too many things to think about, be simply too tired to express it. It is important during this time that both partners try to maintain an honest and open dialogue telling each other how they feel. The communication that I wrote about in Chapter 7 could equally be applied here.

  Having a child doesn’t mean our relationship and our world need to be turned upside down. As someone once remarked to me, soon after having a baby themselves: ‘It’s so important to remember that the baby is coming to join you and your partner on your journey, whatever that is and whatever it looks like – not the other way round.’

  Of course, we want to maintain the intention of compassion, whereby we help to create the conditions for the baby to thrive, but we are still free to live the life we choose. We do not have to become different people, sacrificing our life and our intimacy together. We live in a world that so often seems to emphasise ‘doing’ and, as a result, we may feel that if we’re not ‘doing’ enough with our partner, we’re not together as we once were. But we do not need to be doing things in order to connect; we don’t need to be doing things in order to rediscover our intimacy. Sometimes life is more about ‘being’ than doing. Now is the time to embrace such an approach. In ‘being’, we allow things to be as they are, in that moment – truly, there is nothing more precious than this. It is the greatest gift you can ever give anyone. Simply form the intention to be with each other.

  In the context of mindfulness, the essence of mind is awareness infused with compassion. When we train the mind to be more attentive, we must never forget the ‘infused with compassion’ part of the formula. What good is a mind that is attentive and focused, perhaps driven and productive, if it does not have the capacity to meet others where they are, to feel what they are feeling, to know empathy not as an idea, but as an experience? In connecting, or reconnecting with our partner, there is no greater vehicle than that of mutual respect, understanding, compassion and trust.

  And so we return to the four foundations. In sharing and celebrating this new precious human life, we discover what it means to be together. In understanding the passage of time, and the transitory nature of impermanence, we do not hanker after the past or rush ahead to the future; instead, we make time for each other right now, in the present. In acknowledging how each and every action has a result, we are considerate, respectful, loving and kind, knowing that such qualities will only lead to more of the same in the future. And finally, in experiencing the difficulties and challenges ourselves, we begin to better understand the difficulties of the other, meeting them in a place of quiet compassion, sharing in this thing we call life. Mindfulness allows us to live life fully – fully aware, fully awake, fully alive. It is in living this way that we find peace of mind, happy relationships and our place in the world.

  A FATHER’S STORY: Sam, aged thirty-two

  I’ve had a terrible day at work. Nothing has gone to plan. I’m asked to move mountains on a shoestring with impossible deadlines, and I have a team who rely on me to be a positive figurehead. I’m expected to do this on little sleep, while feeling guilty about the sleep I do get, because my wife is coping on even less so that I can function at work. I don’t know what to expect when I get home. On a great day, I can walk through the door to a cold beer and a freshly cooked meal. On a bad one, it can be arguments and tears.

  Before writing this, my wife passed me our six-week-old son while she put the washing out. Looking at him, I realised this is all the inspiration I need. This is all I will ever need. When he stares back at me, I’m reminded of the importance of being present. I can instantly feel the stresses of the day dissolve away; all that matters in the world is him looking up at me. My interpretation of this moment would likely be very different had I not spent the months leading up to the birth training in mindfulness. Taking the time to face myself. Accepting my fears for what they are. Learning it’s OK to be anxious.

  During meditation you’re taught that it’s important to focus on the reason for doing it. My reason started as a means of relieving stress, but very quickly turned into wanting to know my own mind so that I could be a good example for my son. Fatherhood is a roller coaster of thoughts and feelings. Moments of deep concern can turn to feelings of intense elation in the blink of an eye. Being able to observe these thoughts is a skill like no other. ‘Valuable’ doesn’t really do justice to the ability to separate yourself from rising frustration at 2am, being able to focus on the breath and remain grounded.

  Finding time to be peaceful and still among the nappy changes, feeds and walking the dog is a challenge. But if I miss a few days of meditation, I find myself craving it. I feel my mind needs time to process, to organise and declutter. To clear the clouds and reveal ‘the blue sky’. The birth of my son has changed my life and priorities for ever. Coping with this and, more importantly, enjoying this, would have been so much harder had it not been for mindfulness.

  Mindfulness is a journey of a lifetime. It does not begin with pregnancy, neither does it end with childbirth. As long as we are here, as long as we remember to embrace this precious human life, there is the opportunity to let go of the past, to let go of the future, and instead rest at ease, in this moment – awareness, infused with compassion. The present moment does not exist somewhere else. It is here, now. Every time you realise you have been distracted, in that moment, you are free.

  As we transition from pregnancy to parenthood, there is no greater gift we can offer ourselves, each other or our children. Mindful parenting asks us to plant the seeds of calm, clarity, contentment and compassion in the hearts and minds of the next generation. This is the potential of learning these techniques, and this is how we begin to create the peaceful and loving world in which we would all like our children to grow.

  PART THREE

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  MEDITATION EXERCISES

  In this section is every exercise you will ever need to guide you through a mindful pregnancy. Each exercise is split into three parts, as follows:

  How to approach the exercise to get the best from it.

  How to practise the exercise to become more proficient.

  How to integrate the exercise into your everyday life.

  You’ll notice they all begin and end in exactly the same way – this sense of setting up and completion are an important part of meditation. You’ll also find there are different techniques used. All have their roots in mindfulness, but these visualisations and reflections are often considered more potent than mindfulness alone. Each self-contained exercise is designed to suit a particular time in pregnancy, childbirth, new parenthood or loss, and you’ll see the best results if they’re used in that way. That said, be flexible and trust what works for you personally. Like learning any new skill, you will feel the most benefit when you practise on a regular basis. Just ten minutes a day is a great place to begin. If you have time and feel inspired, then by all means do more.

  Finally, while everything you need is right here, if you’re the kind of person who likes a little more support, more detail or you’d prefer to be guided through this type of exercise, then don’t forget you can download the Headspace app for free, and be sure to check out www.headspace.com for all of the latest science
and some great additional resources.

  EXERCISE 1: FERTILITY

  APPROACH: Given the motivation for this exercise, there can often be a tendency to apply a lot of effort. In this case, less is more. Visualisation techniques like the one we’re going to use require a gentle approach, as if we’re thinking back to a happy memory. So, don’t worry too much about picturing all the details; focus more on the overall feeling.

  PRACTISE:

  Find a quiet, not-to-be-disturbed place. Sit upright; back straight, with arms and legs uncrossed and hands on lap. Or you can lie down on a firm surface if preferable. If so, remember to set a timer for, say, 10 minutes, in case you fall asleep.

  With eyes open, take three deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth. With the third exhalation, close the eyes and allow your breath to return to its natural rhythm.

  Take a minute, noticing how the body feels (any obvious aches or pains), without trying to change the breaths, whether they are long or short, deep or shallow.

  Next, imagine a steady stream of sunlight pouring down on your head, almost like a shower. It appears like sunlight, but flows like liquid. Imagine that this sunlight has the ability to dissolve any kind of obstacle.

  As you imagine this flow of sunlight coming into the body via the head, imagine it is dissolving any aches and pains, any negativity or disturbing emotions, almost as though everything dissolves into sunlight.

  Take 5 minutes to watch as this sunlight fills the body, starting from the toes and slowly moving upwards through the torso until it reaches the top of the head.

  Even though the entire body is now full, maybe even overflowing, imagine the sunlight still flows from above, and enjoy the feeling of being bathed in warmth. Acknowledge and remember this feeling.

  Letting go of any focus at all now, allow your mind to do whatever it wants in the next 10–20 seconds. If it wants to think, let it think; if it wants to stay with the feeling allow it to stay. Whatever it wants, allow it to be free.

  Now, slowly bring the attention back to you feeling the sensation of the body against the chair, the feet on the floor and the hands in the lap, as well as any sounds. Give yourself 30 seconds or so before gently opening the eyes.

  Take a moment to acknowledge how different you feel. Remind yourself of this feeling and, in your own time, slowly stand up and imagine carrying that feeling with you into the day.

  INTEGRATE: Just because we’ve opened our eyes, doesn’t mean the exercise is over. Maintain this idea of nothing but sunlight in your body as you go about your day. At any time, should you get stressed, grab two minutes and remind yourself of this exercise, almost reliving it, remembering the feeling as an experience. By doing this, we are able to cultivate a very calm environment in the body.

  EXERCISE 2: RECEIVING THE NEWS

  APPROACH: At this time, the mind is likely to be extremely restless and agitated. The last thing you want to do is try and ‘stop’ thoughts during this exercise. Instead, take a step back and allow them to come and go, each time returning to your object of focus. The mind instinctively knows what to do if we approach it in the right way. This exercise will actually prove invaluable, not only now, but at any time during pregnancy or parenthood.

  PRACTISE:

  Find a quiet, not-to-be-disturbed place. Sit upright; back straight, with arms and legs uncrossed and hands on lap. Or lie down on a firm surface if preferable. If so, remember to set a timer for, say, 10 minutes in case you fall asleep.

  With eyes open, take three deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth. With the third exhalation, close the eyes and allow your breath to return to its natural rhythm.

  Take a minute, noticing how the body feels (any obvious aches or pains), without trying to change the breaths, whether they are long or short, deep or shallow.

  Move your attention to the top of the head. Take 30 seconds to slowly scan down through the body, noticing every different physical sensation in more detail, both those that are pleasurable and those that are not.

  Bring your attention to the breath and take a minute or two to notice how the breath feels. For example, note if you feel the movement in your chest or in your belly, and if the natural breaths are long or slow, deep or shallow.

  As you follow the breath, and to help maintain focus, begin to silently count the breaths as they pass: 1 with the rise, 2 with the fall, then 3, then 4, all the way to a count of 10. Stop and start again. Try this several times through.

  The mind will naturally want to run off in different directions right now, but as soon as you realise you’re getting lost in thought, simply return to the breath in a gentle way and pick up the counting from where you left off.

  Letting go of any focus at all, allow your mind to do whatever it wants to do in the next 10–20 seconds. If it wants to think, let it think; if it wants to stay with the feeling, allow it to stay. Whatever it wants, allow it to be free.

  Now, slowly bring the attention back to you feeling the sensation of the body against the chair, the feet on the floor and the hands in the lap, as well as any sounds. Give yourself 30 seconds or so before gently opening the eyes.

  Take a moment to acknowledge how different you feel. Remind yourself of this feeling and, in your own time, slowly stand up and imagine carrying that with you into the day.

  INTEGRATE: Given the news you’ve just received, regardless of whether that comes as a surprise or a shock, the mind is likely to be highly agitated throughout the day. Use the breath as an anchor, a place of safety to return to every time you realise the mind is spinning off. There is no need to count as we did in the exercise; instead, gently focus attention on the breath for 30 seconds or so, before continuing with whatever you’re doing.

  EXERCISE 3: THE TRIMESTERS

  APPROACH: This exercise is our go-to technique throughout the trimesters, to be used any time. It is about helping to create a calm and conducive environment, while fostering greater connection with yourself, your partner and your baby. As with all visualisations, don’t focus too much on the details; instead focus more on the feeling it generates. Also, be aware that sometimes the feeling just isn’t there; it doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong – it’s simply like that some days, so try to sit free from any expectation.

  PRACTISE:

  Find a quiet, not-to-be-disturbed place. Sit upright; back straight, with arms and legs uncrossed and hands on lap. Or lie down on a firm surface if preferable. If so, remember to set a timer for, say, 10 minutes in case you fall asleep.

  With eyes open, take three deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth. With the third exhalation, close the eyes and allow your breath to return to its natural rhythm.

  Take a minute, noticing how the body feels (any obvious aches or pains), without trying to change the breaths, whether they are long or short, deep or shallow.

  Next, take 2 minutes to imagine yourself sitting happily and comfortably in your favourite place. Then watch – as you picture yourself looking increasingly relaxed – the tension melt away and any difficulties dissolve into space, leaving nothing but calm.

  Repeat this exercise, but now with your partner in mind, in just the same way. Take 2 minutes to imagine them looking happy and well, perfectly at ease, free from stress. As you send them love, picture them until they can’t look any happier.

  Now, take 2 minutes to imagine the baby in the womb. Imagine he/she looking as happy as he/she can – the serene picture of peace. Imagine sending your baby feelings of love and kindness, as if mentally transmitting feeling.

  Finally, return to that image of yourself, sitting comfortably, perfectly at ease, safe in the knowledge that the family unit is happy and well. See yourself smile, see yourself relax, see yourself laugh, as you feel that sense of connection.

  Letting go of any focus at all, allow your mind to do whatever it wants to do in the next 10–20 seconds. If it wants to think, let it think, if it wants to stay with the feeling, allow it to stay.
Whatever it wants, allow it to be free.

  Now, slowly bring the attention back to you feeling the sensation of the body against the chair, the feet on the floor and the hands in the lap, as well as any sounds. Give yourself 30 seconds or so before gently opening the eyes.

  Take a moment to acknowledge how different you feel. Remind yourself of this feeling and, in your own time, slowly stand up and imagine carrying that with you into the day.

  INTEGRATE: As with all these exercises, it seems a shame to leave them on the meditation seat, so to speak. There’s no need to run through the whole exercise, but when you find yourself with any free time, or perhaps having a particularly tough part of the day, then simply imagine yourself looking calm and content. Yes, it’s only an idea, but it has a real effect on the body. Likewise, if you’re looking to support your partner, direct it towards them. And something you can both do, all day long, is imagine directing feelings of kindness and love to your baby or child.