The Stand-In Boyfriend

by Doherty, Emma

  “You know what, forget it. None of this is real anyway, right?”

  And that’s what is comes back to—this not being real. This fake relationship we’ve had for the last few months was based on lies. It isn’t real, but it is. This feels very, very real right now. It wouldn’t hurt this much if it wasn’t real.

  “Chase, please.” I step away from Jessie and toward him. “Let’s just talk, please, just you and me. You wanted to talk, let’s just talk.”

  “Nah, forget it. Fucking forget it all.”

  “Chase—”

  “It wasn’t real anyway, right?”

  I shake my head, “Please, just talk to me.”

  “Right?”

  “Chase,” I plead.

  “Just answer the fucking question, Liv. It was never real was it?”

  “I don’t—”

  He steps toward me, his stance ready for attack. I’ve never seen him this angry. “Yes or no. It was never real, was it?”

  I shake my head in despair. “No,” I whisper. “No, it was never real.”

  All the fight falls out of him. He simply nods at me, like he just got confirmation of what he already knew, then turns and walks away. Watching him walk away from me, shoulders slumped, without further argument leaves me feeling worse than I’ve ever felt in my life.

  Brendon and Jackson immediately follow after. Aaron hesitates, his face hard, until I step forward to follow Chase. “Give him some space,” he tells me—commands me.

  “I didn’t mean for this to happen,” I whisper.

  Aaron shrugs, his usual cheerful persona deadly serious. “Come on, Livy, you knew how he felt.”

  I shake my head. I didn’t. I didn’t for ages. This was about him avoiding Abigail and focusing on soccer. I didn’t know it would turn into this. “I’m sorry.”

  Aaron lets out a snort of disbelief then turns away and follows his friend. He doesn’t have to say it: sorry isn’t good enough.

  I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO do after Chase leaves. I want to be alone. I want the ground to swallow me up. I want this horrible feeling that I’ve made an irreparable mistake to leave me. All I can do is watch in despair as he disappears into his car and starts it up before Aaron, Jackson, and Brendon have even had time to climb in. As his taillights disappear around the corner, an overwhelming sadness takes over.

  “Livy.” I glance over to see Jessie standing there, concern written all over his face. “It’s okay. He’ll get over it.”

  I want to nod my head but I don’t. I’m sure he will eventually, but right now it doesn’t seem likely.

  “Did you really just cheat on Chase Mitchell with Jessie Stephenson?”

  I turn to see Sarah Billington watching me with her arms folded, and I audibly swallow when I see the number of people that have spilled out onto the lawn behind her. Half the party witnessed that scene. Everyone in school will know by the end of the night.

  “Shut up,” Abigail snaps next to her. “You don’t know what happened.”

  Sarah raises an eyebrow at her tone. She looks as surprised as I do that Abigail seems to be sticking up for me.

  “Come on.” Jessie draws my attention back to him, jerking his head toward the street where his car is parked. “Let’s get out of here. I’ll take you home.” He reaches for my hand but Sophie beats him to it, gripping hard and pulling me away from him. “Hey!”

  “She’s coming with me,” Sophie tells Jessie, looking him dead in the eye and daring him to argue with her.

  “What?”

  “You have a house full of people. This is your party—you can’t bail.”

  “Yeah, I think the party’s over, Soph.”

  “I don’t care. She’s coming with me.”

  “Are you serious? We need to talk.”

  Sophie just grips my arm tighter and starts leading me away. “You can talk in the morning.”

  “Sophie!” Jessie steps in front of us, blocking our route.

  “Move,” she demands, her voice determined.

  “You’re really not gonna let me take her home?” he asks incredulously. “I don’t know if you noticed, but we have some things we need to talk about.”

  “I think you’ve done enough for tonight,” she tells him, her voice scathing. I’m watching them but I’m not taking it in. All I can do is replay that scene with Chase over and over in my head. I catch my breath and bite down hard on the inside of my mouth, desperate not to start crying again.

  They stare each other down and I feel like my head is about to explode. I can’t deal with these two fighting on top of everything else. Finally Jessie breaks eye contact and reaches for my hand, and for a second, I consider taking it. I consider taking Jessie’s hand just like I’ve wanted to all along, but I can’t right now. I can’t with everyone watching us. I can’t with the look on Chase’s face still imprinted on my mind.

  “I’m tired, Jessie.” And I am. I’m suddenly so, so tired.

  He nods and offers me a weak smile, a feeble attempt to hide his frustration at my rejection. “Okay. Call me if you need to talk and we can catch up tomorrow. It’s gonna be okay.”

  I nod.

  “We are going to be okay, Livy.”

  We—Jessie and I are a we now. Sophie doesn’t stick around to let us talk further, back to dragging me away from him, and when I turn to give him a half-hearted wave, I’m grateful because I can’t stand how many people are still lingering, watching like this is reality television.

  We don’t say much on the car ride home. I don’t think I could say anything even if I wanted to. I’m still trying to process what happened, how in the blink of an eye Chase is gone and Jessie is in his place. I should be happy about this—I am happy about this, but I can’t stop the panic I feel when I think of Chase not being in my life. I can’t stop feeling that I don’t want Chase out of my life.

  Sophie pulls up outside my house but I don’t move. I’m totally drained of energy. Even climbing out of the car and heading up to my room seems like an impossible task right now.

  “He hates me, doesn’t he?”

  Sophie shifts uncomfortably. She doesn’t have to ask who I’m talking about. “He seemed pretty upset,” she concedes.

  I nearly laugh out loud. Upset is an understatement. From where I was standing, it looked like I’d broken his heart, but when did I get the power to do that? When did it change between us? And why have I only just figured it out?

  “Are you okay?” Sophie’s voice is gentle.

  I lean back against the headrest, closing my eyes. No. No, I’m not okay. I’ve messed everything up. “I don’t know what to do,” I admit.

  “What happened?” That’s right—she doesn’t even know. She just supported me as always, no questions asked.

  “I kissed Jessie. Chase walked in.”

  A faint smile covers her lips. “I figured that, Liv. I mean how did it happen?”

  I shrug and have to fight to hold back the tears. I hate that something I’ve wanted for so long, have literally dreamed about for years finally happened and has left me feeling like this. Jessie is everything I’ve always wanted, but all I can focus on is the betrayal on Chase’s face. It was never supposed to happen like this. “He, um…” I try to remember exactly what happened; it feels like a lifetime ago when I went up to his room. “Hallie told me he was upset so I went to his room.” I sigh. “He knew, Soph. He knew how I felt all along, and I dunno, we just…I wasn’t…he said he loved me.”

  Her eyes flash. “He said what?”

  I frown at the look on her face. “He said he loved me, said he was scared before and had messed it all up.”

  Sophie lets out a snort of disbelief, shaking her head.

  “What?” I ask sharply, and she mutters something under her breath that I don’t understand. “What?” I ask again. “What did you say?”

  She sighs loudly before turning to me. “I said typical.”

  “What?” My brain doesn’t have the capacity to figure this out
right now.

  “I said typical fucking Jessie.”

  I screw up my face. I have no idea what she’s talking about. “I kissed him, Soph, not the other way around.”

  “Yeah, after he’d just told you he loves you. The selfish dick manipulated you into it.”

  “Hey! Don’t talk about him like that. He’s our best friend.”

  “No,” she states firmly. “You’re my best friend, Livy. You.” She must see the confusion written all over my face because she explains further. “I like Jessie. He’s fun, but he’s also selfish and takes you for granted. You’re my number one. You’re the one whose back I’ve got.”

  I reach up and rub my fists into my eyes. All three of us have always been friends. She’s going to have to break this down for me.

  “Look, Livy, you’ve liked Jessie for years, right?” I nod. “Well did you really think he didn’t know how you felt?”

  I blush. Not until he told me. I really did think I was better at hiding it, and if he knew, God knows how many people actually knew my so-called secret. “He didn’t want to ruin things between us.”

  She curls her lip at his reasoning. “He didn’t want to change things because having you there on a leash was convenient for him.”

  My jaw falls open. “I was not there on a leash.”

  She looks me right in the eye. “He gets you to do his homework, you’re willing to drop everything if he needs you, you always have his back no matter what, even when he’s shoving other girls in your face—of course he didn’t want to change things between you. He had it good as far as you were concerned, and he didn’t give a damn that he was using you and hurting you by keeping you so close.”

  “That’s not…” I’m so shocked that I’m stumbling over my words. “That’s not what happened.”

  “And then Chase took what he considered to be his and he didn’t like it. He clearly didn’t care that you’re happy with Chase, that you’re the happiest and most relaxed I’ve ever seen you. Nope, Jessie Stephenson doesn’t care about that.”

  I’m astounded. I had no idea she thought about Jessie like that. I always thought all three of us were best friends. “But Chase and I aren’t real, you know that.”

  She scoffs. “If you and Chase weren’t real then you wouldn’t be shaking like a leaf and he wouldn’t have looked like someone just killed his dog.” She’s confirming what I already know.

  This is too much, way too much information. “So you don’t think Jessie loves me?”

  She throws her hands up in the air. “I don’t know. He cares about you. He’s crazy jealous of Chase—there was no hiding that. Of course he cares about you and he’d be crazy not to love you, but it just seems very convenient for him right now.”

  I want to tell her to shut up, want to tell her she’s wrong, but it’s all sounding painfully true, and the one thing I know above anything else is that Sophie wouldn’t lie to me. She has no reason to, and she’s the one who has my back one hundred percent. “What am I gonna do?”

  She reaches out and squeezes my hand. “I don’t know, but make sure whatever it is, you do it because you want it. Forget everyone else. This is about you and what makes you happy, and you deserve to be happy, Liv. You deserve it all.”

  MY MIND IS STILL REELING the next day. I can’t stop thinking about last night and everything that went down. I’ve barely left my room and I feel physically sick about the way Chase looked at me. I’ve texted him three times today but he hasn’t gotten back to me. I even summoned up my courage and called him when he didn’t respond, but my call got cut off almost immediately. He clearly has no interest in speaking to me. My mom can tell something is up, but I don’t feel like talking. I don’t feel like doing anything except wallowing in my own self-pity.

  “Hey.” I look up in surprise to see Jessie standing in my doorway.

  “Uh, hi,” I reply, my eyes darting around nervously. I wasn’t ready to face this yet. He sent me a couple of texts earlier but I told him I just needed some space today to process. I’m not ready to think about what happens next with Jessie.

  “Can I come in?” he asks.

  I nod, because, really? I can hardly send him away.

  He enters the room cautiously and takes a seat opposite me on my bed. I don’t change my position, legs crossed and hands in my lap, not even when he shifts in closer to me.

  “Are you okay?” he asks. His voice is so gentle that I meet his gaze, and that’s when I remember who this is. This is Jessie, my best friend. Yes, he has his faults, and yes, the timing yesterday wasn’t perfect, but he’s always meant everything to me.

  I shake my head and my lips start to tremble. He’s shifted over and wrapped his arms around me in seconds, holding me tight and making me feel better than I have all day. He makes soothing noises and tells me over and over again that I’m okay until I start to believe it. Eventually I manage to get it together and pull back from him.

  “I knew this would be tearing you up,” he tells me softly. “I knew you’d be hating yourself today.”

  Of course he knows this. He’s Jessie; he knows me just as well as I know him.

  “I just feel so guilty,” I tell him. “Chase looked so upset.”

  He nods and a flash of sadness crosses his face. I suddenly realize how shitty that sounds. I kissed Jessie yesterday after he told me he loved me and all I can do is talk about how bad I feel about Chase.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I shouldn’t be saying this to you.”

  “No.” He holds his hand up to stop me from saying anything further. “You can tell me anything—you know that.”

  I offer a weak smile. I can’t tell him anything. If I could, I would have told him how I felt about him and this whole mess would never have happened, but then I would never have gotten to know Chase and I don’t want that either.

  It’s like he can read my mind. “You do know that, don’t you, Liv?”

  I shrug and sigh. I’m done lying to him. From now on, I have to be honest with Jessie. “I don’t know.”

  He stares at me for a minute, his eyes taking in every part of my face as I stare back at him, not turning away, taking in every inch of Jessie Stephenson, the guy I’ve known for seven years and have been in love with for almost as long.

  “I’ve been an idiot, a total fucking asshole.”

  I don’t say anything. I don’t agree or disagree, but Sophie’s words from last night play on a loop in my head.

  “I get why Sophie wouldn’t let you stay with me last night. I get why when I spoke to her earlier she was pissed and told me to leave you alone for now.”

  “Yeah?”

  He nods. “I’m a selfish dick who couldn’t see what he wanted until someone else had it.”

  I almost smirk. I’d bet money Sophie used very similar words when talking to him.

  “And the way I’ve behaved has hurt you and upset you and I don’t deserve another chance, but I promise you, Livy, I wasn’t lying yesterday. I do love you.”

  My breath catches. He’s not taking it back and he hasn’t changed his mind. “You mean it?”

  He nods and a smile traces across his lips. “I’ve loved you for a really long time, I was just too dumb to figure it out earlier.”

  Despite everything, my whole body ignites at his words and I have to blink back tears—tears of happiness this time, because everything I’ve ever wanted has just come true. Jessie Stephenson just confirmed that he loves me.

  “How…” His voice turns hesitant and he glances down at the bedspread, chasing lines on the cotton, not meeting my eyes. “How do you feel about me? After, you know, after you and Chase…”

  The sound of Chase’s name sobers me instantly, but then I push the feeling away. Jessie and Chase are completely separate entities in my life, and that’s the way they have to stay, because I owe it to Jessie to give us a chance. More than that, I owe it to myself. I owe it to myself to see things through with him. I’ve waited years for this, and ther
e’s no way I’m turning away now, not after I’m so close to getting everything I’ve ever wanted.

  “I, uh…” I steel myself. “I pick you.” His whole body relaxes. “I pick you, Jessie.”

  YESTERDAY WITH JESSIE WAS EVERYTHING I’ve ever wanted and more. We spent the entire afternoon together, kissing, cuddling, getting to know each other in this new way, and after a couple of hours, I told him about Chase, about our agreement. I could see his mind whirling with questions but he didn’t push me, just let me tell him in my own time, and when I told him why we agreed to do it—so I could make him jealous—I could see the relief in his eyes. I know it made him feel more stable in my feelings for him. I didn’t mention how by the end it didn’t feel like a fake relationship and how I can’t keep Chase far from my mind. I know that’s just because everything’s so recent. I know in a week or two things will go back to normal and Jessie and I can get on with our lives.

  Today, however—today I feel sick, because I’m sitting in my car in the student parking lot staring at the school in front of me and feeling like I’d rather be anywhere but here. Jessie offered to pick me up and drive in with me, but I didn’t think it was the best idea. I need to speak to Chase before he sees me with Jessie—I owe him that much.

  I glance at my watch, see the bell’s about to ring, and realize I can’t avoid it any longer. I step out of my car, slam the door behind me, and start the trek into school. Two feet appear in front of me, stopping me in my tracks, and with relief, I look up to see Sophie.

  “Are you okay?”

  I nod. “Yeah.” She raises a skeptical eyebrow. I manage a small chuckle. “Well, I’m terrified that everyone’s going to be talking about me and staring at me.”

  She shrugs but doesn’t deny it will happen; she knows better than that when it comes to gossip at this school. I’ll feel like an exhibit in a museum by the end of the day. “Let them look.”

  “I need to find Chase.”

  She nods. “What are you going to tell him?” I remember she doesn’t know about Jessie. I turned my phone off yesterday afternoon and got lost in him.