The Stand-In Boyfriend

by Doherty, Emma

  “That, um, that…” It’s not as easy now that I’m not alone with him in my room. “That Jessie and I are together,” I blurt out quickly. “We’re going to give it a shot.”

  If she’s surprised, she doesn’t show it. “Are you sure?”

  I nod. How can I not be after all the time I’ve spent dreaming about being with him?

  She smiles, though it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “Then I’m happy for you guys.”

  Then she links her arm through mine, pulls me into her side, and we enter the building together.

  It’s almost lunchtime before I see him. I’ve been alternating between keeping my eyes peeled because I’m impatient and keeping my head down because I’m scared. I can’t decide which one it is. I haven’t seen Jessie all morning either, which I think is for the best. I know if I wanted him, he’d be beside me the whole time, but I thought it was best that we aren’t seen together until I’ve spoken to Chase, so instead he’s been sending me texts, checking that I’m okay and sending cute little memes that are supposed to make me laugh. They don’t though. I know I won’t do that until I’ve talked to Chase and made things okay between us, until everyone stops staring at me and whispering about me behind my back.

  Sophie’s caught up with me between classes, walking along beside me, keeping me company. I know she’s just doing it to try to stop me from freaking out about all the stares I’m getting, but it’s not really working. I hate that everyone knows what went down on Saturday night.

  She halts abruptly and I almost bang into her. When I turn to see what the cause of her sudden stop is, my heart immediately starts hammering rapidly in my chest.

  Chase is just ahead, standing with Aaron at his open locker with Brendon beside him. He’s laughing at something Brendon is saying and looks like he doesn’t have a care in the world. Abigail and Sarah stop beside them and join the conversation. My throat suddenly turns dry and I have to force myself to keep breathing.

  The hum of students moving down the hall quiets around me and I realize people are noticing what’s happening, even if Chase hasn’t yet. They’re stopping and looking between the two of us, expecting some sort of drama and wanting a front row seat to the show. It makes me want to vomit.

  Eventually the quiet hits their group and Abigail looks around first, her eyes settling on me. It causes the rest of them to take notice, and finally Chase turns his head and locks his gaze with mine.

  Neither of us says anything. We just stare at each other and everyone else falls away. All I can see is Chase, and it makes me question everything I’ve decided over the last twenty-four hours. That’s what Chase does to me, has always done to me—makes me question what I think I know about myself and pushed me out of my comfort zone.

  Sophie clears her throat next to me as the late bell rings. Reluctantly, students start making their way to their next class, but I don’t move, and neither does Chase.

  Sophie grips my wrist. “Come on,” she mutters and pulls me the remaining steps to them.

  When I get there, I don’t know what to say. They all look so hostile, so pissed at me that it takes everything I have not to run away, but I need to talk to him. I need to make things okay between us.

  Abigail clears her throat. “We better get to class,” she announces.

  Sarah looks visibly dismayed that she’s not about to witness this encounter, and Brendon and Aaron glance over at Chase, who nods his head ever so slightly. Everyone disappears, leaving just the two of us.

  We still don’t say anything to each other, and it makes me momentarily so sad to think that a week ago he would have been teasing me about getting a tardy, knowing that would be stressing me out. Today, he doesn’t tease me. He doesn’t say anything to me.

  “How are you?” I manage to choke out, glancing down the hallway behind him.

  He shrugs indifferently, like this is any normal day to him, but then maybe it is. Maybe it’s just me who’s feeling like something is horribly, horribly wrong.

  “I, um, I…” I don’t know what to say, don’t even know what I want to say. I just want him not to hate me. I want him to be my friend again. “I tried calling you yesterday.”

  He nods. “I know.”

  I gulp and look away. How am I supposed to answer that?

  After another thirty seconds, I say the only thing I really need him to know. “I’m sorry.” My words are a whisper.

  He doesn’t respond, just continues to stare at me, his face stoic.

  “I’m really sorry, Chase.”

  “Are you with him now?” His words are clear and loud and such a contrast to mine that I almost jump.

  I force myself to look him in the eye. “Yes.”

  He doesn’t react, not at all. I’m not sure what I expected him to do or say, but it wasn’t this. It wasn’t nothing.

  After what feels like a lifetime, he turns away from me and starts walking down the hallway.

  It triggers me into action. “Stop, wait! Wait, Chase.”

  He turns back, his face giving nothing away, and I cover the distance between us. I try not to wince when he deems me too close to him and takes a step back.

  “I, um, I hope we can be friends,” I manage to force out. “I really, really want us to be friends.”

  His mouth turns into a sneer. “Why?”

  I suck in a breath. Why?

  “Uh, because…because…”

  “Look, Livy, just don’t worry about it.”

  “No—I mean, yes, I do worry about it. I know before Saturday things had started to change between us and our feelings—”

  His scoff cuts me off and I suddenly feel more exposed than I would if I was naked at a pep rally.

  “It’s fine. We’re good. Everything ended up just like we planned. What can I say? I’m a really good actor.”

  It’s like he’s slapped me. “Actor?”

  “Yeah, turns out I didn’t just have Stephenson convinced—I had you too.” I freeze. No. No, it wasn’t in my head. I know it. I know things had changed between us. “Just do me a favor, yeah?” he asks.

  I’m not capable of saying anything in return. I can’t even nod my head.

  “Stay away from me, okay? I feel like we could both do with some space from each other.” Then he does turn and walk away, and this time I don’t stop him. This time I sink into the locker beside me and try desperately to remember my breathing exercises or else I know I’m going to go into a full-on panic attack. All I wanted to do today was make sure Chase doesn’t hate me, and if that exchange is anything to go by, he doesn’t. It’s worse than that—he doesn’t care enough to hate me.

  “HOW’S LOVER BOY?” MARIA ASKS.

  Tia snorts next to me. “Which one?”

  Hallie scowls as I blush bright red. Tia looks over at me and rolls her eyes. “Oh, come on. You’ve got to admit it is funny. You don’t date anyone for years and all of a sudden you have two guys fighting over you.”

  “They’re not fighting over me.” Quite the opposite actually. Chase won’t even look at me. I doubt he’ll even allow himself to mention my name.

  “Leave her alone,” Hallie snaps. We’re in the girls’ locker room and have just changed into our practice jerseys for the last time. Today is our last soccer practice of high school. I thought I’d be sad about this day but I truly couldn’t care less. I have way too much going on in my head to add getting upset about soccer to the mix.

  “We’re just kidding.”

  “So if Chase is single again, you won’t mind if I give him my number, will you?” Maria asks, a challenge in her eyes.

  I blink in surprise and try to ignore the hammer to my heart that her words bring. “Uh, n-no.”

  She smirks. “Great, because I was walking behind him yesterday, and that ass…” Her eyes slide to me, waiting for my reaction. I don’t say anything. Yes, he has a great ass. Yes, he’s gorgeous. Yes, every girl in school is now circling, waiting for him to make his next move. “And I need to move fas
t if I want to get in there before Abigail.”

  I suck in air through my nose. I’ve seen them together a lot around school but haven’t heard they’re getting back together. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time though.

  Tia shakes her head. “They’re not getting back together. Rumor is she’s not even trying.”

  “Good,” Maria states. She’s staring straight at me. “You know you did us all a favor, Livy.”

  I stare back at her in confusion. I have no idea what she’s talking about.

  “Before you he didn’t look twice at soccer players. You’ve paved the way for the rest of us.” I blink rapidly, trying to hide any emotion on my face. The thought of Chase being with one of my teammates makes me feel ill. “And I volunteer to try to hit that first because that boy is fine and it would be a damn shame not to try to mend his broken heart.”

  I swallow hard and stare straight ahead, trying to force down the tears that are threatening to appear. I hate the thought of him with Maria. I hate the thought of him with anyone, but I know that’s ridiculous—I have Jessie now.

  “Don’t be a bitch,” Hallie says, shoving her with her shoulder. Maria laughs and walks off, Tia following her.

  Hallie offers me a sympathetic smile. “I heard a couple of people in English talking about how you and Chase weren’t really dating.”

  I bite the inside of my lip. I’ve been waiting for someone to say that to me, to comment on the fact that Chase was asking me if it was real when we were fighting outside Jessie’s house.

  “Chase told them to stop running their mouths. He said there was nothing fake about how he felt about you, which definitely shut them up.”

  This tiny bit of information makes my heart soar. Part of me knows it’s him just covering for me because he knows I wouldn’t want our business to become public knowledge—well, more so than it already is; even if he won’t look at me, he still has my back. Another part of me knows it’s true. There was nothing fake about the way we felt about each other, not by the end.

  “And”—my attention shifts back to Hallie—“Abigail found me earlier today. She apologized for what she said about me.” Her face blushes pink. We’ve never discussed what Abigail said; she’ll talk about it when she’s ready. “She said it was her own issues and she shouldn’t have used me to make herself feel better.” Hallie actually grins. “She said she deserved everything you said to her in return.”

  That surprises me too. Abigail hasn’t been acting at all the way I’d expect her to be. When I’ve seen her in the halls, she hasn’t been giving me dirty looks. She hasn’t exactly been friendly either, but I swear yesterday she almost stopped to say something to me before thinking better of it.

  Hallie offers me one last smile then turns and follows after Maria out of the locker room. After a couple of seconds, I follow too, and I try my hardest to get focused for my final practice of high school, but I can’t. All I can think about is what Maria said, the other girls Chase will use to replace me, and the way that makes me want to scream.

  “No.”

  Everyone turns and stares at me but I don’t look back at them. I just keep staring at Coach Simpson, who is standing beside the boys’ coach.

  “We need to focus,” I tell him.

  He screws his face up. “We’re state champions, Chapman. We did it. The season’s over and this is the last practice. We thought it would be fun.”

  I audibly swallow. It would be fun…if the captain of the soccer team weren’t currently acting like I don’t exist.

  “I’m down,” Maria says, glancing toward me as a wave of noise hits us and the boys stop beside us.

  “It’s good for your fitness anyway,” Coach Simpson says, dismissing me. “Pick your teams, same rules as last time,” he instructs before turning to talk to the boys’ coach.

  I bite my lip and continue to stare ahead. The last thing I want to do is spend my final practice of high school playing against the boys’ team, but I can’t exactly continue arguing without looking like a complete idiot. I can sense someone watching me, and I just know it’s him. I can feel it, but I don’t glance his way. I can’t stand that this is the closest he’s been to me in a week and yet I can’t talk to him. It’s like we’re strangers.

  Hallie and Aaron step up like last time, and it doesn’t escape my notice that Aaron doesn’t choose me first this time. He doesn’t even look at me and I try to pretend that doesn’t bother me, but we’ve become friends over the last year and I hate that he now thinks badly of me. Although, if what Chase said is true, why would Aaron be angry? Chase was acting; that’s what he told me, but I know that’s not true, no matter what he says.

  Aaron picks Chase as soon as he can this time, and when it becomes obvious they have no intention of picking me, Hallie does. This time when we’re playing, Chase doesn’t come anywhere near me. Even when I have the ball and am close to him, he doesn’t attempt to tackle me. It’s like, to him, I don’t exist, and I guess when he said we should stay away from each other, he meant it. I feel strangely emotional, and my performance is dismal. I can’t keep my head in the game, missing the simplest of passes, and I keep getting the ball taken from me.

  It gets worse when I see Maria moving out of her position so she can mark Chase. She shouldn’t be close to him at all but she’s stuck to him like glue, and it’s definitely not non-contact soccer that she’s playing. When she actually manages to take the ball from him and pass to someone else on our team, he laughs and reaches out, grabbing her wrist, and I realize he’s flirting back. It’s too much for me. I turn to the sidelines, see one of the junior players watching, and call for her to swap in for me. I give her my jersey and run off the field before anyone even notices, and if they do, they don’t care. I run back to the locker rooms and don’t even bother with a shower, just grab my stuff and head to the parking lot. I jump in my car and drive home, head straight to my room, and climb into my bed, pulling the covers over my head and trying to pretend I haven’t made a complete mess of everything.

  IT’S A WEEK LATER AND I’m staring at the clock on my dashboard. It’s 6:34. I’ve been sitting here in my car for 23 minutes—23 minutes of me staring at the time, periodically glancing out the window thinking I have the guts to get out of the car, but then I don’t and return to staring at the dashboard.

  Because I’m too much of a coward to get out.

  Because I’m parked outside Chase’s house.

  Because I’m terrified he’ll confirm that he hates me.

  My phone pings and when I go to check it, I see a text from Jessie. I don’t bother to open it. He’s been attentive and affectionate all week, something I’ve waited years for, but I can’t enjoy it because despite the way he’s acting, I know I’ve hurt Chase. I can’t stand how much I’ve hurt him.

  I think maybe Jessie’s gotten a bit of hassle at school over this whole thing. Chase hasn’t said anything to him but I know a few people have told Jessie they think what we did was shady. They don’t know the whole story and Jessie hasn’t corrected them, but I think he got sick of all the gossip the other day because he came up to me at my locker and kissed me without warning. I was startled and flustered afterward, and not entirely happy about the PDA, but I could see the stress in his face and I think he did it to prove to whoever was looking that we were good and we didn’t care what they were saying. Then he hugged me to him and when I glanced down the hallway, over his shoulder, I saw Chase standing with Aaron, his eyes locked on us. He saw the kiss. He saw the whole thing, and it made me feel sick to my stomach. He didn’t say anything to Aaron, just turned and walked away, but the look on his face has been stuck in my head ever since. I hate that I’m the cause of that expression on his face.

  There’s a sharp knock on my driver’s window and I jump out of my skin.

  Rosie Mitchell’s standing there. She waits for me to react, and when I just sit there staring back at her like the dumbest idiot in the world, she rolls her eyes and makes a circle mot
ion with her hand, indicating that I should roll my window down. I hit the button while she puts her hands on her hips, staring at me. Her face looks irritated but not entirely hostile.

  “You’ve been sitting here for half an hour.”

  “Um…yeah, I know, sorry.”

  “I got tired of waiting for you to grow a pair and actually get out.”

  “Oh, sorry, I—”

  “He’s not here,” she cuts in. “I think he’s at Aaron’s.

  “Oh.” Disappointment floods me, because although I’m scared to talk to him, I want to. I really, really want to. I’m pretty sure Aaron wouldn’t be too impressed with me showing up at his house though. He says the bare minimum to me in class. He’s not happy with me; that much is pretty obvious.

  Rosie’s watching me closely, her eyes narrowed on my face. She looks away for a second, makes a decision, and then turns back to me. “Look, why don’t you come in for a minute? He won’t be back for a while, but I think we should talk.”

  “Um, so, did he…did he tell you?”

  “Tell me you broke up?”

  I nod my head.

  “No, but he’s been in a shitty mood since last weekend so I figured something was up, and then I spoke to Aaron and he told me what actually happened.”

  I swallow while she just levels me with a stare, her face indifferent. “I, um…”

  “Come on.” She jerks her head in the direction of her house. “We need to talk.” She turns and walks up her drive before I have a chance to say anything in return.

  By the time I find her again, she’s leaning against the breakfast counter in the kitchen. She didn’t even bother to wait for me at the door, and I’m starting to regret following her in here. I know how protective she is of Chase, and she’s clearly not happy with me.

  “Why did you come here?” she asks.

  I’m honest. “I want to talk to him. I want to make sure he’s okay.”

  “Why?”

  Why? Because I care about him. Because I haven’t thought about anything but him since he walked away from me on that Saturday night.