My Own Personal Rockstar

by Kirsty McManus

  “I have to go,” she says abruptly, and hangs up.

  I stare at the phone, not sure how to feel.

  But then it beeps, and a message comes through.

  Can’t wait to see the show tonight!

  Tash.

  A sense of calm washes over me. I’m seeing Tash soon. Beautiful, sweet Tash.

  I’m going to play this next show for her.

  Because we both deserve to be happy.

  TWENTY-ONE

  Tash

  In the end, Felix and I decide to stay in and eat, so Felix orders some Vietnamese rice paper rolls and bao buns to be delivered.

  Just after 9pm, we catch an Uber over to Newtown and the Enmore Theatre. Our names are on a special list, so we’re waved through and led down into a VIP area at the front. I definitely feel like Lady Gaga right now.

  When the venue’s spotlights go down, a row of UV lighting takes over, and Felix whoops in delight.

  “Tash! I love your hair! Lincoln won’t be able to miss you.”

  I smile, pleased. That’s what I’d been hoping for. The hairdresser used a special dye that makes my hair glow under a black light. I hadn’t been completely sure if the venue would be set up accordingly, but I knew it would be worth it if it was.

  A driving beat revs the crowd. I cheer as loudly as everyone else. Maybe louder.

  The band members take their positions, and Lincoln follows them out, strutting over to the microphone stand.

  He glances in our direction, and his face lights up in a delighted smile. He winks before focusing on the opening song.

  I’m entranced the entire show, not even aware of Felix beside me. It’s like I’m in one of those cheesy movie scenes, where it’s just Lincoln and me in the room. And it’s not like he’s even watching me exclusively. Although, I have to admit, every time his eyes wander in my direction, my belly tingles.

  His final song is Sunshine of Your Love by Cream, and his gaze lingers on me for at least half of it.

  The crowd roars with approval when the final notes fade, and the guys don’t keep everyone waiting long before they come out for the encore.

  Once they’ve disappeared for the last time, a security guard approaches us.

  “Will you two come with me, please?” he asks. “I have orders from Mr. Page to take you backstage.”

  Felix laughs. “Orders from Mr. Page, huh? It’s nice to be famous.”

  We follow the guard out the back, to an area bigger than at The Triffid. And this time, I feel the energy buzzing between Lincoln and me immediately. When he sees me, he grabs my hand, dragging me away from everyone else. I glance back at Felix, and he grins, clearly not worried about being abandoned.

  “Where are we going?” I ask Lincoln.

  “Here.” He shoves open a door to a small dressing room and pulls me through. After kicking it closed behind us, he pushes me against the wall, leaning forward and finding my lips with his.

  Oh. My. God.

  It’s almost too much for my brain to comprehend. The sensory overload from the show, and now kissing this guy after wanting him for so long almost makes me black out. But I sink into the moment, finally getting a chance to run my hands through his hair and breathing him in. His mouth is warm and soft, and I want to rip his clothes off on the spot.

  I’ve dreamt about this moment for months. Come to think of it, this fantasy probably started fourteen years ago—although I never thought it would come true. And somehow, the reality is even better than what I conjured in my head. The feeling of his lips, and his hands brushing the sides of my face as he keeps my mouth on his. Lincoln seems to have absorbed all the energy from the crowd, and it’s now swirling between us…adrenaline, power, sex.

  Eventually, we come up for air.

  “Wow,” I say, smoothing down my shirt.

  He laughs. “Yeah. Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. You looked so damn gorgeous tonight. I’m surprised I could remember all the words to my songs.”

  “Ha-ha—really?”

  “There’s something about you, Tash. I can’t get you out of my head. And I know it’s not ideal, considering all the crap I have going on, but I’m so happy you agreed to come see the show tonight.”

  “Me, too.”

  He looks at the door. “I suppose we should go back to Felix. I feel bad for leaving him.”

  “Yeah.” I sneak in one last kiss and stroke his cheek. “You are such a beautiful man.”

  He smiles happily. “I’m glad you think so.”

  We head back out to the main backstage area and find Felix drinking red wine with the band.

  “That was quick,” he jokes when he sees us.

  “Buddy! Be cool, hey?” Lincoln says in a faux-stern voice.

  “Sorry. God, you two are so hot together.”

  I blush, revelling in every moment. If only Lincoln didn’t have all that recent baggage, I would be on cloud nine right now. As it is, I’m still on cloud eight. Eight-point-five, even.

  Beau hands us a beer each, and we join them. I sit and watch while Lincoln breaks down the night’s show with his bandmates. In between, Felix and I chat about our own work.

  Around midnight, Felix looks at his watch. “Are we going to move this party back to my place? There’s plenty of room for everyone to crash if you don’t want to go all the way back to the hotel afterwards.”

  Lincoln raises an eyebrow at me as if to ask whether I’m okay with that.

  “Whatever you guys want to do is fine,” I say.

  “Then let’s go. We have our limo waiting out the back.”

  I almost laugh out loud. “A limo?”

  “Yeah, I know. It’s a bit cliché, but I think Max wanted us to play the part.”

  We head down a side alley where a proper black stretch is waiting for us. Lincoln opens the door for me. I slide in, not sure whether to feel like as much of a cliché as the limo or not.

  There’s champagne inside, and Felix immediately opens it. He seems right at home in this kind of environment. But then I suppose being an in-demand artist would occasionally provide you with experiences like this.

  Lincoln sits next to me and whispers in my ear. “Are you okay? This isn’t freaking you out?”

  “I’m good. Thanks.”

  Felix hands me a glass of bubbly and pours one for himself before passing the bottle around. The other guys forgo glasses and drink straight from the bottle. When it gets to Lincoln, he waves it away. “No, I’m all right for now.”

  I make a mental note of his refusal. I have no idea if he’s had anything else other than the one beer tonight, but I wonder if he’s trying to show me that there’s not going to be a repeat of what happened after the last show.

  Back at the house, Felix pumps up some Empire of the Sun on his expensive sound system and sets us all up with more drinks. Lincoln agrees to have another beer but refuses anything stronger.

  Felix whispers in my ear. “How are you coping, being the only female here?”

  “I didn’t notice until just now, but I think I’ll manage,” I say dryly.

  The other members of the band all go outside to smoke. Whether it’s weed or cigarettes, I have no idea, but neither of them appeal to me. I stay with Felix and Lincoln inside.

  Felix turns to me. “Okay, Tash, since you and I are now practically besties, I think we need to share more of our personal histories. Tell me how you lost your virginity.”

  I snort. “You don’t mess around, do you?”

  “Nope. But if you need a moment to gather your thoughts, I’ll go first.” He doesn’t wait for me to reply before continuing. “So, I was sixteen, and everyone already knew I was gay. Thank God my parents were cool and the people at school who counted were supportive. Anyway, it was the end of the year, and we’d all just finished exams, so we went down to the beach to let loose. It wasn’t far from here, actually.” He smiles wistfully. “Someone suggested Spin the Bottle, and everyone decided we had to play by strict rules, so guys could kiss g
uys and girls could kiss girls. And then Matt Lockheart, the hottest guy in school, spun the bottle and got me. I was expecting him to back out or just give me a kiss on the cheek, but oh my God, it was the hottest thing ever. It turned out Matt was gay, but still in the closet. Until that night. Needless to say, things progressed very quickly.”

  “Aw, that’s sweet,” I say. “Were you together for a while?”

  “For about a year afterwards,” he confirms. “And then his parents decided to move to France, and Matt had to go with them because he wasn’t yet eighteen. We tried to stay in touch, but it was hard. And then he met some fancy French guy and forgot about me.”

  “Still. At least your first was someone you really cared about.”

  “Yours wasn’t?” he asks.

  I suddenly feel self-conscious, knowing Lincoln is listening. I glance at him, and he looks at me thoughtfully.

  Ah, what the hell. “Not exactly. I was seventeen, and I liked this guy who worked at a nearby café. He was older than me and so cool. I basically went broke buying coffee there every day for six months until I worked up the courage to ask him out.”

  “The guy was stupid if he didn’t realise you were interested before that.”

  “I think he did know, but he just wasn’t fussed either way. But for some reason, that made me want him more. Like I had to earn his affection.” I blush at this admission. I don’t usually tell this story, and I certainly would never tell it in front of a guy I’m trying to impress.

  Felix nods. “We’ve all been there.”

  “He agreed to meet me at a restaurant that night since I was too young to get into a bar or nightclub. And then he proceeded to get drunk before dragging me to his car so we could do it in the back seat. He finished. I didn’t. So maybe it only half counts.”

  Felix laughs. “Again, we’ve all been there.”

  I let out a puff of air. “I went for the bad guys for way too long.”

  I check Lincoln’s reaction. He gives me a small, supportive smile.

  “I think I need a little more alcohol in my system before I share my story,” he says. He looks at the red wine in Felix’s hand and goes to take it, but Felix won’t let go. He tries again, but the wine splashes out of the glass and all over Lincoln’s shirt.

  Felix gives him a pointed look. “That’s what you get for trying to steal my wine. You’re lucky you didn’t spill it all over the carpet.”

  “Yeah, okay. Lesson learned.”

  Felix points upstairs. “You can use my shower. And just raid my clothes for something to wear after.”

  “Thanks, buddy.” He stands up and heads for the stairs. “I need a shower anyway. That theatre was hot tonight.”

  I watch him leave and wonder if the whole incident was just an excuse for him to get out of talking about how he lost his virginity. It didn’t sound like he was particularly happy about it.

  “Tash, are you comfortable?” Felix asks. “Do you need to get changed, too?”

  “Oh, I’m fine,” I say.

  “Damn, you were supposed to say yes, so I could ask you to bring me down a shirt as well.” He pulls at the collar of the obviously man-made fibre.

  “All you had to do was say ‘Tash, I’m lazy, can you get me a shirt from upstairs?’” I tease.

  “Tash, I’m lazy, can you get me a shirt from upstairs?” he parrots. “Please?”

  I laugh. “Sure. Any preferences?”

  “Just something breathable. Maybe a white cotton T-shirt.”

  It isn’t until I’m halfway up the stairs that I realise Felix is almost certainly playing matchmaker. I inwardly groan. I’m so clueless.

  I reach the top of the stairs just as Lincoln comes out of Felix’s room holding a shirt and pants. Before he can say anything, I talk first. “Felix sent me to get him a shirt.”

  Lincoln nods, as if I’ve been given a gravely important task. “You can do that. But first…” He takes my hand and pulls me towards the bathroom. He fixes me with a gaze so intense I think I might melt into a puddle on the floor. “Would you like to join me?”

  I don’t trust myself to speak, so I overtake him and lead him into the bathroom.

  He closes the door behind us and slowly pulls my shirt over my head, kissing my neck before unclasping my bra and dropping it to the floor. I pull his wine-soaked shirt off and run my hands across his smooth chest.

  He steps away for a second to get the water in the shower running.

  As steam fills the room, he dims the overhead light and comes back over, planting kisses on my mouth, my earlobes, and my collarbone. He kneels down and unzips my skirt, sliding it over my legs and looking into my eyes the entire time.

  Holy moly.

  This can’t be real.

  TWENTY-TWO

  Lincoln

  I wake up in the morning in Felix’s spare room, with Tash still sleeping beside me. I watch her breathing peacefully, and I feel content. Last night was exactly what I needed—an evening with a woman who I genuinely like as a person.

  I have no idea what happens from here, but I’m not under any delusions that we’re ready to jump into a serious relationship, complete with children involved.

  Also, I have to consider what Tash wants. She might decide that last night was enough for her. And we still don’t know a whole lot about each other. What if we have nothing in common? And even if we do, we’re both building careers right now. That would mean limited time for us to spend together. And that’s not even taking into consideration any legal issues I’ll need to resolve with Rachel and the girls.

  Reality is complicated.

  Tash opens her eyes and smiles. “Hey.”

  “Hey, yourself.”

  She sits up and combs her fingers through her hair. That amazing flame-coloured hair. “How are you feeling?”

  “Good. Better than I have in a long time, actually.”

  She smiles happily as she traces circles on my chest with one of her fingers. “Hey, last night you were hesitant to talk about how you lost your virginity.”

  “Uh, right. Yeah. I guess because the person I lost it to betrayed me so deeply.”

  She frowns. “You don’t mean…”

  I nod grimly. “Rachel was my first.”

  I know what she’s going to ask next, so I beat her to it. “No, you’re not the second. Rachel and I were on and off before the twins came along and I wasn’t exactly a saint in the off times. But if I’m being honest, this is the first time I haven’t thought about how me sleeping with someone will affect my relationship with her.” I look deeply into her eyes. “Thank you.”

  She pulls me into a gentle hug. “No, thank you.”

  We sit there, holding each other for a few minutes. I have never felt so calm.

  Eventually, she loosens her grasp. “I might grab a coffee,” she says. “Do you want one?”

  “In a minute.” I pull her close and start kissing her again. Her skin feels ridiculously soft.

  I’m just making my way down her body, kissing as I go, when my phone buzzes.

  I groan.

  “You should probably get that,” Tash says.

  “Ignore it,” I say, continuing on to her thighs.

  It stops ringing, but then starts again.

  “Just answer it,” she says. She stands up and finds a black slip in her bag that she slides over her body, before sneaking out of the room to give me some privacy.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, Lincoln, it’s Carter.”

  Carter is my lawyer. I told him to call me anytime he had news about Rachel or the girls.

  “Oh, hey. What’s up?”

  “I’ve finally heard from Rachel’s lawyer. She wants half the house.”

  I figure this is what she was talking about when she said to remember how generous she was being. “Okay. What else?”

  “You know we can go for paternity fraud?”

  “Yeah, I do. But I’d rather not drag this out for any longer than we have to. And afte
r the High Court overturned that other case…”

  “That was a long time ago. But at least you won’t have to pay child support. With Rachel admitting she had a DNA test done, she gave up any rights to financial compensation.”

  I rub my face tiredly. “Look, just tell her I’ll put the house on the market after I’ve finished my tour and I won’t sue for paternity fraud, but she has to be reasonable. I want to be able to see the girls, so if that means providing money for some of their expenses, I’ll deal with it.”

  “Are you sure? We can ask for visitation rights without paying for them.”

  “Please just find the easiest and quickest way to resolve it all.”

  “Okay. Sorry to bother you on the weekend. I’ll be in touch next week.”

  “Thanks, Carter. I’m on the road until around the tenth of October, but I’m usually available during the day.”

  “No problem.”

  I hang up and go to the kitchen, trying to keep my mood upbeat.

  “Everything okay?” Tash asks.

  “Uh, I just have some stuff to sort out when I’m back in Brisbane.”

  “Anything we can do to help?” Felix asks.

  “Nah. But thanks.”

  Felix pours me a coffee. I take it, lost in thought. A legal conversation about my ex was the last thing I felt like this morning.

  Felix heads off to shower, leaving me alone with Tash. I have no idea where the other guys have gone.

  Tash takes a deep breath. “Hey, I just want to say, I don’t expect anything from you because of what happened last night.”

  I give her a measured look. “Okaaayyy…”

  “It’s just…I don’t know. I’m not sure what you want, and with our careers and everything else…”

  “Are you breaking up with me?” I ask lightly.

  “No! Of course not!” she pauses. “I didn’t even realise…”

  I laugh. “Relax. I don’t have any expectations about you or this.” I point my fingers between the two of us. “I know I really like you, but I’m also pretty messed up at the moment, and I don’t want to inadvertently cause you any pain.”