My Own Personal Rockstar

by Kirsty McManus

  “Hey.” I’m not going to give him anything until he makes the first move.

  “You look great,” he says.

  I self-consciously smooth down my hair, which is now starting to fade. I’ve decided to lay off the fluorescent hair colour for the rest of my pregnancy. I know the science isn’t conclusive regarding any possible effects it may have on the baby, but I figure my head can use a break anyway.

  “Thanks,” I say neutrally.

  He briefly looks at my belly, which is still flat. I know with Daisy I didn’t really start to show until around four or five months, and then I suddenly looked like I had a basketball under my clothes.

  “How are you feeling?” he asks. He makes no attempt to come inside, and I can’t tell if that’s a good or bad thing.

  “I’m okay. Feeling a little nauseated, but mostly okay.” I point to the front door. “Do you want to come in?”

  “Only if that’s all right with you?”

  “Sure.”

  I head inside, letting him follow. I don’t offer any information from my end. He needs to do some talking first.

  I head to the kitchen and heat up some water to make myself a cup of tea. “Do you want anything?” I ask.

  “No, thanks.”

  He doesn’t look like he knows whether to sit down or hover, so he leans against the kitchen counter while I prepare a teabag in a cup.

  We briefly make eye contact, and he smiles weakly. “I don’t even know where to start.”

  “At the beginning?”

  “You’re right. Okay, so I wanted to give you that space you asked for, but it was just so damn hard. I picked up my phone a dozen times a day to call you, but I thought if you asked me to leave you alone, it was for a reason. And I appreciate why you did. It gave me some time to sort out stuff, too.”

  “You mean mentally?”

  “Well, yeah, but also in a practical sense. I flew to the UK after you told me the news.”

  My stomach drops. I gave him too much space, and now he’s worked things out with Rachel and he’s here to tell me he’s not interested in seeing our child.

  He sees my expression and looks appalled. “Wait, no. This is all good. Please let me explain.”

  My breathing slows a little.

  “I went over there because I needed to see the girls and make sure they were okay. I wasn’t able to do that before, because I was under contract for the tour. But oh God, Tash, it was next to impossible to see them again, and then leave.”

  “How was Rachel?” I ask casually.

  “Not easy to deal with, I have to say. But she did seem happier than when we were together. I don’t think I ever realised how much she missed her family. Over the years, she mentioned wanting to visit them more often, but we never really had the money. I was hoping that if I won Sing to Me, I could pay for a big extended trip for us all to go. As it was, she’d secretly been hiding money away without telling me, which is how she was able to afford it when she took the girls. But after seeing her again, I realised I was never really happy. I loved the idea of us, but the reality was hard. We had nothing in common—at least not in recent years—and she was too good at keeping secrets.”

  I finish making my tea and take a sip. I stay quiet, letting him finish what he needs to say.

  “But you know, whenever I think of you, I feel calm and happy. And I have never once doubted your sincerity. I know the day you told me about the pregnancy, I asked you to confirm whether the baby was mine, but I wasn’t really asking because I was worried you were lying. I just needed to hear it a few times to let it sink in.”

  My heart softens a little. “I know this must be really difficult on you, but just so you know, I don’t expect anything. I’ll cope if you decide this isn’t something you want to be part of.”

  He comes over to my side of the counter and grabs my hands. “I do want to be part of this. I know it’s insanely soon, but I want us to make this work. I really want to be around for this baby. And for you.”

  My stomach fills with butterflies. “You do?”

  “Yes! I’m not a casual hookup kind of guy. When I invited you to Sydney, it was because I wanted to get to know you better. And while I was only just getting over Rachel, it never once impacted how I felt about you.”

  “But bringing a baby into this…”

  “I know. It’s going to be hard. We won’t have that long to get to know each other properly before he or she arrives, but we’ll just deal with the situation we have.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes! Oh, but first, I need to tell you something that happened in London.”

  The butterflies scatter. I feel like I’m getting emotional whiplash the way my mood is flying back and forth. My first instinct is to think that even though he just said he’s not a casual hookup kind of guy, he’s about to admit he got drunk one night and slept with some random woman over there.

  “What happened in London?”

  “I convinced Rachel to let me bring the girls back to Australia for a few weeks several times a year. And once they start school, it will be most holidays.”

  He looks at me guardedly, waiting for my reaction.

  “Oh! Wow! That’s amazing news!”

  He smiles the first genuinely happy smile I have seen from him in ages.

  “You’re okay with that?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “I don’t know. Because it makes things even crazier?”

  “Lincoln. These are your girls, whether biologically or not. For you to be able to see them again in a meaningful way is fantastic.”

  He pulls me in and wraps his arms tightly around me. “Damn, Tash. I think you are quite possibly the perfect woman.”

  “I wouldn’t go that far.” I laugh. “But if you insist, I’ll take it.”

  He cups my chin with his hands and gently kisses me. “I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us. It’s going to be a wild ride. But I’m ready.”

  “I feel exactly the same way.”

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  Lincoln

  To say I’m overwhelmed is an understatement.

  In the space of a few months, I have lost the woman I thought I would spend my life with, discovered my twin daughters aren’t biologically mine, met an incredible woman who made me realise the true meaning of a decent human being and almost lost her because I was too wrapped up in my own crap to properly consider what she was going through.

  But now we’re expecting a child together, and I’ve gone from being on my own to suddenly having the twins back in my life, as well as Tash and Daisy.

  Not to mention Tash’s friend Millicent and her son Ryder, who I didn’t quite appreciate how deeply embedded in Tash’s life they were until now.

  But I’m starting to adjust.

  I think the twins must have worn Rachel down because she’s agreed to let me chat with them via Skype a few times a week. I’m not sure she would have voluntarily made that decision, but she’s finally allowed it. And she seemed to feel sorry for me and went back to only wanting half the proceeds from the sale of our house. I think she realised that when I found out she was taking advantage of another man’s finances, I could possibly use that against her if we were to go to court.

  Still, there’s a long way to go on this journey. It’s going to be a few more days before Tash can get the paternity test done, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t freaking out about it. I do trust Tash, but I trusted Rachel, too, and I hate myself for not being able to shut off the tiny part of my brain that is questioning the outcome.

  Not that Tash has any idea about that. I know expressing my doubts aloud would only make things more complicated. I’m just going to have to suck it up for a bit longer.

  And today, I’m proving my commitment by going with Tash to visit her parents. She wants to break the pregnancy news in person, so I offered to accompany her. And while Daisy already knows what’s going on, we’re leaving her with Millicent for the
day. Tash is worried her parents might not react favourably to the news, especially since I haven’t met them yet.

  I arrive out the front of Tash’s house. I’m just about to go and knock on the door when she appears. She turns and says something over her shoulder, presumably to Daisy or Millicent before joining me in the car.

  “You look beautiful,” I say, kissing her on the cheek.

  She smiles shyly. “I feel like a whale already.”

  “I don’t know how you can say that. You look the same as always to me. Which is absolutely perfect.”

  We drive in the direction of Eight Mile Plains, where Tash’s parents live. Apparently, they’ve been in the same house since before Tash was born.

  “How are you feeling otherwise? You mentioned a little nausea a while back.”

  “Thankfully, that’s subsided. I remember with Daisy, I only had it right at the beginning, so fingers crossed it stays away.”

  “I remember with Rachel, she had it really bad…” I trail off, wondering if it’s appropriate to mention my ex’s pregnancy.

  Tash notices my hesitation. “Hey, it’s okay. Please feel free to talk about Rachel whenever you need to. I’m actually glad you have experience with kids. You know what you’re letting yourself in for.”

  I laugh. “I love kids. To me, any of the craziness is offset by all the fun you can have. And just so you know, I did my fair share of getting up during the night, so I’m not completely delusional.”

  She raises an eyebrow. “Well, we’ll have to wait and see if you feel the same way once this one comes along.”

  We hit a bit of traffic, but the time goes quickly. Despite the seriousness of what we’re facing, I’m happy to just be hanging out with this gorgeous woman. Before I knew she was pregnant, I was excited at the opportunity to have a proper relationship with her. That hasn’t changed. Well, obviously there’s a little more pressure to make it work, but I’ve never shied away from a challenge.

  We arrive in a suburban street, and Tash directs me to a single-story red-brick house.

  I get out of the car and go over to Tash’s side to open her door and help her out. She giggles. “Such a gentleman.”

  She squeezes my arm, and I can see a trace of apprehension in her eyes. “Are you ready for this?” she asks.

  “Yep. Are you?”

  She lets out a puff of air. “I think so.”

  We walk hand-in-hand from the driveway to the door. Tash knocks before trying the handle and finding it unlocked. I follow her inside.

  “Hello?” she calls out.

  “In here,” a woman’s voice responds from somewhere out the back.

  We head down the hall and come out in a bright kitchen overlooking the yard. A woman who looks a lot like Tash—minus the colourful hair—is pouring water into a jug, and an older man, presumably Tash’s dad, is retrieving glasses from the cupboard.

  Tash’s mum places the jug on the counter and comes over to give her a hug. “Darling! It’s good to see you.”

  “You, too, Mum.”

  Her mum steps away and appraises me. “You look familiar. Where do I know you from?”

  Tash laughs. “Don’t tell me you watch Sing to Me as well.”

  Her eyes widen. “Lincoln Page?”

  “The one and only,” I say, grinning.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “We’re dating, Mum,” Tash says awkwardly.

  “Oh. Wow.” She looks around. “And where’s Daisy?”

  “She’s having a playdate with Ryder. You know what those two are like. I couldn’t drag her away,” Tash fibs.

  “Well, then.” Her mum comes over and gives me a hug, as well. “It’s lovely to meet you, Lincoln. I’m Keiko. And this is Tash’s father, Dennis.”

  “It’s great to meet you both, too,” I say, suddenly aware that this is probably the politest they’ll be today. I can’t imagine many parents responding with delight at the news their daughter is pregnant to a guy they just met.

  Dennis shakes my hand and ushers us outside to a covered patio area. Keiko pours us water and focuses on me. “I really enjoyed your performances on TV.”

  “Thank you.”

  “If memory serves me correctly, didn’t you have a wife and two daughters?”

  “Uh, we weren’t married, but yes, I did have a partner.” I still struggle to say all this out loud, but I know I have to. “She moved to England with the girls, who, it turns out, weren’t mine.”

  Keiko and Dennis exchange a look I can’t read.

  “Lincoln is still present in their lives,” Tash adds. “They’ll be coming back during school holidays, and he will visit them over there occasionally.”

  “I’m very sorry to hear you’ve experienced such a difficult situation,” Keiko says. “This all couldn’t have happened very long ago. Sing to Me only finished in April.”

  “That’s right. It was just after I left the show.”

  “And you feel ready to enter into another relationship?”

  I glance at Tash. She looks as if she’d hoped there’d be more time before breaking the news, but I can see the resignation on her face.

  “Yes, I believe so. I care very deeply about your daughter.”

  Tash wrings her hands together. “Mum, Dad, I was going to wait for a bit to tell you, but since we’re already sort of talking about it, I have some news.”

  “Don’t tell me you’re pregnant,” Keiko says jokingly.

  Tash looks at her unwaveringly. “I am.”

  Keiko’s eyes widen. “No! Really?”

  I sneak a glance at Dennis. He’s looking at me with narrowed eyes.

  “It was unplanned, but I’m taking full responsibility,” I say.

  “I can’t believe you’re pregnant,” Keiko says, dazed.

  “I know it’s a lot to take in, Mum, but I wanted you and Dad to know as soon as possible. Lincoln and I are going to make this work.”

  “Do you plan on marrying my daughter?” Keiko demands.

  “Mum! We’ve only just started dating,” Tash answers for me. “We’re not going to rush into marriage.”

  “But what’s going to stop him from skipping out like that other waste of space you were involved with?”

  “I am not going to skip out,” I assure Keiko.

  Dennis hadn’t talked until now, but he suddenly pipes up. “Lincoln, why don’t you and I go get lunch started while the girls talk?”

  “Sure.”

  I follow Dennis inside and watch as he gets out a breadboard and a knife. I almost make a joke about not having sharp objects nearby right now, but I decide I don’t know him well enough yet.

  He hands me a baguette, which I start cutting up while he gets some cheese, tomatoes, and cucumbers from the fridge.

  “I assume you know the full story of what happened with Daisy’s father?” he says.

  “Actually, Tash hasn’t told me the details. Just that he left before she was born.”

  “Yeah, well, there was a bit more to it than that.”

  I put the knife down and look at him. “What happened?”

  “Brad was the kind of guy who only looked out for himself. He treated my daughter like a trophy and wore her down until she lost all her spark. To be honest, I was glad when he left, because it was the first time I got to see some of Tash’s fire again.”

  “I’m so sorry.” It makes me sad to think about Tash suffering in any way.

  “He had an oversized ego and was always bragging to me about how he was on the verge of some massive paycheck. The problem was, nothing ever eventuated, and in the meantime, he was sponging off my daughter. She supported him financially throughout their entire relationship.”

  “And you think I’m going to be the same.”

  “The music business isn’t exactly known for its reliable pay.”

  “Actually, I just came off a national tour, which gave me a fairly decent salary. I also play regular gigs, and when things are slow, I work as a baris
ta. I do whatever I have to do. I’m not fussy.”

  Dennis nods thoughtfully. “That’s good to hear. What about your parents? What do they think of your career choice?”

  “They’re not fans,” I say flatly.

  “You’re not close?” he asks.

  “You could say that.” The last thing I thought I’d be doing is confiding in my girlfriend’s father about my parents’ total absence in my life.

  “You want to talk about it?”

  “Let’s just say they like their alcohol.”

  “It sounds like you’ve had to deal with a lot in your life, too.”

  Tell me about it. And if your daughter’s child doesn’t turn out to be mine, I may not recover.

  “What can you do?” I say, shrugging.

  Dennis finishes compiling the sandwiches and hands me the tray.

  “Just keep on doing what you’re doing,” he says.

  I half smile. I’ll take that to mean I’m on my way to getting the guy’s tick of approval.

  ***

  Later in the car, thoughts are swirling around in my brain. While the rest of the afternoon went smoothly, the fact that Keiko asked if I was prepared to marry Tash freaked me out a little. I haven’t even told her I love her yet. It’s so early and there’s so much up in the air, I can’t make sense of my feelings.

  I definitely didn’t lie when I said I cared deeply about her, but love is such a strong word, and the last person I loved completely crushed me.

  “How are you feeling?” Tash asks.

  “It’s a lot,” I say honestly.

  “I know. But we knew that going in. You were amazing today. Thank you for coming.”

  “No problem.”

  “Is there anything you want to talk about?” she asks.

  “I don’t think so. I just need to work through a few things in my head.”

  “Well, if you change your mind, I’m here.”

  “Thank you.” And then I feel terrible. Tash is likely going through the same thing as me. Maybe worse.

  When we get back to her place, she turns to me hopefully. “You want to come in for a bit?”

  “Actually, I might go home. The girls will be calling on Skype soon and I don’t want to miss them.”

  She nods, but I can tell she’s a little disappointed. I just can’t summon the energy right now to be the guy she needs.