Beautifully Broken Spirit

by Catherine Cowles

  She shrugged. “You asked. Have a seat.” She inclined her head to the rocker next to her.

  I sat and began to rock, letting the cold night air soothe me.

  “Want to tell me why you’ve been crying?” Grandma kept staring straight ahead, still rocking.

  Of course, she would know I’d been crying. Grams would likely say it was because she was psychic, but I knew it was because she had such strong empathy for those she loved. I let out a long breath. “I did something stupid again.”

  Her rocking stopped. “You stop talking about my granddaughter like that or I’ll take you over my knee.” My brows rose. “I’ve held my tongue, but I can see now that was a mistake. None of what has happened around here recently is your fault. Just like falling for the wrong guy in college wasn’t your fault. Is Noah a mistake?”

  “No. Never.”

  Grandma started rocking again. “Of course, he’s not. Jensen, awful things happen—betrayal, death. Our world is full of it, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be some good that comes from it. Always look for the good, baby girl. Noah is that good. Taylor and Walker finding each other is that good.”

  “I think I’m in love with Tuck.” The words just tumbled out of me as if they had a mind of their own.

  Grandma kept right on rocking. “Of course, you are.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You and Tucker have loved each other since before you knew what that meant.”

  My hands gripped the arms of the rocker. “Tuck is not in love with me.”

  My grandma stilled and turned to face me. “Of course, he is. But it terrifies him, and he doesn’t know what to do with it.”

  Something that felt a lot like hope flared to life in my chest. I shoved it down. “He cares about me. Maybe even loves me in his own way. But I don’t think he’ll ever want to commit to a single woman for the rest of his life.” I stared out at the starry night sky. “If I let him all the way in…I’m not sure I’ll recover when he leaves.”

  Grams reached over and patted my hand. “Love is always a risk. There’s no way around it. He’ll hurt you. You’ll hurt him. One of you might lose the other. But it will also be so beautiful, the light of it so bright, it’ll outshine all of the dark.”

  Tears pricked at my eyes. A longing burned deep in my chest. “I want that.” It was the first time I’d been able to truly admit that to myself since Cody had smashed my heart to smithereens. Bryce had seemed like a safe choice at the time, but he’d never made my heart take flight, my blood sing, my soul feel at peace. There was only one man who did that.

  Grams smiled, the tip of her lips barely visible in the low light. “You’re going to have to hold on tight to that one because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.” Her gaze bore into mine. “But I promise you, it’ll be worth it.”

  I just had to hold on.

  33

  Tuck

  I groaned as my doorbell rang for a second time. I glanced at my phone. I had thirty minutes before my alarm was due to sound. Seeing as I’d tossed and turned for hours last night, I needed those extra thirty minutes. The bell rang again.

  “Fuck.” I pushed out of bed, grabbing my tee from the floor and tightening the drawstring on my sweats. “I’m coming. Hold your horses.”

  I pulled open the door, a scowl firmly in place, expecting to find Walker. Instead, I was greeted by my mother. Her hair was pulled back into a lifeless ponytail, and dark circles shone under her eyes. She was usually the picture of casually put-together, but today, she wore workout pants and a worn hoodie. “Can I come in?”

  I swallowed down the riot of emotions ranging from anger to grief. “Of course.” I motioned for her to enter. My mom’s steps faltered as she caught sight of the hole in the wall, but she said nothing. “Do you mind if we move this to the kitchen? I’m in desperate need of coffee.”

  “Of course.” She headed in that direction. “Do you have any tea?”

  I grinned down at the floor. “Do you think Jensen would let me live anywhere that didn’t have a stockpile even though she knows I hate the stuff?”

  A gentle smile pulled at my mother’s mouth. “Of course, she wouldn’t.”

  I pointed to one of the drawers. “It’s in there. And there’s a kettle above the stove.” I was struck in that moment by how different it was for my mom to be in the space. Jensen knew where everything was, yet my own mother needed to be directed.

  We both set to work silently—me with the coffee maker, her at the stove. It was as if we both needed a moment to ground ourselves in the everyday normality of simple tasks before taking on the elephant in the room.

  “Do you have any honey?” my mom asked.

  “In the pantry.” I grabbed two mugs from the cabinet, setting one by the stove and taking the other with me to the coffee pot.

  Silence continued to reign. But soon, both of our beverages of choice were complete, and we were taking our seats at the kitchen table. I had to tell her. With the scene last night, it was only a matter of time before she heard all the details. And soon, I was sure more stories would come to light. Uglier ones.

  I took a deep breath. “He cheats on you, Mom. He’s been doing it since I was a kid.”

  She met my gaze, nothing but defeat in her own. “I know.”

  My body jerked. “You know?”

  She stared down into her tea, the silence in the room screaming as loudly as a siren. “I’ve always known.” Her breath hitched. “I tried to fix things, to get him to go to therapy. None of it helped. And, somewhere along the way, I just accepted things for the way they were. The way they are.”

  Temper licked at my skin. “Do you have any idea how much guilt I’ve been carrying around, keeping his secret? Since I was eight years old and walked in on him with some woman in the barn.” Mom’s head snapped up. “The shit he filled my head with. How horrible I felt for keeping it from you. Should I tell you? Would it do any good? Would you blame me for hurting you?”

  “Oh, honey, no.” My mom reached across the table to grab my hand, but I pulled it out of her reach. Her fingers curled in on air as she took her hand back. “I’ve made a mess of everything.”

  Tears filled her eyes. “I know you think I’m weak, putting up with his drinking and now this.” I started to speak, but my mom held up a hand to stop me. “And I understand why. I thought I was doing the right thing. Doing my best to keep my family together.” Her voice cracked, and my heart broke right along with it. “And now I’ve lost you both.”

  I couldn’t quite bring myself to reach out and take her hand, but I couldn’t leave her alone in this either. “Mom, you haven’t lost me.”

  She lifted her eyes to meet mine. “Haven’t I?”

  I sat back in my chair, my back teeth grinding together. “I just can’t be around him anymore. If last night proves anything, it’s that. I have to let you two do what you think is best for whatever marriage you have. I’ll do everything I can to keep a relationship with you, but I won’t be coming to the ranch anymore.”

  “I kicked him out.”

  My mouth opened and closed, but no words came out. Never in my life had my mom sent my dad packing. “You kicked him out? Can you even do that?”

  One corner of Mom’s mouth quirked up. “Your grandfather must have seen through Craig’s doting son-in-law act more than I’d guessed because he didn’t leave the ranch to me in his will. He left it to you. I’m just the caretaker until your fortieth birthday.”

  This time, my jaw simply fell open. Pieces clicked into place. My grandfather had died five years ago, and it was right around then that my dad’s asshole behavior kicked up another degree. “Mom, that’s not what I want. I’ll sign it back over to you.”

  She shook her head. “The will protected us and the ranch really. Your dad was always more interested in the ranch than me. Sure, he loved me, in that puppy-love kind of way when you’re young and naïve. But the ranch, that was always his true love. It’s why he took my last name ins
tead of vice versa. He said it was to keep the Harris history alive. But I think it was more about having the prestige the name carries around here.”

  My mom took a sip of her tea. “You should’ve seen how pissed he was when he found out about Dad’s will. I’m sure that’s part of why he’s been so hard on you. To him, you walked away from the thing he wanted more than anything when you took a job with the Forest Service.”

  My jaw clenched. “I love the ranch. Grandpa knew that. I just couldn’t live my life under Dad’s thumb. I knew that from the time I was thirteen. I had to go my own way.”

  Mom nodded. “I know that. And I haven’t told you enough, I’m so proud of you. Of what you do. Of the man you are.”

  There was a burning in my chest. “Mom, why didn’t you tell me any of this was going on?”

  Her shoulders slumped. “I was hoping I could fix it all. That, somehow, I could make us a family again. The way it was in the beginning.”

  I kept my tone gentle but firm because she needed to truly hear my next words. “For that to happen, he’d have to want to be a part of our family. And he doesn’t.”

  A single tear spilled over. “I see that now. Walker didn’t share much about what happened last night, but your father spilled some, and I’ve had friends call this morning to share the rest.” She straightened her shoulders. “I have an appointment with a lawyer in an hour. I’m going to file for divorce.”

  My chest seized. I’d wanted her to take that step for so long, but now it felt wrong. Like I had forced it somehow. “You don’t have to do that for me.”

  She nodded, wiping under her eye. “I’m doing it for all of us.”

  I reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “I hope this is the first step to you finding some happy.”

  My mom gave me a watery smile. “I think it will be.” She squeezed my hand and then released it. “Speaking of happy… Walker mentioned when he dropped off your father last night that Jensen was over here taking care of you.”

  That familiar mask slipped into place. “We’re friends, Mom.”

  She took another sip of tea. “Friendship is the best foundation for a relationship.”

  It was as if someone were slowly impaling me with a hot poker. I wanted it so badly, this thing that seemed almost within my reach, but I was so damn terrified that I’d fuck it all up the same way my father had. But maybe, just maybe, there was hope for us yet.

  34

  Jensen

  The sun shone down, and I tipped up my face so I could soak up the rays. The flash of mild temperatures had held, and I was going to appreciate every moment of it.

  A small muzzle sniffed at my shoulder. I smiled but didn’t turn my head. “Hey there, Ember.” I kept my voice low and stayed seated on the bucket I’d flipped over in the small paddock area she had at the equine center.

  Life wasn’t getting any simpler. Cody’s threats still hung over my head, I had no idea whether or not this thing with Tuck was going to blow up in my face, and no one had figured out who was going after the wild mustangs. But I was doing what Grams had advised. I was holding onto the good.

  And a big part of that was time with my horses. Ember edged just a bit closer, taking another sniff. The fracture in her leg wasn’t as bad as we’d first thought, and I hoped to take her home and introduce her to Phoenix soon. I had a feeling Phee would be happy to play surrogate mama to this sweet foal.

  While Ember had gotten used to having people around, she didn’t fully trust anyone yet. I’d give her all the time in the world. Thankfully, I had more time now that I had Kennedy at the Kettle. She hadn’t mastered the baking aspect of the job yet, but it still gave me a couple of hours in the middle of each day to visit Ember and my herd at the ranch.

  Ember took another step. If I reached out, I’d be able to stroke her side. I resisted the urge. Something told me this relationship had to come on her terms. I dipped my head, trying to send the message that I was deferring to her.

  Ember sniffed at my hair and began to gum at it with her lips. Not biting, not nuzzling, maybe just trying to figure out who or what the heck I was. I couldn’t hold in the soft laugh or the huge smile.

  I slowly raised my head, meeting her curious gaze. “That can’t taste very good.” Slowly, so very slowly, I raised my hand to her cheek. Ember let me stroke her soft face twice before she backed away. I let her go.

  She eyed me as though waiting for my anger at her retreat. I gave her nothing but my wide smile and the freedom to go. Her muscles eased, and she began nibbling at the hay on the ground.

  “She’s better with you than anyone else. You really do have a way with them, Jensen.”

  I turned at the sound of Dr. Neill’s voice. “They have a way with me, too.”

  It was true. During the time I’d been working myself to the bone, too proud to ask for help, I’d sacrificed time with my horses. But having it again, I was reminded of how right my instincts could be. I just had to tap into that other sense, that deeper gut view of the world. And, slowly, I was starting to trust it again.

  Dr. Neill brushed the hair from her face. “I think she’ll be ready to go home with you in just a few weeks now.”

  I stood and ducked between the paddock rails, careful to keep my movements slow. “That’s great news. I think it will really help her. I think being with Phoenix might help, too.”

  Dr. Neill watched Ember munch on more hay. “You might be right. She’s healing well, but she needs companionship.”

  My chest tightened at the thought of all Ember had lost. “Phee knows what it’s like to lose a family in a traumatic way. I think they might just be kindred spirits, those two.”

  Dr. Neill smiled. “Let’s hope you’re right. I’ve got to make my rounds, but call if you need anything.”

  “I will.” I reached out and shook her hand. Turning back towards Ember, I leaned on the fence rail. “I’ve got to go, pretty girl, but I’ll be back soon. Before you know it, you’ll be home for good.”

  Ember raised her head at the sound of my voice, seeming to assess what I had said. She didn’t appear convinced. That was all right. We had all the time in the world.

  I wound my way through the paddocks and stalls, comforted by the familiar sounds and smells of the horses. A bird called overhead as I crossed the parking lot towards my SUV. My thoughts drifted to Tuck, as they did so often lately. Sometimes, it was just a flash of those Arctic blues in my mind’s eye. Other times, it was a memory of something funny he’d said. Something sweet he’d done for Noah.

  And if I were really lucky, it was a phantom feeling. As if his teeth were grazing my ear. His tongue trailing down my neck. His lips closing around my—the bird called from above again, and I realized I was about to walk smack into a parked car that wasn’t mine.

  Get ahold of yourself, Jensen. I straightened my path, shaking my head. I beeped the locks to my SUV as I approached and paused to grab a flyer shoved under one of the windshield wipers. I pulled open my door as I unfolded the paper.

  I froze, my blood turning to ice.

  Stop saving them, or you’re next.

  Drawn next to the messily scrawled text was a rifle scope target.

  I jerked around, my gaze jumping from vehicle to vehicle, but there was no one paying me any attention. A handful of people headed to or from cars, staff members and horse owners dotted the rows of outdoor paddocks and fields, but not a single person looked in my direction.

  I shakily slid into the driver’s seat, closing the door behind me and pulling out my phone. I hit the most recent contact.

  “What’re you wearing, Wilder?”

  “Tuck?” I hated that my voice trembled on the single word.

  All playful amusement left Tuck’s tone. “What’s wrong? Where are you?”

  I swallowed against the emotion in my throat. “I’m at the equine center visiting Ember. And someone left a note on my car. A threat.”

  “I’ll be there in twenty. I want you to go inside
and sit in the office. Tell them what happened. I don’t want you alone. Have you called Walker?”

  My eyes scanned the parking lot before I pushed open the door and got out. “No. I called you first.”

  “I’m gonna call him as soon as I hang up with you. It’ll be a toss-up who gets there first.”

  I nodded and then realized that he couldn’t see me. “Okay.” I jolted a bit as something hit me. “Tell him to check my horses before he comes out here. Tuck, what if something happened to the herd? Oh, God. Ember.” I lost all fear for myself as I realized whoever had left the note might be on the equine center grounds. I started to run for the facility.

  My hand shook as I took a sip of water from the cup Dr. Neill had given me. But it was no longer from fear. It was from anger. Ember was fine, my horses at home were okay. Extra bodies were keeping an eye out now. But some asshole had threatened me and the creatures that held such a large piece of my heart. My blood was boiling.

  “Wilder.” The voice cut through the equine center’s office like a whip.

  I stood, water sloshing out of my cup and onto my hand. I set it down on the counter just as Tuck pulled me into his arms.

  “Are you okay?” The words were a roughened whisper against my hair.

  I nodded. “I was freaked. Now, I’m just pissed.”

  Tuck pulled back, his hands going to my arms, his gaze tracking over my face. “Did you see anyone?”

  I blew out a breath. “No.” My gaze tracked out to the parking lot. “I looked around as soon as I read the note. There were plenty of people, but no one seemed especially interested in me.”

  That muscle in Tuck’s cheek ticked. “Where’s the note?”

  I inclined my head towards the counter. “No one’s touched it but me.”

  Tuck released me and turned, bending over the counter to study the note. His body tightened as he read it, and when he straightened, the movement was stiff and stilted. “Wilder.”