Bill of the Dead (Book 2): Everyday Horrors

by Gualtieri, Rick

  “Piss me off by sheer virtue of his stupid existence?”

  “More or less.”

  “Now augmented by Icon abilities, which I’m sure he’s using in a less than intelligent manner.”

  “I’ll ... plead the fifth.”

  “Color me not surprised, but I should still be okay. Like I said, I think I’m beginning to understand what happened.”

  “Care to enlighten me?”

  “Gladly.” She indicated we keep moving, which was probably better than standing there being rained on. “That Stewart guy triggered me, but I don’t think it was really him. More like he just happened to be sweating in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

  “Go on.”

  “I was ... not in a good frame of mind this morning. I’d been up all night, pacing back and forth, wondering what that little bitch had done to me.”

  “Gan?”

  “You know any other little bitches?”

  I kept my mouth shut on that one and simply shook my head.

  “I’m not going to lie, Bill. I’m scared. I mean look at me... Not like that, jackass! Think about it for a change. It’s like I was granted everything I wanted. But there’s a catch to that wish.”

  “I one hundred percent understand. This one time in Dave’s game I wished for my bard to be the hottest act in the land, and ended up being burnt at the stake instead, after I...” I paused as I realized she was staring at me with one eyebrow raised, and not in a kindly way. “I meant, please continue.”

  “Fucking nerd.” She rolled her eyes and let out a pained sigh. “Anyway, back when I was a vampire, I knew what those catches were – bloodlust, compulsion, Colin.” She chuckled at that last one. “Now, though, I don’t even have the benefit of knowing. I have to figure this shit out from scratch.”

  I stepped in and put a comforting arm around her, which she allowed ... for about three seconds.

  “Okay, that’s enough. No free feels.”

  I quickly moved out of her reach. “Let me guess. Planning on notifying your former clientele to keep their wallets handy?”

  “See? This is what I mean by having a handle on things. You’ll notice you’re still in one piece.”

  Oh yeah. I’d forgotten about things for a moment – shooting off my mouth while completely ignoring the fact that it was potentially throwing a lit match into a pool of rocket fuel. “Good point.”

  “That’s what I mean. Same with the meathead. You might both annoy the shit out of me, but you’re known quantities.”

  “And Stewart wasn’t?”

  “As I said, wrong place wrong time. I realize now he caught me at a low point. It wasn’t even about some stupid board game. It was...”

  “The straw that broke the camel’s back?”

  “More or less, although call me a camel again and I’ll reconsider my stance on you two.”

  “Point taken.”

  “The thing is, I know he was just trying to be friendly, but he caught me at a moment when all I wanted to do was lash out. And the thing is, I’m sure a part of me knew that. It’s like, even as I was telling him to go away, I was silently screaming at the heavens – in a sense killing him with my mind, just because I needed to do it to someone. It just so happened that it wasn’t only in my head.”

  “That’s ... kind of terrifying.”

  “You’re telling me.”

  “But understanding it...”

  “Is the first step to controlling it, I know. I just hope I’m right.”

  “Even if you’re not,” I replied, “I’m sure you’re close. You have this nasty tendency to be right more than you’re wrong.”

  “I do, don’t I?” she said with a grin. “I still need to know for sure, though - find some way to test it without hurting anyone. And then there’s that ambient magic thing. No offense to the tyke, but I may have to miss her next birthday party.”

  “Send her a card with a lot of money in it. I find that works like a charm when it comes to kids.”

  “I guess some part of her has to take after her father,” Sally remarked before turning back to the subject at hand. “The other problem is whether this new body of mine has any more surprises awaiting me.”

  I nodded. “If we can figure out what did this to you, we might have a better chance of answering that.”

  “Yep, but right now it seems our new wizard friend holds all the cards in that game. Can’t say I’m all too comfortable putting my faith in a stranger.”

  This time it was my turn to grin. “He might not have all the cards.”

  “Sounded that way to me.”

  “Let’s just say I might have an ace up my sleeve.”

  “Oh? Do tell.”

  “Not yet. I need to see if it pans out first. Just give me a few hours to test whether I’m on to something or just spinning my wheels.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  We arrived back at my place to find no sign of Tom, Kara, or our resident blob for that matter. I can’t say that bothered me much. It potentially gave me the time I needed to work on my little research project, without having to worry about being asked to go on a tampon run.

  “I see all’s quiet on the stupid front.”

  “Yeah, I guess they went out.”

  “They?”

  I explained to her how Kara had paid us a visit.

  “Oh. How’d she take the news that her brother was alive and her boyfriend is Gan’s new plaything?”

  “A bit better on the first front than on the second.”

  “Not surprising.”

  “Yeah. I’m hoping Tom’s able to keep her distracted for now. The last thing we need is her panicking and filing a missing persons report.”

  “Where do you think they went?”

  “No idea,” I replied, stepping into my bedroom to retrieve my laptop. “Maybe she took him out for his first mani-pedi.”

  She let out a laugh. “I would’ve liked to have gotten video of that.”

  “Future blackmail?”

  “You know it.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The thing I’ve always loved about programming is getting into the “zone” – that perfect mental harmony where the problems of the world seem to fade away and all that remains is the logic of the code. I mean sure, there was the madness of debugging and trying to find a missing semicolon in a ten-thousand line rat maze of nested subroutines, but that simply added to the challenge.

  Mind you, the project I was working on was less about coding something new and more about hitting a particular problem from multiple angles. But the same rules applied. Either way, a few hours passed – me working, while Sally busied herself with watching TV and complaining about how much my apartment sucked.

  In fact, the entire day might’ve passed without incident had not the door to Glen’s room finally opened and he came slithering out, blinking about half a dozen eyeballs our way.

  Fortunately, I’d brought Sally up to speed on my newest roommate, which resulted in her barely raising an eyebrow as he undulated toward us.

  “Freewill,” he bubbled, before turning several eyeballs her way. “A pleasure to make your acquaintance again, Mistress Carlsbad. May I say, you look considerably less crusty than last I saw you.”

  The side of Sally’s mouth raised in a half grin as she leaned forward. “I don’t think we were properly introduced down in that hellhole. Sally is fine.”

  “A pleasure then, Mistress Sally,” Glen said, quivering as he blinked multiple times. “And might I say, you have the most captivating eyes.”

  “Um, thanks.”

  “I guess you’d know,” I replied, closing my laptop for now. “Anyway, didn’t realize you were here.”

  Glen sloshed over. “I must have dozed off after the Icon left with his sibling.” All at once, his eyes opened wide – quite the freaky thing as he had at least twenty of them floating around in his gelatinous body. “The Icon! I almost forgot.”

  “What about him?”

  “H
e said to tell you they were going to Pennsylvania.”

  “What’s in Pennsylvania?” Sally asked.

  “Far as I know, Hershey Park, construction, and all the fireworks money will buy,” I replied before turning to Glen. “Did they say where they were going?”

  “To see the Progenitor’s father. The Icon’s sister seemed somewhat agitated about him.”

  All at once the mirth drained from my tone. “Wait, Ed’s stepdad?”

  “I believe so. I overheard them talking, and it seems the Progenitor was only one of the reasons for her visit. His father was the other.”

  “Why didn’t she say something?” Then I realized how stupid of a question that was. Kara had barely stepped through the door before getting beaten over the head with the fact that her brother was alive. I could see how that might be a bit distracting. “Is something wrong with Ed’s dad?”

  Glen raised two ... um ... flagellum in an “I don’t know” sort of gesture. “I don’t believe so, but she said something about weird things happening at his home.”

  “Weird things,” Sally echoed. “That’s kind of vague.”

  “She didn’t seem to know, only that she was worried about him.”

  “That doesn’t sound right.” I turned to Sally to explain. “Ed’s pop is a bit of a prepper. Lives in a big ass cabin in the woods. Was the guy who kept us in shotguns back in the day, no questions asked. We were a little nervous about him living where he was, back when the Feet were busy turning everyone into fucking trees, but we never heard a peep from him about it. I mean, seriously, the guy’s pretty unshakeable.”

  She nodded, taking it all in, before turning to Glen. “And yet Kara thought something was wrong?”

  “Yes, Mistress Sally.” Glen locked all his eyes on her again. “Enough so that the Icon volunteered to accompany her. Hopefully he remembers to take video. I would so love footage of his glorious battles for my scrapbook.”

  “Hold on, who said anything about glorious battles?” I asked, a sinking feeling beginning to form in the pit of my stomach.

  “The Icon. He said he was going to kick ass and take names.”

  “Of course he did.” I pulled out my cell phone and dialed him. Fucking idiot. What did he get himself into now?

  A moment later, I Threw it on the Ground by The Lonely Island began to play from the counter of our kitchen nook ... where the dumbass had left his phone.

  Sally stood up. “Let me guess. We’re taking a ride to Pennsylvania to save the meathead and his sister?”

  “It’s probably nothing,” I replied, not sounding even remotely convincing. Less than a month ago, this would’ve been easy to dismiss, but not now. Call me paranoid, but I’d seen firsthand some of the things that were beginning to crawl out of the woodwork now that magic was back.

  There was also the fact that Sheila had been formidable – possessing powers and skills that made her nigh untouchable. Tom’s mastery of both, however, was questionable at best.

  Not to mention, I liked Ed’s stepdad. Sure, I’d always gotten the vibe that he thought we were all a bunch of pussies, but there was no denying he’d been cool to us in years past. If he was in trouble and Tom was his only backup...

  That pretty much sealed the deal.

  “You should stay here.”

  “In this shithole?” Sally asked. “Not happening. You leave me alone in this place and I’m liable to do the sensible thing – burn it the fuck down. And that has nothing to do with stress.”

  “But...”

  “Besides, it’s time I accepted the fact that, like it or not, I’m back in the game.”

  “It’s been all of two days.”

  “I know that, but I can’t let my partner run off and get his stupid ass killed now, can I?”

  INTO THE WOODS

  “Bark bark bark!”

  “All right, that’s it!” Sally reached over to the control panel and began to close the back window. Glen’s head, which had been busy lolling in the wind, got caught in it for a moment, but then he gave it a yank and pulled it back in, sending fur flying.

  “Sorry, Mistress Sally. Just trying to act the part,” he bubbled from the backseat, still inside his creepy ass dog suit.

  “Yeah, well your acting is going to get us thrown in jail for animal cruelty. And stop calling me mistress.” She took her eyes off the road for a moment to glare at me.

  I pretended not to notice, continuing to stare at my laptop screen.

  Glen had insisted on coming along, and arguing only served to slow us down, so I’d relented fairly quickly. However, being that it was at least a three hour drive to Pop’s place, I’d requested Sally take the wheel so I could continue working on my project.

  “Don’t ignore me. I’m not your fucking chauffeur.”

  “I’m not ignoring you,” I lied. “I’m working.”

  “You still haven’t told me on what.”

  “I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up until I’m sure it’ll work.”

  After a moment, she let out a sigh. “I must have rocks in my head, but okay. This had better be good, though.”

  “It will be,” I said idly, hitting a few more buttons before finally pressing enter. A moment later, I watched as my screen reloaded, filling with data, and telling me I’d succeeded. Bingo! I called up my email client, added all the information that was needed, and hit send before disconnecting the cellular modem and closing the lid.

  “Giving up already?”

  “Have some faith,” Glen said, his dog face leaning forward so it was between us. “The Freewill is strong, ferocious, and smart.”

  “Damned straight,” I replied, patting his head. “Good boy.”

  “Bark!”

  Sally rolled her eyes from behind the wheel. “You two were made for each other.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Is this guy an axe murderer or what?”

  “Just keep going. He’s way back ... oof! And watch the potholes.”

  “The entire road is potholes,” Sally complained. “Assuming you can even call it a road.”

  “Pop Vesser likes his privacy.”

  “This isn’t privacy. This is the sort of place a vampire coven would own to make sure nobody could hear all the screaming.”

  I couldn’t really deny that. Even with my vamp-enhanced night vision, the dirt road felt cramped with the trees seemingly just inches away. Not helping was the fact that my car, a late model Toyota Camry, was most definitely not built for off-roading. With the gloom of the rapidly darkening skies bearing down upon us, it was easy to forget that we weren’t the soon-to-be victims in a horror movie.

  “There,” I said, pointing ahead, despite it being obvious. The lights shining at the end of the dark wooded path were pretty hard to miss.

  Equally hard to miss, as the trail widened onto a large front lawn encircled by a gravel driveway, was the massive log cabin which stood out like a lit beacon against the dark forest around it. In truth, it was far less Little House on the Prairie and more Lex Luthor, looking more like one of those luxury manors they showed to rich yuppies looking to spend a million dollars roughing it. I didn’t doubt Pop could have gotten that amount or more had he ever decided to sell, but he’d built all of this himself – his personal pet project over the years, something to do in his spare time after Ed’s mother had passed away.

  The effort and craftsmanship showed, as well as contrasting to what useless bags of skin Ed, Tom, and me were comparatively. So much so that Tom and I were actually forbidden from helping out whenever he was looking to add a new room or renovate something. Ed, being his stepson, wasn’t so easy to banish, but he usually got relegated to bullshit tasks like running to the local hardware store for more nails.

  On the flip side, I doubted Pop Vesser could’ve pulled off the voodoo I’d just done with my laptop.

  Sure, he could build a livable shelter with his own two hands but, once the machine apocalypse finally hit, we’d see who was more useful when it
came to keeping the Terminators away from Sarah Connor.

  Motion-activated floodlights lit up the immediate space as Sally pulled in behind a rental car, Kara’s probably, and cut the engine before tossing me the keys.

  “Um, Bill?”

  “Yes?” I replied, turning toward her.

  “Just for curiosity’s sake, does Ed’s dad know about him.” She hooked a thumb over her shoulder, almost poking our pseudo-canine companion in the eye ... one of them anyway.

  “Glen?”

  “Not specifically, but all of it. You know, vampires, witches, monsters?”

  I opened my mouth, then quickly shut it as I realized my potential strategic blunder in bringing Glen along for the ride. “Um, not really.”

  “So all this time, you and your idiot roommates kept coming over here, asking for guns, and he’d just give them to you, no questions asked? What kind of nut is this guy?”

  “He’s not a nut. He was just concerned about his darling stepson, and said son’s upstanding friends, living in the crime-ridden hellhole that is Brooklyn.”

  “Or, let me guess, it was a crime-ridden hellhole after you fuckheads got done explaining it.”

  I grinned sheepishly. “We may not have exactly dissuaded him of that notion.”

  She threw a glance back Glen’s way before facing me again. “This ought to be worth the price of admission.”

  “It’ll be fine. Hey, Glen, any chance you can ... I dunno, sound more like a real dog? Oh, and maybe pull your eyeballs back in a bit so they don’t look like they’re about to shoot across the room.”

  Glen tilted his head to the side, looking almost doglike in the process – a good start – then he sucked the two bugged out eyes back in a bit. The end result looked somewhat more natural, if with a bit of an uncanny valley vibe to it.

  “I can’t really see all that well like this,” he said.

  “That’s fine. There isn’t much to see, or at least I hope there isn’t. Oh, and no talking.”

  “You got it, Freewill. I mean ... bark!”

  “Close enough.” I turned to Sally. “Put your sunglasses on. And if Pop says anything about Glen, just tell him he attacked some drug dealer and ate his stash before we could stop him.”