Bill of the Dead (Book 2): Everyday Horrors

by Gualtieri, Rick

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Kara met us at the door.

  “What are you doing here?” Then she looked down, saw Glen, and lowered her voice to a whisper. “And why did you bring that thing with you?”

  “Why didn’t you tell me that Pop was in trouble.”

  “I tried to, but I got distracted by ... oh, I don’t know ... learning my brother was alive and on his period.”

  “Tom has his period?” Sally asked, a grin spreading across her face.

  “Sally?” Kara leaned in, her eyes opening wide at the sight of her former coven master. “Is that you?”

  “In the flesh. I know, I look great. Don’t ask. It’s a long story.”

  Kara turned my way. “Is there anything else you want to tell me?”

  I shrugged. “It’s kind of a running narrative. So is Pop okay?”

  She stepped aside to let us into a large foyer that opened up into an expansive living room with high ceilings, picture windows, and a heavy wooden beam that ran the length of the room at the second story level.

  “Swank,” Sally remarked.

  “I wouldn’t mind keeping a summer bucket here,” Glen said before I glared down at him. “I mean, bark!”

  Oh yeah. No way this wasn’t becoming a complete cluster fuck.

  “I don’t know,” Kara said, ignoring Glen. “He seemed all flustered over the phone, but you know Jacob. Now that we’re here, he’s acting like it’s no big deal. Says it’s probably just some stoned hippies.”

  I turned to Sally. “Pop’s not his actual...”

  “I get the picture,” she interrupted, an eyeroll visible behind her glasses.

  “Tom ... I mean, Sheila, asked him to show her around. I think he, she, wanted to do a perimeter sweep.”

  “A perimeter sweep? That’s ... actually pretty thoughtful of him to...”

  Before I could finish, though, a familiar grizzled voice cried out from further in the house. “Kara! Come and tell your fool friend here that there’s no reason to be tinkering around in my storage shed.” A moment later, Jacob “Pop” Vesser stepped into the living room, headed our way.

  He was in stark contrast to his stepson. Whereas Ed was thin and wiry, Pop had arms that bespoke of a life of hard work, with multiple tattoos peeking out from beneath his short sleeves. He was about my height, had graying mid-length hair, a full beard, and a bit of a gut, albeit one that served to make him appear more formidable than fat. Truth of the matter was he looked more like a reject from Orange County Choppers than a carpenter. Appearances notwithstanding, though, he’d always been close with Ed and his sister, treating them like they were his own.

  The older man stopped when he saw us, his eyes instantly turning my way. “Billy boy! I didn’t know you were heading up this way.”

  “Billy boy?” Sally asked.

  “Don’t start,” I hissed at her before turning my full attention Pop’s way. “Hey! Good to see you. I was ... in the area.”

  “Let me guess, you smelled the ham I got slow roasting in the oven and decided to pop on by.”

  “Um...”

  “Just messing with you, boy,” he said with a chuckle before turning serious. “You’re welcome to stay for dinner, but I’m glad you’re here, nevertheless. That girlfriend of yours is out back acting like she owns the place.”

  Girlfriend? Oh yeah. Sheila and I had still been together last time I’d spoken to him – not to mention her body hadn’t been possessed by another soul. “Um, she’s not really my girlfriend anymore.”

  “No? Then what are you doing all the way out here?” Before I could answer, he looked past me to where a certain four-legged friend stood. “And what in hell is wrong with your dog?”

  Shit! I glanced down, prepared to give Pop a sob story about how Glen was a rescue with some incurable disease, but the words died in my throat as my gaze fell upon him.

  The eyes in Glen’s head were still retracted, looking almost normal – if one squinted hard enough. The problem was more his mouth ... and the eyeball-filled tendril of slime currently protruding from it.

  Fuck me sideways with a rusty garden hoe.

  “That is super gross,” Kara remarked, not helping matters in the slightest.

  I turned my back on Pop and lowered my voice as much as I could. “What the hell are you doing?”

  “Sorry,” Glen bubbled back. “But I couldn’t see anything.” Then, after a moment, he added, “I mean bark!”

  Jesus fucking Christ!

  TOY STORY

  All of us turned slowly back toward Pop. I wasn’t sure whether to expect shock, surprise, fear, or for him to run for one of the myriad gun cabinets scattered throughout the place.

  Instead he folded his arms across his wide chest and let out a small sigh.

  “I see the newspapers were right. The Strange Days are back, aren’t they?” He stepped over to the dry bar on the far side of the living room, grabbed himself a bottle, and began to fill a glass with it. “I take it that’s why I haven’t heard from Edward lately. Scotch anyone?”

  He was taking this far more calmly than he had any reason to.

  After a moment, Sally stepped forward, taking her sunglasses off and revealing her freaky eyes – because why not at this point. “Single malt?”

  Pop raised one eyebrow by the barest amount but simply replied, “Of course. We’re not savages here.”

  “Then count me in.”

  Finally, I found my voice again. “Am I missing something or are you taking this way too well?”

  Pop handed Sally her Scotch then turned to face me. “Do I strike you as stupid, son?”

  “Um, no, sir.”

  “Good, because I ain’t. I might not have a fancy degree, but I’ve been around a while and seen my fair share of weird. Or did you really think I bought those bullshit stories about gang violence and drug dealers gone wild?”

  “You didn’t?”

  “First off, Eddie couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag. Second, this ain’t the nineteen-seventies anymore and you don’t exactly live in Fort Apache, the Bronx. Oh, and him asking if I knew where to buy silver bullets wasn’t all too subtle either. No offense, but you boys were either elbow deep in that mess or on so many pills you thought you were.”

  “Oh.”

  “And now with him up and disappearing, yet Kara telling me everyone’s been acting like it’s no big deal, well, excuse me for putting two and two together.”

  “When you put it that way...”

  “All I want to know is whether my boy is okay.”

  I wasn’t sure how to answer that, but fortunately Sally was there to step in while I had my foot buried in my mouth.

  “We don’t know where he is, but we have every reason to believe he’s fine. The person who took him... Ed has unique abilities, which they kind of need.”

  “And you’re sure of this?”

  “As certain as we can be,” I replied, trying to sound confident.

  “Okay then. That’ll have to be good enough for the moment. Just tell me you’re doing everything you can to bring him home. I promised his Mom that I’d look after him and Maggie. Not sure how possible that is nowadays, things being all frigged up again, but least I can do is get your word on the matter.”

  “You have it, sir. We’re doing everything we can to find him and bring him home safe.”

  “Good enough, I suppose. Now, about your girlfriend...”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “You’re serious?” he asked, leading the way outside to the storage shed – shed being a bit of a misnomer as the structure was the size of a two car garage, built every bit as well as the house. “You’re telling me that ain’t your girlfriend, but that other friend of yours, the dead one, stuck inside her body?”

  It was just the two of us – Kara, Sally and Glen having stayed inside at Pop’s insistence.

  “As serious as I can be when it comes to Tom.”

  “Does Kara know?”

  “She does now.
”

  “That’s good. Must be a load off her conscience. What about that girl Tommy was seeing?”

  “Oh, trust me. She’s aware.”

  He stopped in the gloom and fixed his flashlight on my face. “Exactly how deep into this are you boys? And don’t lie to me. I was minding my tongue back there in front of the ladies, but I have a nose for smelling bullshit.”

  It was tempting to tell him that there was no need to mind his tongue in front of Sally, as being a mass murderer had desensitized her to potty language, but I figured that could wait for now. Instead, I decided to lay out all my marbles. He’d already figured out the bulk of things anyway. And besides, it’s not like the vampire nation was still around to bitch me out for these things.

  “This deep,” I replied, extending my fangs and causing my eyes to turn black.

  “Vampire, eh?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “You drink blood?”

  “Yep.”

  “Turn into a bat?”

  “Nope.”

  “Got a weaselly fella back home named Renfield who eats cockroaches?”

  “I guess you could say that was Tom’s job. He used to work in finance after all.”

  “How many people you killed?”

  Oh crap. “Um, directly or indirectly?”

  Pop gave a grunt then started walking again. “Maybe some questions are best left unanswered.”

  “Might be for the best.”

  “That thing back there in the house. That ain’t no dog, is it?”

  “Glen? No. Definitely not.”

  “Good,” he replied. “I’ve had to put down dogs that looked a lot healthier than he does. Didn’t fancy having to take him out behind the shed with my shotgun.”

  “I appreciate that. Speaking of the shed, you sure Tom’s still in there?”

  “Tom, Tammy, or whatever the hell he calls himself. But yeah. Couldn’t get him out of there. That’s why I came back to the house looking for Kara.”

  “And exactly what’s in there that’s got his attention, if I might be so bold to ask?”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  We stepped through the door of the shed. The lights were on, but Tom was nowhere to be seen – not exactly a major deal as the place seemed to house several rooms. However, I could definitely hear something – or someone – moving around further inside.

  Pop had explained to me that the ‘shed’ had originally been built as a guest cabin. After Ed’s mom passed away, though, he repurposed it, setting aside space in it for stuff that used to belong to Ed and his sister from when they were kids.

  It didn’t take me much longer than a nanosecond to guess what might’ve caught Tom’s attention.

  Following my ears, I turned a corner and found my roommate happily rooting through boxes that didn’t belong to him. I paused for a moment, the image before me still strange. It was Sheila’s body, but the insane gleam in her eye firmly belonged to my best friend.

  I cleared my throat, so as to get his attention.

  Surprise shone on his face at seeing me, for a moment anyway, before he got caught up in his own personal mania again. “Oh, hey, Bill. You gotta check this shit out.” He turned and held out an action figure. “Ed used to play with fucking Captain Planet. Can you believe that? How much you want to bet his favorite was that Ma-Ti fucker?”

  “What exactly are you doing?”

  “I was kinda wondering the same thing myself, Tommy boy?” Pop said, stepping up beside me.

  “Hey, Mr. V,” Tom replied, seemingly unconcerned to hear his secret was out. “I guess Bill filled you in.”

  “That he did and...”

  “Holy shit! He has the original Ninja Turtles.” He glanced our way, then quickly added, “Not that they’re worth anything. In fact, everything here is just taking up space. How about I take it all off your hands for, say, twenty bucks?”

  “This isn’t fucking eBay, dickhead.”

  “Shhh,” he replied. “Adults are negotiating here.”

  “No, we ain’t,” Pop said. “All of that stuff belongs to Eddie.”

  “I’m well aware but, being one of his dear friends, I also know deep in his heart he’d want me to give them a good home.”

  I stepped forward. “I thought you were supposed to be sweeping the perimeter.”

  “I did. There’s a lot of trees. They didn’t look threatening.”

  “But this place did?”

  Tom stopped rummaging through the boxes and turned to me, a pseudo-serious look on his face that said I was about to be fed a double-decker bullshit sandwich. “Am I the only one here who’s seen Child’s Play? I’m simply ruling out one possible cause.”

  “Cause? Of what?” I turned Pop’s way. “Sorry, didn’t mean to get caught up in his stupidity, but what’s going on? I kind of only heard half the story.”

  Pop glanced away, looking embarrassed. “It’s nothing more than me being a foolish old man, is all. I even told Kara as much.”

  “Yeah, but it worried her enough to come out here.”

  “I was ... exaggerating, that’s all. Must’ve been in a mood. Been seeing all that stuff on the news and spooked myself, that’s all. Believe it or not, even an old codger like me can get the heebie-jeebies when he’s all alone. Probably nothing more than a bunch of hippy freaks too stupid to know when they’re trespassing.”

  One didn’t need vampire hearing to realize his tone had changed. Where before he’d been gruff and direct, now I could sense discomfort and ... maybe even a little fear in his voice.

  “See, Bill? All’s well,” Tom said, continuing to violate Ed’s childhood.

  Okay, maybe one did need vampire hearing to notice those things, or at least basic human empathy.

  “Let’s back up a bit,” I replied to Pop. “You said hippy freaks. What exactly do you mean by that?”

  “Like I said, boy, it’s probably nothing.”

  “Humor me ... please. It’s just us. We don’t have to tell the others.”

  He let out a sound of disgust after a moment or two. “Fine. But only if you promise me you’ll do everything to find my Eddie.”

  “I already told you I would. I meant it, too.”

  “I know, but sometimes an old bastard needs to hear it said twice.”

  He stepped away, back toward the entrance, looking out one of the windows to the dark woods beyond. Maybe it helped him to think, or maybe it was just easier for him to open up when there was no eye-contact. Either way, I waited for him.

  “It started maybe a week and a half back.” He paused, then added, “No, I guess it goes back a bit further. Maybe three weeks in total, right around the time the news folk were yammering about weirdness over in the city. Bunch of cock suckers, if you ask me. Stuff happens in the sticks, they could give a shit less. But anything happens over in Philly, and they can’t jam their noses up its ass fast enough. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. What matters is what I heard.”

  “What you heard?”

  “Yep. Might be unrelated to the stuff that came after, but I’ll mention it all the same. I was sitting out back enjoying a smoke when it was like all hell broke loose. We’re talking animals hollering like crazy, snarls, growls, all of it. Went on til way past midnight. Never saw anything, mind you, but it was like every beast out there in the woods went crazy.”

  Three weeks. That coincided with what happened down below in the Source chamber. Was it possible that the animals sensed things changing? “Huh. And after that?”

  “Nothing,” he replied. “Was quiet for a while after that. Figured maybe it was a fluke, or something had gotten into the water.”

  “But you heard it again?”

  “Nope. Like I said, I’m just mentioning that first bit, but what happened after was nothing like it.”

  I turned toward where Tom was fiddling with an old Bop It! toy. “Are you listening to this?”

  “Not really.”

  Goddamn, as far as Icons went, he was useless.
I turned my attention back toward Pop. “Go on.”

  “I was out grabbing some oregano from my garden.” He glanced back at me, a wry grin on his face. “I know, a fella like me with a spice garden, but there ain’t no seasoning as good as that which you grow yourself. But that’s beside the fact. I was out there when the forest suddenly got real quiet, you know like when a predator is near. Thought it might be a bobcat. We get them from time to time. Then I heard a few branches break, like something was walking around. I shined my lamp out into the trees. Didn’t see nothing, but I swear I could feel myself being watched. Not ashamed to say I slept with a loaded rifle in arm’s reach that night.”

  A chill began to creep up from the base of my spine. I knew all too well the feeling of being watched in the woods. What came afterward, though, was usually much worse, especially since it often came attached to fists the size of bowling balls.

  Turd is dead and the Feet are gone, I told myself, suddenly wishing I’d stayed in Brooklyn.

  “Whatever was out there, it came back the next night ... and it brought friends. I could hear them out there circling the place, a bit closer, but not close enough for me to catch a glimpse of. I ain’t no scaredy cat, but after that I started making it a habit to finish my chores before the sun went down. And if I did feel the need to sit out on my porch, believe me when I say I had a box of .30-06 cartridges next to me the entire time.”

  Smart, although I personally would’ve opted for bazooka shells myself. Rather than say that, though, I replied, “Is that all?”

  Pop actually laughed at that. “If that were all, boy, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Not the first time I been spooked out here. Catch even the bravest man in the right mood and he’ll jump at his own shadow. No. That’s not all. Could’ve been my ears playing tricks on me, but every night it seemed they got a little bit closer, yet I never saw a thing. Would’ve chalked it all up to my imagination, as a matter of fact, had they not started speaking to me.”

  Oh fuck. I could feel my knees beginning to involuntarily shake. “Speaking to you?”