Bill of the Dead (Book 2): Everyday Horrors

by Gualtieri, Rick

  “Oh yeah. Plain as day, even if I never could see the mouths making the words.”

  “And ... um ... one of those words didn’t happen to be T’lunta by chance?”

  He turned back toward me, a look of confusion on his face. “Say what?”

  “Never mind. What did they say to you?”

  “They said they knew who I was. But that wasn’t the thing that turned my nuts to jelly, pardon my saying such. No. It was what they kept saying after that. Whispers from the woods, coming from a dozen places all at once, all saying the same thing.”

  “And that was?”

  “Bring us the progenitor.”

  The Progenitor ... oh shit!

  “Whatever the hell that means.”

  I stepped up behind him, mindful of the darkness beyond the window and the things that could be lurking in the trees beyond.

  “The good news is you’re not crazy.”

  “Oh?” he replied.

  “Yep. But the bad news is I think we really need to get our asses back to the house and figure out just how many guns you own.”

  THE NAKED FOREST

  Thankfully, Tom’s control over his aura was shitty enough that I was able to grab him and drag him out without even singeing my fingers. Sadly, the downside was that didn’t bode well for us in case whatever was out there decided to get nasty.

  “Please tell me you brought your sword,” I said as we headed back to the main house. My eyes easily cut through the darkness, but that didn’t mean much considering we were surrounded by trees and vegetation on all sides. There could’ve been a whole army of Feet or god knows what else standing out there, and I wouldn’t have seen shit.

  “No. Why would I have?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. It’s not like you came out here at the bequest of someone who was freaked out about things in the woods ... oh, wait. You did!”

  “You don’t have to be a dick about it.”

  Pop glanced back as he led the way. “Mind telling me what’s scary enough to spook a vampire? And don’t go pretending you’re not worried. You’re about as good an actor as my Eddie.”

  So much for that semester I spent with the NJIT drama society. “Believe me, there are lots of things that can scare a vampire ... really bad things.”

  “I was afraid of that. Care to be more specific?”

  “Wish I could be. All I know is that something out there asking for the Progenitor is not a good thing.”

  “Why’s that?”

  I stopped as we reached the expansive back porch of his home. “Because they’re talking about Ed.”

  “Wait. You’re telling me Eddie is this progenitor person they’re...”

  “Yes. It’s a long story, way too long to get into now, but there’s some people out there who refer to him that way. And if whatever is out there is asking you about him, that means they know who you are and what your relation to him is. And, no, I have no idea what that means other than there is absolutely no way it can be a good thing.”

  That was probably an understatement. As of the last time I’d seen them, Ed and Gan were the only two neo-vamps left, with Ed being the only one who could procreate, or at least pass it on to others. That said, I had every reason to believe Gan was gleefully forcing him to make more for her. After all, that seemed the sort of batshit thing she’d do. But then who was out here looking for him? Had some of her newbie neos escaped and then fled to the backwoods of Pennsylvania for no other reason than to pester Ed’s stepdad?

  That seemed a stretch even for the weird shit I normally dealt with. So that likely meant something else was out here. That’s what made it terrifying, dealing with an unknown – mostly because it seemed every unknown I came across was worse than the last. Not helping was that the woods were traditionally a bad place for vamps to be. Though there was no indication the Feet had returned, they’d had allies aplenty back in the day, some of whom might have a vested interest in making sure that Ed didn’t live long enough to sire a new race of enemies for them.

  True, Ed wasn’t with us now. But it seemed a fool’s errand to hope they’d simply take no for an answer, not when their schedules were free enough to allow for nightly harassment of an old man minding his own business.

  Yeah. No way was this good news.

  We stepped into the house, thankfully finding the three companions we’d left behind doing little more than milling about.

  “Remember that time I threw Bill out my office window and he almost hit you on the way down?” Sally asked with a laugh as we entered the room.

  “I would have liked to have seen that,” Glen replied from his dog suit.

  “Not the Freewill’s finest hour, right Bill?” She turned toward us, no doubt noticing we weren’t in a laughing mood. “What happened?”

  “Nothing yet,” I replied. “But that doesn’t mean it’s not going to.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I’d like to say I brought all three stragglers up to speed, but Sally was the only one among them who really counted, at least in a situation like this. Kara was too far removed from the situation these days and Glen – well, it was hard to take him seriously looking like a zombie Irish Setter. Sally, on the other hand, had experience dealing with crises, far more than me as a matter of fact.

  That done, I put it up for a vote. “So what do you guys think? We hop in the cars and get the hell out of here or what?”

  “You want me to abandon my home?” Pop asked, sounding like this was a battle he was more than willing to take up.

  “Think of it more like an extended vacation.”

  “Think of it more like you being a pussy,” Tom replied.

  I shot him a glare, but then Sally said, “Much as I’m loathe to agree with you on anything, no matter what body you’re wearing, you’re right.”

  Tom grinned at me. “Told you you’re a pussy.”

  “Not that, idiot. But the truth is we don’t know what’s out there. For all we know, it might be nothing more than a couple of drugged up jackasses like Jacob said.” I opened my mouth, but she quickly talked over me. “I don’t think it is, not with what they’re saying, but we won’t be any better off if we leave here without knowing. If we don’t put a face to these voices, they could find him again and he’d never know it.”

  “So, you want us to take a stand ... out here in the woods?”

  “I know what you’re thinking, Bill, and if it turns out you’re right, believe me I’ll be the first behind the wheel pulling out of here, whether or not any of you are with me. But I think we need to, at the very least, consider this a fact-finding mission first.”

  “If he’s right about what?” Pop asked.

  Tom, subtle as always, was happy to spill those beans. “I don’t suppose you’ve had any Bigfoot sightings lately?”

  “Better than the Jahabich,” Kara commented.

  “Don’t even joke about them,” I told her.

  “Bigfoot?”

  “Enough!” Sally snapped. “Let’s stow the speculation for now.” She inclined her head toward Pop. “How long do we have? I mean, before the voices usually start in with their shit.”

  Pop glanced over at the large grandfather clock on the side of the room. “Hard to say. Can’t exactly set my watch by them, but if I had to guess, maybe an hour or less.”

  “We can work with that. The plan is simple enough.” She gestured toward him and Kara. “You two stay inside. The rest of us will fan out, try to get a bead on whatever’s out there. If it’s nothing, we’ll scare them off ... maybe break a few bones to teach them a lesson.” I opened my eyes wide at that. “Just being realistic. If it’s more than nothing, then we can regroup and consider our options.”

  “I’m not sitting in here, missy, while you go out there and risk your neck,” Pop protested. “This is my home.”

  “Chivalry is not dead,” Sally replied with a grin.

  Much as I wanted her out there on the front lines, I realized Pop had a point, although perha
ps not for the same reasons. “He’s right. We don’t know the extent of ... well, anything you can do.”

  “Do?” Pop asked.

  “Yeah, those eyes and green hair aren’t merely a fashion statement.”

  “Oh. Figured that was just the look these days. Didn’t take you for ... anything else.”

  Sally smiled. “You have no idea.”

  “Yeah, but I do,” I replied, cutting in. “I’m serious. We don’t know anything about your durability or healing or much else for that matter, other than you occasionally explode.”

  “Is that code for something or do you mean...”

  I turned to Pop. “Believe me when I say that once you get indoctrinated to the strange, it only gets weirder.”

  “So it would seem. Regardless, I’m not hiding in here like some scared rabbit. This is my land, my home. And before any of you ask, yes I’m willing to die defending it. But I’m hoping it doesn’t come to that. So far, these voices in the woods, they’ve been frightening yes, but they haven’t actually done anything threatening. I’m hoping maybe between us all we can scare them off without any bloodshed.”

  Ah, the ignorance of those who were new to the program. Sadly, for all involved, the orientation could be a real killer.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Pop might not have known much about the supernatural, but he sure as shit knew guns. More importantly, he was an avid believer in home protection. Going through his wares was like taking a shopping spree right before invading a third world nation. Though I myself wasn’t really a gun fan, or much of a shot for that matter, I wasn’t about to argue right then and there.

  It was semi-automatic shotguns for both me and Kara. High capacity and easy enough to use. They pretty much destroyed anything in front of them, which I could dig, especially if whatever was in front of me was eight feet tall and covered in shit-stained fur.

  Pop himself took a high-powered hunting rifle. As for Sally, her eyes lit up when she saw Pop’s collection of handguns, deciding on an oversized revolver that looked like it was designed for random elephant encounters.

  “That’s a Taurus Raging Bull,” Pop said, upon seeing her heft it. “That there will take down a water buffalo but, I’m warning you, it kicks like a mule. No offense, little lady, but are you sure you don’t want something a bit more ... manageable?”

  “Offense taken,” Sally replied, opening up a box of cartridges that looked big enough to sink a battleship. “Don’t worry about me. Believe me when I say bad things can come in small packages.”

  And if that didn’t sum her up, I didn’t know what did.

  Tom was the only one we didn’t arm, at least the only humanoid, being that none of us trusted him to not shoot himself or one of us by mistake. But that was fine. He wasn’t stationed on the so-called front lines anyway.

  The plan we eventually agreed upon called for him and Kara to hang back inside. In theory, he was to protect her if anything went wrong but, being that his powers worked like shit and she had the gun, the unspoken thought was that it was kind of the other way around.

  I wanted Glen to stay behind, too, but he insisted on helping out. I wasn’t sure what he could do, but it’s not like his dog body could get messed up much worse. Besides, if there was anyone who would make a good lookout, I guess it was a little blob filled with eyeballs.

  That said, I wanted to play this smart. Sally and I were ostensibly the heavy hitters of the group, so I insisted we take the back of the house facing the woods – where the majority of the sightings seemed to occur. Though he wasn’t happy about it, Pop agreed to take watch out front with Glen.

  A pair of high-powered walkie talkies from his shed ensured we could keep in touch as we stepped outside and began our watch.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Anything going on back there? Over.”

  “All’s quiet on our end,” Sally replied. “Nothing out here but...”

  I interrupted her with a squeal of panic as a beetle big enough to land on an aircraft carrier parked itself on my arm.”

  “What was that?”

  “Our resident vampire losing his shit over a bug. Over.”

  “Thanks for that,” I groused, checking to make sure there were no more on me.

  “Anytime.”

  “How does anyone live out here with these freaking insects? I swear, city roaches look downright adorable next to these fucking things.”

  “You are such a wuss,” she said, clipping the walkie to her waist.

  “I don’t understand why they’re bothering me and not you. You’re the one with the freaky glowing eyes.”

  “Don’t be jealous.”

  We’d been standing out back in the darkness for maybe forty minutes. Though Pop had floodlights surrounding his property, enough to light up the immediate area like it was the middle of the day, we’d turned them off soon after coming outside.

  As it turned out, Sally’s strange eyes weren’t just for show. Though she said it was different from her vampire days, she’d apparently gained some sort of night vision in the deal. Different was one word for it. I’d nearly jumped out of my skin upon stepping out into the darkness and seeing her eyes light up like a glow in the dark kid’s toy.

  Freaky as it was, though, it allowed us to both keep watch without any flashlights or other aids that were probably of limited use out here with all the fucking trees.

  I’d love to say the ability to see in the dark meant I was calm, cool, and collected as we maintained our vigil, but fuck that noise. I swear, it was like every bug, bird, and animal in the vicinity was walking around, eating, screwing ... or dive bombing me from above. I kept spinning toward sounds in the woods – weapon raised – certain something was coming for us, only to realize it was nothing more than a deer taking a shit or something equally benign.

  “Relax, Bill,” Sally said, apparently growing tired of my twitchiness. “You’re wound up so tight you’re liable to shoot yourself, or shoot me, which will make you wish you actually shot yourself.”

  “Hard to relax in this place.”

  “I understand. Believe me, I do. Listen, I know this might be counterintuitive to a pussy like you, but all of those sounds are a good thing. So long as everything out there is going about its business, it means nothing strange is going on.”

  “Did you hear that on Animal Planet?”

  “No. I heard about it by not being a fucking dumbass.”

  “Touché.” I glanced at the dark woods, seeing a whole lot of nothing. Rather than complain about the bugs some more, though, I decided to circle back to the whole reason Sally was here to begin with and not relaxing at home. “So, how are you holding up?”

  “Better than you, obviously.”

  I pointed a finger at her forehead. “I meant, how are you feeling up here?”

  “A lot better than your nuts are going to be feeling if you don’t get that finger out of my face.” Needless to say, I did. “Thank you. No offense, but I don’t know where you’ve been.”

  “Actually...”

  “And I don’t want to know. Although, speaking of which, have you heard anything from Christy lately?”

  “Way to change the subject.”

  “I’m good that way. Not to mention, I think you’ve psychoanalyzed me enough for one day. I appreciate it, don’t get me wrong. But enough.”

  I held up my free hand in supplication. “Okay, fine. You win.”

  “As it should be. So, you hear anything from her, or is she back to giving you the cold shoulder?”

  “Hold on.” I pulled my phone out and checked it, momentarily blinding myself with the glow from the screen. “Nope. All’s quiet.”

  “You did tell her we were coming out here, right?”

  “Um ... well, I did email her earlier.”

  “Nothing says romance like an email.”

  “It’s not that,” I replied. “It’s just, I’m trying not to smother her. A lot has changed in the last few weeks. She’s got her powers a
gain. Same with Tina, except tenfold.”

  “Tom’s back,” she added.

  “Yes, he is. And just in time for me to once again be lacking in the pulse department.”

  “Do you really think that matters to her?”

  I let the question hang between us for a moment. “I’m not sure it doesn’t matter to me.”

  “Oh, so you’re only into immortal chicks now?”

  “It’s not that. It’s more... I’m not sure I’m...”

  “Good enough for her?” Sally opined, finishing the sentence for me. “Especially now that she has a choice between you two chucklefucks and hot Harry Potter?”

  “You really do suck at pep talks, you know.”

  “So I hear,” she replied with a grin, somehow made a wee bit sinister by her glowing eyes. “But the truth of the matter is, you’re right. You’re not good enough for her.”

  “You know, you really missed your calling as a therapist.”

  “Just being realistic here. Christy’s a hell of a catch. She’s smart and sexy...”

  “Let me guess. She reminds you of yourself?”

  “I didn’t say she was that smart and sexy. But she’s also a magical prodigy, one who’s survived things that would break a normal person. You don’t find someone like that standing on every street corner.”

  “You would know all about street corners.”

  Rather than point her hand cannon at me, Sally actually laughed. “There’s the Bill I remember. Seems so long ago, doesn’t it?”

  “Yeah, but at the same time it’s like it was yesterday.”

  “True. But back to what I was saying. Christy is too good for you. But, she was also too good for Tom – way too good if we’re being honest here. Almost infinitely too good, actually. I swear, that moron must have a whole platoon of guardian angels watching his back, or maybe guardian pimps.”

  “Is there a point to all of this?”

  “What? Oh yeah. The reality is Christy’s a hell of a catch for anyone. She’s almost a force of nature. That said, she’s also an adult, one who can make her own decisions. And apparently those decisions include dating far below her weight class.”