Let Me Love You: A Novel

by Praks, Wanitta

  “But I don’t want it to be like that. I want us to—”

  She turns to me, a pained expression in her eyes. “What do you want?”

  “I want…” I want to tell her I want to be her boyfriend. But my lips won’t move. Even when I see her going into the elevator, I still don’t move. It’s only when the door starts to close that I act. I hold the door to keep it open and say, “Ivy, I want—”

  “Let go of the door, Zac.”

  I shake my head. I don’t let go of the door.

  Ivy glares at me with her tear-filled eyes. Slowly, she says, “Ask yourself this, Zac. Do you think you could live and be friends with someone who inflicted so much pain on you? If you can’t answer that, then let me go. Good-bye.”

  It was only that one word from Ivy’s mouth, but it somehow feels like my heart has been ripped open and I’m bleeding slowly from inside. My grip finally loosens and the door closes.

  “Ivy,” I say sadly as I watch her exit my life.

  Chapter 9

  IVY

  Reflection

  It’s so exhausting. Why is it so exhausting? I slide down the elevator door and huddle myself into a ball. I don’t press the ground button but choose to stay suspended on the eighth floor.

  I realize now this is all too taxing for me. But I also realize one other thing. I like Zac. I like him a lot. And it takes a lot of my energy to do this to him.

  I know he’s right. I should differentiate who is who. He’s not his brother. He’s himself. Zac, the goofy, sometimes serious, and demanding Zac. But I can’t let this feeling dominate me. I’m only seventeen. Feelings will change. This is just a small crush. I have a big future ahead of me. To let him into my heart, it will only cause me pain, not to mention Gigi and Clare. What would they think if they knew who Zac is?

  I shake my head. I’m not going down that road again. The relationship between Zac and me is over. We are no longer student and teacher; we are merely strangers.

  When I get home that night, I go straight to bed, feigning a headache. Moon comes into my room and tucks herself beside me.

  “Can I sleep here for a bit, Vivi?” she asks.

  “Clare working tonight?” I ask, wondering where Clare is.

  “Mm-hmm.” She nods. “Mommy’s at work.”

  I turn to her and hug her.

  “How’s school today?” I ask, deciding to change the subject instead. Drowning in my past will not get me anywhere. I have to look toward the future.

  “School is fun, Vivi,” she says, snuggling closer to me.

  The weather down south gets really cold at night. Unfortunately, we don’t have the luxury to buy electric blankets. The only electric blanket we have is reserved for Gigi.

  She has rheumatoid arthritis, so when the weather gets too cold, her joints get inflamed and cause her pain. Unlucky for us, tonight, the blast of cold air blows in our direction. Even with the curtains and windows shut, there is an icy atmosphere inside the room. I snuggle closer to Moon for warmth. Moon does the same to me.

  We’re both silent, both too busy thinking about the current events in our lives. After another quiet spell, Moon speaks. “Vivi, I’m going to a sports day in May.”

  May? Right now it’s April, still the autumn season. In May, the season approaches winter, and in Dunedin, because the city is situated near the coastline, the temperature can get below ten degrees. I’m not looking forward to winter. Moon will have to wear comfortable and warm clothing if she does want to participate.

  “What are you participating in?” I ask.

  “We go running and relay.”

  “Will you be all right?”

  “Mm-hmm.” Moon nods again. “It’ll be fun. I’m looking forward to it.”

  “Can I come watch?” I ask, twirling her silvery locks around my fingers. I love Moon’s hair. It is both silver and gold, like the color of the moon on a clear night.

  “It starts at nine o’clock,” she answers.

  “Nine o’clock.” I have classes then. “I don’t think I can make it. But what time does it finish?”

  “3:30.”

  “I still can’t. I have to work afterwards. But maybe I can ask them to reschedule,” I murmur to myself.

  “No. Don’t worry about it. Gigi will be coming to watch. I told Gigi already. She’s coming to watch me.”

  “Okay,” I say absentmindedly. The sound of the wind howling outside sends another fresh chill down my spine, and I shake a little in bed. “Are you cold?” I ask.

  “Yes.” She snuggles closer to me.

  “Here, sleep here for tonight, okay.” I hold her tight. “It’s too cold alone in your own bed.”

  Moon only nods at my suggestion and falls asleep right away in my arms. I huddle her close to me and try to sleep too, listening to the wind howling outside like little lone wolves calling out to their mother.

  I don’t sleep all that well that night. I keep on dreaming about Zac, his sad face haunting me.

  The next morning, Zac’s sad face is still embedded inside my head. By the time the school bell rings, I’m half yawning until Mandy jolts me awake with a hug.

  “Why the glum face? What happened?”

  “I’m not teaching Zac anymore,” I tell her.

  Mandy looks perplexed and then bewildered.

  “You do know the last time you asked me to replace you, he went mental on me. He even threatened me and refused to sign his autograph. I had to tell him you were in the library.”

  “Mmmm,” is all I can reply.

  * * *

  For the next few days and even weeks, I’m always cautious with my cell, home phone, and walkabouts. I look at my caller ID first before answering. If it’s an unknown number, I refuse to answer it and let it go to voicemail. For our home phone, I always let Gigi answer it. Mandy hardly calls me on my home phone. But if she does, she would text me first to tell me she’ll be calling.

  Walking around corners at school, I always keep a keen eye, just in case Zac appears out of nowhere and surprises me. I don’t want to see him after making that dramatic scene at his apartment. Thinking about it now, it’s really embarrassing.

  Mandy ended up tutoring him after I resigned. I know any information I want regarding Zac, I can easily get from her. But in the end, I don’t have the courage. Showing concern regarding Zac will only cause more problems and rumors around school. There are already rumors about how Zac got into that accident that required him to recuperate at home. Something about a kiss, I hear. I wonder what that was all about.

  On one particular day, a few weeks after I resigned, Mandy’s behavior turns peculiar. She comes and sits next to me, cradling her iPhone like it’s the most precious thing in the world. A few times, she smiles at me, wedging her glasses so they stay on the bridge of her nose, then stares at her phone. I become curious too but don’t ask. Mandy can’t contain her excitement anymore, and she ends up popping her own bubble.

  “Ivy!” She sighs. “Why won’t you ask me why I’m constantly looking at my phone?”

  “I’m waiting for your bubble to burst by itself.” I muster a smile.

  I try to smile more often these days, but I still can’t forget Zac’s sad face as the elevator doors closed on him. Thinking about him, my face turns gloomy by itself.

  “Okay. Here goes.”

  Flicking her phone to the gallery, she stops at one picture. It’s a beautiful picture of Mandy and that boy with black hair and emerald-green eyes.

  He looks happy. It looks like my embarrassing revelation was just another silly thing that escaped his mind. Looking at that picture now, I can’t help but feel a tug of pain in my heart. He’s smiling so radiantly. Is he happy?

  “Do you like Zac?” I ask. My heart is constricted. I have a strong hunch what she’ll say.

  “How can I not?” Mandy smiles at me, her ponytail bouncing as she moves. “Look at those green, bewitching eyes of his and his black hair. Ahh, such boyfriend material. He even let me take
a picture of him. See this one?”

  My smile falters then. My heart aches a little more. A little tear fights to escape from my eye, but I will it not to drop when I see the next picture of Zac looking slightly annoyed but still so very cute.

  “I’m happy for you, then,” I say as the bell rings, signaling lunch break is over.

  After that discussion with Mandy, I become cautious again. My mind is going crazy. I don’t know when Zac will appear, so I’m always on guard. It becomes clear that Zac must still be recovering from his leg injury.

  Zac never appears at school. My days of playing hide-and-seek are finally over. Although, with that knowledge, my heart aches a little more, as if it’s crying over the prospect that I might not be able to see him again.

  Zac has already moved on. I tell myself this countless times, but it’s actually me who’s in this deep depression. I’m still clinging to some hope for us to see each other again, even though it was me who wished us to be strangers.

  Chapter 10

  ZAC

  Gloomy Face

  “Zac, mate, can you hear us?”

  Why didn’t I see it coming? She tried everything to run away from me.

  “He’s not even listening to us.”

  But she makes me feel like I can do anything. I want to see her again.

  “Bro, Zac, are you even on Earth?”

  “He looks like he’s off in another planet.”

  “Zac! Zac, bro!”

  I feel someone’s hand shaking me. I blink, look up, and see my band mates, Loki and Trey, and my buddy Kai staring at me.

  “Huh?” I ask, blinking again, now that I’m back on Earth.

  What are they doing in my apartment? And when did they get here?

  “Zac, mate. Are you okay? You look like you’re off with the fairies. You thinking about something?” Loki asks me.

  “No, nothing,” I lie. Releasing a deep sigh, I turn back to the guys and ask them what they’re doing at my place.

  “Zac, bro,” Kai comes and places his hand on my forehead. “Are you sick? Want me to call your dad? Or the doctor?”

  “Why are you calling Dad? He’s still in Japan for his conference.”

  “No, Zac,” Kai says. “He’s home since last week.”

  Right. Last week. Yes, last week when Ivy said her final good-bye to me. Last week when she revealed to me that she was the last remaining survivor in that crash, the crash my brother caused.

  Ivy, why am I feeling like this? I really want to be your boyfriend, or if not that, just your friend would do. Ivy…

  “Zac?” Kai’s voice penetrates my thoughts again.

  “He’s a lost cause,” Trey says from behind his drums. “Let him be. Must be dreaming about something again.”

  Kai doesn’t leave me alone as he keeps on shaking me.

  Goddamn! Why can’t I sulk in peace?

  “Why are you guys here anyway?” I scold them when I wake again.

  “Zac. We’re here for the band practice, remember?” Trey yells from the other side of the room.

  Oh, right. Band practice.

  I pick up the microphone and stare at it like it’s an alien from another planet.

  “Maybe we should just call it a day,” Trey says. “Looks like our prince won’t be up to singing anytime soon.”

  “But prom is in three months. We’ve got to start practicing,” Loki argues.

  “Zac doesn’t look too well. He’s under a lot of stress lately, what with finding a girlfriend and petitioning for his student’s right.” Kai decides to spill out my secret.

  While all this is happening in the background, I’m still staring dumbly at the microphone in my hand.

  “Fine, let’s just call it a day.” Loki relents.

  The guys start packing away their instruments. Catalina pops in her head at that moment.

  “Cookies and juice, boys?”

  “Yes. Thanks, Catalina,” they all chorus.

  Damn my friends. They won’t console me, won’t let me sulk in peace, yet have the guts to eat my food.

  Catalina smiles and disappears to collect the food.

  “How’s your leg?” Trey asks.

  Finally, someone cares.

  “Better. I can walk now with just one crutch.”

  “That’s good. When are you going back to school?”

  “Probably in a few weeks. I should be fine by then. Still need my walking stick, though.”

  “And how’s the tutoring sessions going?” Kai sneakily asks me.

  Does he want me to bash his face? He knows Ivy quit tutoring me already. Unless he’s referring to the new tutor I’ll be seeing later on today.

  I put on a glum expression. I’m not looking forward to my tutoring lesson. Mrs. Dale is sending a new tutor for me.

  * * *

  It’s approaching four o’clock. The guys have already left. I’m still slumming on the couch, staring at the clock, waiting for that inevitable hour.

  In the last week or so, I loved that hour. Four o’clock is usually the time I boil tea and wait eagerly for the doorbell to ring. Now, four o’clock is like my death sentence.

  Finally, the hour arrives. I slowly trudge myself off the couch and, with my crutch, hobble as slowly as possible to the front door.

  I wonder who Mrs. Dale sent.

  Really, I’m not asking for a miracle. I know it’s a one-in-a-million chance that when I open this front door, Ivy will be standing there with her purple cardigan and her hair parted to the side to cover her forehead, her scar. But I hope maybe she will reconsider and the episode from last week was all just a bad joke. I guess I’m still that delusional.

  I open the door. And there stands Mandy, Ivy’s best friend.

  I heave a sigh, as if my chest had been weighted with a ton of bricks.

  “Hel-hel-hello,” Mandy stutters. She sucks two puffs of her inhaler into her mouth and now she’s back to speaking a hundred miles an hour again. “Zac. I’m your new tutor. Mrs. Dale said you need help in algebra, and I’m the one who’s going to make sure you ace this subject. So are you with me?”

  “Hello,” I say slowly. This girl has so much energy. Just watching her talk makes me so tired.

  I open the door and let her in. We start on our lesson.

  I don’t learn much. It’s not that I’m not a good student. It’s just that Mandy keeps on gawking at me. I thought it was just her being a fan of Apollo’s, but when our third and fourth lesson comes around, there’s no improvement. Just like lesson number one, I sit answering the algebra worksheet, and she sits with stars in her eyes, staring at my face.

  I can’t take it anymore. I slam my pen down.

  “For the last time, if you want to admire me that much, just take a picture.”

  “Really? I can take a picture?”

  You have got to be kidding me. That was supposed to be a sarcastic remark.

  She snaps my picture with her iPhone anyway.

  “Delete it,” I demand.

  “But you said I could take it.”

  Oh, don’t give me those big fishy eyes. I’m not falling for it.

  “It was sarcastically implied. Now delete it.”

  “Only if you let me take a photo of us together?”

  She’s blackmailing me? Is she really blackmailing me? Deleting one picture only to have another taken. No way.

  “No!”

  “Please, Zac. I’m a huge fan of yours. I really want to take a picture with you,” she begs. “It’s a souvenir to say I’m the one that helped the lead singer of Apollo graduate with an excellent grade in algebra. So please.”

  I’m stuck. I don’t want to be in a photo with Mandy. Not that she’s ugly or anything. As I’ve mentioned before, it’s not about the face; it’s their personality. Like Ivy. I’m attracted to Ivy, not because of looks, but because of the way she spoke to me that day… and that kiss. Even when she didn’t know who I was, she still trusted me to lead her out of that throng of people. But I
vy and Mandy are best friends. Surely I can bargain her with something I want.

  “If I let you take a photo of me, would you tell me where Ivy lives?”

  “You like Ivy?” Mandy slams her question at me, which surprises the hell out of me.

  Jesus, this girl is smart.

  “I… I…”

  What can I tell Mandy? I like her best friend, but I can’t tell her that. Well, not when I haven’t confessed to Ivy yet.

  “I…” I try again. “Look, Ivy used to be my tutor, so of course I want to visit her. She’s been good to me. I just want to thank her by visiting her. That’s all.”

  “Mmmm. I see.” Mandy sits rubbing her chin and pushing her glasses back to sit on the bridge of her nose. After some contemplation, she looks at me. “Well, if you promise you’re not the type to stalk her and just want to visit her for the sake of a thank you, then I don’t see any problem.”

  “Really?”

  Jesus, I almost squeal with happiness. I can’t believe Mandy would give me Ivy’s address that easily.

  “Yep,” Mandy says. She’s holding out her iPhone in front of us. I know my side of the bargain. I lean closer to her. “Good angle, Zac. Now, let’s get that picture.”

  True to her word, Mandy scribbles down Ivy’s address. My pulse shoots up.

  I can’t wait for my leg to heal so I can go to school. But more than anything, I can’t wait to go to Ivy’s house.

  Chapter 11

  IVY

  The Unexpected Guest

  Dangling from my hand as I hop off the bus is a bag of tofu and some medicine. I’m thinking of making Asian tofu stir-fry tonight. Since meat is quite expensive here, tofu is the best alternative. And I like it.

  The medicine is for Gigi. Her joints are playing up again. Rheumatoid arthritis is never a good thing when the weather gets too cold, so having this anti-inflammatory medication on hand helps a lot.