Pursuing Happiness

by Jessie Pinkham

  He’d do whatever it took to ensure Levi didn’t suffer that way.

  “Even when I’m making your life complicated?” asked Levi.

  “It means you have a place to live and someone who cares about you, and I know how awful it is to have neither. I’ll happily take a bit of complication to make sure you’re okay.”

  Levi bit his lip and looked down at his feet. “If I’m doing something that’s bad, will you tell me so I can stop? I don’t…” He trailed off, and Matt suspected this was important.

  “You don’t what?”

  When he spoke, the words were barely audible. “I don’t want to be so much of a pain that you ask me to leave here, too.”

  Oh, Levi.

  “Not going to happen.” The Aldridges weren’t much of a hugging family, but Matt thought the situation called for one. Levi seemed to like it, anyway. “Barring a sudden interest in a life of crime, we’ll work everything out, okay?”

  At that Levi’s mood lightened. “No life of crime for me.”

  “Then we’ll be fine.” Somehow. Matt hadn’t worked out all the details yet.

  “Thank you,” said Levi. “Thank you so much. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  “You don’t have to worry about that.” He had plenty of other situations needing his attention, after all. “Are you still ready to go to Ted’s Place?”

  “Yes.”

  “Excited?” asked Matt, who came to this obvious conclusion by the eagerness with which Levi went to grab his shoes.

  “I am. A little nervous, but mostly excited.”

  Matt had enough experience of his own to guess Levi was more nervous than he wanted to let on. Pizza and games with other LGBT teens was a big deal for Levi, even if he didn’t want to admit it. When you were raised to consider even something that innocuous a celebration of sin, it wasn’t easy to flip a switch to make it okay.

  They started the walk over in contemplative silence. Matt still hoped to come up with ways to make Levi feel as secure as possible in his new home. He understood that he couldn’t automatically ensure Levi stopped worrying. All the same, he wanted to do everything in his power so Levi could relax sooner rather than later.

  “I’m still afraid this means I’m going to hell,” said Levi.

  Matt wondered at his timing. He had to reply regardless, so he asked, “Did you look at some of the articles I suggested?”

  “The ones about how Jesus never mentioned homosexuality and we don’t know what Paul’s word even means? I did. It’s just… what if they’re wrong?”

  His first instinct was to counter with the suggestion that people like their parents used the fear of hell as a weapon to keep people acting in a certain way. It was his own belief these days. Levi might not be quite ready for that, so instead he said, “What if they’re right? If God is love, why would he create us gay and then demand we be miserable about it our whole lives? There’s a verse from Romans. I’m not sure the chapter and verse, you know I’ve never been any good at remembering the numbers. Paul says he’s convinced that nothing will separate us from God’s love.”

  Grabbing his phone, he typed Romans I am convinced that nothing into Google and found what he was looking for. “Here we go. Romans 8:38-39. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

  Matt believed in God, though not in a form of which his parents would approve. It had been a journey for him, and Levi would need his own journey. He might end up a more traditional Christian than Matt, or an atheist, or anywhere in between, and that was alright because it would be his choice. It wouldn’t happen overnight, not least because the fear of hell was a powerful thing.

  “Well,” said Levi, “since I couldn’t pray myself straight, and then of all the people in Philadelphia I met your boyfriend, you might be on to something.”

  It was as good a start as any for Levi’s self-acceptance.

  Sarah wanted to meet up for lunch at a new Greek restaurant, and since she knew Matt’s finances were tight she kindly offered to treat. He ordered spanakopita and agreed to help her eat an appetizer of stuffed grape leaves, something he’d never tried.

  After the order was placed she sipped her water. “How’s Levi?”

  “He’s doing well.” He’d started therapy the previous day. It wasn’t something he wanted to talk about yet, so Matt didn’t mention it to Sarah. “Teen night at Ted’s Place was good for him. He’s starting to make new friends.”

  “And how are you, Matt?” That was her ‘do not try to avoid the truth’ tone.

  “I’m okay,” he said, which was the truth. “I survived our first sex talk.”

  Her eyebrows shot up. “I don’t think they’re usually fatal.”

  “Maybe not, but Levi had questions I couldn’t answer. How he dared look this stuff up online in the public library is beyond me.” Actually, how Levi learned about cock rings in the first place remained a mystery, one Matt was content to let lie.

  “So what did you do?”

  “I sent Collin an SOS text.”

  Sarah laughed. “Save Our Sex talk?”

  “I don’t care what it stands for, I care that he came over and answered Levi’s questions.” And then afterward reassured Matt that no, he didn’t have any desire to introduce cock rings into their sex life; he’d dated a guy once who loved them but was ambivalent at best himself. That was a relief, because Matt’s interest in cock rings hovered somewhere below zero. He had no desire to be restrained in any manner. It wasn’t the same, he knew, but he’d spent the first twenty-one years of his life being restrained by his parents’ harsh standards, and that left a distaste for anything which would hold him back.

  “Is Levi as prudish as you were?”

  “Not by half.” It was still difficult, sometimes, for Matt to talk about sex because that simply wasn’t done in his parents’ household. In their view sex was best kept a mystery until one’s wedding night, when suddenly everything was supposed to become clear. He was learning to be more open, and while he never expected he’d talk about sex as casually as Collin, he worked toward his own comfort level.

  “That must have been an interesting sex talk.”

  “Interesting is one way to put it. He wasn’t entirely comfortable, but his curiosity won out. Now let’s talk about something else,” he said when a group of women sat at the table next to theirs.

  In deference to Matt’s sensibilities, Sarah didn’t press for further details even though she clearly wanted to. “Are you still worrying about the responsibility?”

  “Of course.” The Aldridges were a bunch of all-star worriers, and while Matt had lightened up a bit it was only relative. “I’m supposed to help him adjust to being a healthy, happy gay man when I’m not even 100% there myself. It’s the partially blind leading the blind.”

  “I don’t agree that you’re as blind as you think you are. Maybe just colorblind. Partially colorblind.”

  “Which means what, exactly?” he asked, now that she had him confused about his own metaphor.

  “Look at you. You’re so much more confident in your place in the world than you were when we first met. You have a job, a boyfriend, and friends. Sure, you’re still catching up on some social cues, and you worry a lot. All things considered, though, you’re very well adjusted and most of all you’re happy with yourself.”

  He considered for a moment. “You’re right. I am happy with myself, mostly, and I’m working on not being so hard on myself for my social inadequacies.”

  “So then why aren’t you perfectly qualified to help Levi?”

  “I feel like I should know more, be more confident. Something like that.”

  “Matt. You don’t need to be some mythical perfect person. You need to be real, and be there for him, show him what he can aspire to in ter
ms of his own life. Who knows, maybe seeing that you’re still a work in progress – aren’t we all? – will actually help Levi. It might remind him that it’s okay to take his time figuring out his life.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Besides, the people who act like they’re so together and so confident are usually the most screwed up.”

  “I know that from personal experience.” His family was the living embodiment of the concept.

  “See? You’re a great cousin, and both of you are going to be just fine.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Any time. Now, if you see any nice, cute bi guys at the LGBT center, let me know. I have no problems dating a bi man and it’s been too long since I had a fun date. But he has to like cats, because I think I’m going to get one soon.”

  “Do you have one in mind?”

  She shook her head. “No. But I’m ready, so I’ll find one before too long.” Sarah’s beloved cat had died in January and as much as she loved cats, she couldn’t bring herself to adopt another immediately. Matt was glad to see she was ready to let herself love another cat.

  “I’ll keep an eye out,” he said, “but I’m not making any promises.”

  Besides the improbability of her matchmaking idea, Matt felt that taking in Levi was filling his promise quota for the near future.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Collin was having a splendid time working on Matt’s sexual to-do list. First there had been the whipped cream, which he hoped they’d revisit soon. Then they tried frottage, which Matt decided was better as foreplay than for getting off, an opinion Collin already held.

  Now he wanted to know what was next. Surely the list had to have more than two items. “Hey Matt? What else is on that sexual to-do list of yours?”

  Matt’s eyes flitting toward the window. It was another round of struggling to talk about sex, then. He fidgeted for a minute, opened his mouth, closed it again.

  Damned repressive upbringing.

  “It’s hard to talk about.” The words were spoken more towards the ceiling than Collin.

  “You know I’m not gonna judge,” said Collin. “And that I’m open-minded about it all.” He wasn’t into hardcore stuff like BDSM, but Matt had already said that held no interest for him. Thus Collin wondered what fantasy had Matt all bashful again.

  “Part of me knows that. Part of me still worries. It’s all so easy for you, but I internalized everything growing up.” He sighed and leaned against Collin’s shoulder. “I guess I still expect scornful reactions.”

  “No scorn here. Promise. Hell, in Atlanta I hooked up with a guy who loved nothing more than giving random blowjobs through glory holes. Not my thing, but it was his, and that was fine. It’s the beauty of being a consenting adult.”

  “I don’t see the appeal of the random blowjobs. Tell me something you’d like to do with me.”

  That was an easy request. “I’d enjoy watching you do a striptease and giving you a lap dance. Together or separately, I’m not picky.”

  Matt considered for a second. “I don’t know how to do a striptease. Maybe if you offered a demonstration, it might help.” Coming from him, that was a bold statement.

  “A demonstration can be arranged.”

  Matt tensed, and at last said quietly, “What if I wanted to come on your face?”

  All that angst over giving a facial? Was there nothing sexual the Aldridges didn’t view as shameful? Damned miserable way to live, in Collin’s opinion. If you could even call it living, as it seemed more like just existing in a perpetual state of self-denial and fear.

  Anyway, Matt had escaped that nightmarish way of being for a much more enjoyable life, and he could have sex however he pleased now. Collin knew Matt had very little sexual experience before they started dating, aside from masturbation at which he was a self-proclaimed expert (who wasn’t?). He was therefore happy that Matt was growing comfortable enough, with sex generally and with their relationship, to open up about his desires so they could have fun exploring them together.

  It was important to react well to the disclosure, which happily was no hardship. “We can do that. Just give me a couple more minutes to recover from that last round.”

  Matt chuckled. “I didn’t mean right now. You did a number on me.”

  “I aim to please. Seriously, though, I’m completely on board if you want to give me a facial.”

  “I really do.” This time, he almost managed to look Collin in the eye.

  “Great.”

  “You’re sure you don’t mind? I don’t want you to agree just because you feel like you have to.”

  And here Collin thought the worrying was over. “I’m not. Promise. Is it something I personally need for a fulfilling sex life? No, but that doesn’t mean I have any objections, and quite frankly the idea of bringing one of your fantasies to life is pretty damn exciting, so I’m more than happy to. Besides, it means I get to watch you jerk yourself off, which I happen to enjoy.”

  “Oh? I didn’t know that.”

  “Now you do.”

  Finally, Matt relaxed. “I’m hoping that talking about sex gets easier with practice.”

  So was Collin, and not for entirely unselfish reasons. “Any time you feel like practicing, my door is open. Well, not open so the neighbors can hear, but you know what I mean.”

  “I was raised to consider it dangerous, all this sex business. Things that might sound fun could be a trap from Satan, trying to get us to focus on sin to the exclusion of all else.”

  “You know, for people who aren’t fans of sex, your parents sure did spend a lot of time obsessing about it.”

  “Probably,” agreed Matt. “But my point here is that I spent a lot of time thinking I was some kind of degenerate. That makes telling anyone what I’d like, in terms of sex, something of a risk.”

  “Oh.” It was an angle which hadn’t occurred to Collin. “Well, I assure you, I don’t share those repressive views. Even if I’m not into something personally, what gets people off is their own business. I don’t judge, as long as we’re talking about consenting adults. Or at least consenting teenagers of similar ages.”

  “It helps,” said Matt. “When I tell you something, and you don’t have any problem with it, then I have more evidence that my parents are the outliers.”

  There were plenty of people who would agree, to one extent or another, with the Aldridges. Then again, such people were often getting caught up in sex scandals of their own, so it probably all circled back to self-loathing in the end.

  Collin was once again grateful for his parents. That happened a lot around Matt.

  Collin felt pretty lucky that he got to be the man with whom Matt explored sex, not to mention he’d just given the guy his first lap dance. He now had Matt straddling his face and was happily slurping on his boyfriend’s dick. When it came to hair, the rug matched the carpet, as the saying went, with a nice patch of deep red pubic curls. Collin liked this.

  He also liked the way Matt shivered when he reached around to caress his ass. Not long now before they got to the facial part of the evening, he suspected.

  Matt’s phone rang, and he automatically looked towards it. Collin pulled back long enough to say, “Ignore it.”

  “What if Levi needs – oh, oh.”

  Levi was sixteen and would be just fine. Matt worried too much, but Collin had just discovered an excellent way to distract him from fretting. That tongue trick was one of his better oral moves. He repeated a couple times for good measure.

  “I’m close,” said Matt.

  He knew that, so with some reluctance he let the cock out of his mouth. “Give it to me, hot stuff.”

  Matt didn’t ask if he was sure, so Collin must’ve done a good job reassuring in their earlier conversation. He just started stroking himself at a fast pace, tightening his grip a little around the shiny head of his dick. It was a hot sight, and Collin wished he could reach his own cock to stroke it along with the show

  In no time Matt
shot all over Collin’s face. Facials weren’t a major turn-on of his, but he certainly didn’t mind them, and he really liked knowing he got to bring a fantasy to life. Besides, there was something fun about letting his boyfriend mark him with semen.

  When nothing else was hitting his face, he opened his eyes to see Matt staring at him in wonder, panting.

  “Fun?” he asked.

  Matt nodded. “So much fun. Wow. Just give me a second and it’ll be your turn.”

  “No hurry,” said Collin, partly to be polite and partly because he was very much enjoying the look on Matt’s face. “Hand me a few tissues?”

  Facials were all well and good, but he didn’t want the spunk drying there. That, he knew from experience, was not at all comfortable.

  He cleaned himself up while Matt recovered some energy, and then came the wonderful sensation of Matt kissing all around his cock and, better still, mouthing his balls. The latter was a particular favorite of Collin’s.

  “Aw, yeah,” he sighed. Matt gave him a smile and went back to his ministrations.

  A few minutes later Collin shot down his boyfriend’s throat with a deep groan. Matt had grown proficient at oral, learning what Collin liked, and he went all out this time, head bobbing furiously to prolong the orgasm. God, he was hot.

  Collin lay back to do nothing, which was all he had energy for. Matt crawled up and flopped down next to him.

  “Thank you for making my fantasy come true.”

  “Any time. Hope it lived up to expectations.” Such wasn’t always the case, of course. Actually, Collin had found anal was often better in fantasy than reality. No spontaneity at all, for one thing.

  Matt nodded. “Absolutely.”

  Now he was both sated from a good orgasm and pleased with himself for delivering on a long-desired sex act. It made for an excellent combination. “This doesn’t have to be a one-off thing. We can do it again.”

  “I’d like that.” Matt was shy about the admission, but at least he made it. “It was really hot.”

  “You’re really hot.” Collin turned his head for a quick kiss. “I liked watching you jack yourself off.”