Beyond Reason

by Roger Fisher

  Look for Each Person’s Areas of Particular Status

  The better you understand how others see their own status, the more equipped you will be to enlist their positive emotions. You will know how they view themselves and what they deem to be important parts of their identity.

  A brief list of areas in which they may have a high particular status could include:

  • education

  • computer skills

  • business experience

  • technical skills

  • “big picture thinking”

  • cooking ability

  • connections

  • moral standing

  • social skills

  • life experience

  • emotional insight

  • professional skills of different kinds

  • strength

  • athletic ability

  Visible areas of high social status—fame, fortune, and fashion—often overshadow the less glamorous, but often more important, fields where status is critical in a negotiation. There are an unlimited number of fields in which others may hold high status. Two questions can help reveal fields of particular status.

  Is either of you an expert on substantive issues? Substantive issues are the content of your negotiation. Your negotiation may be about a new car, a plot of land, or a raise in salary. Even before meeting the other party, familiarize yourself with the subject matter of your negotiation. Find out information on the Internet. Ask friends. Call up stores that sell similar items and get their advice on what to watch out for in your upcoming negotiation.

  The other party’s substantive expertise can benefit each of you. For example, imagine that you are negotiating the purchase of your neighbor’s used computer. By asking him questions about the computer, you can learn a lot. He informs you that he worked as a computer programmer for ten years. This makes it clear that he has particular status as a computer specialist. You inquire about the computer’s memory capacity, speed, and how the computer compares with newer models. Your curiosity rewards his concern for status, enlisting positive emotions in him. He is in the satisfying role of being the one with superior knowledge helping the two of you develop a common understanding of the substance of the negotiation.

  Trusting the seller to educate you completely could leave you open to being exploited. It is always wise for you to conduct a substantial amount of preparation. You will certainly want to learn some things before making a binding commitment. You may decide to consult an impartial expert such as a computer technician at your workplace. Nevertheless, after learning from the seller, you now know more about the subject and about him than you did before you met. And you have built some personal rapport as you talked together about a subject he knows well.

  Is either of you an expert on the process of negotiation? An important issue in any negotiation is how to structure the discussion. An effective process, for example, often involves exploring each other’s interests and brainstorming options before making binding commitments. The more knowledge you have about how to structure the negotiation, the higher your particular status as a negotiation expert. If either of you has particular expertise in terms of how to structure the negotiation effectively, discuss those ideas. Ask the other party for advice. (See chapter 9 for suggestions on establishing a good negotiation process.)

  We are not giving general advice to trust others. Trusting others is a matter of case-by-case risk. As you decide how much you want to trust others, however, remember that there are costs in being overly suspicious, just as there are costs in being overly trusting.

  Recognize Their High Status, Then Yours

  The fact that there are multiple fields of particular status makes your job easier. Rather than having to compete with the other negotiator over who is the alpha negotiator, each of you can have superior status in some particular field of expertise or experience. With a little creativity, you will find areas in which your status trumps theirs and areas where their status trumps yours.

  Consider an example. The economics department at an Ivy League university was interested in promoting their department’s research through op-ed articles, presentations, and interviews. The department hired “George,” an editor, to assist their most distinguished economics professor in writing op-ed pieces for newspapers. This professor had a reputation as being both brilliant and arrogant. George immediately faced the challenge: How do I acknowledge the professor’s status without putting myself down? George did not want to work daily with someone who would belittle him.

  After some creative thinking, he had an idea. At his first meeting with the professor, he said:

  It’s a pleasure to be working with you. I feel that we each have something of value to enhance our collaboration. You have expertise in economics. As I see it, you are basically the leader in the field. My expertise is in having a good sense of what the “average reader” of an op-ed will understand.

  In this way, George established the professor’s expertise in economics, as well as his own expertise in assessing the extent to which an average reader could comprehend the op-ed. He turned his inexperience with economics into an advantage and did so in a way that did not demean the status of the professor. The two were able to work effectively together without the fear of competing for status as to who was smarter, more knowledgeable about economics, or a better writer.

  Asking advice is a powerful way to acknowledge the high status of another person while not diminishing your own status. As Dan recalls, this can work in even the most unexpected situation:

  After a corporate negotiation training in Pittsburgh, I walked to a neighborhood restaurant to eat a late dinner and review the day’s events. A waitress informed me that there were no more tables available, but that I could order dinner at the bar. I spotted an empty barstool, sat down, and jotted down some notes.

  I heard a voice to the left of me yell, “Who does this guy think he is?!”

  I ignored the comment and continued writing. No one could be talking about me. I’m minding my own business. I don’t know anyone here. Then curiosity, or perhaps anxiety, got the best of me. I looked to my left. Two stocky men stared back at me. The one sitting to my left watched the situation with avid interest. He was egging on the other, a bearded man with an angry red face. I felt the eyes of a few of their bar friends staring at me.

  The situation did not improve on its own. The moment my eyes met the eyes of the bearded man, he stepped closer to me and said: “Do you realize you’re dealing with danger?”

  I paused for a moment and said, “Yes.” Clearly he was right about that point. And I wanted to let him know. If I said no, it was apparent that I would have threatened his status as “tough guy.” With all of his friends watching, it was in my interest for him not to worry about losing social status.

  The bearded man continued to stare at me, as though he were preparing to punch me. My mind was churning with thoughts about how to deal with this situation. I wanted to defuse the situation. But how?

  Thoughts raced through my head about what to do: Can I just walk out? No. He’ll follow me. Can I ask the bartender for help? But he’s not nearby right now. Can I call the police? I don’t know where the phone is. Should I just tell him to back off? But he won’t.

  I felt stuck. I wanted to let him prove to his friends that he was a tough guy, and without punching me. If I appeared “small” to him, he might see me as an easy victim. How could I respect his status while not demeaning mine?

  Suddenly it occurred to me. I could ask his advice on a subject on which he holds high status. I asked, “What advice do you have for someone on how to deal well with danger?”

  The expression on the bearded man’s face shifted from anger to pride. He was now in the high-status role of advising me on how to deal with him. He stood there for a moment without ta
lking. I didn’t move. Without another word, he raised his head in pride, looked at me as though he had privileged information, and sat back down at his bar stool. Two seats away from me, he was no longer concerned with me. He turned his attention back to his friends.

  In this example, Dan was cautious not to demean the social status of the bearded man. He realized that countering with threats of his own would increase the personal stakes for the bearded man, whose friends eagerly watched the interaction. Dan’s goal was to reduce tensions, not escalate them. He paused to ask himself, “How can I respect his status while not demeaning mine?” He recognized that the issue between them was “dealing with danger.” By asking advice about danger, Dan shifted the bearded man’s role from aggressor to the comparably high-status role of advisor. Suddenly, the bearded man was being recognized for an area in which his particular status was high: on dealing with danger.

  Take Pleasure in Your Areas of Status

  No matter how old or experienced we get, there are times when we all have to turn to others to shore up a flagging sense of self-esteem. Some years ago, Roger’s assistant came into his office with a handful of letters, every one of them criticizing something that he had written or done. He turned to his assistant and asked, “Doesn’t anyone like what I do?”

  “Oh yes,” she replied. “Most of the letters are just fan mail, which I acknowledge and file. But these letters are problems that you have to deal with.”

  Roger told her to reverse the practice. “Bring me the fan mail. And you suggest what I should do about these problems.”

  It is much more emotionally rewarding to read praise than criticism. Roger, in fact, can spend hours responding to critics, but his revised practice reduced the risk of being overwhelmed by the negative.

  Appreciate your areas of high status. Be confident about what you have to contribute to the negotiation—from your professional expertise to your personal qualities. Give yourself a boost when you need it by recalling close friends or family who appreciate you. Keep a picture of someone supportive on your wall or in your wallet. When your status is demeaned, imagine how someone who cares about you might praise you for your analytical ability, your patience, or your sense of humor. Remember, you can gain status in every interaction if you learn from the experience.

  After a tough negotiation, take pleasure in your achievement as you review what you have learned from the experience. Take pride in what status you have accumulated in the substantive fields in which you have gained knowledge and in such social status as you may have acquired. Savor what you have done and recharge by indulging in activities where your status is affirmed, whether playing a sport with a colleague or cooking with friends.

  KNOW THE LIMITS OF STATUS

  If a person has a higher status than you, it is important to give weight to their opinion where deserved. At the same time, you want to guard against being unduly influenced if they overstep the bounds of their high status.

  Give Weight to Opinions Where Deserved

  Appreciate a person’s particular status where relevant to the negotiation and worthy of special weight. Consider what happens if you have a toothache. You tell a good friend, who tells you it’s probably nothing. But your neighbor, a reputable and competent dentist, examines your tooth and warns you that it needs extracting immediately. You would be wise to treat the dentist’s opinion with special weight, because it is based on an area in which he holds particular status.

  Those high and low in the formal hierarchy of an organization each have areas of particular status deserving of weight. This was certainly true in the case of a teachers’ union and school administration negotiating a policy for evaluating teachers. Should evaluations happen every year? Every other year? Should it be based upon the results of standardized testing of students, or upon observations by the principal?

  Dan worked with the two parties before their formal negotiation began. At first, leaders on each side saw the other as an impediment to getting their own interests met. But they came to realize that each side held important areas of status. The teachers had specialized knowledge about the pros and cons of gathering evaluation information from parents, students, fellow teachers, or standardized tests. And administrators had specialized knowledge of state policies and district requirements. Rather than compete over who was better positioned to develop an evaluation policy, each expressed appreciation of the other’s special knowledge. Together, they drafted a proposal that drew upon each side’s particular status. Appreciation of the other’s status enlisted positive emotions and reinforced their motivation to work together.

  Sometimes, however, the other may say or do something that inappropriately lowers your status. In such a situation, it may be important that your areas of high status be understood by others so that you do not feel put down or disempowered. To do this, you can clarify your role.

  Consider the situation of a young female lawyer as she met with one of the senior partners of another firm. She arrived a few minutes early at the meeting room and found a senior partner for one of the other parties sitting at a head table and looking over his notes. Without looking up he said, “Miss, would you get me a cup of coffee from over there? I like it black with no cream or sugar.”

  The young lawyer flushed. Her head flooded with questions. “Should I simply inform him that I’m not a secretary? Should I educate him that nowadays many lawyers are women? Should I just get him a cup of coffee and have him learn later of his mistake?” She did not want to embarrass him if he was indeed mistaken; nor did she want to appear to be weak or a pushover. She responded:

  I’m sorry I failed to introduce myself. [She demonstrates graciousness by assuming the senior partner unintentionally mistook her for the secretary.] I’m Sarah Jones, the lawyer for Smyth, Wilcox, and Adams. [She clarifies her role.] Since we’re both here early, maybe we could talk about the issue we’ll be working on this morning. [She establishes her professional behavior within that role.] In any event, I’ll first get coffee for us. Help yourself to the doughnuts over there. And if you get one for yourself, please get one for me. [She indicates that they share a status as colleagues working together on issues.]

  The young lawyer took responsibility for the apparently mistaken identity, introduced herself, and graciously assured him that she would get coffee for both of them. Rather than try to score points, she demonstrated her professionalism and colleagueship by suggesting that they use the fact that both were there early to share ideas about the upcoming discussion. And she indicated their shared status by requesting that he might get them doughnuts while she gets them coffee.

  The big point is that whether an emotional issue relates to social status or particular status, it is rarely if ever a good idea to try to raise oneself up by putting another down. Clarify for others your role and play it professionally. Rather than competing over status, respect the status of others and communicate yours.

  Beware of Status Spillover

  There is a constant risk that the opinions of a person who has high status, either socially or in some substantive area, will be given undeserved weight on a subject to which their status is irrelevant. We call this status spillover, and it is something to watch out for. Deference is due only where it is deserved. Those with high social status, based on their fame as movie stars, for example, have sometimes used that status to market their opinions on everything from gun control to salad dressing.

  Of course, it is possible for actors and socialites to become an expert in some unrelated substantive area—but be careful. Don’t let their status in one area persuade you of the validity of their opinions in an area unrelated to the basis of their fame. An actor on television promoting a particular medicine and wearing a white coat and stethoscope around his neck may look like a doctor, but don’t be fooled. He’s no doctor. No matter how skilled the actor, the views he expresses should not be taken as those of a doctor who has had years of subst
antive medical training and experience that earned him a high level of particular status.

  Although negotiators with high social status may expect special courtesy, their social status does not mean that their opinions on matters under negotiation automatically deserve special weight. A woman of high social status might greatly admire a diamond necklace at Cartier’s or a hundred acres of prime ocean-front real estate. She may suggest that with her high social status she should be able to buy the necklace or the real estate at what she considers to be a fair price. No. A wise seller would not lower the fair market price because of the opinion of one who simply holds high social status. Her lofty status may deserve special courtesy. But high social status adds no special weight to her opinion on an issue of value.

  Status spillover is a real risk in a negotiation. Consider the challenge of “Melissa,” a young woman searching for a house to buy. She sees one she likes, and her real estate agent pressures her to buy it today. “It’ll be gone by tomorrow if you don’t act quickly,” he says. She worries that she might not find a good mortgage rate by the end of the day and fears committing to the house without financial clarity.

  Her agent reassures her that rates are the lowest ever. But Melissa wonders, “Is he being honest, or is he interested in the 5 percent commission he will make on the sale?” The real estate agent may know a lot about houses, but he is not a mortgage broker. The young woman would be wise to watch out for status spillover.

  To protect yourself from status spillover, start by recognizing the areas of status that others do have. They will be more likely to listen to you if you acknowledge their particular status. Keep it honest. False flattery will not go far and may backfire. Melissa may let her real estate agent know that she appreciates his competence in finding a house that matches her desires.