Beyond Reason

by Roger Fisher

Consider seeking a second opinion. It is not an insult to have a policy of seeking a second opinion on important matters, whether the original recommendation comes from your boss, your lawyer, your doctor, or your spouse. Melissa might say, “I have a standard practice of getting a second opinion. Perhaps you know the names of two or three mortgage brokers or banks that you might suggest that I consult about a mortgage?”

  Another way to protect yourself from status spillover is to ask the person about the pros and cons of your other choices. Medical doctors, for example, usually recognize that a decision is up to the patient, but many fail to outline the costs and benefits of other choices.

  Imagine that a relative of yours asks a doctor about how to deal with some possible cancer cells in his throat. The doctor responds, “I recommend surgery to remove the cancer. But it’s not my choice. It’s yours. What do you want to do?”

  Do not let your respect for the high status of the doctor prevent you from exploring your options. Rather than take the doctor’s recommendation at face value, your relative might ask the doctor about other possibilities. What are they? To postpone surgery for six months? To have a less invasive procedure? To try a new medication? Whether it is health or real estate, negotiation is about getting your interests satisfied.

  Finally, recognize that you always hold higher status than others in one respect: You are the world’s best expert on your feelings, your interests, your needs, and your particular situation. This inherent particular status can often protect you from status spillover—if you recognize its value. A car dealer may pressure you to buy a car, saying, “I’ve worked with lots of families. Most come back and tell me how much they love this particular car. I think you should buy it today before prices go up.”

  You might respond, “Thank you. I’ll certainly consider it. Now I would appreciate your helping me explore other options that are available given my interests. We want a car that is safe, that is big enough for camping equipment, and that gets good mileage. What are some other possibilities?”

  By acknowledging another negotiator’s particular status, you can shift their perception of themselves from that of an adversary pressing for a sale to that of a high-status expert working with you to help you formulate a decision that will best meet interests on which you are the expert.

  REMEMBER: STATUS CAN ALWAYS BE RAISED—OR LOWERED

  Many people assume that one’s status is fixed. This assumption is perhaps based on the concept of royal status that depended on the blood of kings and queens: One is born into an upper class. In most cases, a person’s status is not determined by birth. Reputations are made, not born. It is within your power as an individual to raise your status by effort and achievement.

  By educating yourself, you can improve your status in the substantive areas of a negotiation. Before you negotiate with your manager about realigning what you see as her unfair work expectations, you might sit down with a human resources representative to learn your organization’s work policies. You can use the Internet to study up on business transactions, legal processes, car facts, and any subject that can help enhance your particular status in the negotiation. The power to improve your status in a substantive field rests largely with you. If your social status is hampered by bad habits of yours or a lack of interpersonal skills, you can take a class or hire a coach to help you manage your emotions more effectively, be more assertive, or listen more carefully to others.

  Raising one’s status—and lowering it—is not just a question of fate. How we act makes a big difference. When Roger was a first year law student, Professor James Landis was Dean of the Harvard Law School and taught Roger and more than a hundred classmates their first year course in Contracts. Roger considered Dean Landis—and still does—as the best teacher he had at Harvard Law School. Dean Landis later carelessly failed to file federal income tax returns for several years. The law finally caught up with him. He was tried, convicted, sentenced to prison, and disbarred. For better or for worse, one’s status is not predetermined but can—and will—be changed by what we do and fail to do.

  BACK TO THE HOSPITAL

  Let us now revisit the hospital case that opened this chapter. Tension built between the nurse and doctor, and the patient experienced a massive heart attack. What went wrong, and what advice might we give to the nurse, the doctor, and the hospital administration?

  Advice for the Nurse

  The interaction began on a positive note. The nurse communicated to the doctor her observations from the prior evening. Once the doctor questioned her medical expertise (“How many patients with heart problems have you treated?”), she accommodated to his assessment of the situation. But because she felt angry and useless, she decided not to provide the doctor with additional information.

  Although the hospital culture may provide doctors with high social status, the nurse lost sight of the fact that she had several important areas of particular status in which she outranked the doctor. Rather than blindly accommodate to his perspective, she quickly might have self-reflected on her areas of high particular status. For example, she had worked at the hospital for more than twenty years, giving her particular status in terms of experience recognizing patient symptoms. And she spent significant time talking with this specific patient, watching his heart monitor, and examining his medical records, giving her particular status in terms of personalized knowledge of the patient’s physical and mental health.

  She could have recognized that these areas of status are important—and extremely relevant—to the specific needs of the patient. She acquired information that needed to be communicated, and she had an obligation within her role to communicate it. She should not have let the doctor’s social status intimidate her into withholding relevant information. She might have said, “Doctor, before you make your diagnosis, I have important information to be considered. We can’t dismiss it.”

  To reduce her anger, she might have tried to understand how things looked from the doctor’s perspective. It is likely that his high social status covered up his own insecurity as a young doctor, new to the ward, and fresh out of medical school. This awareness could have prevented his potential insecurities from stirring hers. Rather than feeling anger toward the doctor, she could have invoked compassion for his personal insecurities.

  Advice for the Doctor

  The doctor’s job is not easy. He is expected to be in ten places at once, and patients and staff look to him to make wise and informed decisions. Because the doctor is new to the hospital, it is likely that he wants to establish a reputation as competent and respected. And the fact that he is nearly half the age of many of the doctors and nurses with whom he works does not make things easier.

  The doctor met with the patient for a few minutes and reviewed his medical history. The doctor concluded that the patient’s heart condition did not merit serious attention. He became annoyed when the nurse suggested that he consider sending the patient to the intensive care unit. He probably felt demeaned by this comment, as though the nurse were trying to demonstrate her superior competence on such matters.

  Yet he erred in assuming that his high social status made him “all-knowing.” This is a classic case of status spillover. Rather than seeing the nurse as holding high particular status about the patient’s heart condition, he acted superior in all regards. He failed to listen to the nurse or to ask good questions. And he incorrectly assumed he knew all the important facts about the patient’s health. Understandably, the doctor also had a lot of work too. But the thirty seconds it would have taken to listen to the nurse could have prevented the patient’s heart attack.

  In the future, the doctor would be wise to recognize that his job requires him to work with the nurses. They are not competing for status but are collaborators in helping patients. Instead of seeing a nurse’s role as subservient, he can recognize that she holds important areas of particular status. There is no need to demean her. In fact, by appr
eciating her perspective, he can build rapport, improve communication, and enhance patient treatment.

  Advice for Hospital Administrators

  At a broader level, a hierarchy of social status may be so embedded in the hospital system that a larger intervention is needed. A small group of hospital staff—perhaps a combination of administrators, doctors, nurses, and others—might develop and promote new hospital policy that keeps work patient-focused. Such policy might help hospital staff recognize that the most important interest in the hospital is shared: improving patient welfare. By joining together and recognizing each other’s areas of particular status, the medical staff can accomplish more than they otherwise would by upstaging one another.

  SUMMARY

  You need not struggle for medals or accolades to prove that you are a good negotiator and a worthy person. While your social status may be inferior to that of a movie star or a CEO, you have many areas of particular status that trump theirs. It may take a little time to figure out your strengths, but you have them. We all do. With a little self-preparation, you can identify your areas of high social and particular status and work to improve or develop new ones so that you can approach your negotiations with a sense of confidence.

  Since every person has multiple areas of high status, there is no need to compete with others over status. Appreciate the high status of others where relevant and deserved and feel proud of your own areas of expertise and achievement. While it takes chutzpah to strive for approval, it takes just as much chutzpah to be satisfied with who you are and to value what you bring to a negotiation. If you truly appreciate your own status, you need not worry about what others think of you. In turn, you can acknowledge the status of others without cost. And treating others with appropriate respect often makes them respect you.

  CHAPTER 7

  Choose a Fulfilling Role

  and Select the Activities Within It

  We all have a concern with having a role that is personally fulfilling. We do not want to spend our days and nights playing phony roles or trying to be someone whom we are not. In a negotiation, playing an unfulfilling role can lead to resentment, anger, or frustration.

  This was the situation faced by “Ryan,” who sought advice from Dan on how to negotiate his upcoming performance review. He explained that his most recent review went poorly:

  I walked into my boss’s office for my performance review. I was nervous. My yearly bonus rides on a successful review, and my ego cannot handle too much abuse.

  “Have a seat,” said my boss. He pointed to the chair on the other side of his desk.

  I tried to assess whether my boss was in a good or bad mood. That information would tell me a lot about whether this meeting would be easy or painful. His face looked somber and serious. Not good.

  My boss said, “Obviously, this meeting is to talk about your performance evaluation. Generally speaking, your performance over the past twelve months has been acceptable. There are some aspects that need improvement, but let’s start with the good news. . . . ”

  He went over a list of things I had done well this past year; but, to be honest, I wasn’t listening. I was worrying about what areas would “need improvement.”

  Then he said that we were going to move on to the topic of improvement. That’s when I sat up in my seat. And that’s when things got tense.

  “For starters,” he said, “you need better follow through. You forgot to write up that memo last month for our biggest client. We’re lucky they stayed on board.”

  “But that memo was not my responsibility,” I said. “And there are at least ten other memos that I sent out ahead of schedule.”

  “Fine,” he said. “But that’s what I saw.”

  I sat quietly. My heart was beating rapidly. I tried to stop myself from arguing. I did not want to give my boss the satisfaction of rattling my nerves, but I also wanted him to have an accurate impression of who I am.

  “You need better availability,” he continued. “I know you have a family. But there is work to be done. We have customers to serve. If you have to pick up the kids, bring your cell phone.”

  “I try my hardest to be available,” I said, “but I can’t be available twenty-four hours a day.”

  “Fine. But that’s what I’ve observed.”

  My boss continued to point out mistakes I had made, and I tried not to take his critique personally. But I was not successful. I rebutted many of his criticisms with little effect. Thirty minutes later, I walked out of his office emotionally exhausted, angry, and with no indication that I would receive a bonus.

  As Ryan experienced during his performance evaluation, roles are not always as fulfilling as they could be. He felt like a victim to his boss’s judgment, and he played the uncomfortable role of defender of his own behavior. He barely listened to his boss’s positive feedback. Not surprisingly, the performance evaluation went poorly. Ryan received virtually no constructive feedback, he lost motivation to work hard, and his boss reinforced his own role not as mentor but as dictator.

  This does not have to happen. You can shape your roles to feel comfortable and “right” for you and others. This chapter shows you how. We begin by describing the core concern for a fulfilling role. Next, we suggest ways to make your conventional role—whether as a business executive, psychologist, or stay at home parent—more fulfilling. We close by advising you on how to make your temporary roles—such as problem solver, listener, or facilitator—more fulfilling.

  A FULFILLING ROLE HAS THREE KEY QUALITIES

  We play roles all the time. Yet rarely are those roles as fulfilling as they could be. Whether at work or at home, a role may feel pointless, meaningless, or insincere. To build a more fulfilling role, we need to understand its three key qualities.

  • It has a clear purpose. Engaging in a fulfilling role is not a futile exercise. There is a clear purpose, whether to improve society or to relax by taking a walk. A clear purpose provides an overarching framework to your behavior.

  • It is personally meaningful. Only you can know with certainty what is personally meaningful to you. Often, a role may be meaningful in relation to what you do. Engaging in the role of parent may fulfill your desire to raise a child. Or, if you enjoy problem solving, a job as an engineer might be fulfilling. A meaningful role incorporates your skills, interests, values, and beliefs into the task at hand.

  Meaning is found not only in what you do but also in how you perceive a situation. Your role can be fulfilling in relation to how you “make meaning” of a situation. A dress manufacturer may hate his work obligations but nevertheless find his role meaningful because it allows him to support his family.

  • It is not a pretense. When we talk of playing a role, it may sound as though each of us is an actor pretending to be someone. But the core concern that each of us has with role is not a matter of who you should pretend to be, but rather with the role that defines who you really are. In this life—the life you are living, not a life you are pretending to live—you want to have a fulfilling role.

  In one sense, of course, you are on stage. You are assuming a role and playing yourself in that role. But that role is not a pretense. It is for keeps. It is really you, being yourself, not pretending to be someone else.

  Roger and Dan each find themselves playing the many roles of professor, husband, writer, colleague, landowner, and negotiator. In each of those roles they are themselves, not some character in a play. They seek to shape each role so that they find themselves not as someone of whom they would be ashamed but rather somebody of whom they can be proud. They want to be pleased not with their acting ability but with the reality of what they do and have done. They want to make their roles fulfilling.

  MAKE YOUR CONVENTIONAL ROLES MORE FULFILLING

  Conventional roles are commonly accepted roles that people play within an organization or community. You might play the ro
le of “vice president” of a company or “parent” within your family. Table 8 lists common conventional roles.

  Become Aware of Your Conventional Roles

  You can avoid unnecessary conflict by becoming aware of the roles guiding your behavior. In some cases, two of your own roles may bump up against one another. For example, the demands of a parent with a newborn child may compete with the demands of remaining the “star employee” at work.

  TABLE 8

  CONVENTIONAL ROLES

  Academic

  Actor

  Analyst

  Artist

  Chef

  Child

  Client

  Customer

  Doctor

  Executive

  Fashion designer

  Finance officer

  Grandparent

  Lawyer

  Manager

  Travel agent

  Truck driver

  Writer

  Nurse

  Parent

  Politician

  Real estate agent

  Recruiter

  Scientist

  Secretary

  Seller

  Sibling

  Student

  Teacher

  Technician

  In other cases, you may disagree with someone else about who should play what role. You may be negotiating on behalf of a client, a trade union, or some other entity with particular interests. Yet you also have your own interests. Becoming aware of your roles is the first step in managing a role conflict.

  Consider the situation of “Eileen,” an executive at a business in which the operations pollute a water supply. She starts to think, “What kind of person am I? Am I a bad person if I work for a polluter?” She feels guilty for working for an industry that goes against her own environmental beliefs and ashamed that she is not living up to her own moral standards.