Repression

by Nataya Douglas

*******************************************************************************

  May 24, 1999

  “Wait, are you sure? I don’t get it. She’s a healthy little girl? How can this be?” sobbed Lovette. The tears hadn’t stopped since the doctor had called them back into the office about Joyce. Her nerves had been a wreck ever since the call. She wouldn’t reveal anything over the phone, so to Lovette, this had to have been a bad sign.

  “We just haven’t seen anything like this before. At first, we thought Joyce had just gotten her menstrual cycle a little early. It’s very common but she’s been bleeding for 3 weeks now. We’ve run several tests along with researching her symptoms but we haven’t come across a solution, treatment or cure yet.”

  “I’m sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Marks. We won’t give up on her. We just have to keep her comfortable and as less stressed as possible. I have a feeling we’re close to results,” said the doctor. The look Lovette had given Dr. Johnson made her feel a bit uneasy.

  “Sorry? You’re sorry? My child is weak and hardly eats. Her skin is so pale and her body aches. She’s 20 pounds lighter than her identical sister! 20 pounds! She’s lost all of that weight in 3 weeks! Do you know that I haven’t been able to hug my baby in over a week?!”

  “The thought of touching her and putting her through pain is one of the scariest things ever. The worst part is, I can’t help ease her pain one bit! So, no. I don’t want to hear apologies. I want results! I want her to be able to get back up and play with her sister. I don’t care what it costs or what you have to do but I can’t keep watching my baby get worse each day. It’s killing me!” shouted Lovette.

  Joseph knew that his wife was in pain and one of the ways to get some frustration out was to speak on her feelings. He didn’t want to make the doctor feel uncomfortable but everyone also needed to know how his family had been feeling about all of this. Silencing her would only make her mad at him and that’s the last thing he had wanted. Reaching over to hug her, she continued to cry but calmed a little more.

  “I know this is hard to accept but I promise we are working hard to help her. Continue to give her the prescribed medicine and she needs to stay in bed as much as possible,” replied Dr. Johnson. She had felt for them. She had just started her career and this was the first case she had no answers to.

  Dr. Johnson had been staying up late nights to figure out what the problem had ben. Joyce’s situation had grown on her as if she had been one of her own family members. Not knowing what else to do, Lovette grabbed Joseph’s hand and they both headed home to be with their children.

  ********************************************************************************

  “Joey, come downstairs! We all need to have a family talk,” shouted Joseph from the bottom of the stairwell. Running to meet his father, Joey felt as if he was in trouble. Thinking on the past couple weeks, he couldn’t remember doing anything in school and he had actually stopped sneaking out as much.

  Everyone had been in the living room and waited on what Joseph had to say next. He had been so upset that he hadn’t even bothered to change his wet clothes yet. The couch pillow beneath him had started soaking up the water from his clothes and left a wet spot.

  “Me and your mother take most of the responsibility in why things have been the way they are,” said Joseph. Lovette had lifted her head from looking at the floor and had given Joseph the worst death stare he had ever seen. She didn’t know exactly where he was going with this conversation but hopefully staring at him would stop him in his tracks.

  “Things have been hard for a while now. A terrible thing happened and we’ve avoided talking about it with the both of you. Joey, you’ve been handling it the best way you can and I’m proud of you, son. I haven’t always been the perfect dad towards you and for that, I’ll always apologize.”

  Joseph had thought of the first and only time he had ever hit his son. Eventually, his associate, Will, had gotten the truth out of his daughter and let Joseph know that his son wasn’t the one fooling around with Frankie. This had bothered him ever since it happened and he hadn’t forgiven himself for the treatment he had shown Joey. Joey said nothing but they had all continued to listen to Joseph.

  “We lost Joyce in one of the worst ways possible. We all miss her very much and I would do anything to bring her back but, unfortunately, that’s not possible,” he explained. The look on Lovette’s face had made him pause but the expression he gave her back let her know that she better not had interfered with what he was trying to do.

  “Papa, Joyce just went upstairs to take a nap. I mean, yea we lost her but you found her when you pulled the car around. She told me that she didn’t feel like hearing you yell at us for running out of the car like that,” said Mary. She hadn’t grasped what her father was trying to tell her and just wanted the conversation to be over with.

  Staring at his innocent child’s face, for a moment, he had thought about dropping the topic. He had remembered how tragic this had been for Mary when it happened and since she was unable to accept it, this meant that he would have to hurt her all over again.

  But, he couldn’t keep denying the truth. Lovette had suggested they go about it this way and it wasn’t helping Mary at all.

  ******************************************************************************

  June 26, 1999

  The sun had just come up and the smell of Lovette’s cooking had awaken her husband. The kids were still sleep, surprisingly. Putting his house coat on, he stopped at the guest bedroom to check on Joyce. Usually, she would be the first one up and needed help with changing her bedding and padding.

  Pushing the bedroom door open, Joseph was witnessing his daughter gagging on her own blood. It had spread all over her pillows, face and t-shirts. The amount of blood he was staring at made his veins jump. He’d never seen anything like it before. Fear took over him and he had stood still for a few seconds while she continued to suffer. Before he could react to help her, Mary had pushed him to the side and entered in the room.

  “JOYCE! MAMA, JOYCE NEEDS HELP! PAPA, DO SOMETHING!” Hearing Mary’s screams and Joyce’s constant gurgle had made him snap out of his trance. Scooping up Joyce’s limp body, he ran downstairs past Lovette and headed for the front door.

  “Get the car keys! She needs to be taken to the hospital! Hurry up, Lovette! She’s throwing up blood!” hollered Joseph. Joyce’s body had begun to convulse. Lying her down in the backseat, Mary tried to get in with her.

  “NO! Go back in the house with Joey and wait here!” Refusing to leave her sister, Mary sat in protest and didn’t move. Not having the time to fight with his daughter, he let her be. Running out of the house with the keys and Joey running behind her, Lovette jumped in the passenger seat and the whole family headed to the hospital.

  “Hold on, baby! WHAT HAPPENED TO HER, JOSEPH?! Just hold on! Just hold on a little longer. Everything is gonna be okay. Just hold on…just hold on…just hold on,” repeated Lovette.

  She hadn’t bothered putting her seatbelt on and was on her knees facing her children. Joyce had stopped jerking around and was now unconscious. Jumping into the backseat, Lovette checked to see if Joyce was still breathing. Nothing.

  “Joe! She’s not breathing! Speed this damn car up now!” screamed Lovette. “Come on, honey. Mama’s got you. Everything is going to be okay.” Mary and Joey were silent while their mother tried to help their sister. They were both in shock at what was happening. Joyce was sick for a while but no one thought it would get this bad, especially so soon.

  Pulling into the emergency room entrance, Joseph ran to go get the doctors. Lovette couldn’t believe that this was happening. All of this started from the girls getting their menstrual cycles and the next moment, they were being told that Joyce was ill and the bleeding couldn’t be stopped. She had wished that this had been happening to her instead of her youngest child.

  The doctors came out to get Joyce and the family watched the hectic scene disappear dow
n the corridor. Lovette was covered in her baby’s blood but she wouldn’t dare leave Joyce in the hospital. She’d be here waiting on her to wake up and come home. They had all been sitting in the waiting room waiting for an update. Joseph couldn’t sit and kept pacing back and forth.

  “Mama, when is someone going to tell us what is happening to Joyce? It feels like it’s been forever,” said Mary. It had only been an hour but just as Mary had asked the question, 2 doctors entered the waiting room as if they had heard her. Heading towards the family, Lovette stood up and Joseph stopped pacing to stand next to his wife.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Marks. Please, have a seat,” said the first doctor. Motioning them to have a seat, Lovette stood still. Joseph had felt the same. Looking at one another, both doctors proceeded to explain what had happened.

  “We took your daughter back to the operating room. She had lost a significant amount of blood loss due to her prior condition and vomited blood as well. We tried several times to revive her but unfortunately, we were unsuccessful. I’m very sorry for your loss and if there’s anything we can do, please let us know,” said the other doctor.

  “Wait…no,” whispered Lovette. She had just kissed her child good night with hopes of seeing her in the morning. Joyce wasn’t feeling well but she was smiling and still looked hopeful. Lovette’s head began to throb and her chest started pounding.

  “Unsuccessful?!” screamed Joseph. “I just held my child and you’re telling me she’s no longer ALIVE?!” He had felt as if his heart had been ripped from his chest. Lovette had collapsed in the chair behind her and sobbed so bad that her body began to shake terribly.

  Sitting beside her and trying his best to hold Lovette, Joseph had felt like he failed them both. Maybe he should’ve checked on her earlier. Maybe he should’ve driven faster to the hospital. So many scenarios on how he could’ve saved his daughter flooded his head. The doctors had offered their condolences for the last time and gave the family their privacy.

  Joseph and Lovette were too torn and focused on one another to even think about their other two children who sat right beside them. Joey said nothing but hung his head and cried for his sister. He hadn’t always been the best brother to Joyce and Mary but he still loved them. He would often sneak in to check on Joyce as well even though they weren’t supposed to.

  Mary had heard exactly what the doctors said but still waited on her parents to speak. Revive? She didn’t know what that had meant but hearing papa say she was no longer alive must’ve meant that Joyce was dead. Mary didn’t know much about death besides it meaning you never get to see someone again.

  Walking over to her parents, Mary placed her hand on her mother’s shoulder. It had taken a while for Lovette to even notice she was standing there. She couldn’t control the crying and didn’t care to. She had just lost one of the people she loved the most and there was nothing she could do to bring her back.

  Both of them embraced their child and cried even more. This was their child but this was Mary’s reflection. They had come into the world together and had a bond unlike none other. Lovette cried louder and stronger because of this. She knew that Mary didn’t understand now but she would be torn once she finally realized the seriousness of the situation.

  ******************************************************************************

  “Papa, Joyce isn’t dead. Why would you say something so mean like that? Do you know how that would make her feel if she heard you say that? That’s just cruel and mean! She ran away today but she doesn’t deserve for you to say things like that!” shouted Mary. The tears began to roll down her face and spilled onto her lap.

  This is what Joseph was scared of. He knew it had to be done but he didn’t want to hurt his child. Lovette cried along with her daughter while Joey stared as if he was tired of it all. He had missed Joyce too but he knew that she was gone and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

  “Mary, Joyce is dead. Do you remember when we rushed her to the hospital? Do you remember the funeral?” questioned Joseph. He had mourned his daughter’s death every single day but up until this moment, he had yet to shed a tear. Crying as if Joyce’s death just happened at that very moment, Joseph couldn’t hold it in any longer.

  He cried for Joyce. He cried for Mary. He cried for his son. He cried for his wife. He cried for everyone but himself because he had felt like he could’ve done more to save his child. He placed blame on himself even though he had known Joyce’s condition wasn’t his fault.

  “Papa! Joyce was just in the car with us! Go up to her room and see! She’s up there!” shouted Mary through the tears. She had been breathing in short breaths and could hardly get her words out.

  She didn’t understand why he was being so mean all because Joyce tried to run away. Running up to their bedroom, Mary pushed open the door to see Joyce’s bed had been empty. Running from room to room, checking under beds and searching closets, Mary still couldn’t find her sister.

  She had watched her get out of the car and walk up the stairs but Joyce was nowhere in the house. Joseph waited for Mary to come back into the living room. She needed to see things for herself and then, maybe she would realize the truth when she was unable to find her sister.

  “She must’ve snuck past us and ran away again. She was in the car. Everyone saw her. You saw her. Mama saw her. She’s not dead. She’s not dead. She’s not dead,” repeated Mary. Lovette couldn’t work up the courage to say anything. She had felt like this was partly her fault as well because she had convinced Joseph to not force Mary to accept things for what they were.

  Mary was happy the way things were and Lovette didn’t want her to feel the pain that she had felt. So, if pretending that Joyce was still alive and Mary was content, Lovette had planned to just go along with it.

  “See! Tell them you aren’t DEAD!” screamed Mary. Everyone had looked up to her talking to the empty blue chair. “Papa has gone nuts,” she snickered, sniffled and wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

  Chapter 9: The girl next door.

  June 10, 1982

  “Mike is a sweet person and I love him but, something is telling me that he’s cheating on me. He’s been acting really weird lately and everything just feels different,” said Lovette.

  She had been hanging out with Joseph at his house. They had become close friends ever since the incident at the school dance. She had apologized again the next school day and he had asked her if she wanted to hang out some time.

  Graduation had just passed and she had wanted to hang out as much as possible before college started. Mike and Lovette both had decided to go to school in North Carolina but now she had started to second guess going to school together.

  Lovette’s parents had no idea that they both had been accepted into the same school or they wouldn’t have agreed to pay for her education. They still couldn’t get over that she had chosen to be with a black boy but they also figured going off to college would eventually break them up anyway.

  Joseph had become like a best friend to her. At first, Mike didn’t like that his girlfriend was hanging out with one of the football players but he actually took the time out to get to know Joseph and they had become cordial. This made it a lot easier to accept their friendship as well as trusting Lovette and Joseph.

  Excusing himself, Joseph told her that he was going in his bedroom for a second. Lovette stayed seated in the living room and waited for him to come back.

  “You know I like Mike. We haven’t always been cool but he’s actually not like what most people think he is. I see why you love him. Did you ask him what was going on? Don’t beat yourself up assuming things. Just talk to him. Maybe you should give him a call now,” said Joseph.

  Joseph was always patient with Lovette and had been there whenever she had needed him. She had also helped him when he had issues with his girlfriend, Maddy.

  Joseph had started dating Maddy only a couple of months ago and Maddy couldn’t stand Lovette. She had been jealous that
Joseph was spending any of his time with another female. Also, she had felt like Lovette was prettier than her. Joseph tried to get Maddy to be Lovette’s friend but it just wouldn’t happen.

  Maddy couldn’t see past Lovette’s beauty and just knew that there had to be more going on. But, she had really like Joseph and didn’t want to let him go. Regardless of his friendship with Lovette, Maddy had wanted to believe she could trust him. But, she didn’t trust Lovette.

  “You’re right. Can I use the phone? I just need to get it out of the way and call him now,” said Lovette. Nodding his head, Lovette entered the kitchen and snatched the phone from the wall. Dialing his number, she had expected for his mom to answer. She had always answered the phone.

  Before she could greet his mother, Lovette had heard an unfamiliar voice giggling and then it sounded like the phone was being thrown around.

  “Would you hand it here?!” She knew that voice had belonged to Mike. The giggling continued and Lovette knew the laughing had belonged to a female…and it wasn’t Mrs. O’Conner.

  “Mikeeee! It’s in YOURRR bedroom, so why can’t IIIII answer it?!” squealed the unknown female voice. “I bet you your girlfriend doesn’t make you feel that good, huh? Does she touch you like this?”

  The giggles started again and the phone started to sound as if they were fighting over it. Lovette had become so upset that she could no longer take hearing what was going on and hung up the phone. Mike had allowed another female to touch him in ways Lovette thought she was only allowed to. Apparently, she had been wrong.

  Mike was cheating on her and she had felt it. He had probably been playing her this entire time. Lovette could feel her blood boiling and felt as if steam had been pushing out of her ears. Slamming the phone back into its cradle, Lovette stormed of back into the living room where Joseph had been sitting.

  She didn’t understand. Lovette and Mike had just had sex a couple of days ago and was supposed to hang out again later. Mike had another girl over and was cheating on Lovette as if it were nothing; this infuriated her even more. The bastard wasted no time sleeping with the next girl! So many thoughts had flooded her mind and each one had made her madder than the last.